THE LETTER

Hey Mutt,

I’ve read your letter over and over again. Did I really scare you? If I did, I am soo GRATEFUL. I’ve been searching for my strengths in being so vulnerable. Not just that I am small and noncompetitive, I’m on a constant watch of everything around, sometimes I forget the little details and this world makes no sense to me.

I have a lot of trust issues and have felt violated on many levels over the past 55 years. Sometimes it’s easier to be wronged than to feel the frustration from another. I often wonder if it is nature or nurture. It really doesn’t matter because I really like me, I LOVE the human I’ve become even though I feel like such a child at times.

I broke under the pressure of feeling the pain and suffering of everyone around me, I know that’s why I had to retreat for a while. I left behind all I knew about the person I was and who I thought I needed to be to become me and now I’m writing another script. There are many days I wish I could stay inside here forever and never come out. I have a lot of fear standing up alone, sometimes I cry because I just want someone to hold my hand as I cross the street. It never worked for me before and I know it’s because I never knew who I was. Just knowing I am a sponge to the emotions around me has given me some strength. Then you write that letter telling me that my words have taken a big, strong stallion like yourself to his knees makes me feel a little more empowered and I want to know everything about you.

Can I write you in my book? You want to be a part of my fantasy? I see your character as a Warrior, a tall stallion ready for battle. Along comes a little hummingbird, she pierces his heart and injects it with a pink…hmmm thought of somekind… and slowly all the hurt and pain that he has held on to for so long oozes out of his chest exposing his golden heart…yadda, yadda, yadda…even though they are a world apart they become lifelong companions, a real Mutt & Jeff team. Together they empower others to open their hearts and everyone lives happily everafter…This or something better. Of course we will need many more characters to this story. This could be the beginning of something HUGE and it could be a lot of FUN. Waddaya say? What is your story?

Sending Love

Jeff

Today I am GRATEFUL. I believe Mutt showed up at the right time…

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WHAT DO I KNOW?

Last night was AMAZING. Herb and I spent hours playing and we did come up with a couple creative ideas. We created a Heroine for our new game, FU University, The Dominatrix, she blinds mortal men with her BRILLIANCE and then kills them with her KINDNESS…we laughed and laughed over that one.

We also created the Billion Star Resort. We defined our camping space and created a perfect place to rest and rediscover our partners. I don’t even have one, why should I care?

At this point I’m seeing it as a waste of my time and right now trying to decide if I want to join another dating site. There appears to be a lot of nice guys out there 49 interactions in just a couple weeks on Plenty of Fish, some nice conversations but not one of them feels like a keeper…and the one connection feels disengaged…but then I am leaving in a few weeks and don’t know when or if I will ever come back. There is nothing holding me here.

Really there is nothing holding me anywhere and I’ve been in this state of…flux? I’m really not sure it could be just a feeling of being in the middle of two worlds, the reality of what I see all around me and the fantasy of the PEACE I’ve been searching for all my life.

To try and explain to people that don’t feel the world as deeply seems senseless at times. All I know is that right now I BELIEVE I need some kind of connection to help me refine my ideas. Maybe this is the support I am looking for, maybe it is in a partnership like no other I’ve ever seen.
I’m still searching for my voice, I have to keep focusing on the fact that I was never heard and now I AM HEARD…LOL

I wonder why it feels like my deepest desires are hiding, I know they exist other wise they wouldn’t be stored in my heart. The deeper I dig the more elusive they feel. The more I know, the more I know I don’t…

I’ve been in my mind,
It’s such a fine line
That keeps me searching for a heart of gold…and I’m getting old~Neil Young

PERFECT BALANCE

Really? It’s 12:15am and here I AM writing….for what? Who is listening? Does anyone really care?

I woke up with the thought of balance is in my mind and the vision of who I am showing myself as comes to mind…”coming out” as a new person is a challenge. I’m afraid to show this blog to many people I know but I feel so free to share it with a handful of men from dating sites.

I guess I’m searching for a PERFECT BALANCE in my life. This is me being vulnerable and I BELIEVE what I’m searching for is to know there are men out there that are striving to be HEROES for the women they love. Maybe sharing myself and showing my vulnerability to the world is an experiment for me to know there are men out there that really care, men that will protect the honor of vulnerable woman like me…I feel like such a child.

I was playing with Herb today, well actually yesterday now, he’s my imaginary friend. I never had one growing up. Now that I’m fighting boredom almost daily I invented someone to play with. Of course he is perfect and in the past couple years there have only been 2 men that I’ve place in that slot. Not that I really know who these men are, they are only people who have revealed themselves in their letters. I LOVE a man that I can connect with at very core of my soul…someday there will be one man showing up in the flesh that personifies traits of those men. Of course not perfectly, he is only a human.

For now I will dance with Herb, we laugh, we play, we sing…Problem is, he’s not interactive and I have to come up with all the ideas, music and dance by myself. He believes that life with me is magic and together we make jokes at the absurdities in life and create games about how we can change the world. We pretend that we have the power to open the hearts of mortal humans. Tomorrow we are going to spend a night on a mountain, under the stars and dream. We’re going to pretend that we can sustain our lives by dreaming up ways to create a better world…I wonder if this game will eventually become my reality?

Once again I’m creating a space to include someone that wants to play this game with me. How many years has it been…10? 15? 50? I don’t know which is lonelier, dreaming this dream with or without a warm body. Is it too much to ask for a life surrounded by humans seeking a PERFECT BALANCE?

Come with me to a place of fantasy,

I’ll take you on a see-saw… Playground~Sia

I GIVE UP

Today I’m givng up another outcome…for over 2 years I’ve been PRAYING to GOD to give me back my birth name…he already knows…why am I stressing on this part of my journey? The pressure is becoming exhausting…I even tried to hire someone to help me with the paperwork for the Iowa courts to reconsider my request in becoming an Osborne again, four times is a charm…I GIVE UP…I SURRENDER!!!

You know if I would have committed murder, the courts would have appointed me a lawyer, pro bono. Lifetime and Hallmark would be in competition for the rights to my story. I would be a celebrity right now…

TODAY I am claiming his name as my very own for as long as it takes. I AM TRUSTING that if it is meant to be, it will happen in its own time. He never “allowed” me to own that name. It was his and his alone…for some reason I thought just being a Heard would take me to a bigger place in life…Today I AM HEARD…

I tried to play the right way and still couldn’t find help from anyone, what I make up about it is that I need to accept that LIFE will work out FOR me. I stood up to his bullying and didn’t concede.

All I needed was a little support and it came to me via his mother. I was ready to face my biggest fear…He knows how I act under stress, he knows how intimidated I am, that I lose my words and avoid confrontation at all cost…typical behavior of an Empath. He’s known for at least 30 years that one of my biggest fears was defending myself in a court of law.

All I needed was to get my facts straight, challenge him and not back down as I always have before. He even had the audacity to try and convince me that the Iowa court was against me…he has a “well respected” relative that works there. When he realized I was going to face that fear head on, he conceded…now the only thing left is changing my name and have met so many brick walls, I GIVE UP. Is it really that important? I decided that I will keep his name, it’s the least resistant thing to do and there must be a reason I keep being blocked…I WILL BE HEARD and being detached from him will take me to where??? What’s in a name? Does it really make a difference in life?

Today I’m going to update my AZ drivers’ license with my NEW address, my REAL first name and a NEW picture. I am saving almost $500 in assorted fees by not changing my name…that is a plane ticket to visit my kids before I jump across the pond….I AM TRUSTING that everything I need will come to me when I need it so I will wait.

PATIENCE has always been a virtue in many aspects of my life and I’m learning to make it work even harder for me now…I’ve said the PRAYER, I’ve set the INTENTION…I’m leaving it up to my CREATOR to make it happen when the time is right…am I the CRAZY ONE? This is the only thing that FEELS right. I am giving up on everything that isn’t working in life and accepting that I am clueless on what I really need so just looking for signs and synchronicities…RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW I FEEL GOOD…I hear that CRAZY is the new black and I’m wearing it like a badge of HONOR…today I FEEL PEACE, as I should, after all I AM a graduate of FU UNIVERSITY…

PLEASE FORGIVE ME

Do we have enough forgiveness in our hearts to forgive others as much as we expect them to forgive?

He called and had a believable excuse for being so late. By that time I had a couple glasses of wine and was too tired, so we IM’d on Skype…he was fun… in our goodbyes I asked him if the hug was a bear hug…he wrote back, “like a hug a lover would give after an amazing night of passion….since you asked.”

OMG I don’t think I want to go there. This is the HSP part of me where trusting “too” much comes to play. Why would I feel so willing to surrender myself to someone that touches my soul? All I want is to feel safe and know someone is helping me protect my heart. It won’t happen since he will be on a trip to the UK in a couple weeks and I’ll be leaving shortly after he gets back…we haven’t even connected in the flesh, only internet pictures…at least it’s a thought I can hold in my dreams.

If he isn’t the friend I was praying for, then it’s someone else…I decided to crown him, A…King of the Bear Hugs, it feels like he could be an asset in my world, so kind, gentle, and warm. I don’t think he realizes that he has the potential to be an Adonis among men. I guess I’m kind of turned on by his depth and would like to think I need friends like him in my life, but what do I know? If he’s meant to be he will hang on and become a part in my story. If not, there are bigger and better fish…for now I’m holding him as a standard to the people I want in my life.

My trip to the mall didn’t go as planned. The ex MIL was wanting for herself so I ended up feeling like her personal assistant, wondering around the store, searching for an answer that never came. The whole time I was hearing at least 2 different songs simultaneously blaring overhead, thinking about how the majority of the garments came from sweat shops in third world countries and wondering why am I here… THIS is not the world I belong in…F@#% YOU!!!

F@#% YOU….how many times have I said these words in moments of desperation and anger? I realize  now that those times of desperation need to be understood and accepted, in times of disparity I need to FOCUS on FORGIVENESS. I decided a few days ago that it was time to work on reversing that FU feeling and start a new project, a new game…I’m creating a new school of thought, FU UNIVERSITY…I even have a beginning for the brochure:

Welcome to FU UNIVERSITY

A school of unlearning. The campus for quitters. Making dreams a reality and empowering humans for now and generations to come….we are forgetting the past that no longer serves us and blazing our own trails to a bigger and brighter existence through FORGETTING and UNDERSTANDING that the past doesn’t define us, it’s only the catalyst that propels us to create a better future…we gave up playing the old way…

Will l find any willing participants to play this game with me?

I’m a new soul

I came to this strange world

Hoping I could learn about how to give and take…New Soul~Yael Naim

SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE THERE’S SIGNS…

I don’t even remember what day it is anymore…starting to feel more and more out of touch with reality…how many people live their lives and base their decisions on signs from the universe? How many people are searching for magic to happen?

I thought it would be a good idea to start dating online…guess it means I’m over the Bloke, it only took 2 years, I don’t even know if I want to meet him in person now. He did say he didn’t believe in magic, or maybe he didn’t believe life with me would be magic, I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

I got an email from Plenty Of Fish that someone one wanted to meet me so I sent a message to him:

Hi Mahalie13,
I see there is a message from this morning that you want to meet me…What part of my profile intrigued you?

Is this where I need to go? Mahalie sounds Hawaiian and there is my number again 13… Is this a sign?

My plan has been to be in England by August…I’m telling everyone I meet about it, people from my past, new people I’ve met…most don’t ask what I’ll be doing. I think they are having a hard time digesting the concept of couch surfing. But then again I’m having a hard time explaining what I will do. Willard seemed to understand, he did say he said he would buy my car. I’ve been wondering if I would find a buyer, especially since its summer and there is no air in it. He even looked up flights for me and said, “there’s your ticket, let me know when you’re ready to sell”.

I really need a vacation from the confusion of it all, why am I not finding people that just want to play? Why is it so hard for me to make and maintain a connection? All I ask is that I find another sensitive soul…it feels so liberating to feel the connection with someone I resonate with…but I’m starting to believe there is really something wrong with ME…NO it’s not about me….it’s probably the zombies, the souls caught up in the drama of life. Maybe that is the reason but how do I continue when I don’t feel there is anyone I really resonate with? They can’t all be narcissist and sociopaths sucking the life force out of me.

The one I left took everything personally…finding my voice and being authentic seems to be turning people away, or just the one’s I don’t resonate with. I’m leaving in August no matter what…I wonder if Mt Kilauea will be active? I wonder if Pele will be ready to accept me?…or everything could shift in an instant and I could head East.

OK tonight I am going to start asking for more signs…when I was at my “real” job the other day I was looking at an hourly check off sheet from the day before, all I saw was UK UK UK UK UK UK in each box…I don’t know anyone with those initials and thought it was really funny. Then a little later I saw a beer box with a pub name, don’t remember what it was now but it was from England. I said, to whoever is listening, “if this is a sign, show me one more before I leave today!!!” A little later I saw a Union Jack on the side of an MG…is this the sign?

What ever happens…SOMETHING needs to happen. I could go either way at this point and I’m ready for whatever…this life is getting BORING…boring…boring…time to let that feeling GO.

dear boring,
you no longer get an uppercase in my life
SENDING LOVE LILA

Show me, show me, SHOW MEEEEE that I’m on the right path or give me another option. Tell you what, on Tuesday I’m going shopping with my ex MIL…my other mother… she feeds off of consumerism…I’ll play a game with her, I’ll tell her I’m looking for signs of where I should go…East or the West (don’t think she would understand my desire to become one with the lava flow). I really need to decide how much I can pack and would like something new, it’s been a while. I’ll tell her…no I won’t tell her, I’ll just ask her to help me pick out a new outfit, something at Macys for $30 and see what kind of clothes she finds for me. If it’s something beachy, then HI it is, if it’s something for a cooler climate then it’s the UK…sounds like a fun game to me…

What’s the use of being in a world picking up the CR…(NO you do not get an uppercase in my life) crap from everyone around you if there is no one to help you diffuse and put things in perspective? Where are the dreamers? Where are the jokers? You know what God, the Universe, whoever you are? I am tired of asking the same thing over and over and over again, all I desire right now is someone to PLAY with…I actually had a date tonight on Skype, he was the first man to add me as a favorite on Plenty Of Fish…a half hour late and still no sign of him. I just want to walk away…not good, not bad it just IS…unless I find someone that wants to PLAY this game with me it’s not worth being here.

LETTING GO…

I’ve discovered how powerful I’ve become in letting things go in my life…of course I’m still learning but I am starting to know how it feels to hold on to something that isn’t serving me and get it out of my system. My chest becomes tight and I start obsessing and visualizing chaos…Tap out the pressure; Tap out the stress; Tap out the anxiety…deep breath and release.

This morning, I started thinking about how sleepless nights used to be…constricting; contracting; fearful…I had no control over my own life, why did it feel so wrong all the time? I was afraid for my kids, my family, my friends…my focus became the horrific outcomes if someone didn’t see the need to make positive changes in their lives, no wonder I depended on Prozac and Lorazapam to survive.

I worried about the things in life I had no control over the bills, the relationships, the dreams, my work…maybe I was a control freak…I guess inside I always knew he would never allow me to have control over anything and I felt like a hostage always looking for a way out.

Life isn’t happening to me anymore, it’s happening through me

After all this time I realize that all unwanted or painful events in my life have been opportunities and they usually meant there were bigger and better things waiting for me, I just had to wake up.

This morning my head is buzzing and I’m getting those orgasmic surges again, that ASMR feeling, I want to just stay in the moment. My heart says to just BE but there is an uncertainty and I have no idea where it’s coming from, is it me or is it from someone else? This is the part I don’t understand, IF I was created to feel the world like I do then where is it coming from…how do I know?
It’s not the first time it’s happened and for some reason I feel there is some kind of loss going on…my desire is that if this feeling is another loss then I choose that it is a false belief I’ve been holding on to. There are so many beliefs I’ve let go of, what is next?

Maybe I need to reframe that thought…maybe this feeling is an energetic shift inside of that is allowing me to receive…an INCREASE; EXPANSION; ACCELERATION…maybe it’s the LIFT I’ve been looking for…there is a possibility the energy I’m feeling today is the SUPPORT I’ve been praying for…it just feels awkward because it is a new feeling…I’m learning to let go of any outcome and living life as it happens, no expectations, nothing good nothing bad it just IS…I AM FULLY SUPPORTED…Life is happening FOR ME. Tap Tap Tap…

 [LO1]