APPROVED

Today is the day!!!

I’m waiting at the airport in Charlotte, taking the big leap I’ve been waiting for the past couple years. I haven’t been too excited…I guess I don’t allow myself to get overly excited over anything…maybe it’s from so many years feeling like I had to settle for less than I thought I deserved. Now I only have myself to answer to. Although there have been many times the past couple of years I wanted someone to make a decision for me, I know it’s been a good thing that everyone has given me the space to make my own decisions and not even suggested what I should be doing.

On the way to the airport my Mom called. She started off by telling me how sorry she was…evidently when we were in Mexico I was having a bad day and she said she felt bad because she didn’t hug or comfort me as I was having a break down. Funny thing is I don’t remember it, but then that is how it has always been with her and my father too. She also told me she was proud of me for doing well in school…I remember giving up trying in school because I was never recognized for anything. How strange that this happened today…just as I decided to be 18 again, maybe these are the things an 18 year old girl needed to hear. My mother telling me this is a HUGE issue, a HUGE deal. Since hanging up my throat has felt constricted, I keep touching my neck expecting to pull my shirt away from my throat. Something has shifted, something has changed…

Yesterday I talked to my ex MIL and she got very emotional as she thanked me for the help I was while I stayed with her. I’m GRATEFUL to know there is something I could pass on to her. I’ve learned a lot these past couple years in my cocoon and hope to keep passing the knowledge on. My desire is to continue seeing positive changes in the people surrounding me…

My grandkids are expecting me to post a video each week…the thought of trying to see England through their eyes is actually exciting. I hope I can keep them entertained.

Today I have so much to be GRATEFUL for. Even at the airport, this is my 3rd trip in the past week and a half and each time I was TSA Approved. I kept my shoes on, no pulling liquids out of my luggage, no searches, no irradiating x rays…what I make up about it is that the universe is APPROVING ME…How does ife get any better than this?

Dear Doctor J,

I appreciate your kind words. All I was looking for was a friend and wasn’t expecting someone like you to show up in my life… I’m only 18 and still need to figure out what I will do when I grow up.

I’m happy we can be friends and right now feel like I will always wish it could be more…You know almost everything about me…even the crazy parts that no one else in my real world knows, there is still so much about you I don’t know.

Love and miss you

Lila

WHAT IF ???

What if I kiss all the spots you taught yourself to hate? What if I placed my hands on them and left them still, long enough for my heat to join yours and you forget there was ever air between our skin? What if I love all you loathe and what if I spend my days dirtying up your brain that they washed? Show you new picture of the same you you started avoiding in the mirror? What if I say all they say is wrong and fill your ears with honest words in a language you stopped practicing? What if I plant new flowers in places that you frown at and teach you the names of them as they bloom? What if I told you to never cut them and let the petals decorate the floor as you twirl through your life? What if you forget you were ever anything other than beautiful? ~ Tyler Knott Gregson

What if I knew who I was 38 years ago? What if I realized who he was before I commited my life to him? I don’t know if it’s healthy for me to even think about this right now but I keep running into programs and information on couples and think about all the time I wasted. Today there is so much information to help couples communicate. If we are to survive, we need to learn how to effectively connect with each other…we need to learn how to balance the yin and yang…the male and female energy that is creation…I see it in my childrens relationships, I see it everywhere I go. This is something that has been a dream from my earliest memories and spending time with my kids the past couple weeks has been a good catalyst for bringing up old wounds and now feeling a little constricted because I’m reminded of how powerless I was for so many years…I need to be a better example for them.

What energy, space and consciousness would it take to find a partner that is as passionate as I AM about creating a life of our dreams?

In two days I will be in London, of course the fantasy would be that the perfect huMAN that totally resonates with my mission, my dream, will suddenly appear…Reality is that I AM going to connect with a lot of women, mostly single, most of them have made massive changes in their own lives and are now teachers and coaches helping others to create their own dreams.

I’ve never had many close female friends so this will be good, there was always a competition that I never understood. I watched my daughter go through the same thing, her friendships with females really didn’t start until after she was married. For so many years I made up so many stories about why…today I’m tired of trying to dissect every part of my life and make sense of it all…

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS…I plan on having FUN the next few weeks…I’m working on a story for my grandkids. I now have videos of each one of them giving me a recommendation, posted them on YouTube and will work on making videos of my trip for them to watch…I’m hoping to create a good story, a fantasy based on the reality of my life. What if I could be the person in their lives that encouraged them to follow their dreams? What if I could be the person in their lives that empowered them to believe in the what if’s? What if I was powerful enough to change a paradigm in my own family?

WAR WOUNDS

From a very young age, human beings seek connections to other people.   We’re not a solitary race. From parents to friends, we spend a huge amount of energy trying to develop meaningful relationships with the people around us. And yet establishing these connections can be very challenging. A quick glance at the number of books published on the topic of relationships will easily convey how difficult it can be to communicate authentically with other people.

This is especially true in our western culture where so many social conventions actively discourage people from being authentic. For example, lying about not liking someone “to be polite” or concealing feelings of anger because it’s “not feminine”. There’s a plethora of reasons why people hide their feelings, which has led us to a very emotionally challenging situation where we want to relate to other people but we can’t because we don’t know how they really feel. Authenticity has been weeded out of us. There’s something profoundly unnatural with this desire to disconnect from our feelings; something that is quietly screaming in agony, as those emotions are suppressed as well. All we’re left with are tenuous social contracts, often based on obligation or self-interest, which push us farther and farther way from each other. The very fabric of our society is getting undone through our inability to connect emotionally to one another. ~Elise Lebeau PhD

Today I’m realizing how much I still need to learn. According to my Daughter her father probably knows that I’m visiting because he keeps texting her, my SIL said he never hears from him but he sent him a message. They are aware of his motives and his MO. It’s not like he is a topic of our conversations, I only hear about him in passing.

This morning she told me she Skyped with him just last week, it was the first time he’s seen her in almost 2 years. Her hair was pulled back and minimal makeup, she said he pulled back and had looked a little frightened at first saying he though she was me at first…she thinks he is afraid to see me. Why am I still allowing him to overpower me? Why do I feel so insignificant? It was easier pretending he didn’t exist being around people that don’t engage with him. How can I heal this empty feeling today?

This morning all I really wanted was to wake up with a warm body next to me…I know there is so much more I need in a relationship. After the last heartbreak, I know it is something I shouldn’t even be thinking about until I figure out how I will sustain my own life. It feels like it could be forever and the clock is ticking, next month I’ll be 56 and I’ve decided I will be 18 again…next time before I even decide to date I need to at least feel some direction and working on generating my own income.

The next time the huMAN will be on a similar path of self discovery and willing to explore how to effectively communicate as a couple…I feel like I’ve spent over half a century ignored, shut down and unable identify my own feelings. I’m tired of hiding, I want to feel free enough to be open and vulnerable, I want the freedom to cry when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and not be ridiculed…old wounds I know. Instinctively I know they are resurfacing only to remind me of the healing I still need to work on…

Love needs an entry point. If our emotional body is all blocked up with unresolved material, there’s no way in. The more we empty the vessel before it comes, the more space love has to flourish. Healing our hearts gives love a place to land ~ Jeff Brown

PRIORITIES

Unlike people who are experiencing empathy, Empaths are unable to differentiate the feelings of others from their own. In their early years, Empath children report experiencing all kinds of emotions, usually negative in nature, that they interpret feel as being their own, even when there are no immediate circumstances that could explain these feelings. For example, they might swing from feeling completely depressed to violently angry with no obvious reason. Even as adults, Empaths often experience years of incomprehensible emotional turmoil before finally considering the impossible: that somehow they can pick up emotions that are not theirs.

This is where the concept of emotional transmission through mirror neurons comes in to fill the gap. If we consider that the trigger for an Empath experience might be a physical event where the magnetic field emitted by someone else’s emotion triggers an Empath’s mirror neurons, it starts to make sense. The Empaths would feel first, and then try to understand what they are feeling. The trigger being both internal and yet caused by external event would likely cause great confusion as to what is happening. It could easily lead to a profound desire to shut it down and remain in denial out of sheer frustration. Indeed, this is the process described by so many Empaths. ~ Elise Lebeau PhD

http://www.eliselebeau.com/a-review-of-the-biological-psychological-and-spiritual-basis-of-the-empath-experience

What am I supposed to do with this knowledge?

Where is the energy directing me?

So many questions…am I really ready for this adventure? I’m realizing how many hours I wasted worrying about what would happen and a lot of time I’m actually starting to feel comfortable with the uncertainty…but not today. I’m really tired and feeling alone.

How many years did I spend being angry, fearful and thinking that my life really didn’t matter? I’m trying to help my kids understand things I’ve discovered and how I’m approaching life now. How I feel like I tried all my life to fit in a world I didn’t comprehend…linear, logical, only seeing the what is…now I’m approaching life a different way, lateral, illogical, searching for the what if’s…trying to figure out what energy is mine and what belongs to others. I know that soon I will be connecting with a couple people that are making it work for them.

Being with my daughter is a little challenging right now. There are certain things I know not to talk about. Events that have happened, the sychronicities and certain things that have transpired out of no where…like magic…her view of magic is something coming from the “dark side”. I know because for many years I believed the same thing. I don’t want to hide anything but I know that too much exposure right now would be detrimental to our relationship.

Like all my kids, she is a lot like me and I know it will take some time for her to get comfortable with this new me, she’s already starting to question and resist a couple things…I know I need to take baby steps with her. I don’t even think I can tell her that I feel like I’m being led to something…even though there is evidence of intentions I’ve set and what has been showing up in my life, it’s all documented in my journal. She doesn’t have an interest in hearing it and that’s OK, I don’t feel comfortable sharing a lot with her until something concrete happens…I’m trying to figure out what is the most important idea to leave her with…

She told met that her father is now trying to rebuild his relationship with her and it is a little unsettling hearing about his life. He goes to movies, explores and travels with his girlfriend…things he would never do with me. The past few months he has been sending money for gifts…something I was never “allowed” to do. This spring he is planning on visiting and taking the kids to an amusement park…he must be making a good income now…it kind of hurts because I tried so hard for so long with him resisting everything I tried to do and then fighting to only get 33.34% of what was promised to me for 35 years if I didn’t work. Now it seems he is financially secure and I’m still trying to find my own way, I felt like such a prisoner for so many years. My SIL said if he wants to buy their love, then they will let him.

I have to keep BELIEVING everything is happening for a reason…I have to keep TRUSTING…the only other option is to give up on life. It feels like a struggle today…my eyes are leaking…feeling weak and wishing there was someone to just hold me for a while…What energy, space and consciousness will it take for me to feel like I belong today?

SETTING INTENTIONS

What if it doesn’t work out? What’s the harm?

$3441.80 USD in the bank, $700 Credit Card (my very own), a $5000 Credit Card (my ex MIL gave me in case of an emergency), $206 USD, 200 British Sterling Pounds, 104pesos, two Canadian dimes…and a half of a trillion dollar bill…this is what I’m traveling with. It’s actually my net worth in the “real” world and I still need to buy travel insurance, not something I really want but it covers medical which is a requirement…I’d rather just get a million dollar life insurance policy, something that would benefit my kids if I left the planet.

I invested $6 and bought some scarfs at a couple resale stores to modify into travel scarfs. If they work out, I can give them as gifts as I travel…and hopefuly find an interest in them. My Daughter and my DIL could make them and generate some income for themselves. I could post people wearing them on YouTube as I’m traveling…IF this is what I’m supposed to do, it will happen…if not, I have a million more ideas…

I told my Son and DIL about my BIG dream and how I could include them, they will need to take some action though. I suggested that they start creating a dream around mine, all I asked them for is to start dreaming together for a half an hour a week. It’s their choice now all I can do is set the intention.

I BELIEVE they both resonated with it as it would be using their natural talents. What happens if I can’t make it happen? At the very least it’s giving them an escape and helping them to start focusing on something else…they talk a lot about moving, but they have no direction on what or where. Kind of like me but I think right now my job is to start throwing out ideas and follow where the energy takes me, I have way too many ideas of what I can do…I’m looking for a partner or partners, whatever it takes. I refuse to try and do anything alone anymore and I refuse to set an anchor just anywhere.

I’m GRATEFUL there was limited internet during my stay. The past few years I’ve spent a lot of time researching EVERYTHING and can get lost in the World Wide Web. There is so much to know, so much to learn but really what is the use if there is no one to share it with? At times it feels like it’s just become an addiction…I need to start focusing on the “real” world…even if that world is my version of hell right now.

From my earliest memories I used to dream as a COUPLE…not for a few weeks now…currently I cannot picture a life with any huMAN on this planet…I need to be around creative people that are actually creating. I want to create PEACEFUL PLACES, I have an idea to make an outdoor resort. I wonder if the frequency of the Earth is the same on fresh lava flows…I wonder where I could find someone or something that could measure it for me. So far I haven’t found anything on the internet.

I bet there would be a good market for a device that anyone could use to measure the Earths frequency. What would be really cool is if you could even use it on “them”…the vampires…the zombies…the narcissist and sociopaths…it could measure their low frequency…a b.s. indicator…you could see the crap before you decide engage, before you plant your roots…before you open your heart, before you set an intention. It would be a visible indication on what to trust…who to trust…if it’s all about energy then we should be able to measure it, shouldn’t we?

What will I call my new venture? REPURPOSE THE EARTH…PLANETARY RECLAMATION…I could waste the day away daydreaming but I need to focus on my trip…am I ready to even do this? I still need to write letters and update my profile on CouchSurfing.org.

I repurposed my first scarf and used it yesterday. I’ve never been a scarf person but I LOVE the purse I made it into, it’s multifunctional…kind of like me. It actually made keeping track of my money and documents easier at the airport. There are so many projects, so much I can do. I’m just searching for ONE HUMAN to build a dream with…someone told me I might find what I’m looking for in Scotland…that’s at least 6 weeks away…

ALTERED STATES

It’s been two years since I’ve seen my son and his family. I got in late the other night, he kept staring at me saying how different I looked, then in the morning I went out with the kids to wait for the bus and a couple neighbors didn’t recognize me at first they thought I was someone younger. Other than my hair being a little longer I haven’t altered anything about my appearance. It must be because I’ve changed inside, I feel like I AM a new HUMAN.

There are changes in my sons’ life also. He spends a lot of time working and it’s hard to talk to him when he comes home, he’s busy with the kids and a couple old men usually show up and have a beer with him, it’s usually their 6th or 10th and he always listens to them for a while, until he gets tired of hearing the same thing over and over…he’ll tell them to leave when he’s had enough. I finally got a chance to talk to him a little about being an Empath, a few things I’ve learned and we discussed the physical pain he feels at times…he’s a lot like me.

My DIL seems a little calmer, she doesn’t say, “I’m sorry” all the time. The last time I was here I kept reminding her that there was no reason to be sorry, she has every right to be on this planet…actually I had forgotten about it, she reminded me and said that she is now telling her friend the same…I think I started a meme with her.

The kids are calmer, especially from my grandson, the first child of my DIL, my son is the only father he knows. When I first came here a couple years ago he was an angry 7 year old yelling, stomping, constantly disrupting and interrupting. I spent a lot of time teaching my kids some things I learned the few months I was “allowed” to work at ChildHelpUSA and they started implementing them. My granddaughter is still trying to be in charge and at 6 years old she wants to be the adult. There is still a level of unrestrained energy but it’s easier to redirect the kids, even the animals feel calmer…

They have disassociated themselves from quite a few people that were instigating drama in their lives and they’re searching for someplace else to move…my intention is to find a few acres for them to live, my son can build earth friendly homes and his wife can rescue animals…it would be a dream come true for both of them…what energy, consciousness and space would it take for it to happen?

Dear Doctor J,

It appears that I have made an impact on this little family, maybe just a small dent, but it is a start. I BELIEVE that seeing how different I look and that I AM actually taking the trip I started planning the last time I was here two years ago will inspire them to make even more changes. So I guess there is a handful of people I’ve influenced after all…it’s only a small step and I know it’s not the world but it is my little world.

Love you always,

Lila #1

It’s so obvious to me the level of depression here, the oil industry has raped the land and polluted the water rendering it unsafe for humans. Years ago Erin Brockovitch tried to help bring awareness but I guess it wasn’t the right time, it cannot go on forever. The unions have dominated, overpowered and enslaved the working class…even if HUMANS see it, they are defenseless. …they are all products of what the system wants them to be…this is not where I belong…it wouldn’t bother me watching it all collapse.

Today I’m kind of….I don’t know, kind of feeling empty. It’s just a strange place to feel so displaced, not feeling a part of a community, not feeling a concrete direction. I’m just stepping into uncertainty…I guess this is the result of giving up on outcomes and I’m feeling a little defeated…maybe I’m looking for major changes…a quantum leap.

Instinctively I understand this has all been my choice because I realize that I needed to know who I AM and learn what energy belongs to me…I’ve set the intention that I will be doing what I came to this planet for only after I find myself, I BELIEVE I AM there…now I’m just surrendering to…to what?

I’m not even sure anymore, I have so many dreams and desires and yet I don’t even know what part of the world I want to be in, let alone where to start. There is so much to do and I’m starting to feel an urgency to figure out where I need to be, what I should be doing. This uncertainty is feeling kind of exhausting and today I’m tired of trying to figure it all out…I need to replace these feelings…CONFIDENT, SUPPORTED, CERTAIN, PROTECTED, TRUSTING…ENERGIZED, STRENGTHENED, EMPOWERED…I see there has been some movement since I was here 2 years ago…believe me it’s nothing major, just baby steps and I guess I’m feeling a little impatient. I’m ready to take a vacation…preferably on a beach with a partner creating dreams…

I BELIEVE there is a reason for it all…

A MYTHICAL LIFE

It is claimed that many indigenous people share a myth about the eagle and the condor. The story says that once all peoples were one, but split into two groups — the people of the eagle in the north, who are scientific, technological, intellectual, and innovative; and the people of the condor in the south, who are intuitive, spiritual, sensual, and deeply connected with the natural world. For the past 500 years, the myth reportedly says, the eagle, with its technological achievements, has dominated the condor.

But now there begins a new pachakuti, a new 500-year period, the fifth of the current cycle. The fourth pachakuti, which began in the 1490s, was a time of turmoil, struggle, and conflict; the fifth will be a time of harmony, coming together, and partnership, and will be the time when the condor will rise, and the eagle and the condor will fly together, wing to wing. ~ Peruvian Folklore

This morning I was listening to an interview with Lissa Rankn, MD, she told the story about the Eagle and the Condor…and it struck me as odd because I first heard about it a couple months ago when I was trying find information on the mythology of the Condor.

Usually I don’t really follow people but I find her story fascinating, giving up her successful fourteen year medical practice after being disolusioned with the system. Shortly after I started this journey, about 3 years ago, I stumbled across a manifesto she wrote, How to Change The World: a guide for inspired visionaries, it’s a 111 page document that I go back to every once in a while because the journey feels like my own life.

Step 4: a visionary may start feeling discouraged. After all, years may have elapsed since The Rupture. It may even be years since The Retreat. She may start to doubt her mission. She may be ready to throw in the towel and go back to how things were when she was complacent in her ordinary life. She may be tempted to get back together with the husband she divorced. Or go back to the soul-sucking job she quit. Or do something – anything – to end the pain of the uncertainty. She’s terrified… but something in her has faith. In her gut, firmly planted right next to her fear, is a deep inner knowing that she’s on the right path, even if she doesn’t know where she’s going.

If you catch a visionary in this phase, she may look like a crazy person. Most likely, she needs a haircut, a massage, a good long bath, and possibly, some really great sex. She’s probably broke, exhausted, and seeming a bit ungrounded. But mind you, this phase is temporary. It’s a means to an end, and it’s absolutely critical. If only she knew then what was about to happen in Step 5…

I know it sounds crazy, estoterical, imaginary and mythical but there isn’t any other way to describe or make sense of what I’ve been dealing with the past few years. There are only a couple people in my life that I can even talk to about this. After “losing” so much there is no other way I can explain how I’ve come to this venture and I’m actually feeling comfortable with it all now.

From now until the end of the month I have 2 stops visiting my kids in the US before I take that leap…I will probably be able to explain some of this journey to my son but will be very careful about how to approach my daughter. They’ve both been calling me the past couple days to let me know how excited everyone is to see me, it’s been a couple years since I’ve seen either of them and their kids.

Sometimes I get teary eyed wondering if this is really my life or am I just delusional believing a myth. Right now I don’t feel like there is much more to write about, no more to say until after I work out a few things with my kids, share a few things I’ve learned with my grandkids, and take that leap across the pond…maybe spending time with my grandkids will give me insight to what other type of videos to work on, after all a big part of this trip, this journey, this mission is for them…