The past four mornings I’ve woken up not knowing where I was…oh yea, I’m back in the Burg. This morning my thought is that for the past few years it feels like every time I come back here it’s to get rid of something else. A couple of weeks ago, when I was in England, I decided that when I came back I would burn the journals I have been holding on to. At one time I thought they might be good to keep, something for a book; but who wants to read writings full of rage and confusion? They do define where I came from but really what value is that to anyone? I AM so far above those feelings now.
Most of the stories weren’t really mine, many of them were his stories I was forced to listen to over and over again like a broken record for 35 years, his pain, his shame. The stories about others and the words he carelessly used, I used to say they were like arrows being randomly shot into the world and most of them landed in my heart. He could be cruel…one of his favorite sayings was, “I wish they would get run over by a Mac truck and choke on their own blood”…in the end he realized how hurtful his words were to me. It felt like the stronger I was trying to become, he became hell-bent on finding every opportunity to use them, I was exhausted from the constant fight of trying to block the c.r.a.p (chronic, redundant, asswipe, projections) he carelessly proclaimed to the universe. I’ve always known that thoughts become reality but never thought my thoughts or my words mattered, my needs and wants weren’t in the equation of existence, my job was to serve others…and I wonder where that thought originated…it really doesn’t matter anymore, it is what it is and I have moved beyond that thought.
I decided to update my profile on Plenty of Fish…why? Why not? After meeting and falling in love with my Dear Doctor J, I’m kind of leery about trusting anyone. I still think about him A LOT but know our paths are different and not sure if I want to engage in that dance again, but I still have a desire to have a partnership of my dreams so I started trolling. My search began in Arizona…there was absolutely nothing that intrigued me. I decided to expanded my horizon, I’m working on finding a place on the Big Island so I started looking there…WOW there were a few men my age that used words like conscious, vision, purpose, feeding my soul…maybe this is IT…maybe this is where I belong. I’m not contacting any of them but seeing the profiles and what these men are writing would indicate to me that there are quite a few quality men searching for the same life as me.
What energy, space and consciousness will it take to make this move? OK God, Universe, MY TEAM…all I’m looking for is 3 hots and a flop for a couple of months in a peaceful place while I search for a home. IF it is meant to be, it will happen. Until then I will stay in this Burg, purge more stuff, keep writing letters of interest, think of at least 5 things a day I can be GRATEFUL for while being in a place I prayed for years to get out of and keep reminding myself of the VALUE that I AM; I AM IMPORTANT, I AM NOTEWORTHY, I AM ABUNDANT…I AM LOVE, LOVED AND LOVING… I MATTER; MY LIFE IS SIGNIFICANT…I’ve come a long way from worthless…