PLAYING HEARTS

Don’t make a person fall for you if you have no intentions of catching them…~Unknown

What if for today I choose happiness? What if my whole life could change today? What would I like my life to be?

I need to keep focusing on the here and now, everything is OK. Everything is working out

What more can I do besides being the best HUMAN I can be? What else is there really? Forming life lasting bonds, committing to one person place or thing…I really don’t feel even close to it and sometimes wonder if this is as good as it gets.

I took a 6 week course on branding. At the time I was trying to come up with a creative idea on how to travel and make money, still hasn’t happened…I told a few people about my idea and they thought it was BRILLIANT…but there wasn’t anyone that knew of anyone that needed what I was offering…of course why would anyone take a risk if they don’t know who I AM?

So far all the courses I’ve taken have been for self improvement…Emotional Freedom Technique, Survivor to Thriver, Conscious Breathing, Personal Branding and have given me some peace…now I’m wondering what course to take next. I was hoping it was the John Gray course but there isn’t anyone…any huMAN, in my world to apply anything I learn to…there is no practical application to the course for me right now…Why do I still believe there is a huMAN that wants the same thing as me? I’ve lost a lot of trust today…

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS…Tap out the hurt, Tap out the betrayed…

I AM RELAXED, SATISFIED, CONTENTED…I AM PROTECTED, SAFE, SECURE…

MUTUAL MASTURBATION

I tell you how wonderful you are you tell me the same. You tell me how beautiful I am and I tell you the same. I stroke you, you stroke me… At what point does it become a mutual masturbation? Is the connection creating a lasting bond or is the union all one way leaving the other wanting more…

Many mornings I wake up in the early hours, trying to remember where I AM. The next two weeks it’s in a 1890’s farm house B&B outside of Worcester I found on helpx.net …I wonder how much longer before life feels “normal” again.

At one time I knew exactly where I was and how the rest of my life was going to be…sort of. The plan was always to have the home. Just keep enduring the crap and eventually…what? What was I waiting for? What is the meaning of it all? My kids are scattered across the US now and it’s getting more challenging to keep a connection going with my grandkids. The grandmother I always saw myself as is nonexistent.

I rarely remember my night dreams anymore, many mornings I wake up and get a glimpse of a scene from it and its gone. The other night I remembered a dream and saw a few people from my past, people I thought were forever friends…sometimes I wonder if I should try to contact some of them and remember that a couple years ago I decided I’m not putting any more effort into relationships…it will be a mutual give and take. So many people I thought would always be there, my support group, they all just kind of disappeared when my life became overwhelming, all those years I felt like a prisoner…

Now for the past 3 years I’ve leaned a lot about myself; HSP, Empath, Scanner…. INFJ…after half a century I feel like I’m starting to know why I’m here and what I should be doing as if I know the design and as of yet the format hasn’t been defined…just ONE is all I’m asking today…give me JUST ONE HUMAN that will help me define JUST ONE idea. I just know that once ONE of my ideas are acknowledged and implemented, the right people will show up and help me with other dreams. What else is a dreamer put on this planet for if not to envision and create? As a woman it is my natural tendency to be a co creator…as an Empath it’s my natural tendency to want to help others, find a balance, and as an INFJ?

A while back I took a class for the Myers Briggs test and the perfect career for an INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging) means that my perfect career would involve creating new ideas and/or approaches to a variety of problems, mostly those that help others to grow and develop. Lets me express myself and see the results of my vision. Lets me implement my ideas for the good of people or the service of others…done in a friendly and tension-free environment and is in harmony with my personal values and beliefs…OK God, Universe, MY TEAM…what is it? I don’t see anything like that in the “real” world…wherever that is.

Right now Hawaii is coming to mind, the partnership I was thinking about doesn’t feel like a fit anymore…it feels more like a mutual what? Pleasure? Adoration? Maybe it’s the wrong place at the wrong time and I’m thinking the connection is probably 38 years too late. I’m still in a position of creating and the other body is in the coasting zone…he’s already lived his life, achieved his goals and realized his dreams…I’m starting to think the connection is nothing more than mutual masturbation…what use is it if there is no shared dream?

As a woman I want to be seen, I recently heard that every girl wants to be the center of the universe when she is seen by her prince. When women are deeply seen they have the magical ability to open to their greatest possibility, their lights are turned up and they bloom into the most beautiful BEing. No matter what our age, we are most satisfied when we are creating with another…

PERFECTION

What is it all this for? I guess the real question is what is the meaning of life? And what are any of us here for?

Sometimes I do tend to overcomplicated life in general but as a conscious BEing I think it should be my right to know…the answer should be right there and if we aren’t here to fulfill the desire in our hearts then what is the purpose?

The other day I went on a long walk with a few young adults, the children of my couch surfing hosts. We talked about a lot of subjects, solved some world problems and talked about commonalities between our countries…one of the things I learned was about the stinging nettle (something not found in the US desert), they showed me the antidote plant which grows close to it, you just rub the leave on the affected area and it stops the sting…I was tempted to challenge it…maybe next time I will.

Thinking back I remember hearing that this is common in the plant kingdom …there is always an antidote in close proximity to a poisonous plant…could life in general be that easy? What if everything on the planet was designed as simple as that?

Many lives are filled with struggle, confusion, unfulfilled dreams and I wonder how many HUMANS lie on their death beds feeling that they’ve completed their mission, fulfilled their desires, created happy memories for the lives they’ve left behind…we live then we die…what else is there?

Maybe the afterlife is too much to worry about right now…I want to be among the living and realize my own dreams, learn to cohabitate with the Earth and all its inhabitants in a union a perfect balance of COOPERATION and RESPECT…and I wonder what if HUMANS started focusing on working with the planet instead of against it. Maybe the antidote for many of us is as close as learning how to take care of ourselves, fueling ourselves with the basic resources of the Earth and fulfilling our own hearts desire by BEing the HUMANS we are expecting others to BE…

What if we always wore rose color glasses when we looked at the people in our lives?

Once I heard there was a study done in the 1920’s; three teachers were each given a group of average fifth grade students. The first teacher was told all the students in their class were exceptional students that scored high on the IQ test. The second teacher was told their class scored average and the third teacher was told the students scored below average and not to expect a lot from the students.

At the end of the year it was determined that the students all performed to the expectations of the teachers…what if we all looked at each other life that first teacher?

Why wouldn’t that work in our own lives? What if we saw the imperfections in our own lives as room for improvement rather than an imperfection? What if we saw the perceived imperfections in others as merely BEing HUMAN…

What would happen if we started thinking the desires in our own life will work instead of trying to reason why they wouldn’t?

…perfection is actually pure fiction…although I don’t claim perfection there are parts of me that are mind-blowing…I bet at least one person in my “real” world would agree…

DESERVING

“I look forward to the day when the only thing that ignites relationship is two souls calling out to one another, two soul-hearts beating in the same direction, a whisper of longing that bridges one essence to another. I want to want you not because it gratifies my ego, not because you are outwardly beautiful, but because your very presence invites my Godself out of hiding.~Jeff Brown

Sometimes I feel like a child when I’m having conversations with God…the Universe…MY TEAM, “Look at me…I was a good girl, as a child I tried to stay out of the way. Although I felt a lot of anger, I tried to just accept that life was just that way and someday someone would recognize my BRILLIANCE. Then I felt you sent me that tormented soul to take care of, it was my job to be the voice of reasoning for him…I felt you entrusted him to me to help heal his soul, and THIS is my reward?”

Is this really a mission or something I’ve made up just to help make sense of it all? This feeling has been in the back of my mind for a long time. Even as a child I felt there was always something at the end if I just kept on enduring, being good, taking the abuse, sit on the sidelines and allowing life just to happen around me and asking for little in return…that voice inside of me has always said, “just keep on going Lila, there is always a rainbow after the storm”…and then what? The rainbow has always fade away and then the feeling of emptiness starts again…maybe I’ve been looking for the wrong thing…maybe I need to start asking for the prize that sits at the end of the rainbow…what does that look like for me? What do I want as a reward? What do I feel I deserve?

Being treated like a Domestic GODDESS does come to mind…

This week I’m going to North Wales to stay at the caravan of the couple I met through couch surfing. I stayed with them at their home in the Midlands for a week and they’ve invited me back to experience another part of the country…most of my time was spent with just her and I’m wondering how their day to day interactions will be and my own comfort level.

When I think of couples that I know, there are very few that I’m comfortable with…actually there are just two couples in my real life I would see as idyllic…not perfect, but they seem to be on the same page in regards to respecting each other even though there are situations in their lives that could cause huge divisions. I realize that I tend to avoid a lot of couples because I hear words and see looks that cause me to feel a little stifled and contracted, it appears that in many situations there is always one holding rank over the other and I wonder what the bond is.

…Back to what do I DESERVE…I DESERVE someone, a partner in my life that sees my needs as equally as I see his, I DESERVE to feel the ROMANCE, BLISS, ADORATION, RESPECT and LOVE that I’ve been willing to give.

I DESERVE to be connected to business partners that see my visions and will connect me with the right people…

In the past it appeared that I was always too early or too late regarding meeting people and trends….I DESERVE to ALWAYS be in the right place at the right time…

I DESERVE to know that my journey recovering from ptsd has a meaning and it will help others to overcome their fears and encourage them to give up false beliefs…

I DESERVE to feel that I AM being heard…what else could a girl want? OK God, Universe…MY TEAM…I’m leaving it up to you…evidently I have no idea how to make any of this happen…

VULNERABLE

People are so fearful about opening themselves up. All you want to do is to be able to connect with other people. When you connect with other people, you connect with something in yoursef. It makes you feel happy. Any yet it’s so scary-it makes people feel vulnerable and unsafe.~Toni Collette

According to my Mircrosoft Word Thesaurus the only other words to use for vulnerable would be: susceptible, weak, defenseless, helpless, exposed, open to, in danger, at risk, in a weak position…this is how I feel today.

But according to Brene Brown, “What makes you vunerable makes you beautiful”…

So why isn’t being vulnerable sitting well with me today? Opening up and revealing my authentic self and exposing my needs has left me feeling little rejected…maybe a little misunderstood, and I wonder how much longer before the life I’ve aways dreamed about will become a reality.

Maybe this is the part of learning to ask for my needs to be met I have to accept, not everyone wants the same thing I do in life and as wonderful as I BELIEVE life can be, I have to accept and honor that others won’t think the same…I need to accept that what I AM searching for will show up when I’m ready…I feel ready now…sometimes this journey feels empty and alone…

Maybe it sounds unreasonable, crazy…maybe it sounds like a pipe dream to many but I have to continue to BELIEVE that my dreams are becoming my reality. If not then why have I survived all the crap? What is this life for? Why am I here? Why are any of us here? Aren’t we all searching for that happily ever after? If the thought of Unconditional LOVE is in the heart of every HUMAN then why does it feel like a struggle to connect with others searching for the same?

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can ony love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which one grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare. – Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.

LOGISTICS

This morning I was looking at craigslist for things I will need when I get back to the “real” world five weeks from now. A car, a job, a place to live…I started feeling a little overwhelmed, and I wonder how I’m going to do it all? Build a new life, find work that feeds my soul…my decision is not to settle for less than I deserve, I’ve been through too much to go back to the mire…the withdrawal and denial of self, the belief that my way is wrong…the belief that the only way to have peace is to retract and act like it doesn’t matter anyway…

This January it will be 3 years since I took a leap of faith, stepped out of my comfort zone and trusted that what I need would show up at the right time. What I needed at that time was a LOT of healing, I was so fractured that I ended up with 3 different online personalities…although both of my stays in Mexico became so lonely at times, they provided the space to think about what I really want from life…now I’m thinking that after 3 years I should be in a different place…I should know something about what I will do to sustain my life, as always the same theme of healing comes up and I struggle with how to make my ideas come to life in the “real” world.

After living over a half a century feeling like I didn’t deserve to have anything my way, I suddenly want it all…I want to surround myself with HUMANS that want to give up fears and false beliefs, HUMANS that are willing to explore the world a different way and start seeing the greatness in each other rather than the flaws…it’s my desire to see happy relationships built on mutual respect and trust.

Of course all my thoughts on what a relationship could be is basically theory for me. I’ve read about it and seen it in videos, there are no hard facts in my life to present to prospective clients, if it isn’t in my own life, how do I show anyone there is an easier way to cohabitate? I know it’s possible, why else would it be in my dreams?

The last time I left Mexico and went back to the US I was totally broke. The last 3 weeks of my stay, in 2 separate incidents, all the money I had was stolen. It wasn’t a lot to most people but it was a lot for me. The money I saved up would have been enough to get a divorce and a good start to take a certified coaching program; only at that time I wasn’t sure what I really wanted to do.

Whether it’s true or not, it helps to create a story about why I “lost” the money; It was because it wasn’t in my greatest good to pursue a career at that time as I wasn’t sure about what I really wanted…now the past few weeks I’ve been going through periods of being on the verge of tears because of the passion I feel around relationships and helping others create partnerships of their dreams…again, how can I do this if I don’t have a working one myself? I don’t even have a prototype of what it would look like…what I have is 35 years with a narcissist  knowing EXACTLY what doesn’t work…and now I know EXACTLY what I’m looking for in a relationship.

What energy, space and consciousness would it take to have a mutually rewarding  partnership of my very own? I guess the first thing would be to find someone who wanted the same…I’m not asking for perfection, I’m searching for a huMAN that wants to create a partnership of their dreams, a life of mutual love, trust and respect …is that too much to ask for?

The key to understanding how to sustain long-term romantic love is to understand it a bit scientifically. Our brains view long-term passionate love as a goal-directed behavior to attain rewards. Rewards can include the reduction of anxiety and stress, feelings of security, a state of calmness, and a union with another. In long-term relationships, when we reference the self, we slowly incorporate our partner into our notion of our self. As we move from early-stage love to long-term love, our bond attachment grows. And when we perform actions that make our partner happy, we enhance and maintain the relationship by working towards our goal of sustaining the rewards aforementioned.

While we might be a way off before having an Idiot’s Guide for Staying Madly in Love, at least we are one step closer. And, hey, just knowing that it’s scientifically possible to stay intensely, madly, passionately in love year after year…after year…is pretty damn promising!~Brain Study Reveals Secrets of Staying Madly in Love, Adoree Durayappah-Harrison, MAPP

DOORMATS

What other shadow aspects of being sensitive might be found in HSPs? Remember, whatever I mention may not be an issue for you at all. These are just possibilities, given how we are. One that comes to mind is giving in too easily. Or being easily defeated. Accepting a position beneath our worth. Being obsequious, submissive, subservient. Weak. Not physically, but socially. We may call our giving in a matter of just being nice or showing our empathy, or we may say we don’t care or it isn’t worth the hassle to get our way, but this feeling inferior keeps us from speaking our mind or being treated fairly. We don’t take up space, so to speak. Our boundaries are whatever the other’s boundaries are–for example, we might habitually talk on the phone until the other person wants to hang up, even if we wanted to end it an hour ago.~Elaine E Aron, PhD

Today I’m relocating. I’ve decided to adopt my current “couch”, I hope my daughter doesn’t get jealous. This morning on her way out she gave me a gift she made…she put a lot of thought into the charms…

There is a strand of Aventurine –aligns conditions so “opportunity” is inevitable. Green Aventurine releases old patterns, habits and disappointments so new growth can take place. It brings optimism and a zest for life, allowing one to move forward with confidence and to embrace change. It enhances one’s creativity and motivation, and encourages perseverance in maneuvering life’s obstacles. It also reinforces one’s decisiveness and amplifies leadership qualities, injecting a sense of humor and openness to the ideas of others.

A strand of Purple amethyst – reputed to control evil thoughts, increase intelligence and render men shrewd in business matters. For travelers it was worn as a protection from treachery and surprise attacks, kept soldiers from harm and gave them victory over their enemies. Like other royal stones it protected its wearer from disease and contagion.

It also has a bell so that I’m noticed and heard, a bird to symbolize my journey and two hearts with the world Love on them…as she left she called me Mum, she will be a forever friend. We have a lot in common.

This past week we spent a lot of time talking about our similarities, hopes, dreams and relationships with others. She’s never heard about HSP and agrees this is her also. We talked a lot about our past relationships, the parallels in how controlled we became and what we are looking for in respects to a future partner that we know is out there somewhere…and here I am again thinking about HIM…

Dear Doctor J,

Remember our first date? The eight-hour lunch? What sticks in my mind the most is when we were sitting at the table under the tree for what seemed like hours…as the sun moved you would move into the shade and made suggestions where I should sit to also be out of the sun…this might sound like a little thing, but I do tend to forget about my own comfort at times and I never remember anyone thinking about my comfort level like that before.

After you left I remember feeling a little empty, you seemed so amazing and thought that maybe I gave you the wrong message, maybe I appeared aloof, uninterested…maybe I over process practically every interaction. Maybe I’m over cautious in who I invite into my life now, maybe I’m afraid of being too intense, maybe I’m afraid of being consumed in someone else that doesn’t think about me….

Sometimes I think that people need a break from my intensity as much as I need a break from them…I know I hold back a lot for fear of becoming overwhelming.

You tell me about your past relationships and I can’t understand…it feels unappreciated and undervalued…so far this is not the man presenting himself to me…have you grown that much after your break ups or is it that you chose women that didn’t see how amazing you are? Of course maybe I’m getting the wrong vibe…these are things I’m still trying to sort out not just with you but life in general, I’m still learning to trust my own intuition.

I keep trying to let go of this because I’m still not sure about ME…there is so much we don’t know about each other, I want to know everything about you and feel that maybe it’s all one-sided at times. Then another part still hasn’t seen the parts of you I would have to “tolerate” and as AMAZING as I BELIEVE I AM, I’m sure there are many parts of me a partner would have to be willing to “tolerate” also…there is such an intense feeling I get when I think about you and I’m not sure what it means or where it’s going…I just feel like we should give it a go and see if there is a possibility…but then I could be wrong, the intensity I feel could be all one way…

I do LOVE, RESPECT and ADMIRE YOU,

Lila #1

When I say I love you it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It’s because I have let you in, which I don’t do often. I love what you are, what you do, how you try, how you inspire…It really has nothing to do with me. It’s because I’ve seen your kindness and strength. I understand with clarity who and what you are and I LOVE what I see.~Tami Roman