SO MANY QUESTIONS…

It’s hard to believe that for over 2 years I’ve been in a state of transmutation and still find myself striving to figure out where I fit in…I know for a fact that this is the result of living under the irrational thoughts and beliefs of a narcissist and I can accept that but I don’t understand why it is so hard to make connections with real humans…flesh and blood…maybe the key is being divorced…hopefully it will be over soon.

I came across a part of my journal from 2012 and realize that I am still trying to figure out, why I feel my beliefs are so different from everyone else around me. There is no one to share these thoughts with…maybe I do think “too” much.

I could say that I am the weird one but I believe the thoughts came from something I heard at the time. There has to be others that resonate with this……does anyone else feel this way?

Journal entry 6/21/12

We are all in this world together. What keeps us so far apart? Why do we feel the need to hide our inner selves to others? Maybe we think that being vulnerable and exposing our true self in this world allows others, predators, to prey on us, ridicule us…maybe that is just the reality in this world. It’s a dog eat dog world, a caste system, materialism and greed are rampant in so many areas but underneath we are all striving for the same thing in life, LOVE.

Do we really need to know sadness to know HAPPINESS? My belief is that we were created to experience the earth, dance, play, feel free to just BE but why are we so afraid to make soulful connections? Who made up the notion that one color is better than another; my life is more and you are less than me; I don’t exist unless I have a servant, or someone to worship me?

Love exists within each of us and deep down we all want to be accepted, to live in our potential. We want work that fills our souls, utilizes our talents and makes us HAPPY. We are in an ego based world and when it all comes down to what IS, we are all just a bunch of cells put together. What makes one person, race or class more deserving than others?

Why is it so hard to play fair with each other? How can we connect with our fellow humans without fear of ridicule or fear of a beating down? Everyone talks about being individual, living your dream…the truth is that most of us fear what others will think and say of our choices and all the resistance is a collection of misunderstandings. What do we really understand about this world? We can say that we aren’t influenced by others but do we live our lives in harmony with those feelings? Why is it so hard to show how vulnerable we really are? What are we so afraid of? What mask are we living under?

I AM AN ALIEN

I am not the only one…

When I was 6 I remember there were two sisters at my school, Sunnyslope Elementary, who had convinced a lot of the kids that they were from Mars…what reality would a child be escaping from to create a story that grand? The next year we moved, I often wonder if they stuck to that story the rest of their lives or they found a more believable tale…

Here I am today, a half a century later, proclaiming that I am not of this world and I wonder how many people question my reality…truth is, my fantasy feels a lot more like home than the realities I see around me.

I’ve only known about BEing a Highly Sensitive Person about 2 years now. After feeling so different from everyone else and after feeling so devalued for so long I’m realizing how much I do, and have always, loved myself. Problem is that I don’t believe any one else saw the value in me. Although I always tried to fit in, the “real” world just never made sense.

I know I’m not the only one, there are a couple of people I personally know from my past who have recently identified with being Highly Sensitive and there have been a lot of internet searches that validate my feelings. Like me, most HSPs have felt like aliens all their lives and struggle to try and understand a world that makes no sense. Some of them, like me, have even taken antidepressants to help end the confusion.

What is so different about us? Just to name a few traits:

We are passive and don’t understand the need to compete. We have been repeatedly told by those in the “real” world that we think “too” much. We are “too” sensitive, we trust “too” much…or not enough…

About 70% of us are defined as introverts but introversion could be conditional, it would depend if we were in a supportive environment or an environment surrounded by drama, excessive noise or smells. We absorb the world around us so deeply that we need time to retreat and process the information. Sometimes we are aware of the emotional or physical pain of others, basically we are a sponge to the energy around us…if we aren’t made aware of this trait it can be quite confusing.

Our values are greater than our perceived weaknesses. We see a bigger picture in situations and constantly search for solutions. We have a great desire to help others. We are tolerant of imperfections and most of the time we are nonjudgmental. We don’t necessarily care about money or possessions. Our innermost desire is to make people happy…not as in being co-dependent, I see this as self preservation, life is so much easier when you’re not deflecting drama and negative vibes.

How do I know this? There isn’t anyone in my paradigm that affirms that my thoughts are collective, the two people I do know aren’t in the same place as discovery as I am…it’s just my fantasy that there are humans out there that are like me searching for the power in being a sponge to everyone’s emotions and trying to make it work in the “real” world.

I’ve given up practically everything the past couple years to be at this juncture in life. It’s OK I understand that I prayed to be out from under everything holding me down from being happy. Here I am today, feeling alone in my dreams…fighting a battle, hoping to be divorced soon from the narcissist that believes I deserve poverty. If a court of law believes my 35 years of indentured servitude is worth nothing I’ll accept that but at this point I don’t know what else I could do without the money…my soul desire right now is to travel and meet up with others that feel like me. If traveling isn’t what I’m supposed to do right now, send me another option. I’ve spent over 3 years searching for possibilities. I’m tired of trying to figure this out and tired of feeling like a misfit.

What else is possible? How do I make my reality as grand as my fantasy?

I seriously don’t believe I belong on this planet…

I WAS THE INVISIBLE WOMAN

For months I’ve been trying to decipher the meaning of why I am in a town I prayed for years to get out of…did I figure it out today?

My current job at Safeway is reminding me how insignificant I was to so many people. I lived in this little burg for about 40 years. A LOT of people don’t seem to recognize me. Although I don’t remember all their names, I remember many of their faces and their interactions with my ex. It seems everyone knew him by his first name, they would joke and converse with him…he was a charmer. Life was always about him. Maybe I need this reminder to never allow myself to be deflated, squashed, devalued…to never hide behind someone else’s ego again???

I did have a huge boost to my self-esteem the other day when one of my old classmates thought I was my 36 year old daughter…well she wasn’t wearing her glasses, but I was still flattered. And a couple of young adults I work with thought I was round 40, I must be doing something right, right now.

I still struggle with the feeling of, “I don’t belong anywhere”. This is a hard thing to describe…maybe it’s trying to find my value in a world I feel so far removed from. My dreams of “the house, the car, the stuff…” whatever everyone else wants just isn’t there. My desire is to be heard, have a voice, feel a value… Most of the time I feel really good, I feel a hope that everything is happening just as it should…until the feeling of just taking up space sets in and I just want to be gone. If I was meant to be alone, IF I am in this world to just exist with no purpose, no connection to a kindred spirit, then I might as well not even be here.

I have a strong desire to help others and this morning I was thinking that IF the Law of Attraction was real then there is someone out there that is asking for someone like me to show up in their lives. I am seeing things starting to unfold but there is still a resistance from people around me.

My BFF I am staying with is a flame work artist on the days she isn’t an RN. She is unhappy with her job and I’ve been trying to convince her the value her lamp work beads provide to people. I get lost…kind of in a meditative state when I look at the beautiful detail in her work. I’ve seen a lot of lamp work beads and none of them compare to hers. One of my many desires is to help her start selling online (I even created a catalog in my mind with her jewelry…my soap and bath products and other unique, hand crafted items. A percentage will go for a cause…HSP Awareness???)

 She is resistant to my suggestions of how to get her more exposure, she hates doing shows and selling but she does enjoy demonstrating and teaching the process. I’ve already posted a couple YouTube videos of her at the torch but think she needs her own channel…a Facebook page…an etsy account…she thinks it’s too much work for her. I believe I could manage it all for her and she could help my cause…I BELIEVE I could help a lot of people in many areas, all I need is ONE success story, is this too much to ask??? I don’t want to live in the shadow of another person, I want to shine, I want to help others to shine… I AM ready to be visible; EVIDENT; IN PLAIN SIGHT; OBVIOUS; CONFIDENT. I want to world to know that I AM the help they are looking for….delusion of grandeur? Thinking too highly about myself? I don’t care anymore… I’m working on a plan…It’s MY TIME to play the game of life MY WAY!!!

I AM SO REJECTED…

Let me reframe that…I feel so rejected. It’s not about anyone or anything, it just is. Evidently this is a common feeling that people like me have a lot of the time. Where does this come from and why would I be created to feel this so deeply? What purpose does it serve to feel EVERYTHING so deeply?

Today I have to focus on the forward movements in my life. Just babysteps, but coming out of 2 years of isolation and introversion it is forward movement. This past month I was hired to work as a Courtesy Clerk at Safeway.

Not a big job but it’s the least stressful thing I could be doing right now, it’s going along with what I’ve been asking for; a purpose to walk…it’s a 15 minute walk to and from my current shelter; a workout…lifting cases of water and beer or 4 liters of beverage bottles at a time and spending a couple hours pushing 6 carts at a time back into the store is physically challenging. It’s like spending 30 hours a week at the gym AND I’m getting paid a little more than minimum wage for it all…SCORE!!!

When I was in Mexico I decided that if I had to be back in this burg, I envisioned myself walking around the grocery store telling people from my past that I was someone different and that I was going back to my birth name by wearing a sticky name tag with, “Hello My Name is LILA”, on it…I didn’t put any attachments to the hows. It’s not as glamorous as I was hoping for but I am accomplishing a purpose. I’m seeing people I haven’t seen in years, getting at least one hug a day and hearing the words, “Let’s get together, let’s connect”. I don’t feel connections happening, years ago I decided I wasn’t going to force relationships anymore, people would have to ask me to join in…the energy stopped. What I make up about it is that there are other illustrious plans in store for me. I KNOW there is a purpose for my life, I KNOW there is a purpose for enduring a lifetime of feeling devalued.

Part of my current job is smiling and asking people if they need help, EXACTLY what I like to do. I think people are more accepting if I’m in uniform. For some reason I feel like people are uncomfortable being acknowledged by strangers, what I make up about it is that maybe they think I want something from them. Of course the narcissist always said people were jealous of me or if it was a man, he always thought I was coming on to them…still questioning my own reality…

Speaking of the soon to be ex, I’m still waiting to hear from his lawyer, to be out from under his financial debts, to start collecting 33.34% of the assets. Meanwhile the past 2 months his credit card payment has been taken out of MY account…building endurance, building tolerance and working on getting unstuck from his energy. Feeling like I’ve been ever so patient for over half a century waiting for MY TIME…I’m ready to take a QUANTUM JUMP!!!