TRANSMUTATION

Why did I choose to remove myself from the world and isolate for the past couple years? I was defeated after years of being consumed in his shame and blame, I needed to hide from the humiliation of allowing others to define who I was…anger of not being noticed, not supported and not valued. Embarrassed over not being strong enough to be who I AM…but then I never knew who I was…this does NOT define me anymore. I know who I AM now…I AM ready to come out…

After contemplating going to lunch or coffee, I called Adonis…after all I’ve been praying for someone new to show up in my life and he was the first one to approach me…actually he approached me three times…it just had to be a sign. We had a nice conversation on the phone. I was excited to hear that he wants live his life playing like he’s in the third grade (HEY I want to be a 7 year old), he said his career as a police officer involved a lot of work in domestic violence (HEY I’m recovering from emotional abuse. I belive a lot of victims are Sensitives that are unaware of their gifts…he could be a lot of help with his knowledge or contacts). His name is Phil, a friend of horses. Evidently his work was a perfect fit for his name, his birthright, he was a friend to victims of predators…animals of prey.

We went out for lunch and I guess he found out everything he wanted to know about me from our phone conversation…he didn’t ask many questions and didn’t seem interested about my life but I was fascinated by his. I was really hopeing that he was the friend I’ve been praying for but the goodbye was a little lackluster. What I make up about it is that he is probably too intimidated by my neediness, maybe he believes I might want something more than a friend…or maybe he just didn’t like me…I don’t see it going anywhere, besides that he is moving soon. But then we are living on different dimensions, he is retired and has end of life plans. I am still trying to figure out where I fit in this world and begin a new life. My

Since we said goodbye I’ve been experiencing short spurts of being on the verge of tears…not about him but the connection with him is making me realize how lonely this journey is…I’m not denying that I don’t crave unadulterated passionate moments with a man but that isn’t what I need right now…I am needy, I am probably the most needy person I know, not really emotionally but physically, all the stuff that makes the world go round…the work, the money, the car, the house…like most Sensitives I am craving work that fills my soul…I’m craving a partner that really “gets” me and wants to live in my fantasy…what I believe I need right now is to find out where I fit in this world and I know it’s not here. After the past couple years living in 4 states and in 2 countries I’m starting to believe there is no fit and my couch surfing plans are starting to feel so far away…my 7 year old just wants to be held…

…Yeah I think that I might break

I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me…

~Breathe Me~Sia

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OUTING MYSELF

A new month…I wonder if this is the month I will find people that just want to play…

It’s been barely 2 months since I decided I could feel safe in a crowd and now I’m working in a busy grocery store. Of course not the most esteemed position but being a Courtesy Clerk is really forcing me to connect with people and helping me to come out of my shell.

The brief interactions with people from my past are non committal so it feels safe but there is some pressure from my coworkers that want to pull me into their drama. My solution is to bring out my freak flag…I tell them about my recovery, explain a little about EFT and enourage them to breathe…every once in a while someone will follow my lead, but only seconds at a time, either they will believe in the value of what I have to offer or they will stop engaging me in the drama…how can I pull anyone into my peace?

The physical part of the job is good, the workout is strengthening my body and going outside helps keep me grounded…for the most part it feels comfortable but there are many days I go home emotionally exhausted…I AM GRATEFUL to know I’m not the only one, just knowing about this part of me helps put it all into perspective.

Last week I was faced with one of my biggest fears…it felt like the beginning of a romance novel…picture ME…a woman on the mend, “coming out” after being overshadowed by the crazy making mind F@#K of a damaged, narcissistic misogynist…still stuck in a fairy tale, believing there is a perfect partner out there but knowing that at 55 I am just a little girl trying to figure out what I will do the rest of my life. At this point I feel like partnering with anyone would be nothing short of prostitution…

He came out of nowhere…extended his hand and introduced himself, it feels strong, soft and safe…and then the dreaded question, “If you’re unattached would you like to go to lunch sometime?” He had his sunglasses on so I couldn’t see his eyes but…not that looks are really important but…hmmm…he could be an Adonis among men.

I’m coming out in a different way, trying to be just ME, vulnerable, honest, so my reply was as authentic as I could be…I don’t even know what my reply was but I remember a small stream of phrases like, “recovering from ptsd”, “not sure”…”I’m very flattered”…he left it open and said he was in the store often and said to think about it.

So many questions…so many fears. One of the biggest fears is that I have a big neon sign above my head that tells every narcissists and sociopath that I am vulnerable and a natural born rescuer…this is the double edged sword for me. I really do tend to see all the good in anyone that touches my soul and I realize now that is why I chose to allow him to overshadow me…I used him as a shield, I could deal with his brand of crazy, it was the only way I knew how to protect myself at that time…I need to remind myself that I am starting over, I AM just a child and all I really need is a friend…I need to learn that there are nice people out there that respect the vulnerable parts of me…

A LIFE BY DESIGN?

I just heard a talk by Wayne Dyer and thought I’d follow his lead and imagine myself in a conversation with God telling him the life I wanted to live before I was conceived:

“Please God send me to earth and help me learn all I can about what it feels like to be unseen in a sighted world. I don’t want to participate, I just want to observe…teach me to be as selfless as possible. I want to learn how to keep an open heart while feeling discarded, devalued, unsupported and misunderstood. I want to feel intense love, compassion and respect while living among people that have no desire to know who I AM.

Please put me in the middle of humans that are clueless about how passionate I feel about keeping those around me emotionally safe. I want to be completely vulnerable to the alpha personalities, the heartless, ego based narcissists and sociopaths who prey on the weak. The people that are always pulling rank, holding people down and keeping them small.

I want a chance to see the world like no other. I want to witness the contrasts in life, experience seeing the inconsistencies, feel the incongruences and disparities of those around me. Please give me the vision to see the bigger picture and allow me to see the greed and control those in power place on the ones they claim to be helping. I want to watch the innocent ones become hypnotized by the media, medicated and controlled by the entities they hold so dear.

Please partner me with a man that is only concerned about how I look, someone that will never place a value on who I AM, a damaged man that will never realize me as the help, support and love that is my core. A man that shines like no other, a man I can only see potential in, a man that will silence me and sabotage all my efforts in finding my own strengths. A man that will hold me powerless and will end up discarding me, leaving me broke and broken…a man that will believe that my years of indentured servitude were worthless…35 years should be enough time to do the trick…

 After that, please put me in isolation, give me the space to just think about only ME. Send me to a tropical beach with nothing else to do but go on long walks and watch the waves and a rooftop so I can spend endless nights lonely and alone watching the stars and dream of a brighter future. Help me find the tools I need to take care of ME. Help me tear down the walls I built around my heart. Help me find my gifts…”

Guess what??? It’s taken a little over half a century but I got EXACTLY what I asked for. THANK YOU GOD…I am sooo GRATEFUL for ALL the lessons I’ve learned.

Now for the fun part…I asked God to show me how to participate in this world, fully vulnerable with my heart and eyes wide open, my story is changing…kind of like playing an old Country & Western song in reverse… I’m ready to start implementing the skills I’ve learned in the “real” world.