WISDOM, JUSTICE, GOODNESS, LEADERSHIP…what more could a girl ask for in a man? What more could one HUMAN ask from another?

I don’t comprehend the journey of many humans and I often wonder what my own journey would have been like IF I knew I was a sponge to the emotions around me. IF I would have known, would I have been a stronger women? IF I believed in myself as much as I believed in him then maybe I would know where I belong right now…maybe I would have chosen a better man to father my children…maybe I would have been a better mother. My desire today is to FOCUS on what could be…

The past weekend felt like magic, I became lost in another dimension and got lost in my fantasy…the reality is that I’m still trying to find that perfect fit. I know it isn’t possible to save the world but…but…I have this strong desire to help heal the souls that have been devalued and I’m searching for the how…

This morning feels like a freefall into nothing…there are so many things I feel like I have to sort out in my own life and I’m feeling a lot of attachment to someone that feels complete, I have no desire to “fix” him. Part of me wants to be rescued, part of me wants to attach myself to his world, part of me wants to just stand forever in his gaze and watch him smile…the BIG GIRL part of me says that I still need to feel like I fit somewhere alone, stand on my own, be my own person, not attached to another ego before I can even start to think about asking someone else to share my fantasy.

I truly believe that the LOVE two people share could save the world…maybe not the entire world but their own paradigms but then who can really say? I’ve never seen it being done. Who gives a flying f? Who cares if it’s just a fantasy? Whatever… Has anyone ever really tried? My fantasy is to find a man that is willing to try to show the world that when we truly commit to sharing a dream of what Unconditional LOVE for another human is, we could change the world…one person at a time. What a wonderful legacy to leave your kids…it could take a week, a lifetime, or even centuries, it really doesn’t matter to me I’m willing to die trying. I’d lay down my life to feel the PEACE…to live in a world where HUMANS learn to LOVE, RESPECT, HONOR, CHERISH…EMBRACE…SUPPORT…I guess what I am searching for right now is a way to make this feeling work in the “real” world.

MAKE??? I cannot force anything to happen…maybe I need to change make into…destroy…obliterate…devastate??? Maybe I could be a catalyst and help others to start destroying false beliefs…how do I show my children that giving up the crap that is holding them down from being HAPPY will lead to creating a life of FANTASY? Am I delusional? Isn’t this what everyone is striving for? I BELIEVE we all need to reprogram who we believe we are, start learning to be honest with ourselves as well as others. If this isn’t it, I don’t want to be here…there has to be one HUMAN that wants to take this ride with me…today I want to update my resume…my new business card will include Catalyst for Change…not perfectly, after all I am only HUMAN and I still have a lot to learn…I’m still striving for perfection myself.

Today I decided to LET GO of another outcome. It’s not easy…I recently heard that life is a bitch! If it was easy, then it would be a slut…I AM GRATEFUL for this sad, uncertain, tearful day. I allowed myself to fall in love and now wondering if it was a wise thing for me to do at this time because every day I still question my own reality. I keep reminding myself, if it’s not him, someone better will show up at the right time. I’m not striving for perfection, just the perfect fit for me…after all this is MY LIFE and it’s all about ME…all I desire today is for someone to be my co pilot…my wing man…my side kick…

We could be heroes, just for one day ~David Bowie


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