WHAT AM I AFRAID TO KNOW?

This is the question I took away after meeting a new contact a few days ago.

This morning I woke up to…not really fear, it was a little heaviness on my chest…an unsettled feeling in my heart….my throat feeling tight…the uneasiness of being alone in this journey…tears streaming down my face.

I’ve been on this journey of finding myself for how many years? All my life I’ve been searching for the answers to why I felt so wrong. It makes no sense to me that it’s taken this long…what I make up about it is that there were many lessons I needed to learn before I could claim who I AM.

Sometimes…no most of the time, my reasoning feels illogical but I need to make up something about why I was never supported as a child, why I allowed myself to become attached to a narcisstic misogynist and allowed myself to be devalued for so many years. Maybe it is because I needed to be this insignificant person so I could become a show of force when it was MY TIME to “come out”…Can you say, “Delusions of grandeur?” It’s my fantasy, I guess I can make up whatever the hell I want.

I’ve been searching for what I need to do and where I belong for so long now…where are the blocks? What am I supposed to be doing? Each time I get to an AH HA moment, feelings of my prayers being answered and feeling that I’m going to be propelled to wherever, whatever my purpose is, more questions come up. More unwanted events show up…just as I think that I am being led to the perfect path, it gets pulled out from under me…all I can make up about it today is that maybe I need to focus on what it means to be an Empath.

I’ve only known about the trait for three years now and to tell you the truth the first time I read about it, I was in a space of total rejection and fear. It was easier knowing about being a Highly Sensitive Personality…I guess I’m afraid of BEing me…it doesn’t feel safe to be in a world dominated by competition, corruption and greed. It doesn’t feel safe BEing ME…

Tapping Tapping Tapping
IT’S SAFE TO BE ME
IT’S SAFE TO BE ME
IT’S SAFE TO BE ME

Maybe today I need to focus on what it really means to BE ME…

OTHER DIMENSIONS

“Nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as believing that I’m standing on the outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be like if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen”~Brene Brown

Life can be confusing at times. All my life I just knew that by the time I was 50 life would finally make sense…I’m working hard on not looking back but I do often wonder how much different my life would be right now if I would have felt supported by another human, any human at any time. It’s my journey and I guess I’m the only one that can define this ride. It’s mine alone and who knows better than me? It’s my fantasy…

Today I decided to start putting the journey of the past few years into sections, compartments …dimensions. What I am making up about my life today is that the Third Dimension is my former home. This is the space where the majority of people around me live. In this space we hold in the fears, we allow ourselves to be defined by our paradigm and seek out the approval of others.

The deconstructing point of my journey will forever be known as the the Fourth Dimension, this was where I broke…I questioned every reality about my life and who I believed I was. I questioned my family and friends, their motives and the level they supported me our used me as a sounding board for their pain. The people who listened to what I needed to say. The people that held me during the times I thought I couldn’t go on. Sometimes I wonder if the ones I kept in my life agreed with me just to be polite and not hurt my feelings. I guess I see them still stuck in the matrix of confusion…what hurts at times is that I know my part in perpetuating the lies. I’m only human, how was I supposed to know?

Eventually life became all about ME and I realized that is all that matters. ME taking care of, believing, loving and nurturing ME. The reality is that in the end I AM the only one that really matters to ME.

Today I’m defining this stage as my Fifth Dimension, I’m not completely there yet but I am getting glimpses of how life on this planet could be…

We have lost communication with other humans and earth itself. Many of us are relying on others to define our reality. We’ve learned to put up barriers and wall up our hearts in order to feel safe…When chaos appears we have become quick to blame and shame others rather than look inside, find out how we created the conflict in our own lives and search our own souls to correct it. Have we become a world of heartless leeches sucking the life force out of everyone we expect to “fix” us?

I’m working hard to stay in this new Dimension. Recent unwanted events have made me realize that I could easily be stuck in feeling of being rejected by love, dismissed, discounted and used on many levels but I choose to look for the gifts I AM receiving. I choose to focus on the feelings I want in my life…I am only an observer searching for the happy ending.

I’m working hard to LET GO of outcomes. I’m working on holding on to the Autonomous Sensory Meridian Responses…I AM doing this right in the middle of the conflict going on around me today…after all doesn’t creating MAGIC in your life begin by letting go of outcomes and holding on to the feeling of where you want to be?

There has to be a reason I was placed on this earth and I’ve made a pact with my CREATOR to become the best HUMAN I can be…I hope my kids understand the contrast between their father and me. My desire is that they see the generational patterns being perpetuated in their own lives and learn to LET GO of what isn’t serving them. Today I am fantasizing that they are beginning to follow my lead…I have no control, all I can do at this time is dream…I want to surround myself with people that BELIEVE in the POSSIBILITY of PEACE…

Dear Mutt,
Thanx for the gift, I BELIEVE you showed up in my life at EXACTLY the right time…
Sending LOVE,
Jeff

BROKEN?

I don’t need you to fix me…I need you to love me while I fix myself ~anonymous

What is left for me to fix? Today I realized that I don’t feel broken anymore. My life is far from where I BELIEVE it should be but the feeling of damaged and incomplete is gone. My financial situation hasn’t really improved, I really don’t know where I belong and still searching for the signs, synchronicities and people to show up in my life but inside of me feels complete. The worthless feeling that plagued my soul for so many years doesn’t feel like a reality anymore.

Just knowing how different I AM from the majority of the world is such a relief and I AM learning how to take care of ME.

All my life I felt like it was my job to take care of others, not even realizing that I had a choice. I’m pretty comfortable with just BEing and experiencing life which is perfect fodder for a narcissist…I’m working hard to change that part of me. What would it feel like to be with someone that is equally concerned about my comfort level as much as I am theirs?

This is something I have no control over, I’ve set the intention, I’ve planted the seed. I’ve given up forcing anything to happen in my life and have to trust that if I just keep breathing and hold on to the FEELING what I need will show up at exactly the right time…in perfect harmony…the precise moment at the absolute perfect second…THAT is when the magic will happen, or so I’ve read. This is the only thing I have to hold on to today…

According to http://www.greatgenius.com there are 7 traits of Highly Magical People…

1) You have a sense of Being Magical
2) You experience plenty of Synchronicities
3) You can FEEL and change according to the 4 seasons and moon cycles
4) You Experience Vivid dreams and even lucid dreams
5) You have psychedelic experiences with LOVE
6) You have an Abundance of life force energy
7) You LOVE to share and impart magic everywhere

I actually do FEEL Magical a lot of the time, its part of my fantasy. I AM searching for MAGIC moments to start showing up in my “real” world…if its not MAGIC, if its not FUN, what’s the use of BEing here?

OOPS I DID IT AGAIN…

I spent 35 years trying to convince one man that if we really tried, we could live a life in eternal bliss…I never really asked him if he wanted to play my game and I spent forever trying to help him heal the damaged parts. I was looking outside of myself and should have spent those years looking inside and taking care of ME…I am NOT a savior of man…I know now that I can only save myself.

How selfish of me…why do I BELIEVE that everyone wants the same thing as me? Why do I believe that everyone wants to be on this voyage of creating a peaceful existence? We are all on our own journey and I guess there are a lot of people that are happy being stuck on a rollercoaster of insecurities and uncertainties…my desire is to change the world and I just assume everyone that touches my soul wants the same. Not everyone “gets” me. Here I am once again ass-u-me ing that a man wanted to be on this ride…I didn’t ask his permission. I just ass-u-me d I found someone that is searching for the same thing maybe its because I’m just tired of being on this journey alone…sometimes I just want to go home…

Dear Kind Doctor J,

Please forgive me for attaching you to my fantasy without your permission. I was praying for someone fun to come into my life and you showed up. You appeard to be a perfect fit, so adorable…someone that feels so peaceful.

I LOVE your smile, I LOVE making you laugh, I LOVE how I feel when you’re next to me, I LOVE that you appreciate the parts of me that I’ve never liked. I LOVE, ADORE and APPRECIATE so many things about you…I even like your weirdness.

You touched my soul and I believe I touched yours. What happened? What was the breakdown in communication? I believe the man of my dreams will want to work on this with me. Maybe communication is what I need to focus on right now…maybe I need to ask for more. Maybe I need to stop focusing on what I can give you and make it about ME…what can you give me?

I regret that I held you in a space I had no business inviting you to. I’m just so eager to come out of this shell and looking for a perfect partner. I’ve never been free enough to just BE and I guess there is a level of fear being on my own. It never felt safe BEing ME and I hid under a cloak of anger and shame of another, I sold my soul to someone I thought could keep me safe…does that even make sense???

I LOVE, TRUST & FORGIVE “too much”, I don’t and have never comprehended how a human can be too much of a good thing…I allowed it to break me and will never put myself in that position again. There is a LOT I don’t comprehend about humans in general, it would be nice to have a partner to help make sense of the confusion I feel from others. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. There will always be a space in my heart for you. I’ll continue holding on to the belief that there is someone a lot like you asking for someone exactly like me to show up in their life.

Sending YOU LOVE,

Lila

Today I’m changing my prayer…

Please God send me a good guy, a huMAN that can create his own PEACE, a huMAN that wants to help me create FUN and PLAY. A huMAN that shares and is willing to SUPPORT ME and my desire to make a change in the world…one HUMAN at a time.

Please send me a huMAN that sees ME as an answer to his prayers. A man that treats me like a GODDESS and believes that life with ME could be MAGIC.

Someone that is willing to learn how to effectively communicate and is willing to share this ride with me…this esoteric, uncharted, unscripted fantasy of helping to save the world…I know I must sound CRAZY at times but it feels safe holding on to this dream. PLEASE GOD send someone that will help me to create this fantasy…being on this journey alone is becoming exhausting. There is nothing left in this world to go back to, all that is left is my dream…

TAPPING, TAPPING, TAPPING…

I AM SUPPORTED as I ask for help

It’s safe for me to ask for help,

Asking for help is a sign of my strength…

IT’S SAFE TO BE ME…

IT’S SAFE TO BE ME…

IT’S SAFE TO BE ME…

KINDERED SPIRITS

Where are they?

Twice since I’ve been back from Mexico I was able to express to a couple friends about the past hurts I’ve had and I just realized both of them gave me basically the same message…”that is how “those” people are, “they” will always be that way. I don’t allow “them” to affect my life and you shouldn’t either. You just have to ignore “them” because that is just the way most people are”…Am I really just “too sensitive”???

Why should I be feeling shame over this? Why should I be the one to once again contract and ignore the bad behavior of others? Shouldn’t “they” learn to be more aware of how their actions affect not just me but others like me? Shouldn’t “they” be more conscious that their words can hurt?

But then again, who can blame them? From childhood they were told things like, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me”. LIES LIES LIES!!! It’s all a LIE and to continue perpetuating the lie that we can say and do whatever we want without hurting others only gives unconscious others permission to continue overpowering human souls.

Why can’t “they” change? Maybe “they” need to know that others pick up on the subtleties of their actions or words…maybe “they” should be aware that “they” need to start focusing on how “they” disrupt the energy of others by “their” inconsiderate expressions. Maybe “they” need to reverse that mirror…Who are “they” anyway?

My belief is that they are the zombies…they abuse their power and hurt others because someone told them to look outside for validation…I want to hurt them back by exposing their lies, I’m tired of seeing humans hurt…I see it happening in my own family and I guess that is who I really want to save right now…but how? I need to do something….anything as a show of force…what will couch surfing accomplish? I feel like Captain Dan in the masthead daring God to take something else away that isn’t serving my highest good…besides my kids I don’t see anything else that really matters in life anymore…they are good people and I BELIEVE they will follow once they see life working FOR ME…that’s OK. Hawaii is always an option too…my breaking point is over, I have no control and just learning to coast right now.

I know I am not the only one that feels this way. Where are the sensitive ones that like me, are tired of this game? Where are the ones that like me, feel the duality and separation, the inconsistencies and unfairness? Where are the kindred spirits that feel the contrasts of life? It would be so much easier to connect with someone that understands what I feel. Life might make more sense if I could connect with others that feel as deeply as me, humans that validate my feelings…I’m not looking for perfection, just souls with open hearts and a willingness to believe that thoughts, words and beliefs become reality.

Maybe WE ALL need to wake up and learn how to effectively navigate this journey of life…maybe WE need to start living life through our hearts rather than our heads. Maybe WE need to question the world around us and start working on living a life of our dreams…it can’t be just ME…

My DESIRE today is to create a world where linear and lateral thinkers can unite. How can this be possible?

HEROES

WISDOM, JUSTICE, GOODNESS, LEADERSHIP…what more could a girl ask for in a man? What more could one HUMAN ask from another?

I don’t comprehend the journey of many humans and I often wonder what my own journey would have been like IF I knew I was a sponge to the emotions around me. IF I would have known, would I have been a stronger women? IF I believed in myself as much as I believed in him then maybe I would know where I belong right now…maybe I would have chosen a better man to father my children…maybe I would have been a better mother. My desire today is to FOCUS on what could be…

The past weekend felt like magic, I became lost in another dimension and got lost in my fantasy…the reality is that I’m still trying to find that perfect fit. I know it isn’t possible to save the world but…but…I have this strong desire to help heal the souls that have been devalued and I’m searching for the how…

This morning feels like a freefall into nothing…there are so many things I feel like I have to sort out in my own life and I’m feeling a lot of attachment to someone that feels complete, I have no desire to “fix” him. Part of me wants to be rescued, part of me wants to attach myself to his world, part of me wants to just stand forever in his gaze and watch him smile…the BIG GIRL part of me says that I still need to feel like I fit somewhere alone, stand on my own, be my own person, not attached to another ego before I can even start to think about asking someone else to share my fantasy.

I truly believe that the LOVE two people share could save the world…maybe not the entire world but their own paradigms but then who can really say? I’ve never seen it being done. Who gives a flying f? Who cares if it’s just a fantasy? Whatever… Has anyone ever really tried? My fantasy is to find a man that is willing to try to show the world that when we truly commit to sharing a dream of what Unconditional LOVE for another human is, we could change the world…one person at a time. What a wonderful legacy to leave your kids…it could take a week, a lifetime, or even centuries, it really doesn’t matter to me I’m willing to die trying. I’d lay down my life to feel the PEACE…to live in a world where HUMANS learn to LOVE, RESPECT, HONOR, CHERISH…EMBRACE…SUPPORT…I guess what I am searching for right now is a way to make this feeling work in the “real” world.

MAKE??? I cannot force anything to happen…maybe I need to change make into…destroy…obliterate…devastate??? Maybe I could be a catalyst and help others to start destroying false beliefs…how do I show my children that giving up the crap that is holding them down from being HAPPY will lead to creating a life of FANTASY? Am I delusional? Isn’t this what everyone is striving for? I BELIEVE we all need to reprogram who we believe we are, start learning to be honest with ourselves as well as others. If this isn’t it, I don’t want to be here…there has to be one HUMAN that wants to take this ride with me…today I want to update my resume…my new business card will include Catalyst for Change…not perfectly, after all I am only HUMAN and I still have a lot to learn…I’m still striving for perfection myself.

Today I decided to LET GO of another outcome. It’s not easy…I recently heard that life is a bitch! If it was easy, then it would be a slut…I AM GRATEFUL for this sad, uncertain, tearful day. I allowed myself to fall in love and now wondering if it was a wise thing for me to do at this time because every day I still question my own reality. I keep reminding myself, if it’s not him, someone better will show up at the right time. I’m not striving for perfection, just the perfect fit for me…after all this is MY LIFE and it’s all about ME…all I desire today is for someone to be my co pilot…my wing man…my side kick…

We could be heroes, just for one day ~David Bowie

FUNICULAR TIMES

Sitting in the early morning drizzle, it’s the first rain of the Monsoon…cool drops of water on my face, the smell of greasewood in the air and thinking about the funicular time yesterday… wondering how many times spellcheck has taken others to another dimension.

For me it was a made up word full of wonderment, excitement and fun…and then he texts me, “funicular is a great word but actually means something pulled by or pulling with a cable. Like a winch or capstan.”

He tells me he is definitely not HSP, “I actually crave overwhelming sensory input. I believe we talked about that yesterday. Driving too fast, heading into instead of away from dangerous acts. Enjoying the silence of crowds. Etcetera etcetera infinitum…”

Duhhh did I ever tell you that sometimes I miss the important stuff? Then he poses a question:

“Why does a sparrow perch in the maternal nest of a bird of prey?”

This huMAN definitely gets an upper case in my life:

ME: “thought provoking…will tell you later. Need to hear funicular used in a sentence…it’s starting to become a story”

HIM: “I took the funicular train high up the precipice. Heart pounding with every turn of winch to cable thinking it would certainly fail and leave me at the mercy of gravity.”

ME: ”OK that’s good…what about on an energetic level…I’m trying to describe it as a pull from the universe. Of course my story isn’t infused with the adrenaline you are describing…but then I am feeling that elation in the sparrow.”

As I’m contemplating this pull I get a vision of a dream he shared with me…maybe it’s a pull from the matrix I see:

ME: “and the blue cord or was it a ribbon?…I see it having some significance also….LOL you’ve given me a lot of inspiration this morning thanx”

HIM: “The soul pulls relentlessly toward the nexus with funicular spirals until the cord is taught and we are at last free.”

ME: “once the cord is taught I see the scissors cutting it thus freeing the soul”

HIM: “Scary. That’s what I thought”

ME: “I like scary…and freaky too LOL”

He was my first real date in almost 40 years. Lunch turned into walking and hanging around town until after 5. The first man ever to start a conversation about saponification…he makes soap and a plethora of other things I’ve done before. It was good, I’m sure I’ll see him again. I’m fantasizing about going to work with him one day to his current job…riding in a helicopter to Havasupai…

I’m pretty sure he has visions of me in his fantasy too. Well I know he has visions, especially after I received the text, “You are weird enough to keep my attention”…yea I AM weird…it feels good knowing that someone appreciates the weird in me…