THE HUMMINGBIRD EFFECT

This is a new theory I want to test out…similar to the butterfly effect; the theory that a butterfly flapping it’s wings on one part of the Earth will cause a series of events over just a couple weeks time that leads to a hurricane thousands of miles away..I would like to feel I have a little of that power right now…

I don’t watch a lot of movies but saw The Butterfly Effect over and over again…it fascinated me that Evan Treborn (Ashton Kutcher) was able to change the outcome of situations…I kind of resonated with that…not because I’ve lived the past but because sometimes I see destructive patterns and their outcomes…it’s one of the gifts that I’ve denied…I could never comprehend why no one else perceived things like I did…

I used to tell my ex the outcome of the stories he consistently heard on the news…he still didn’t believe me when my “predictions” came true…over 5 years ago I told him that Montsanto would be a household name…I wonder what he’s thinking now? It really doesn’t matter, I just don’t associate with people that invalidate me anymore. I am more valuable than that…

Another movie character I identified with was John Coffey (Michael Clarke Duncan RIP) in The Green Mile…I resonated with his pain…I kinda know the disorder he felt all around him…maybe if I started puking out swarms of…whatever it was… people would see the pain I am able to feel for others. Maybe just finding my voice, creating the right words would do the trick… “I see what you are doing/saying to confuse your life…I really Love; Honor; Respect you and hope you learn to do the same for YOU.” As long as we are breathing, we have the POWER in ourselves to reverse the confusion.

I’m creating other ways to live…When I was in NC three of my grand kids introduced me to Dr Who, I fell in Love with another David from the UK. Before I left AZ and came to Mexico I bought a 10th Edition Sonic Screwdriver…I decided it would be the perfect tool to help me rewrite my life…of course I’ve found other uses for it; it stimulates the collagen production in my skin and erases the angry look I carried with me for years; I use it as an anti-inflammatory on sore and stressed out parts of my body; I go back in time with it and extract the damaged files I was programmed with and replace them with the programs I want in my life…I believe a Sonic Screwdriver should be in everyones toolbox.

As for my theory…The hummingbird has the ability to fly backwards…so I am going to make up that she has the ability to flap her wings and take us back to remember what false beliefs we were programmed with and at warp speed she will help accelerate the shift of the new improved programs we are installing.

Am I just living in a fantasy or is the power of intent as strong as I’ve been led to believe? My intention is to coin the term…I’ll get my own Wikipedia entry…”The Hummingbird Effect”…maybe I’ll find someone to help me make graphs and charts… I could go on forever with this dream; of course I’ll need to find case studies for my theory…I think I forgot to mention that I am working on becoming a Hummingbird, my kids are probably thinking I’m crazy but I’m sure my grand kids will think I’m Magic…the real MAGIC is that we all have the POWER to change what isn’t serving us…I’m ready to RECEIVE the feeling of happiness from others…

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IT’S LIKE MAGIC

I believe in Magic…after all it’s just an illusion. Just like the fantasy of life. I heard that the key to making Magic happen in your life is to be prepared when the opportunity comes along… 

Our reality is based on what we see in our range of vision, what others tell us to believe or the limits we put on ourselves. Believing there is something out of our range, beyond the horizon, beyond what others believe is possible is so abnormal. Then when something seemingly impossible appears in our life it is mystical, magical, a miracle…the reality is that it was just around the corner, we have to do is look for it.

Lately I’ve had a lot of MAGIC moments in my life, not the magic I was looking for… everything  just kind of disappeared…including the beliefs I had about who I was, those were the hardest to let go of. The GREAT thing about it is that I am aware that I asked God for it all.

A few years ago I  actually manifested a lot of things in my life…I had become so sick and tired of everything around me falling apart and feeling suffocated by the debts I never created I manifested poverty, for years I prayed to God to help me let go of what was blocking my soul from the feeling of true happiness. I just didn’t know it would mean everything…I became the homeless woman, no job, broke and broken…and just this week I realized that was a lie…I was just transmuting.

Today I’m going to define myself as the BHAG LADY… BIG HARRY AUDACIOUS GOALS LADY…or maybe the BHAG DIVA; GODDESS; ILLUMINATING, TANTALIZING, SHINING STAR…is that too grandiose or delusional? Who cares? What else do I have to lose? In my position there is no place else to go…I’m putting my FREAK Flag up for everyone to see, total exposure of ME…maybe I could be the FREAKY BHAG LADY…

There has been a pattern of manifestations all my life…by the time I was an adolescent I was looking for an escape from reality…I found alcohol and drugs. I hated who I became so I killed off the main character in my life…Lila…she became Lee. I wanted to have a partner…I got a lot…they usually lasted about 3 months before I realized they weren’t what I really wanted and most were abusive.

Then at 17 I remember reading one of my Mom’s shelf help books about writing goals, I had no idea what I wanted at that time but did write a short list. Today the only thing I remember from the list is WISDOM…I didn’t realize how hard that manifestation would be…this is the hardest lesson I’ve learned…am I there yet? I wasn’t prepared for any of the tests. 

I’m feeling kind of Wise today…the lectures were exhausting, most of them put me to sleep (a lot like Mr Stehrs History class) I’m not falling asleep this time, I actually woke up. May I please have my diploma sir??? Have I finally graduated from the school of WISDOM? I know there are a lot of CEU’s to continue on this path but I am ready to move up, repeating these lessons over and over again are becoming redundant.

My next goal will be to RECEIVE ELATION…I believe this course will be quicker…a lot less than the 37 years I spent on the last class. I’m pretty sure I know the signs to look for this time…and everyone around me will think it was MAGIC….

 

MY GAME MY WAY

I’ve always been a believer in human potential…problem is it wasn’t a belief I projected on myself, plus the fact that I was surrounded by people I didn’t feel believed in me…I set many intentions but they never seemed to work out.

Maybe it wasn’t my time. For over half a century I lived a life not knowing about Highly Sensitive Personalities, I always felt wrong. I’ve collected so much knowledge in the past 55 years…I believe the most important things I received from the past were the feelings…worthless; abandoned; too sensitive; too caring; invalidated. It was so much easier to hide behind someone I thought would shine…shame on me for believing in him…It only took a little over half a century but I learned a lot about denial of self. And that story is getting old…

Today I realized that in order to take myself to the next level I need to get out of that old story; sever some ties…permanently cut the cords to what I’ve learned to release…renew some relationships. I BELIEVE this will be the lift I need…it’s my game and this is the way I want to play it…GAME ON!!!

Dear ex,
PLEASE FORGIVE me, I am sorry I held you down and expected you to experience a higher standard of life than you thought you deserved for 35 years. I’m sure it felt like a prison for you at times because I was trying to project something to you that you didn’t believe about yourself, but then I didn’t believe in ME either.

I’M SORRY that I was the only woman in your life that tried to love you unconditionally…I recently heard that misogynists aren’t born, they’re made.

THANK YOU for my beautiful children, I adore them so much…I see the baggage they are carrying and passing on to my grand kids and it scares the hell out of me…How can that change?

Also I appreciate the lessons in jealousy, hate, greed, control, anger and pain…I hope one day you will find it in your heart to learn to LOVE YOU. You are imperfectly human and that will never change but believe me, you have the power to LOVE that about YOU…
Sending LOVE, Lila

Dear ptsd,
Words are not enough to express the sheer JOY; HAPPINESS; EXCITEMENT and PLEASURE I feel knowing you are Post. I really appreciate your assistance in thrusting me into the darkness of my soul, I couldn’t have done it without you. Thank YOU…
Sending LOVE, Lila

Dear EVERYONE in my past,
PLEASE FORGIVE me for being human…If I ever offended you, I’m sorry…that really wasn’t me. I didn’t know who I was but then I’m not so sure that you were never in my position…

Do you really know who you are? Do you know how precious you are to the world? Are you afraid of the future? Are you afraid of losing it all? Are you aware of how you spite others? Do you even care?…

I’ve learned so much about who I am as a human. Maybe what I’ve learned in the past couple years would inspire you…if not, that would be OK. After all this time on the Earth I’ve realized it really doesn’t matter to me what anyone thinks, I still respect you and LOVE you for who you are…
Sending LOVE, Lila

I’ve been hiding the past couple years…studying and learning things like, from conception to about 7 years old we are in a state of trance and our brains are totally open to all the thoughts, ideas and feelings of everyone around us. These are the programs that we hold on to; most of them are false beliefs that came not only from everyone around us but those that were passed down from our forefathers, it’s in our DNA.

Did you know that by the time we are in our 30’s over 90% of our mind is operating on a subconscious level? That means that we are being guided by thoughts that have become a mindless, unconscious state of survival. We are making decisions based on what the general consensuses is… we are blindly led by decisions made by the media, advertisements and what the people in our own paradigms tell us is “normal” and this has us in an almost constant state of fight, flight or freeze…

Once we are able to recognize the false beliefs we have the power to delete/override what isn’t serving us and install the programs we want our lives to be. Today I realize I’ve always felt out of that “normal” range…I always felt so odd and looking back a lot of my life was lived in an almost continuous state of freeze…I hid under a box…

If you are still reading this, I want to Thank YOU for being in my life. My hard drive has been upgraded…I had a total meltdown under the pressure of trying to figure out what/who I needed to be to everyone…it was conflicting and confusing. I’m still learning who I really AM but today I feel like I woke up after a bad dream. I’ve learned so much in the past few years…there is so much more to this tale…I’ll try to keep my stories short…I have a lot to say but never knew how, I was afraid to use my voice…

PS I would rather you tell me this is all a piece of CRAP and I’m delusional than to be ignored…Do you know what it’s like to feel so vulnerable to everything and everyone around you and feel so alone? I have trust issues, look who I trusted to shield my heart and protect me for 35 years…my bad…I’m changing the way I play the Game of LIFE.