PURGE

The past four mornings I’ve woken up not knowing where I was…oh yea, I’m back in the Burg. This morning my thought is that for the past few years it feels like every time I come back here it’s to get rid of something else. A couple of weeks ago, when I was in England, I decided that when I came back I would burn the journals I have been holding on to. At one time I thought they might be good to keep, something for a book; but who wants to read writings full of rage and confusion? They do define where I came from but really what value is that to anyone? I AM so far above those feelings now.

Most of the stories weren’t really mine, many of them were his stories I was forced to listen to over and over again like a broken record for 35 years, his pain, his shame. The stories about others and the words he carelessly used, I used to say they were like arrows being randomly shot into the world and most of them landed in my heart. He could be cruel…one of his favorite sayings was, “I wish they would get run over by a Mac truck and choke on their own blood”…in the end he realized how hurtful his words were to me. It felt like the stronger I was trying to become, he became hell-bent on finding every opportunity to use them, I was exhausted from the constant fight of trying to block the c.r.a.p (chronic, redundant, asswipe, projections) he carelessly proclaimed to the universe. I’ve always known that thoughts become reality but never thought my thoughts or my words mattered, my needs and wants weren’t in the equation of existence, my job was to serve others…and I wonder where that thought originated…it really doesn’t matter anymore, it is what it is and I have moved beyond that thought.

I decided to update my profile on Plenty of Fish…why? Why not? After meeting and falling in love with my Dear Doctor J, I’m kind of leery about trusting anyone. I still think about him A LOT but know our paths are different and not sure if I want to engage in that dance again,  but I still have a desire to have a partnership of my dreams so I started trolling. My search began in Arizona…there was absolutely nothing that intrigued me. I decided to expanded my horizon, I’m working on finding a place on the Big Island so I started looking there…WOW there were a few men my age that used words like conscious, vision, purpose, feeding my soul…maybe this is IT…maybe this is where I belong. I’m not contacting any of them but seeing the profiles and what these men are writing would indicate to me that there are quite a few quality men searching for the same life as me.

What energy, space and consciousness will it take to make this move? OK God, Universe, MY TEAM…all I’m looking for is 3 hots and a flop for a couple of months in a peaceful place while I search for a home. IF it is meant to be, it will happen. Until then I will stay in this Burg, purge more stuff, keep writing letters of interest, think of at least 5 things a day I can be GRATEFUL for while being in a place I prayed for years to get out of and keep reminding myself of the VALUE that I AM; I AM IMPORTANT, I AM NOTEWORTHY, I AM ABUNDANT…I AM LOVE, LOVED AND LOVING… I MATTER; MY LIFE IS SIGNIFICANT…I’ve come a long way from worthless…

HOPE

Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There is nothing they won’t tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they will end the friendship. They live with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings.

They are tortured souls that are not able to live with hatred or being hated. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised by others. However, despite the tragedy of what they have to go through in life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing and the ones that often become activists for the broken-heated, forgotten and the misunderstood. They are angles with broken wings that only fly when loved. ~ Shannon L Alder

When we are transitioning between a wounded child and a teenager the transition is never smooth. The feeling of never good enough is our default setting, there was never a strong foundation. The wounded child never felt support or encouragement and many times felt abandoned. When something goes wrong in the child self world, we feel responsible for it and take it on as our own fault and something needing to be fixed which adds a burden to an already confusing world.

Leaving the child self is supposed to be the start of independence but if it was never supported, it doesn’t feel safe to make that transition into its own values and beliefs. If it wasn’t given the encouragement to become itself, it wasn’t safe to become independent and will become the extension of the authority in their life…rather than become their self they will take on the authority it feels responsible for…

The more I learn the more I understand how I ended up in a 35 year marriage that didn’t serve me. What was the lesson I learned from that experience? Knowing what I do now should have some kind of value. How do I implement this in the “real” world?

I feel like I could leave this planet today but what would I be accomplishing?

Again I am in the Burg for an undetermined amount of time, the place I prayed for years to get out of. I spent today at a couple of stores and saw people I haven’t seen in a while. I got a couple of hugs but they felt pretty vacant, their world is not mine. Today I’ve been reminded about why I choose to live elsewhere.

It’s not the journey that I mind, it’s the isolated feeling and I don’t know how else to connect with anyone that is on this same path as me. Even in the HSP groups I’m in, I feel alone because many are stuck in…I don’t want to judge this but what it feels like to me is that there are many that just want to vent about how their lives suck and have a pity party about how horrible it is to feel so deeply…that’s OK, it’s their journey.

I’m not seeing any of them taking responsibility and searching for answers as to why they are in those situations…I feel like my responses will appear cold and uncaring, I’m feeling selfish now and think others should be willing to try it MY WAY…I guess I’m just looking for ONE HUMAN to join me in looking at things a different way. Of course my life isn’t perfect, unwanted events still show up in my life and each time I work hard not to internalize the hurt and just allow it to flow through me, SURRENDER to the fact I have no control and everything is happening for a reason. For the past, I don’t know, maybe five years my MO has been to ask, “Why?” Why is this happening and how did I create this reality?

Being back in the Burg is reminding me of High School and how unmotivated I was at that time. My joke was that my goal in life was to be on a tropical island growing rope… I gave up trying years before I came here in ’73, then three years later I ended up with the narcissist.

Maybe that island is still part of my goal, only now I’ve matured. Forty one years later, I decided that my goal today is to be on a tropical island growing HOPE…I’ve changed, I’ve changed a lot since I lived here just 5 years ago and wonder why no one is curious about the changes I’ve experienced. My ex MIL keeps telling me how different I AM and how much I’ve grown, last night she told me I look like I’m growing younger…I feel younger. I feel awake, I feel more alive than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I LOVE WHO I AM, I don’t comprehend their world and they don’t comprehend mine…I LOVE being in this REALITY that life is working FOR ME, that there are endless POSSIBILITIES. TRUSTING,TRUSTING, TRUSTING that everything is happening for a reason and being CONFIDENT that my fantasy IS MY REALITY…

HOME

I am not another you. You are not another me. Let’s not throw out our uniqueness with the bathwater. Yes, we are connected. Yes, we are all part of the oneness. Yes, we all experience similar challenges and delights. But we are not the same. Each of us is unique. Each of us has distinct callings and gifts. Each of us is here with a very specific sacred purpose.

The idea that we are ‘All-One’ takes on a whole new meaning when we interact with unity from an individuated and clarified purpose. There is the ocean of essence, and there is the individual droplet of meaning. Every soul has a unique role to play in this dance of sacred imagination….~Jeff Brown

I’m going back to the desert today. After dragging 50 lbs of stuff around I know I’m physically stronger than when I started this journey, the weight feels almost like nothing. The past 8 weeks I’ve moved over a dozen times and it wasn’t until my last two train rides that gentlemen have offered to carry my bags…Dexter was the first, a young man in his early 20’s, he asked me if I needed help getting off the train. I gave him my usual response, “no thank you I’m OK”…by the time we reached a long flight of stairs he asked again, I took him up on his offer  and thanked him profusely for being such a help. Again this morning a man offered to help me on the train…my mind went into the usual response but out of my mouth came, “thank you so much, I would really appreciate it”…sometimes I think that is really all a man wants to hear…

I want to be confident and strong…I’m starting to think I spent a lifetime turning people away by trying to prove I didn’t need anyone or anything. I would be such a burden to appear needy. People are too busy to be bothered with me. I realize that is the message I was given; not overlty, it was my own perception of the world I grew up in. So I took that self imposed challenge and here I AM today…the past few months I’ve heard people say words about me; brave, courageous, daring…if they only knew what I’ve over come to get to this juncture. Yet there is another part of me that feels so feminine and vulnerable and I want to feel free enough to show that weak side of me….maybe not really weak but the feminine that requires support, encouragment, comfort, some kind of relief from this craziness I feel. Today this journey, this world, feels too big and confusing to continue alone.

The past couple of days a topic of conversation has been about when I would be “home”…how does one explain that there is no “home” to go to? How do you explain that you’ve given up everything about who you are and what you know to find a different place to call HOME? That you no longer want to live in the limits of a world you don’t comprehend? You no longer believe in the reality that others are living. You have given up everything, incuding the belief that there is something wrong with you that needs to be fixed, you only need to continue to grow. How do you explain that you have wanted to go home for a very long time, but you don’t know where “home” is? What if your version of home has never been in your range of vision, it’s only been a fantasy? A life where dreams are made of…maybe it’s in Hawaii…

la, la, la, la

Take me home…

Mama I’m coming home~Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros

LITTLE BOXES

My old belief is that I was here to fulfill other people’s reality. I disappeared into their world.

It must have been 5 years ago now that I decided to change and started looking at the possibilities of what life can be…there is one person that I know in my real world that I shared that with and since that time both of us found out about HSP…I wonder if she is willing to share her experience with the world…LOL another introvert I don’t connect with often.

FOCUS, FOCUS FOCUS. I started learning to let go of other people’s reality of what life should be and starting to open up to whatever possibility shows up in my life. I realize that I don’t relate to most people’s reality anymore.

I feel so far from most people’s reality and I’m fine with that because I’ve learned to live as stress free as possible. I would like to say I AM stress free but I’m still learning…I’m learning to become the PLAY I’ve always felt was possible…a fantasy life where LOVE, PEACE & COMPASSION are forever…

After learning that I AM a sponge to the emotions around me I’ve decided that the unwanted emotions are not mine…IF I pick up on others feelings then I have the choice to BELIEVE which ones I want to hold on to. I’ve stopped believing everyone elses reality…now my DESIRE is to pull others into this PEACE I’m working on holding on to.

This is ME living outside the range of normal…I AM GRATEFUL today that there is no one questioning my motives, my beliefs or my feelings. Everyone in my “real” world is just allowing me to BE. Sometimes I feel…NO, most of the time I feel that I should BE at a different place, have a plan, or at least know where I want to live and I realize that these thoughts are self-imposed, I need to change that feeling… I AM GRATEFUL my children don’t mind me living outside of the box, I think they’re amused to have a mother that is now living beyond that range of normal…All their lives I was the stable one, the logical one, the one holding life together, the one supporting everyone, making the sacrifices and trying to make sense of it all…

I’ve stopped looking at what the “real” world has to offer and creating my own reality, I wonder how that will equate into having value in the “real” world. Somewhere inside I just KNOW I was created to be so much more than I was led to believe.

Today I’m traveling by train through the mountains of Scotland to Liverpool, watching the waterfalls cascading down the mountains and dreaming about Hawaii…I’ve always visioned myself taking a shower in the waterfalls…and suddenly I’m feeling overcome with the OMG feelings of being with an intimate partner…this is one thing about being single that I don’t comprehend …what’s the use of feeling pleasure so intensely if there is no huMAN to share it with?  I KNOW there is someone who is seeking the same as me…I’ve stepped out of the little box and climbed into my own…the HUGE one that is fully open at both ends…

Living is easy with eyes closed

Misunderstanding all you see

It’s getting hard to be someone

But it all works out

It doesn’t matter much to me.

Let me take you down

Cause I’m going to Strawberry Fields

Nothing is real

And nothing to get hung about

Strawberry Fields forever ~ the Beatles

FAITH

Faith n. 1. Strong or unshakeable belief in something that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.

Yesterday I heard someone…I forget who, say that every time we have stress in our lives it starts eroding our free will and we will resort to addictions. And I realize that my own free will is to choose to BELIEVE that my thoughts become my reality and that everything is happening for a reason. I choose to BELIEVE that what I need will show up when I’m ready…

I recognize this morning that I’ve been allowing the time thing to cause stress, feeling that my biological clock is ticking, feeling an urgency to start living the life that’s always been in my dreams to become a reality RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. My addiction has been to over process it all and obsess the fact that my deepest desire isn’t even in my range of vision. Maybe I just need to start focusing on what has transpired over the past few years when I started praying that I get out from everything that was holding me down from being happy and TRUST that life is unfolding EXACTLY as it is meant to be.

The past few years I’ve written volumes about what has been transpiring since that time and thinking back it isn’t about having faith or belief at all…it’s a KNOWING that there is an unexplainable force working in my life. Even the unwanted events have had a purpose in this journey, I realize they have all helped me to grow.

There are friendships I started to form and ended them because of the limits they started putting on me, especially when it came to my divorce…sometimes I wonder if I should try to reconnect with them and tell them it basically ended like I said it would…naaw I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. My family knows the story and really that is what this journey is all about. Even the obsession over someone that clearly is unavailable was just a stepping stone to the next level. He showed me that I need to just focus on a huMAN that wants the same thing out of life as me, I needed to be seen at that time and he saw me, I think he appreciated and respected me for as long as he could and I’m over the fact that we can never be just friends.

For years I tried to convince one person that his thoughts would become his reality without even realizing that MY thoughts mattered or that MY life was part of the equation…there is a reason that who I AM was insignificant for over half a century and it’s taken a few years now to build up the strength to realize that the difference in me has the potential to be a POWERFUL FORCE. There are many gifts in being “too” loving, “too” trusting, “too” loyal. There is a POWERFUL GIFT in seeing beyond the stories that people tell themselves…I wonder what will transpire next.

There are many HUMANS out there that are in the same position I AM right now, it can’t be a coincidence…it’s mostly a bunch of introverts who were discounted and unappreciated most of their lives…LOL…INTROVERTS UNITE…and IF I’m wrong? Who gives a shit? No one’s ever valued who I was or what I KNOW before, their loss. I’ve come a long way from worthless.

My next big decision is when to buy my ticket to Hawaii…I got a confirmation from one farm so far, he said the first person that gives flight information will be the one that gets the Mill House “The Mill House is 500 sq ft with a fully equipped kitchen, King size bed, sofa, oak dinning table, four chairs, clothes armoire, clothes washer and dryer (in the main house), outdoor shower, electric, water and WIFI.”…sounds like paradise. If I buy a ticket right now it will cost $313.30…I’ll make the decision on when to leave on Friday…or maybe sooner …I guess I’m looking for another sign…or maybe just a ride to the airport.

THE END

Aging has its benefits with respect to the quest for the right partner. Less time left creates a much more focused lens. Where there was once all kinds of time to delay intimacy, now there is just enough time to give love a shot. Many of us waste many years in the wrong connections. There are things to learn there, to be sure, but too much time is spent clinging to the illusion of security at the expense of our soul’s longing. Aging can help with that. Nothing like a view of the end, to spark our hearts into action~Jeff Brown

And in the end what was it all for?

This morning I came to the realization that I’ve spent my whole life seeing the blinders that other people put on themselves, the limitations and doubts…and I wonder why there was no one to help me see my own.

IF I was created to hear the self-defeating words and actions of others, why was there no one to help me hear mine?  IF I was put here to help others, where is MY helper?

I’m looking for a REAL PARTNER, the polar opposite of the narcissist…someONE FUN to play with…but not a player like the last one you sent. I’m looking for a relationship…a GENUINE PARTNERSHIP, a true give and take, a yin to my yang…a yang to my yin…

Maybe I’m starting to feel a little selfish as I age but I’m tired of helping others, I’m searching for someone to help me see where my blinders are, the parts of my heart I’ve closed, the parts of me that have been hidden for so long…I’m looking for someone to help me to shine..

I just realized today that all the years I prayed to be alone were really about wanting to be out of the pain of others. The past few years I’ve done nothing but heal and realize who I AM. I’ve become intolerant of the limitations others put on not only me but on themselves also. Funny thing is that since I’ve been in the UK, I’ve found that there are others feeling the same. Where do I go from here?

Tomorrow I’ll be in Liverpool, the last of my journey before I leave the country. Next week at this time I’ll be busy planning my next journey. Wondering aimlessly around the world cannot be the end of my story…there has to be a meaning to it all.

What if I kiss all the spots you taught yourself to hate? What if I placed my hands on them and left them still, long enough for my heat to join yours and you forget there was ever air between our skin? What if I love all you loathe and what if I spend my days dirtying up your brain that they washed? Show you a new picture of the same you that you started avoiding in the mirror? What if I say all they say is wrong and fill your ears with honest words in a language you stopped practicing? What if I plant new flowers in places that you frown at and teach you the names of them as they bloom? What if I told you to never cut them and let the petals decorate the floor as you twirl through your life? What if you forget you were ever anything other than beautiful? ~ Tyler Knott Gregson

CHANGE

“your’re so stupid”, “idiot”, “you’re so ugly”, “bitch”, “slut”…whatever…who told us those lies and why did we believe them?

This part of my journey is ending soon and I’m working on the next stage of my life…well sort of, not necessarily what I will be doing but where I’ll be going. Life is feeling a little empty today and I don’t know why…maybe it’s going back to AZ and again facing the place I prayed for years to get out of again, not that I have any ties there but it is my permanent address, I have a bed and a drawer for my clothes. It’s my ex MIL’s house and as GRATEFUL as I AM to have a place to land her life is not mine and the thought of crossing paths with the narcissist or the pedophile right now feels very unsafe for me…maybe I’m not as strong as I thought.

The feeling of disconnected is coming to surface today and I wonder what it’s about.

I’ve been working hard on identifying who I AM and wonder why I’m not feeling any closer to others who only want to see the world as the WONDERMENT, MAGIC, LOVE and JOY it can be…or am I delusional? I guess that until I connect with someone else willing to explore living in this fantasy I BELIEVE is possible it will only be my thought….

Why are the possibilities of a world of peace in my heart if it isn’t achievable? Surely I’m not the only one that feels there has always been more, something bigger, something better, something sustainable for everyone…something FUN…a playmate, that is all I want today, a playmate that sees or at least is willing to see the world thought my eyes and ready to see how life can be right instead of wrong.

I’ve been told I was wrong all my life and if I want to believe in the fantasy of what life can be it’s my prerogative…after all many lives I see would be my version of hell…

I’m not normal, I don’t fit into anything anyone says, I don’t relate to many things of this world anymore…I guess I’m starting to feel like an alien again…what am I on this planet for? Maybe all I want in my life right now is just ONE…one HUMAN…one huMAN that is willing to give up the beliefs of being wrong…ONE huMAN that is willing to go the distance with me and explore the WONDERMENT and MAGIC of what life can be…

OK God, Universe, MY TEAM tell me why I was born this way. Why do I feel so alone in this fantasy today? Why am I the one to see the contrasts? Why do I hear the lies people tell themselves? Why do I see the generational crap being perpetuated? What value is this in the “real” world? Who else is willing to change the belief that they are wrong? Where is MY SUPPORT in BEing the change that I know can change in the world? …or maybe I’m just delusional…