I have no direction, the only plan I have is to take a modified couch surfing trip. A few weeks ago I decided that if I was meant to travel then I would find the perfect carry-on bag and backpack. It only took one google search and I found them on the eBags website.
Committing to a $200 purchase may not seem like a lot to many people but it is about 40% of the monthly income the ex believes my 35 years in indentured servitude deserves. Of course the law says I deserve a lot more. Just to be out from under his debt, I recently conceded to receiving 33.34% of the assets and it appears that he’s waiting until he is forced by the court to live up to the agreement. Believe me it’s not a lot, about the same as a Florist in the UK would make. It is seed money, I BELIEVE I can make it grow. For 35 years I had no control over spending, saving or investing which I guess is a testament to the value I placed on myself.
There was a reason for it all and what I make up about it is that there was a lesson I needed to learn. All I want to do now is forget about those years of being worthless and powerless, the only memories I want to hold on to are the memories of my kids. Today my soul desire is to show them how my thoughts are creating a new reality. I wish I could just pull them into my peace and help them let go of the fears, reality tells me that until I can show them it’s working for me in the “real world”, they will be resistant.
Reality also tells me that until I get myself out into the “real world” I won’t know if I can continue holding on to this feeling…it’s been a couple years since I disconnected from the world in general. It hasn’t been easy but I allowed myself to go into the darkness of my soul, I allowed the feelings of worthlessness, confusion and despair to come up and I am grateful there were people supporting me, giving me a place and the space to break down.
The past couple years I’ve spent so many days under the covers crying, Tapping and breathing through the pain and having breakthroughs. Then there were numerous days creating worldwide industries in my mind and frustrated because there is no outlet, no energy, no partner(s) to share the dreams with or to assist me in taking them to the next level…it’s OK if not now, I can make up in my mind that when I am ready the right people will show up and together we will create realities.
I’ve let go of so many outcomes it doesn’t matter anymore, I gave up. Not on life but I’ve learned to let go of the need to force something to happen, I’ve been learning to give up control and accept that my Creator will give me what I want when I need it. The past few weeks a peace has come over me and I’m not anxious or afraid. Am I crazy or is this the way it’s supposed to be? It just feels right.
I believe the friends I’m staying with are concerned about my isolation. They are encouraging me to get a “real” job while I’m waiting for the divorce to be finalized. I understand where they are coming from because the life I’m creating is way out of their range of normal and I’m having a hard time explaining this part of my journey to them.
No car and no public transportation is limiting my options on finding a job. Yesterday I applied for a position as a Courtesy Clerk at the local Safeway. It feels like the least stressful job. There is freedom to roam around the store facing shelves, cleaning up, searching for prices and helping others…the big bonus would be going outside and collecting carts…I want to live as stress free as possible. Funny that a few months ago I decided that if I had to be back in Wickenburg, I would wear a name tag that said, “Hello my name is LILA”…I want everyone in my past to know I have changed and I’m going back to my birth name.
How can I know my new way of being is working? How can I be an example to my kids unless I get out of this introversion? My desire right now is to get out of my head and learn how to pull others into my peace…one person at a time…I was caught up in everyone else’s confusion for way too long.
…I just had a phone interview with Safeway, tomorrow I have an appointment for another in the store, maybe this is what I need to be doing right now…maybe this is my chance to see if I can pull others into my peace.