CONTROL

One of the reasons that Empaths and Sensitives are subconsciously drawn to Narcissists is because we come into the world wanting to fix people and things that are broken and/or unjust. We are here to help other people heal. When we enter into a relationship with a Narcissist, we spend copious amounts of time and energy trying to force lessons onto the Narcissist to correct their heart and make them more loving.

What we don’t realize is that they have their own lessons to learn, of which we cannot assist. The fact that they often don’t learn from their mistakes is a lesson in itself. In the meantime, we remain confused and hurt because we cannot comprehend how another human being seems to lack basic human decency. Because of the injustice we encounter during our time with the Narcissist, we often remain in the relationship long after we should have left because we erroneously believe they will one day “get it”.

Narcissists are also here to teach us our own lessons so that we can get to the root of our past hurts in order to remove blockages.   This enables us to better assist people in healing themselves and educates us on how to deal with “dark souls”.~Kim Saeed

I’ve been thinking about how angry I was most of my life because I thought I could do it better…a lot of my anger was at my Mom many times because I didn’t see her words or actions match her life, I never really expressed it, most of my anger was always internalized…is it a curse to always feel the contrasts? Maybe this is part of the issues I’m dealing with and I feel I “should” be someplace else, I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve only been on this journey for a few short years. It takes time to adjust and yes I did allow myself to be distracted for a while…maybe obsessed would be a better description…by my Dear Dr J.

…funny that I was thinking about him earlier, it rarely happens anymore. One of the last letters he wrote was that he felt I would be a perfect partner for him and listed all the qualities he admired, BUT he didn’t think he would be right for me and that I needed to be with…how did he put that? Was it my own kind? I don’t know and I’m not going to try and find the letter but that is how I remembered it. Maybe I do need to be with my own kind…maybe I’ll find a big piece of land on the island and start a colony for sensitive souls…As much as I’d like to think I’m not here to help anyone anymore, I realize it is a natural tendency for me, maybe part of the anxiousness I feel is over wanting to “fix” something.

Why is it so easy for me to bring my inner world into my outerworld?…it really isn’t perfected yet…baby steps. I know if I find the right question to ask myself and ask it frequently enough, I will find the answer. This is one of the ways I’ve learned to change the past few years…for the most part the struggle seems to be boredom, maybe it’s about having something of my own…like a baby to nurture and love…LOL maybe not…it’s more about creating something sustainable and I guess I need to keep reminding myself there is something I’m being led to, I just need to continue to learn and accept that I’m still growing.

It’s not like I’m lacking for something to do around here, I’ve been keeping busy in the garden, learning about the new foods and creating culinary delights like lilikoi butter, I’ve been told that mine was better than the one that was purchased at the market. I tried to keep it as natural as possible using dates as a sweeter but ended up adding some raw sugar in the end. I’ve made chocolate from the cacao beans. If I have enough energy after today I’m going to make some almond joy bites out of it.

The other day I worked almost 7 hours straight reformatting the pineapple hill. I don’t know how long ago someone decided it would be a good idea to put black tarp down and cut out holes to plant them in, they were all literally hanging on by a threads and should be producing by now. I think it was out of my desire to see something completely transformed around here, I ripped out half of the tarp and plants, terraced the hill and replanted over 30 pineapple plants. After my shower, I went to bed and woke up just to eat dinner which consisted of guacamole and corn chips and slept for a total of 12 hours. It’s easier dealing with physical exhaustion rather than being emotionally exhausted.

I think I’ve always felt like my way was right, there just wasn’t anyone significant in my life validating me, now I know I need to validate myself and BELIEVE I AM in control over my reaction to life… life is working FOR me…and I AM working on giving up control, there is another force working towards my greatest good.

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EXISTENCE

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my “AWAKENING”. Next month it will mark 5 years since I was forced to look at my own mortality and realize how I had lived over half a century in self-denial and how worthless I allowed myself to become…it hasn’t been an easy journey. The easy part was “losing” the worldly possessions and the friends falling away…the hardest has been LETTING GO of the ego and realizing there are very few HUMANS that want even explore playing the game my way.

The past few days were excruciating and I have no idea where those feelings came from. My head was foggy, I had a hard time focusing, everyone’s energy seemed to drain me. I wanted to give up and go back to wherever I came from, all I could think about was that there is absolutely no reason for it so it had to be coming from somewhere else and I was feeling a sense of urgency for some kind of drastic change…after 2 days it went away and I’m kind of on track again…

The groups I’m in on Face Book are getting lame. HUMANS post their struggles and where their lives are stuck and I try to interject my ideas about how to overcome the conflicts in their lives but my ideas appear to get lost in the more, how do I say it?… clinical? mainstream?…I don’t know, but when I read the advice others give it feels constricting to me and I try to interject how wonderful our imaginations are at changing thoughts, beliefs and behaviors…I still give some advice but after I got a couple of responses that indicated my life was easy, they saw my Face Book page and all they are seeing are the highlights…they have absolutely no idea where I came from and again I feel like I’m being judged.

I decided to join Experience Project again, it’s been a couple of years and thought by now there would be more HUMANS “coming out” in the groups…”I AM a Lightworker”, “I AM a Sensitive Personality”, “I ve Felt Like an Alien all my life”…still far and few between but I’m kind of enjoying a few new friends that are looking for advice.

Even though there are a lot of trolls searching for cyber sex, there are a lot of young adults and teens on the site that are struggling to find answers. One of my new friends is from India and he had decided to call me his Aunt…maybe it will be more productive to encourage younger people to use their imaginations…isn’t it obvious that the old way isn’t working? And another part of me wonders why I care anymore…maybe it’s the desire to have at least one HUMAN in my life that wants to play this game of life a different way…change is good… I’m still wondering why am I here…I write these little stories, I check my stats, each day a few people from up to 4 countries read my words…little response, rarely a like…and I wonder why I AM I asking WordPress viewers to validate my existence?

bored

Half, if not more, of my life has been fighting boredom, I heard that a lot of creativity comes from boredom. I really don’t mind it, but getting weary of the search for something fulfilling that others would want to join in on…I keep going back to the sign I was born under, “too early”…what was I too early for? Maybe mortal huMAN wasn’t ready to see the MAGIC I AM, my desire today is to consistently be able to hold my own vibration…besides a car and a bathtub and maybe some land of my own I’m content with what I have, for the rest of the year anyway…then who knows where I’ll be.

Life is just an experiment…I’m thinking of creative ways to hold on to my own frequency, sometimes the energy of the collective is draining and RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW I want to just explode, I need to find an outlet…it’s easier to sleep right now. I’m confused and can’t focus on anything, there are too many projects to do here and non of them feel sustainable. I guess I’ll have to work on making my own schedule now that the Master Gardner is out of the country for a few weeks and I’m in charge, I know very little about gardening and there wasn’t much direction from him.

I want to do something on my own, a project…something I KNOW will be passed on to others. The other day I suggested get a calendar and keep a schedule of what needs to be done in the garden daily, weekly, monthly, etc…the response was, ”and when you leave no one else will look at the calendar”…who’s is in charge here?

Yesterday I started clearing out an area by the shower, it’s outside. Just a few minutes each day, I hope it will inspire someone else to plant something or maybe clear an area for some more significant plants…I would stop now but I would like to see more green when I’m showering, right now all I see are dead and dying vines and branches…I’m tired of trying to fix up someone elses messes. It’s time to start fresh…create my own piece of the planet EXACTLY as I WANT. Shouldn’t that be a birthright?

It’s starting to feel like work here, at least the plants are cooperating right now. They are growing, they are thriving and the rocks seem to be staying where I place them…I guess I’m getting something back…I feel kind of sad because of the neglect and for some reason I feel an urgency to see a lot of improvement. There is a lot of talent, cooperation and care in the helpers here but the energy is just a little scattered and even though the owner wants to give the responsibility to others, she doesn’t want to give up control. I’m not sure if I want to continue working here.

This morning I got a message from my Estonian friend I met when I was in Mexico. I haven’t heard from her in months and she suggested I go to the volcano and check out the energy there…is this a sign? I told the coffee/macadamia nut farmer my end of life plan, he said that head first would probably be the quickest way…I’m just really really really tired of trying to find the energy

I’ve been thinking a lot about my kids today and I feel so far removed from them and not sure if we will really connect at a conscious level…I guess I’m feeling a little separation anxiety. I’ll send a message to them and let them know how proud I am of them…they deserved so much more than I was able to give them.

LAB RATS

The past few years I’ve learned to survive with little; little money, little relationships, little energy, and feeling no validation from others…no one could understand this journey. Separating from the narcissist gave me the space to realize the state of self-denial I was in, although the past few years weren’t easy, there were many days spent in bed under the covers in so much emotional pain, I KNEW there was a reason for it all.

Today I still don’t know the reason, or maybe I do but not sure of my position in it all..what I do know is that I have a deeper understanding about what is important in life, the importance of LETTING GO of ego, SURRENDERING to whatever presents itself, KNOWING there is a reason for every “unwanted” event, BELIEVING in myself and not expecting others to be a part of my dreams…today I’m feeling kind of heavy-hearted desiring a huMAN to be a part of a dream…TRUSTING, TRUSTING, TRUSTING it will all come together at the EXACT moment it should…I’m still not perfect, nor will I ever be. All I’m doing is trying to see everything as a lesson, let go of outcomes and live life a different way.

I have a willing participant to my game. He’s on an HSP Face Book group I’m in…

Lila, I am open to all, but worry that I am not good at staying committed or get distracted. If you understand that dynamics, and promise not to get upset, or misunderstand me then I am in. I also go in a space where I tend to hide, or run. So I hope that I can open myself to you, and continue on the path of healing. I have had therapy for a while, and have healed a bit through it, but still a long road to go. My first therapist gave up on me as I hardly followed what she said. But since then I have come a long way. More open to listening, accepting, changing, embracing, etc. Journaling is hard for me, but I will try. I still have not read your blog, so forgive me for that. JM

Hi JM, I appreciate that. It’s just an experiment, life is just an experiment. Like you, I tend to hide a lot so I know the feeling. Only you know what you are comfortable doing or what will work for you. I’ve taken bits and pieces of information from different sources over the past few years so I don’t just follow one person or method.

I only suggested journaling because you seem to be good at writing. I’ll give you one suggestion, write down just one feeling you would like to get rid of and find at least 3 synonyms that would refine the feeling for you and then find 4 antonyms that you would like to replace it with. For me it would have been alone; deserted, isolated, abandoned and then I would start focusing on what I wanted to replace those feelings with. LOVED; CHERISHED, ADORED, APPRECIATED, VALUED

I would go for about a week at a time asking myself questions, “Why do I feel so cherished?”, ”Why do I feel so adored?” etc…this is how I started changing. Let me know if you want to be a part of my experiment and I’ll get back to you later. Lila

Lila, I am in. 🙂 Sounds cool. I would love to be part of the experiment with an open heart. :)I would love to have these words more in my life: LOVED; CHERISHED, ADORED, APPRECIATED, VALUED. I will try to journal. 🙂 Have a wonderful night. Hugs. JM

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, GOD, Universe, MY TEAM…I’m not holding on to an outcome, I don’t feel like it has to happen, all I can do is give a suggestion and see if he is willing to keep playing.

It’s going to be a little challenging connecting because of the 5 hour time difference. The place I’m in right now has no insulation or windows so even going outside to talk when I’m up at 4 am wouldn’t work. We talked briefly on the phone today, I was able to explain the neuropathways in our brains, how all thoughts are running through our brain like highways and every time we change a belief or a word we are creating a new road…this is something I really needed, I need to practice speaking about these things. Is this IT? Is this what I’m supposed to be doing?

My BELIEF is that all I need is ONE, just ONE, HUMAN willing to play this game. I’ve learned to look at life in a different way and I BELIEVE it would help others like me. JM told me that what I AM suggesting was radical, he said that change was hard. My suggestion was that he started asking himself one question every day, when we ask questions are brains will automatically start searching for an answer. The importance is keeping the questions affirmative. We agreed that every morning I will text him the question until he decides it’s time for another…How many ways I can help him to ask the question, “Why is change so easy for me?” I hope he’ll want to continue to play…

DREAMS

This morning I woke up thinking that I needed to start focusing on my visions, my dreams…what I will do to start sustaining my life. Then I read someone’s post on the HSP Face Book group the end of it was,

Who is an important living or dead character, or person in your life, who has influenced your life in some way or form? For me it was my Grandmother, my first caregiver, who pampered me, and spoilt me, despite of having so many grandchildren from her 9 children, I was her favorite. I lost my Grandma when I was in my late 20’s, so I was blessed by her love for a long time. All my sensitivity, love, and respect for others, comes from what I learnt from my Grandma, as a child.~JM

Maybe there are still some memories I need to purge…I always say that I was born in the middle of my parents’ storm. I have no memories of being held or even hugged, there are no memories of help or support in any area. When I was 10 and old man exposed himself to me, my parents were no support. I remember how afraid I was and the pedophile made a joke about it…my parents said nothing. I remember when I started babysitting at 11 and being taken advantage of and my father even defending the parents when I got half of what was agreed on…there has to be a reason that I never felt supported or protected, there has to be a reason I was expected to navigate life on my own.

It was just 3 months ago that my 86 year old mother called me and told me she was sorry for not hugging me and she was proud of me when I was in school…I have no idea where that came from but I reassured her that I know. I’ve always known there was a lot of anger and pain in my family and I was the one assigned to absorb it all. I was the baby, the shy one…I don’t think it was really about being shy, it was more about being in a state of confusion and afraid to say the wrong thing, then when I did speak, no one heard what I had to say.

The summer before last when I spent 5 months alone with my mother in Mexico I was reminded over and over again that she would never hear anything I had to say…it was a good lesson to know I will never receive from her what I thought I should, I don’t even crave it from her anymore…there are many times when all I want out of life is for someone, a huMAN to just hold me and listen to my dreams…

In my former life, before everything was lost in the “fire”, I decided that I was going to be the grandma I never had. I want to be that someone in my grandkids lives, in other people’s lives. Someone to listen and validate feelings, validate talents…someone to help champion dreams and help find ways to make them come true. When I think about it being a grandmother is still a HUGE part of my dream. Building a refuge from the storms, having my own place and creating simple places for others to just BE and reconnect with the EARTH. I AM A HELPER, I feel this is my position in life and now I AM PATIENTLY WAITING to be recognized, I’ve exhausted all my resources and tired of trying to make anything happen anymore…I’m just waiting for the right energy to show up, I KNOW it will.

When I went to the farmers market in Captain Cook last Sunday I met a young couple who told me their story of coming to the Island and helping an elderly couple with their neem farm, the man ended up dying and now they are the stewards of the land and taking care of the widow…I guess there are endless possibilities as to how I could acquire my own piece of paradise.

As I was working in the garden the other day I decided that when I purchase my land I will start with the foot paths; clear the rocks and debris and pad each one with leaves…I would never wear shoes…What’s the use of even having dreams if there is no one to share them with?

BELIEVING MAGIC

Shortly before my “heart” thing; the lightning bolt hitting my heart; my wake up call; …my awakening, the narcissist had his “miracle” surgery and I decided that after 33 ½ years of doing things his way, it was my turn. I was going to take charge. He had no ambition or desire to do anything but watch fox news all day and cops all night and I bet we paid over $200 a month so he could have that privilege. So many stories around the money he wasted, it was a huge issue for me because I was expected to figure out how to pay the bills on “his” income, he didn’t want me to work outside the home and I wasn’t “allowed” to invest in myself…THIS DOES NOT DEFINE ME…

THIS DOES: I was changing…One of the things I decided to do was write words I wanted to feel on my drinking glass. I would IMAGINE that I was ingesting the feelings. They were my SUPER POWERS…HAPPY, JOY, LET GO, PROPERLY ERADICATE, LOVE, BELIEVE…

One evening during my BELIEVE phase, I wrote BELIEVE on my wine glass and went outside to watch the sunset. It was a calm evening in the Arizona desert. I went inside for a minute and heard a loud crash and thought maybe a dust devil went through…as I went outside to assess the damage and there was nothing, no broken glass or wine on the concrete…no wine glass on the table…then I looked at the chair I had been sitting in and there was the glass, upright and just a small splash of wine gone. This was hard to wrap my mind around, it really couldn’t have been a dust devil. At that time we were living in Surprise, a sprawling city outside of Phoenix with multiple houses and every yard enclosed by block walls I don’t think a dust devil would have been able to form in that area. I guess I can make up whatever I want about the story…at that time I started to BELIEVE MAGIC could happen.

Then there was the day I found an appointment card from his cardiologist in the back yard…it was from about 3 years prior. I had no idea where it came from especially since we had only lived in the house for less than a year. We were finally 35 miles away from the town I prayed for years to get out of, my prayers were being answered…

A couple of days before I found the card he was having a weird problem with his eyes, they were puffy and his vision was blurry. I remember telling him that it was probably emotional and asked him what he didn’t want to see. As soon as I showed it to him, he had a shocked look and the tears started streaming down his face, it was the same look he gave me in the ER when the cardiologist said she was taking him to get a scan because his enzyme levels were high. His specialty was teaching emergency cardiology and he was a superhero at saving lives in the field. He had first hand knowledge of the worse case scenarios.

The tests indicated here was nothing wrong with his heart and I’m surprised that visit didn’t enourage him to start reducing his stress. Just like the time his kidneys shut down; he was in the hospital for 3 days before they figured out it was because he wasn’t eating and yet he would still go for days surviving on candy and drinking water…why was I the only one that saw the insanity? Just like his chronic back pain and multiple surgeries, no one else could see that it was self inflicted…I wonder if things would have been different if I would have known I was the empathetic sponge…probably the only outcome would have been that I wouldn’t have stayed so long, maybe I would have felt like I mattered and I deserved to be noticed…I’m sure, no, I AM POSITIVE there was a reason for it all. EVERYTHING is GOOD…

For a full day his eyes teared up and he cried…the next day it was over. The puffiness was gone and his vision was clear… he still didn’t believe me…maybe that was MY defining moment, maybe that is when I decided that I DESERVE  a hell of a lot more than him.

There was a year and a half more of stories (maybe someday someone will want to know). He still didn’t see that MAGIC was happening all around us, he could never see the MAGIC in ME. How did I KNOW that it was an emotional problem? It was only a calculated guess…it’s actually laughable now and I AM GRATEFUL to be out from under his madness. I KNOW that SOON VERY SOON the TRUTH will come out…it has to. Our lives HAVE to BE the polar opposite and right now he is the one that appears to be financially thriving…I AM PATIENTLY WAITING for MY TIME to come…WE can only live a lie for so long…the TRUTH ALWAYS comes out in the end, eventually everything ends…I AM PATIENTLY WAITING for that NEW BEGINNING…I BELIEVE IN MAGIC…

NEW BEGINNINGS

It was after the miracle surgery that left him almost pain free, it was after being a prisoner to his pain for over 10 years that I realized he would never BELIEVE ME…the stories he held on to, the words he kept using, the judgments on others…and once again I saw him start to physically harm himself. No one else saw it or if they did they ignored it…maybe that’s when people started walking away. I’m sure I tried to tell people it was self harm but no one wanted to hear, the whole story was like living in the middle of a train wreck…in slow mo…

Low energy words, thoughts, actions, food…this morning I was trying to figure out where I was 7 years ago…I was almost 50 then. My daughter gifted me a food plan, The 6 Week Body Makeover. It was something I resisted but started it just to support her. A huge part of the plan was eating plant based and protein foods. I thought it was odd how many people resisted the thought of eating whatever you wanted as long as it was green. I started at a size 14 and went to a size 4 in six months. I remember the day I got into a size 6.

Every other week I would take 2 bags of big clothes to the Soroptomist restore and spend $10 USD at the most for a bag of new clothes, I ended up with at least 5 pair of Lucky Jeans that cost me $4 USD each. People just give good stuff away, why should I pay retail? I really think that he saw my not caring about spending a lot of money on “stuff” as a sign that I was cheap, and I could never convince him that there were more important things in this world than to waste his money on “stuff”…

I came home after my size 6 purchase and showed them to him, he didn’t believe I could fit into them. Right there I took off my pants and put on the size 6 Lucky jeans. Think of Bugs Bunny seeing a beautiful woman, his eyes bug out and his mouth is wide open. THAT’S EXACTLY how the narcissist looked, that would have been at least 5 months of hard work…he never even noticed until then. I was never noticed…and I guess that was comfortable for me, it was my “normal”.

During that time I also deconstructed my welding shop and made it into a soap factory while getting up at 3 am every morning and learning everything I could through the world wide web about soap making, designing labels and whatever else I needed to do…I don’t think he was capable of keeping up with my energy once I started gaining confidence in myself. Maybe no one could.

Also no one really cared about what they were putting in or on their bodies even after watching me get healthier…and I just realized it was seven years ago when I started to change…was it a calling? I don’t know, all I do know is that until about 16 months ago those years were full of the hardest battles I’ve fought in my entire life. I guess the climax was when I came back from Mexico, financially wiped out, $4,000 MXN and $300 USD, stolen from me in two unrelated incidents…it would have been the equivalent of around $500 USD but after living off of $500 USD a month for over 2 years prior, it was a lot for me. I laughed about it, life had become a comedy of errors and I realized at that time I had no control I was learning to GIVE UP…and I realized at that time I was BEing led to something…I think it was a good thing for my kids to see that “losing” all my money had no impact on me. I decided to start working on PATIENLY ALLOWING life to happen.

I keep going back to my BELIEVE story, I’ve only told a couple of my kids and I’m gaining the strength to tell my daughter. She doesn’t BELIEVE in MAGIC…I don’t even use the word when I talk to her and her family…kind of sad. I used to be there so I know how she feels, it was the “dark” side and I realize it will take a HUGE show of force to overshadow that belief. Also I realize that I may have to let her go for a while…I have to LOVE them enough to walk away. IF that is what I have to do then I will…this is one of the few things I’m feeling resistant to today…

I did it again…another person stuck in the crap on the HSP group I’m in, I’m gaining the strength to start giving advice:

I can relate to how you are feeling right now, I have recovered from ptsd and spent the past few years basically being homeless and living off of less than $500 a month. Not able to work and spent a lot of time in bed. I was dependent on my kids, a sister and my mom for a place to stay…the first thing I had to do was stop looking outside of myself for validation. Our brains get stuck in a loop of “never good enough” and only seeing the “bad”. Just one small positive thought or word can help reverse that pattern. Support you in believing in yourself