I have no direction, the only plan I have is to take a modified couch surfing trip. A few weeks ago I decided that if I was meant to travel then I would find the perfect carry-on bag and backpack. It only took one google search and I found them on the eBags website.

Committing to a $200 purchase may not seem like a lot to many people but it is about 40% of the monthly income the ex believes my 35 years in indentured servitude deserves. Of course the law says I deserve a lot more. Just to be out from under his debt, I recently conceded to receiving 33.34% of the assets and it appears that he’s waiting until he is forced by the court to live up to the agreement. Believe me it’s not a lot, about the same as a Florist in the UK would make. It is seed money, I BELIEVE I can make it grow. For 35 years I had no control over spending, saving or investing which I guess is a testament to the value I placed on myself.

There was a reason for it all and what I make up about it is that there was a lesson I needed to learn. All I want to do now is forget about those years of being worthless and powerless, the only memories I want to hold on to are the memories of my kids. Today my soul desire is to show them how my thoughts are creating a new reality. I wish I could just pull them into my peace and help them let go of the fears, reality tells me that until I can show them it’s working for me in the “real world”, they will be resistant.

Reality also tells me that until I get myself out into the “real world” I won’t know if I can continue holding on to this feeling…it’s been a couple years since I disconnected from the world in general. It hasn’t been easy but I allowed myself to go into the darkness of my soul, I allowed the feelings of worthlessness, confusion and despair to come up and I am grateful there were people supporting me, giving me a place and the space to break down.

The past couple years I’ve spent so many days under the covers crying, Tapping and breathing through the pain and having breakthroughs. Then there were numerous days creating worldwide industries in my mind and frustrated because there is no outlet, no energy, no partner(s) to share the dreams with or to assist me in taking them to the next level…it’s OK if not now, I can make up in my mind that when I am ready the right people will show up and together we will create realities.

I’ve let go of so many outcomes it doesn’t matter anymore, I gave up. Not on life but I’ve learned to let go of the need to force something to happen, I’ve been learning to give up control and accept that my Creator will give me what I want when I need it. The past few weeks a peace has come over me and I’m not anxious or afraid. Am I crazy or is this the way it’s supposed to be? It just feels right.

I believe the friends I’m staying with are concerned about my isolation. They are encouraging me to get a “real” job while I’m waiting for the divorce to be finalized. I understand where they are coming from because the life I’m creating is way out of their range of normal and I’m having a hard time explaining this part of my journey to them.

No car and no public transportation is limiting my options on finding a job. Yesterday I applied for a position as a Courtesy Clerk at the local Safeway. It feels like the least stressful job. There is freedom to roam around the store facing shelves, cleaning up, searching for prices and helping others…the big bonus would be going outside and collecting carts…I want to live as stress free as possible. Funny that a few months ago I decided that if I had to be back in Wickenburg, I would wear a name tag that said, “Hello my name is LILA”…I want everyone in my past to know I have changed and I’m going back to my birth name. 

How can I know my new way of being is working? How can I be an example to my kids unless I get out of this introversion? My desire right now is to get out of my head and learn how to pull others into my peace…one person at a time…I was caught up in everyone else’s confusion for way too long.

…I just had a phone interview with Safeway, tomorrow I have an appointment for another in the store, maybe this is what I need to be doing right now…maybe this is my chance to see if I can pull others into my peace.


I WAS A Micromanager

Micromanage (verb): to try and control or manage all the small parts of in a way that us usually not wanted or that causes problems.

I recently started an assertiveness training for Sensitives and have realized my part in the control I’ve placed on others in my life, always wanting to “fix” things always trying to figure out problems and trying to make people comfortable. My reality is that it was self-preservation, I needed every one around me to be at peace. If I would have known that I was a sponge to everyone’s emotions maybe my life would be different, maybe I would feel more established in the world, maybe… 

It really doesn’t matter now, I can move past my history. I realize now that trying to hold my partner of 35 years to a higher standard of a human than he believed himself to be confused him as much as it confused me. Now I know, I can change my relationships, I am learning what it means to set healthy boundaries and have the choice of who I want in my world. I am embracing the people that value the gift that I AM. The past couple years of isolation and introversion with limited interaction from others have allowed me to define what is mine and what belongs to others. I am learning what it means to be Sensitive and believe that maybe educating others is part of my mission at this time. This is what I make up about people like me…

Unaware Sensitives have become suffocated under the influence (guidance, authority, pressure, control…or maybe energy, power, force) of others; our parents, siblings, teachers, supervisors or well-meaning friends that expect us to be another way. Sensitives are confused by this because we “see”, “feel” or “hear” that the person expecting us to be “normal” is suffering from misalignment and incongruence of who they are to begin with. If we are ignorant of our sensitivities, we will allow ourselves to become wrong in our thinking and get trapped in their confusion.

We start judging our own beliefs, we start thinking there is something wrong with us. If we don’t know who we are, we have a hard time articulating and conveying our reality, we feel like aliens, we don’t fit in. At times we can feel wrong or judgmental because we can see the lies that “they” are effectively hiding from others. Most of the time we see the bigger picture and are able to predict an outcome…many people don’t like that. Many people are afraid to look in the mirror and yet that is who we are.

Sensitives usually don’t get “it”, the competition, control and greed that seems to make the world go round.  The world seems so inconsistent with what we believe is and what we know could be. Is it wrong for us to seek out the good in others? Is it wrong to have faith in the possibility of a loving, peaceful world? If our creator instilled unconditional love, respect and compassion in our minds, why can’t it be a reality? Why can’t everyone start focusing on how their actions affect others?  Why can’t we all believe in fairytales and happily ever afters? What would happen if we all believed that miracles happen every day? What if we all believed peace on earth could become a reality? What if we all started looking for the gifts in others? 

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche