WEIRD

The thought of relocating to Hawaii hasn’t really sank in yet…just four more days. My carry-on is almost full, now I need to work on my backpack and purge the rest…do I need my blow dryer? my flat-iron? a dress? So many decisions…

Yesterday morning I was feeling like everything was crashing in around me. Isn’t it funny how life can be changed in an instant? Those instant moments are the moments I wait for, I KNOW that if I keep holding on, if I keep BELIEVING, my inner world is becoming my outer world.

I was told that one of the places I’m going to has “weird” energy…what is weird to one may be CRAZY to another…I do claim CRAZY…I’m accepting that I AM exactly where I need to be and that whatever happens is only for my greatest good. If it’s too weird at least I have an easy out, it’s all about the journey, besides that I need some good stories to tell…

Today I just want to BE someplace and feel free enough to just DANCE, a partner to dance with would even be better, I AM CRAVING someone to laugh with me about the absurdities I feel and see all around me…life is just a game and who are the pawns?

I had a daydream today…I barely remember my night dreams but my daydreams can become a real pleasure at times. I think the little girl inside needs to have a playmate…many playmates for a while…she has some HUGE, ideas and dreams and for some reason she is BELIEVING that at least one of them will become her reality soon. With each vision in my dream my heart would flutter…EVEN NOW thinking about the dream has my heart skipping…there was also a lot of fear associated with the dream…why am I so afraid to step into the picture I’ve been working so hard to create?

IF these dreams aren’t in anyone elses range of vision then what am I here for? During my vision I imagined a breast-plate of some sort…some kind of buffer to help protect my heart…it could be made out of something light like a spider web, I heard that its stronger than kevlar…maybe I could learn to spin spider webs and create my own shield…if I made it out of metal I’d need help holding it up and I don’t see anyone helping me anymore…I’m learning how to be strong on my own, I’m learning how to protect my own heart.

I’ve felt like I’ve been stuck in weird all my life…how much weirder than living over half a century feeling trapped on a planet you don’t comprehend? How much weirder can life get after being told you were wrong for over half a century? How much weirder could it be than feeling unheard, unnoticed, discarded, and worthless?

I’m learning to live by my own rhythm…staying connected to the earth and the cycles of the moon.

I’m a vertical looking for a horizontal…a yin to my yang, a yang to my yin…

Friends fell away as I individuated on my soul’s journey. As I shed one self-sense, I no longer identified with the people attached to it. Old ways of interacting seemed artificial, scripted, silly. Whereas before it was fine to hang out and waste time, now there’s no time to lose. Now I had to protect my sacred purpose from connections that undermined it.

Be prepared for the lonely times on the journey. It can be very isolating to quest for true-path amid the trumpet of modern life. Walking through uncharted territory often means walking alone. This is particularly true in the transition stages before we find our consciousness soulpod. It’s like primary school all over again. Who will be my first REAL friends?~Jeff Brown

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