SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP

I wanted nothing more in this life but to be the safe house my grandkids could come to…where is it? Certainly not here. My dream of decorating, dividers, dandelion treats, porch swings, kombutcha, un-floridated water, Summer slip and slides, picnics, and assorted kitchen creations is ending…what next?

Two nights ago I was forced to relive the past, got pissed about the stories I’m not able to defend, and how the ex denies that my job and insurance had anything to do with him going to a $30,000 rehab facility, “it was a favor from Pat Mellody”, like Pat was some kind of God, maybe the god of sexual addiction.

What I find odd is that when he got out of rehab and decided to become a fire fighter, everyone rallied around him and emotionally supported every move he made. He became the family superhero, even his estranged parents decided to start a relationship with him, he played it for all it was worth…probably still is. Of course my emotional support, and full time job with benefits had nothing to do with his success…

Now I’m out of my 7-year rehab. My desire is to be the responsible adult I wanted in my life as a child. I know my values, standards, and morals are different. My mind is between childhood fantasy and 59 years of knowledge that my family doesn’t appreciate, not good or bad, it just is. I still don’t know it all… I need to learn about things I think might be a result dyscalculia, and things lyme related… more things I need to learn. How I can make this life work without being stuck in a soul sucking job? Why do I care? There is no place to go if no one else shares your struggles, hopes, and dreams…What is the value if there is no one can relate to your passion or visions? Why did I think I actually found someone that resonated with me years ago?

Today I hate the judicial system, I hate that my son has chosen this environment and is talking to everyone else but me, I hate some of his friends, and I really don’t care about anything… why do I keep searching?  There is no buffer to this drama and once again I’m looking for a way out.

According to my family my role is to be the loving grandma, not to be the therapist or nutritionist…what the fuck does that mean? Do I sit down and watch what I perceive as chaos and mind control and be content? They want me to just the Mom and the Mamma…that person doesn’t exist anymore. That person had her own space and managed to do it fairly well while in a constant state of drama and “edited” by an anchor she dropped  many years ago or, so I thought…the other night it tried to strangulate me again.

I am staying for now, not just because I have no other option but because I told 3 people I thought the kids were in an abusive environment.

They can’t come here if John stays, the words he used came from someone I cut out of my life years ago. This was supposed to be similar to a business deal with a contract.  I don’t want anyone on my team that shuts me out and takes advice from the male drama queen. I was told to leave, that he didn’t need my help, and I want to go. Who’s on my side today?

There is no way I am comfortable at my other sons…no one is talking about that elephant. And the last time I was with him he blamed his anger issues on me.

And as my Son-in-law wrote, “we just want you to come and enjoy the kids”. How can I enjoy his kids when the house is a construction zone and he’s usually unavailable because he’s working one of his physically demanding jobs,  then when he’s  at home he’s either in a dark bedroom because of his pain or on a device. As I see it, if no one can find the cause of your pain, it must be the crap you put in your body…as long as long as they are happy I don’t care, I just don’t want to be in that environment.

Now I’m stuck here, my energy level has gone from 120 to 20, I need to spend the day detoxing from all the chemicals I’ve been using and try to rest…how do I get out of this emotional trap?

What is the point in being in this fabulous, healthy body, and having this incredible, creative mind if no one else sees it?…sit down and shut up…just more words to take up space and post on a blog…

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What is GROWTH?

I consider myself in a state of post traumatic growth, but still have some bad days and this is one…  I guess I feel like someone might be interested in my story, so once again I write…

The entire summer was spent on an air mattress in my sister’s study dealing with Lymes disease (which I firmly believe is an organism that was geo-engineered), and I wonder why I keep trying…

I know my basic needs are always met but never in 59 years have felt that my emotional, spiritual, or creative needs were met, valued, or noticed. At this point in my life, I don’t want to be here. For the past 5 years I’ve been given the “gift” of living in my head, trying to figure out where I belong.  It’s physically draining and sometimes physically painful, to be around people who aren’t aware. I knew I was different when I was 3 and didn’t want to wake up from a nap. I’m now at the state of not caring for anyone or anything anymore, I know people get tired of hearing me, most of the time I suppress my feelings and deal with their chaos with a smile, this is suffocating. NO one I know can relate to this… part of what I deal with is feeling like it’s my job to educate others on how they are being deceived.

 I’ve been searching for half a century and have always felt like I’m being stuck in everyone else’s box…can I change being moldable? I feel like I compromise my values and beliefs many times when it comes to many things trying to adapt and be a good guest. I want my own box for people to come into and play…I also feel cognitive dissonance, which is part of the deception.

 I’m dependent on these people for shelter and most of my food right now…it’s a struggle to even eat clean; food is my health insurance. I think being adaptable and experiencing lives vicariously through others is one of my talents and satisfies my HSS, but it can be draining, especially when I’m not feeling fueled…

The past few years I’ve learned to survive on very little and not count the cost, just be aware. I was dependent on my physical strength. In May I could lift a 4×8 sheet of siding for a house, after I got sick in June I could barely lift a gallon of water, it’s slowly coming back but I’m exhausted. Not just physically, I’m tired of being told my ideas are great, I’m finding out people admire what I’ve been doing the past few years and some are even jealous…you can be whoever you want on facebook but in the real world there is nothing sustaining for me and feel like I’m barely surviving alone, what’s the use of trying if no one see’s your vision?

I keep believing there is a reason for the isolation and introversion I keep finding myself in. I’ve been in places where I see my dreams coming true and then it all falls apart. I keep telling myself it’s only bringing me closer to what I’m supposed to be doing but it’s getting hard; I lost my house, income, retirement, and the friends I thought would be with me forever, most of my new friends are on facebook and those aren’t’ personal relationships.  

My kids (along with my grandkids) are scattered across the US and I don’t feel a connection with the communities they live in…I don’t even feel connected to them anymore. My soul desire in life was to grow up and be the grandma, the responsible adult, I always wanted in my life and now I’m feeling more in touch with inanimate objects than people… financially I’m where I should have been in when I was 20…

 I really see no value in being on this planet anymore. I felt so discarded when I left my 35 year marriage. I learned to live off of very little and decided if I’m meant to be on this, planet I will be taken care of and I’ve just been surviving. I know the value of money but have never experienced the power of it because all I see is a bunch of numbers on a piece of paper, this is not good for business in this system.

 On Tuesday I’m going back to the beach in MX (a place I didn’t want to go back to) and hopefully fully recover from a dis-ease I feel was just another onslaught from the enemy for capital gain, for some reason this world only sees value in numbers… My dream feels so far out of my reach now…I’m exhausted and want to go home. Can anyone else relate?

BLESSED ABUNDANCE

Yesterday I went to the store to get a supplement my daughter told me about. The woman who owns the store did a small kinesiology session on me, I was kind of impressed because I’d been wondering if I needed magnesium and that is the only extra supplement she told me to get. She also told me there was a sense of grief and loss…how do I change that feeling to blessed abundance?
BLESSED ABUNDANCE, this is what I SEEK. Why has it been so elusive? This morning I woke up at 4am, that was Brooklyn’s magic hour…OMG…he was even concerned about my output…he NURTUREd ME more than anyone has in my entire LIFE…I’m sorry, please FORGIVE ME, thank you, I LOVE you.
I realize how most of my LIFE my prevalent thoughts have BEen, “Leave ME alone”…I’m sure over 5 years is enough alone TIME; the last few years of my marriage, eventually everyone left and that’s okay BEcause they were draining and their LOVE was conditional, it took years of feeling abandoned, unloved, unwanted…
This dis-EASE feels like it’s on it’s last leg. My daughter in law walked BEhind me the other day and I got a dull stab like pain in my back, something different than I ever felt BEre…I wonder if my body was telling me something. Before I got Lymes I was asking that I know what is mine and what belongs to others, is this about me or is it about others? Lymes feels so far away now and I don’t have the energy to know anymore about it, I still feel like I BEcame another statistic to government MANIPULATION…the weakness, the fever, the 1800 mile drive, the two night stay at my son’s.

Last night I realized I need to let him go again. It’s hard to tell if he has some kind of  damage due to a few years of meth use in his teens. He has always BEen a mystery, even when he was little it was hard to tell if he was telling the TRUTH, saying what you want to hear, or joking with you. He is a very KIND SOUL, was always quite and sucked it up…i hate that i wasn’t stronger for my kids and I’m tired of feeling like it’s my responsibility to RELEASE THOSE KARMIC DEBTS NOW…his father always felt the drugs WEre a REFLECTion of who he was and could never see that he might have a part in IT.
I just realized part of the reason I cried for 3 months after I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd and last child was not only because I knew I wouldn’t get HELP in caring for 3 small children but also because I didn’t want to bring another child into his crazy making madness. I LOVE my CHILDREN more than anything IN THE WORLD…and part of this journey has been about letting them go, I can’t HELP them anymore, all I can do is BE the EXAMPLE but what example am I to them? After 5 years, I’m still homeless with no direction.
The last time I saw my daughter I told her I wasn’t going to have any business without a PARTNER…still no one is SHOWing UP, so I’ll PLAY while I’m in Mexico and hopefully I’ll BE taking a class with my grand daughter…or maybe my daughter in law in Ohio, maybe his whole FAMILY. If my dress design turns out, I’m sending her on an adventure, it would BE a great marketing tool I need to find a sustainable company to HELP promote BEre I leave.
I can’t SAVE the WORLD, maybe I could connect a couple cousins… I’m BEginning to feel overwhelmed by the CONNETIONs I SEE myself making… will I BE able to manage it all? How so I continue to keep myself FUELed? How do I stay GROUNDed when I don’t want to leave my head? Plus I have to take care of ME…today I AM going to infuse my water with BLESSED ABUNDANCE.

Sit back and ENJOY THE RIDE

Last weekend I was in Sedona and activated my OkCupid account to show my sister who has been happily married for almost 50 years, what kind of guys are out there…I really wasn’t planning on keeping it open but shortly after I activated it, I got a message from a guy in another state. It’s only been a week but I think I’ve found a friend. In his last letter he indicated that he is interested in someone else and thinking about relocating…he rights letters as long as mine. I hope it lasts. Not just his friendship but his new love interest. I thought I’d found a friend over a year ago, eventually he disappeared…he wasn’t really looking for a friend. I used to pray he would hook up with a nice woman, I hope he’s found a mate by now. This new guy has been a licensed therapist for many years and tired of the minutia…

 
PS Are you able to retire or will you be looking for another job? Coaching is becoming trendy, more freedom to do what you do, and I would think less invasive than dealing with licensing and other legalities…just a thought
Lila
Sit back and enjoy the ride… enjoy the ride…that’s how all my e mails end, and I have to remind myself that every day…

 
I’m in my element when I help others… I wish there was someone helping me. It used to hurt but in the past couple years I’ve realized that no one really understands what I’m dealing with, no one understands my thought process, or they are uncomfortable with depth…shallow swimmers.

 
I’ve spent a lifetime helping others and the past few years have been learning to take are of me…

 
Something always leads me back to him. He seemed to know my physical needs before me…we would sit down and rest for 5 minutes every so often when we were working, he would get me a pillow or a blanket when we watched programs we both enjoyed, he got an ottoman for me. The second time I went to his house, one of the mirrors in his bathroom was lowered so I didn’t have to stand on my toes to look into it…

 
the ex didn’t notice when I went from a size 14 to a 6. Brooklyn noticed if I lost a couple pounds…we had the same tastes in food and both liked cooking, experimenting, and learning more. I’m usually more conscious of my food than anyone around me…he taught me to eat even better. the ex would rarely eat anything outside of candy, one time he had a toothache and would only drink water. I took him to the ER and they kept him for 3 days because his kidneys were shutting down and they couldn’t figure out why…

 
To go on can be torturous at times but what else do I have to hold on to? Who else shares my dreams and visions and likes to keep track of the money and economize?

 
the ex hated New Yorkers and Jews…daily I’m working on cutting the cord to one…maybe then I’ll attract someone more suitable for me. Some days I want to end it all but if I’m meant to be here I guess at this point all I can do have faith this uphill climb will level out, all I can do is sit back and enjoy the ride

things I AM tired of:

Hearing people say they feel alone but in the next breath, “thankfully my SO is by my side”, that my dear friend, is NOT ALONE, that is physical human support…where is mine?

I realize that I used him, probably not as much as he used me but then it wasn’t about keeping score. I was dependent on his boldness, his commanding voice, and how persuasive he could be, until I realized the multiple lives he led didn’t always resonate with mine. We are both chameleons but our intentions are different, his is ego driven and mine is for community. Eventually a couple people I thought were my friends associated my humor as being like his which helped validate how insignificant I felt.
People were focused on his achievements and his needs were greater than mine; I had lost a lot of weight by learning how to cook and eat better quality food, cured my shingles with a weed growing in my back yard, had a metal art business (I still carry some wounds over this, as well as the bath care business I was starting after I converted my welding shop into a soap factory). During that time he started getting back injuries and I was also caring for my grand daughter whos mother abandoned her…and a crap  load of other family dramas…including making a conscious decision to give up on trying to help one of my sons when he was 18… all of these are subjects no one wanted to talk about all people wanted to know was how he was doing.

 
I was reliant on his physical drive and stamina; I hated that I was always tired and maybe if I knew I processed the world different than most, learned self care and self regulation I wouldn’t have felt the need to take stimulants when I was 14…hopefully I’ll get one of my granddaughters onboard to help me develop a program to help others like me.

 
I crave his sexual drive; …every once in a while I’ll try playing alone but I get more pleasure from massaging my sore muscles or eating good food…I’m actually tired of doing anything alone…

 

I AM also sick of hearing people tell me they have confidence that I’ll figure it out; …and here I am, still bed hopping and dependent on my car and his monthly checks.

 
I AM finished with people thinking I know everything; if I did, I would already be self sustainable and not dependent on “his” money.

 
I AM drained from not being able to maintain connections because I don’t see the value of going over the same crap tptb want us to value, hearing stories about people I don’t know and can’t help, one sided or limited judgements;  I hold back knowledge because people aren’t interested in becoming better humans, and most of the time I feel like a fish breathing air, it’s rare to find people who are comfortable talking about deeper things, who have similar beliefs, values, and morals, and if you do, those are short lived, they drift away, and you feel like you need to compromise your own values at times to fit in. Living in the middle isn’t comfortable and most of the time I feel like I’m 30 ft below or 30 ft above everyone else…I know I’ll never measure up to my own standards but it doesn’t stop me from trying.

 

 

Today I feel like I’ve lived and eternity in the middle of everyone else’s stories while most people avoid mine; I’m pretty sure it’s because most people don’t understand my magical thinking or my story, what I make up takes them out of their comfort zone. A little bit of me goes a long way.

 
I’m exhausted from  living life in my head and accepting that I will find a person, place or thing that resonates with me, my desires, needs, and life goals.

 

I AM spent from not being able to effectively articulate my needs and wants to survive on this planet I don’t comprehend which include: business plans, study partners, teaching skills, daily massages and couples yoga. I have yet to see end goal but I know it’s a lot bigger than me… How do you define world domination? How does person do it all? What’s the use of continuing dreams and desires if yours have never created sustainable lives of their own??? How do I reverse this story, how do I transmute these unwanted words, today?

 

WHO DO I SAY I AM?

What parts of me do I describe?

Who have I decided I have become? The chameleon, the alien, the goddess, the crone…
Maybe the alchemist who in the past few years has discovered how to change the structure of plain drinking water into emotions; who has used breath to direct unwanted energy into the earth to be transmuted into sustainable energy…or up to the sun to be burned.
Or do I discuss the introverted empath who simultaneously wants to hide while being noticed; who feels/sees/hears the incongruencies of the world yet is a paradox of her own; who periodically needs to detach from the “real” world and cry about the things she cannot change…poverty, manipulation, greed, hate, subjugation…
Or maybe the tell tale sign of who I AM is what’s in my toolbox: a cloak of invisibility; pinwheels; bubbles; tapping; an infinite stream of possibilities; believing in human potential, a better day, a trust that the universe has my back, and a hope of a better day; accepting there is a reason; surrendering to outcomes; enough knowledge to set the world on fire; a thesaurus.
Or maybe what scares me. Finding others who, like me, are very individual and communicate in cryptic form. My take on it is that there is a knowing, maybe a truth, that is waiting for a blueprint. The visions are there ready to be articulated and waiting for the right cartographers to show up; their maps will change the rotation of the world. Not like Superman…this rotation is in the energy. It will be just like playing an old country western song in reverse, everything that was lost will soon be found.
But then I could be wrong, maybe I’m just a child lost in a fantasy…some days I’m that pink balloon searching for a place to land, some days I’m an egg, some days I’m a rock, some days I’m a multidimensional masterpiece…maybe I’ll never have the power to change the entire world but I know I have the power to change my own.

BIZZARO WORLD

The craziest summer ever will be over in another month, I hope to be over this dis-ease by then, but you never know. I’ve spent endless hours focusing on taking care of me, meditating, learning to accept what is, searching for and finding gratitude and humor in everyday situations…and dreaming of what could be. Sometimes I get out of my fantasy and look at mainstream media and what’s happening in the “real” world…it’s beyond my comprehension; either the masses don’t see history repeating itself or they feel the only way to change it is to keep perpetuating the hate and fear and I wonder, who decided that war equals peace?
Spending this time in Native American country and learning more about the people has brought up memories of how many lies I was taught about them when I was in school and has reinforced long held beliefs about this system; how daily we are manipulated and controlled, how we have become dependent on a system that thrives on consumerism and greed, and how tptb in every country have taken away many peoples sense of purpose to promote their own agenda.

 

Another lie I learned on the playground, when I was a child, “sticks and stones may break my bones but word will never hurt me”. This is something I never understood, I feel words and have always seen/heard “normal” people mindlessly toss them around with no regard for the damage being done to another person’s psyche. In my opinion, this just gives bullies the excuse to continue bad behavior. We’re expected to suck it up and accept that those who control the money are the only ones allowed to make the rules…eventually we give in to the lies and in quiet desperation we learn to adapt…which sometimes means we engage in the behaviors we abhor.
In my reality, humans worldwide have become pawns to a handful of elitists who have successfully validated Joseph Goebbels theory, “tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it…”, my belief is that as long as we continue to buy whatever it is they are selling us, we will always be slaves. Some days it’s hard to accept what is…

#consumerismkills #slavestothesystem #whereismysoverignty? #dontfeedthefears