SHARING GIFTS

The world we live in is not friendly to the pursuit of minimalism. Its tendencies and relentless advertising campaigns call us to acquire more, better, faster, trendier and newer. The journey of finding simplicity requires consistent inspiration. ~ Otrazhenia

Part of me tells me that I will never be satisfied until I take this journey…to tell you the truth I am having some fear…If I stay here I will be stuck in this vortex.

For a while I was starting to feel like a GODDESS, I don’t know what happened but for the past couple weeks I’m feeling more like a Wounded Warrior…looking for some strength to continue. I’m just realizing how hard it is for me to ask for help…just a Face Book post to a couple groups and I can’t find the words. I’ve never depended on public transportation, never been on a train…will I find safe quiet places and alone time when I get overwhelmed? Will this help me to start trusting my instincts?

There are a lot of times I don’t know what I need, I’m learning…I decided I’m a year older today, I am 18. In a few weeks it will be 38 years since I met the ex, I was 17 years and 50 weeks old at that time. Soon I will be celebrating the anniversary of the death of my soul. I plan on being in another country at that time, someplace I’m hoping I can feel free to be ME. I have a new look, a better attitude and still not resonating with anyone here, I’ve grown away from them all…I feel like a little girl with big dreams… with him back in town, I know he is convincing many people that I am the bitch…he can’t help it, it’s his MO…it’s what narcissist do. I don’t belong here.

I decided that I was coming back to the desert. December is a beautiful time of year here…if I had a trailer to live in, I could go back to White Tank Mountains and be a host for a while. Reality says I’ll be staying with the ex MIL until I make my next move, hopefully I’ll have some more clarity by then.

I heard that Mt Kileua has a flow that could knock out the grid on the Big Island soon…maybe there would be work for me there. Of course I’m searching for a project of my own but I’m not going to do anything if I have to do it ALL alone…sometime, somewhere, I know I will find a business partner, I have at least a million ideas.

One of the gifts I have is that I AM a Scanner…another thing that was “wrong” about me….I have a hard time focusing on one thing, I don’t like doing anything twice, I have a lot of interests, I like to find soutions, I like to think of ideas other people can do…

What other gifts can I give to the world?

Patience, empathy, stillness, seeing the value in others, looking beyond the lies, looking beyond the story…this is just a few. How do I make these gifts work for me in the “real” world?

I need to keep reminding myself that I’m building my new life from the foundation…I need to start putting up the walls soon but nothing feels right, I BELIEVE I’m being led to just play for a while…RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW I really really really need some FUN…even if it’s just for a while…

 

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PERSONAL POWER

When I would go to bed with a woman when I was young, I didn’t realize that there were many of us in the bed at the same time. There was her and I, her parents, my parents, our past lovers and anyone else we had unfinished business with. That’s the thing about being unconscious- we can’t help but bring our unresolved baggage into every relational encounter. Talk about an unwelcome orgy! It’s a busy bed when we are unconscious. A little hard to move around freely with so many projections on the mattress. One of the reasons we do the work to heal our past is so that we can actually create more space for intimacy. With our patterns fallen away, we stand a much better chance of holding love safe. With our projections worked through, we can actually see the beloved with clear eyes. Finally, it’s just the two of us…~ Jeff Brown

After last nights firestorm I woke up with the most incredible feeling. It happens every once in a while, I have no idea what triggers it or where it comes from…every time it happens I get kind of sad that there isn’t anyone to share it with.

Sometimes…a lot of times I get teary eyed when I think of the good men that have been devalued and discounted by the women they loved…for the majority it would have been their first love, their mothers. And of course for women it would have been their fathers. Many of us become so damaged we pull away from experiencing LOVE because of the fear of being rejected again…Why would anyone ask to be born into this mess?

I wish I could have made this easier for my own children…if I would have known. But at that time NO one knew, maybe a few…maybe just a couple whack jobs that struggled to get the message out that there is an easier way. Now it’s becoming more main stream, and I’m GRATEFUL for those that persevered. More people are becoming open to to look at life and relationsips in a different way. HUMANS are realizing the old way doesn’t work and looking for a change. Why live the few years we are on this planet denying ourselves of the LOVE we crave?

I realize at this time I could be a little too intense for anyone…the past couple of years I’ve been pushing myself so hard to ruthlessly resolve that worthless feeling…I’ve had more than my fair share.

It’s actually disturbing to me that at times my level of enjoyment has come down to money…it really isn’t the most important thing in my life right now but I guess it makes the world go round. I just want to get out of here, feel free and learn to live life without the stressors that I’ve felt all my life. I’m learning to absorb the hurt and pain of others and release it…for the past couple years I’ve jokingly told my children I’m going to be a Hummingbird when I grow up…I’m finally realizing there is a level of truth I want to feel in this FANTASY I’ve created…I want to live in this mythical place in my mind.

I’m just this PASSONATE, LOVING, FEELING BEING…with no outlet…the Hummingbird in me just wants to help heal wounded souls…how do I help to facilitate this in the real world?

The hummingbird is a symbol of HOPE; PEACE; LOVE; HAPPINESS; she is adapt at awakening timeless JOY; inspiring humans with the ability of their own possessions that will lead us to our own inner self and keep us from falling deeper into our waking trance.

In this confusing, illogical world the HUMMINGBIRD has the keen ability to tune out rather than tuning in and feed on the drama of those around her…the silence she becomes creates the silence within the illogical world around her and helps her to attain a PEACEFUL alliance with nature. She is considered a symbol of the New World and is on a mission to help others accomplish the impossible, teaching others how to find the miracle of joyful living from their own life circumstances. ~ ME

 

FIRESTORM

There are very few people I allow into my life. So many of them confuse me or are too needy…and right now I feel that my needs would just be a burden to their existence…I don’t know how to ask for help yet I feel like I was put on this planet to serve others???…what is this about??? Where is the BALANCE???

Growing up I was attached to a very damaged mind. My parents brought him into the home before I was born. We were the second family…my 3 older sisters were busy with their own lives, I don’t really remember doing anything with them…I was usually in the way of their fun.

He left the home when he was 17…it was the biggest relief of my life…I’ve been over and over this so many times, I’m tired of hearing about it myself. It feels like I’m digging up that dead animal that was buried in the back yard years ago…it’s decayed, it’s body has been consumed by the earth already all that is left is the memories…it’s spirit is…wherever. Maybe I’m still holding a part of that worthless spirit in me still. How do I bury it once and for all?

For 35 years I was never allowed to talk about it. The ex never allowed me to have a past…it was almost as if I had no existence before him…how fucking sick is that??? F U…go to hell, wherever that is for you…

I saw him today again…why am I back in this town I prayed for years to get out of? Why did he choose to move back after I came here? How do I release this feeing in my soul? TAPPING TAPPING TAPPING…lonliness, shame, anger, fear…, discarded…unloved, unlovable, unwanted…

I’m GRATEFUL tonight that all these feelings are happening at once…it feels like a firestorm…there is a reason for it all…I know there will probably always be some kind of storm to deal with but there has to be a better balance. How many more storms before the CALM, PEACE, FUN, and LAUGHTER overpowers the confusion?

I don’t want to be here. If I could turn back time there is no where, no other time in my life I would want to go back to…all I can do is keep telling myself there is and was a reason for it all. I just want to go home today…where ever that is…there is nothing that feels like home. The only thing I can do is move forward…focus on my FANTASY.

Please forgive me. I’m sorry. Thank you. I LOVE YOU….TAPPING TAPPING TAPPING…

 

I SEE DEAD PEOPLE

The Empath’s soul purpose is to facilitate healing in others. Unfortunately, they usually ignore their own needs in doing so. They have a propensity to feel what’s going on outside of them more so than what’s inside. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates distress in an Empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a conflict, they will strive to resolve the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. Because of these natural tendencies, the unaware Empath often finds themselves staying in a relationship with a toxic personality for too long. Further, Empaths often have a track record of developing codependent behaviors in childhood to deal with the overwhelm of unfairness in the world and to please others, which they usually carry into their adult relationships…until a soul crises happens where they are forced into awakening. ~ Kim Saeed

http://letmereach.com/2014/04/16/narcissists-and-empaths-the-ego-dynamic/

I don’t see the value in staying here anymore. There is no one I want to see, no one to collaborate with…no one to partner with. All the purging, all the studying…all the superficial connections, what is the meaning?

It’s evident from this blog that I’m on a rollercoaster searching for the right energy to come along, just when it starts feeling like things are starting to come together, the emptiness comes back. My heart, my soul tells me something is right there, right out of my range…it’s been there for a long time now and I know there is an action I need to take but what?

From what I’ve learned I need to allow others to come to me…this is a huge relief, I do have a hard time reaching out. I also have a hard time maintaining connections with HUMANS and I’m fine with that. Sometimes I get kind of bored if there is nothing to “fix”, sometimes I actually enjoy seeing things fall apart. I realize it only means it’s time for change…LOL just because I’m an introvert doesn’t mean I don’t crave excitement and adventure sometimes.

One of the retirement dreams the ex and I shared for a short time was to work in disaster areas…I’ve been on a level one trauma accident before, I knew I couldn’t deal with the initial raw confusion so I stayed in the car. He grabbed his medic bag and took charge of the scene. After about 10 minutes it felt safe safe enough to help…it was about a half hour before any formal EMS vehicle showed up and I did my own kind of helping out…like finding a blanket and covering the dead body everyone seemed to gravitate towards…it was actually kind of creepy…I can’t explain it but it was as if the majority of the spectators were fixated on the body rather than the injuries. I don’t know, it was as if everyone was using him as a platform to expose the fear of their own mortality…does that make sense? It was unnerving and felt traumatic…isn’t that where we will all be eventually?

Here is something that confuses me…when someone dies the words you always hear are, “If it’s your time…” so why do we have safety nets and freak out when it happens in real life? If it’s meant to be…why do we fight it? …just a thought…

After about 8 years of dealing with the ex’s physical pain there was another 3 years of suicide ideations, I can’t count how many times I expected to wake up to a dead body…I have a secret…one time I had a half a bottle of Soma…I was waiting for the right time. My plan was to give them to him as ask him to take them all and put us both out of his misery…I was ready to start living.

Maybe I thought that healing his wounds would help me deal with issues I had and I realized it would never happen, my soul was dying from the constant struggle.

I find strength in helping others, watching them heal wounds…for the most part I think I am OK now. I let go of a lot of false beliefs…it wasn’t easy but once I realized it wasn’t about me, once I realized that it was the memes being perpetuated by so many entities…it became easier…there is a lot of power in knowledge.

I BELIEVE I AM HERE RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW to observe and help mortal men release their fears, but first I had to release my own. I put them under a shroud, they are buried now…most of the time anyway, I’m still far from perfection. How can my experience help someone else?

I don’t really see dead people, I just see souls dying around me all the time. I see HUMANS denying themselves of HAPPINESS because they’ve been programed with the lie that they aren’t good enough…to tell you the truth I’m ready to see mass destruction…total annihilation of the powers that be…the ones who have gained control over the human mind causing hate and discontent….my FANTASY feels so much easier than your reality…PROVE ME WRONG OR PLAY ALONG…

I could have left the marriage years before…I guess I take my contracts with others “too” seriously? Consciously I couldn’t break a vow…next time I will do my research before going into any agreement.

THE GAME OF LOVE

There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done

Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung

Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game

It’s easy… ~ All You Need Is Love, The Beatles

Dear Lila #1

…I hope you find your perfect partner, someone who will give you what you need and treat you like the fantastic, wonderful, sexy, beautiful woman you are.

I’ll love you forever

Doctor J

I have no response to this as a matter of fact I wasn’t going to respond at all but for the past couple days it keeps coming back. All that is left is an empty feeling in my heart of why such a KIND, LOVING huMAN would choose to live a life alone rather than trust there is someone a lot like him that would always honor the LOVE he appears to have in his own heart.

Really I am trying to move on from this but for some reason I keep getting pulled back in.

So many unanswered questions…

What is it about LOVE that feels so illusive at times?

Where would I be today…were would WE be today if our paths crossed before the heartbreaks?

If everything happens for a reason, what lessons are we learning from feeling the total devastation, the annihilation of being rejected in past relationships?

WE are ALL born with open LOVING HEARTS, isn’t it the prayer in every HUMAN HEART to FEEL LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY? If this is how we began, why shouldn’t we expect this feeling of LOVE to last a lifetime?

Why don’t we all feel free enough to live life with our hearts wide open as the INNOCENT LOVING BEINGS we were born to be?

I guess I’m just an optimist. I BELIEVE that if two people share a dream, learn how to communicate and are willing to make adjustments to make room for each other when needed, forever is a possibility. According to Bruce H Lipton, PhD, a couple could maintain the Honeymoon Effect throughout their whole lives…We just need to learn how to play the game…

Being able to love someone truly, madly, deeply, crazily and being loved in return is one of the most beautiful gifts and blessings from our creator. If you have it, treasure it. If you don’t, have faith that some day it will for if that love is meant to be yours, it will happen at the right place at the right time with the right person ~ unknown

FRAGMENTS

Why do victims of Narcissistic abuse find such little relief from traditional therapy? Because it doesn’t address the largest underlying factor of what happens in cases of emotional trauma…loss of parts of the soul. In fact, many times a patient is diagnosed with a mental or emotional condition when what’s happened is that parts of their soul have fled in moments of extreme emotional shock. Soul loss is similar to what psychology refers to as “dissociation”.

In indigenous societies, it is largely accepted that when life experiences are traumatic enough, they can result in the fragmenting of our inner spirit, or soul, which is described as ‘soul loss”. It is understood that this loss is temporary, helping the sufferer in dealing with the aftermath of a truly traumatic experience. However, in cases of Narcissistic and emotional abuse, the trauma is ongoing, resulting in serious illness, both psychological and physical. Victims effectually lose some aspects of their personality and life-force, which is why a common complaint is that they don’t know who they are anymore and that they can barely survive day-to-day. It also explains why Narcissistic abuse is often coined “rape of the soul”. ~ Kim Saeed

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I’ve been working on this transmutation for almost 3 years now. Just when I feel like I’ve integrated, feeling like I’ve arrived, something triggers a dark part of my soul. Reality sets in and tells me that I’m still not there yet…and again I AM forced to keep reminding myself how GRATEFUL I AM for the lonliness and the support I’ve been given to just BE and find ME. No expectations, no obligations…and I wish I could give every survivor a place of isolation and introversion…

I’m realizing the fear of taking a leap, making plans, making my own decsions and TRUSTING TRUSTING TRUSTING that is all happening EXACTLY as it should…

There is a nauseous feeling in my gut…what’s coming up are bits and pieces of abstract memories …years of thwarted plans, dreams and desires, the control and manipulation, the shame, the blame…maybe I need to feel GRATEFUL it’s happening all at the same time, get it out of my system once and for all…the reality of what it means to sell your soul and hide behind an over inflated ego just to feel safe is setting in. The frustration of a lifetime feeling that you have so much to offer, so much to share…all your life knowing that life could be so much more rewarding IF…and never knowing what that IF was.

I KNOW there is a reason for it all and more than anything else RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW I want to FEEL the world in general could understand how PASSIONATE HUMANS like me are about changing the world…its not about perfection, its releasing the fears, finding the stillness, finding a balance.

When you can greet your pain with love, fall so deeply into the experience that you lose your sense of self, there is a kind of bliss there in total surrender to pain. When you come out of it you’ll know what to do next to really live – recover and thrive. The pain will tell you.~ Unknown

TAPPING TAPPING TAPPING…TRUSTING TRUSTING TRUSTING… this is all for a reason, this is just a part of the journey…sit back, breathe and embrace the bumpy parts of this ride…I KNOW there is a light at the end…

GOODBYE KITTY

She wasn’t in my life very long…here’s the time thing again…it’s like time and space don’t really matter anymore…does it really matter? I know I was looking for some kind of ground but for some reason I don’t feel the need for it right now…back to Kitty…I found a receipt in the glovebox from when I first got her, it was dated 5/17/14 about 3 months. When I bought her all I could see was an anchor, I felt like having to maintain her would be a financial burden, I was thinkng that when I decided to take the leap I wouldn’t be able to sell her.

Everyone around me thought it was great because having a car would give me freedom…I didn’t see it, a car was something to get me from point A to point B for a while. In my past life, I was expected to take care of everything and everybody…and now I don’t feel like being responsible for anyone or anything but ME….that is a HUGE SHIFT. The table has turned…and sometimes I wonder if it’s a good thing…I’m always looking for a balance.

I went to visit my Mom who is staying with my middle sister, she’s 14 years older than me. Her son was there when I got the call for my car so he went along with me…we ended having to drive back to the burg to get the title and pick up the ex MIL’s car….I had a captive audience…he is one of the people in my family I’ve defined as a Sensitive. It was a good converstation and we agreed on a lot of subjects. I told him about my blog and he laughed at some of the stuff I’ve been writing about…he sees a lot of the same things as I do.

He was born when I was 12 and I spent a lot of time with him for the first few years of his life. There was always something sad in him…I knew what he delt with at home and I was so helpless to do anything that it hurt…everyone else saw the same things and did nothing…maybe it’s easier to just look away and pretend people aren’t cruel if you don’t feel what’s going on.

We grew apart years ago. I BELIEVE selling my Kitty today was PERFECT timing, I think I made a good connection with him…I need to keep TRUSTING TRUSTING TRUSTING that EVERYTHING is happening EXACTLY as it’s supposed to.

I told my sister that I was blogging and she showed some interest in reading it, I told her that a lot of the suff I come up with actually sacres me…she didn’t say anything else. I haven’t seen her in about a year and she told me a couple times how good I looked…I get it all the time and I find it odd that no one is really that curious about the journey I’ve been on…I think it probably scares them that I AM feeling confident and looking better than I’ve have in years… in my entire life. I gave up being angry, if I was them I would be curious.

I think “losing” all your worldly posessions scares a lot of people. I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone but it helped me. What kind of scares me though is that there is a possibility that many people will be forced to let go of stuff whether it be beliefs or worldly posessions…I don’t know this for a fact but just sayin…there is a change going on…a whole lotta changin goin on.

Why is it that we are so resistant to change? What makes HUMANS so comfortable in the fear zone? I KNOW I’m not the only one seeing this…we need to stay focused on who we are and the value in being us. We need to enjoy the toys without allowing them to define us…we need to HOLD ON to the people that LOVE US JUST THE WAY WE ARE. Keep breathing and know that everything will happen EXACTLY as is should….not always an easy thing to do, I’m not perfect at this but I am getting better.

Thanx Kitty, I am SO GRATEFUL that I had you in my life if only for a short time. You served me well and now I’m moving on to something different. Change is always good…