It’s hard to believe that for over 2 years I’ve been in a state of transmutation and still find myself striving to figure out where I fit in…I know for a fact that this is the result of living under the irrational thoughts and beliefs of a narcissist and I can accept that but I don’t understand why it is so hard to make connections with real humans…flesh and blood…maybe the key is being divorced…hopefully it will be over soon.
I came across a part of my journal from 2012 and realize that I am still trying to figure out, why I feel my beliefs are so different from everyone else around me. There is no one to share these thoughts with…maybe I do think “too” much.
I could say that I am the weird one but I believe the thoughts came from something I heard at the time. There has to be others that resonate with this……does anyone else feel this way?
Journal entry 6/21/12
We are all in this world together. What keeps us so far apart? Why do we feel the need to hide our inner selves to others? Maybe we think that being vulnerable and exposing our true self in this world allows others, predators, to prey on us, ridicule us…maybe that is just the reality in this world. It’s a dog eat dog world, a caste system, materialism and greed are rampant in so many areas but underneath we are all striving for the same thing in life, LOVE.
Do we really need to know sadness to know HAPPINESS? My belief is that we were created to experience the earth, dance, play, feel free to just BE but why are we so afraid to make soulful connections? Who made up the notion that one color is better than another; my life is more and you are less than me; I don’t exist unless I have a servant, or someone to worship me?
Love exists within each of us and deep down we all want to be accepted, to live in our potential. We want work that fills our souls, utilizes our talents and makes us HAPPY. We are in an ego based world and when it all comes down to what IS, we are all just a bunch of cells put together. What makes one person, race or class more deserving than others?
Why is it so hard to play fair with each other? How can we connect with our fellow humans without fear of ridicule or fear of a beating down? Everyone talks about being individual, living your dream…the truth is that most of us fear what others will think and say of our choices and all the resistance is a collection of misunderstandings. What do we really understand about this world? We can say that we aren’t influenced by others but do we live our lives in harmony with those feelings? Why is it so hard to show how vulnerable we really are? What are we so afraid of? What mask are we living under?