I spent 35 years trying to convince one man that if we really tried, we could live a life in eternal bliss…I never really asked him if he wanted to play my game and I spent forever trying to help him heal the damaged parts. I was looking outside of myself and should have spent those years looking inside and taking care of ME…I am NOT a savior of man…I know now that I can only save myself.

How selfish of me…why do I BELIEVE that everyone wants the same thing as me? Why do I believe that everyone wants to be on this voyage of creating a peaceful existence? We are all on our own journey and I guess there are a lot of people that are happy being stuck on a rollercoaster of insecurities and uncertainties…my desire is to change the world and I just assume everyone that touches my soul wants the same. Not everyone “gets” me. Here I am once again ass-u-me ing that a man wanted to be on this ride…I didn’t ask his permission. I just ass-u-me d I found someone that is searching for the same thing maybe its because I’m just tired of being on this journey alone…sometimes I just want to go home…

Dear Kind Doctor J,

Please forgive me for attaching you to my fantasy without your permission. I was praying for someone fun to come into my life and you showed up. You appeard to be a perfect fit, so adorable…someone that feels so peaceful.

I LOVE your smile, I LOVE making you laugh, I LOVE how I feel when you’re next to me, I LOVE that you appreciate the parts of me that I’ve never liked. I LOVE, ADORE and APPRECIATE so many things about you…I even like your weirdness.

You touched my soul and I believe I touched yours. What happened? What was the breakdown in communication? I believe the man of my dreams will want to work on this with me. Maybe communication is what I need to focus on right now…maybe I need to ask for more. Maybe I need to stop focusing on what I can give you and make it about ME…what can you give me?

I regret that I held you in a space I had no business inviting you to. I’m just so eager to come out of this shell and looking for a perfect partner. I’ve never been free enough to just BE and I guess there is a level of fear being on my own. It never felt safe BEing ME and I hid under a cloak of anger and shame of another, I sold my soul to someone I thought could keep me safe…does that even make sense???

I LOVE, TRUST & FORGIVE “too much”, I don’t and have never comprehended how a human can be too much of a good thing…I allowed it to break me and will never put myself in that position again. There is a LOT I don’t comprehend about humans in general, it would be nice to have a partner to help make sense of the confusion I feel from others. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. There will always be a space in my heart for you. I’ll continue holding on to the belief that there is someone a lot like you asking for someone exactly like me to show up in their life.

Sending YOU LOVE,


Today I’m changing my prayer…

Please God send me a good guy, a huMAN that can create his own PEACE, a huMAN that wants to help me create FUN and PLAY. A huMAN that shares and is willing to SUPPORT ME and my desire to make a change in the world…one HUMAN at a time.

Please send me a huMAN that sees ME as an answer to his prayers. A man that treats me like a GODDESS and believes that life with ME could be MAGIC.

Someone that is willing to learn how to effectively communicate and is willing to share this ride with me…this esoteric, uncharted, unscripted fantasy of helping to save the world…I know I must sound CRAZY at times but it feels safe holding on to this dream. PLEASE GOD send someone that will help me to create this fantasy…being on this journey alone is becoming exhausting. There is nothing left in this world to go back to, all that is left is my dream…


I AM SUPPORTED as I ask for help

It’s safe for me to ask for help,

Asking for help is a sign of my strength…





One thought on “OOPS I DID IT AGAIN…

  1. Hang tight, Lila. You are an HSP, don’t loose focus at this point. You have your dream, now you have protection if you want it, so you can go after what you are seeking. You are not crazy, you have an ideal, Mother Teresa had an ideal, she couldn’t clear the slum in her lifetime. But she tried and made a difference

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