EXPERIENCE

I think it’s important for all of us Men/Women. So continue the search (narcisstic/EMPATH relationships). It will help all of us. As an HSP I fee I am a target of all the bad and mean people in the world. I can’t see things coming at me when I am interacting with the world. As I always look for the good, and always assume that the other person will be as nice as or better than me. So anyone who is an expert manipulator of emotions can easily get to me~Jujja Mujja

I shared an article from Psychology Today on my Face Book wall, 5 Strengths of Highly Sensitive People. Every time I find some scientific, fact based evidence of HSPs I post it and rarely get more than one like. This post generated one like from a friend in Sweden, don’t know how we became friends or anything about her. And got a response from a man I met right before I met Dear Dr J:

Ron: One other trait of HSP is the uncanny ability to read through conversational crap to the true intention of others. Can be embarrassing at times and frustrating keeping silent.

ME: LOL Ron, I agree, a lot of times it’s a struggle to be quiet ;).

Ron: That makes us sound conceited you know. But then again insight is a gift.

ME: I know Ron, but my past history and current situation indicates that I don’t know everything so I keep my opinions to myself…most of the time 😉

It’s just been recently that we are communicating through Face Book. We went to lunch one day, it lasted 5 hours. He seemed to be Sensitive but said it wasn’t him. Recently I told him about HSS/HSPs and shared a link to the test after this conversation on my Face Book wall, I guess he’s decided he is. http://hsperson.com/test/high-sensation-seeking-test/…

A couple days after our lunch I met Dear Dr J in person, we had been communicating for couple weeks by then, our lunch lasted 8 hours…I really liked both men but Ron’s life felt so intense especially with kids at home. After a couple times of trying to have a phone conversation with him it felt like too much work, I took the path of least resistance and ended up falling in love…I AM over it now and just waiting for someone a lot like him to show up. I know he’s out there. The next time I will be sure we have the same dreams before I even consider dating. How can I be sure that the huMAN isn’t another narcissist?

Today I feel like I need to wake up to the reality of what this world really is, I’ve been holding on to this dream for too long….tears…do I feel tears coming? It’s been so long since that’s happened…please don’t put me in that box again…I’ve been losing track of time and space…money means nothing to me and I have no attachments to any of the “stuff”…well maybe my computer and the internet and the past few years I’ve learned to live without them for periods of time. I could live without them if I had to but what’s the use if this feels like my only connection to others like me right now?

It’s so much easier to keep the connections going when you have time to write out your thoughts rather than use your words…this is what I really need practice at and now going to the coffee/mac nut farm will be more isolation, especially in the afternoon, all my contacts are 3-8 hours ahead of me. Kula Mana…maybe if I start saying the words it will start feeling real to me. Why was I resisting saying the name? I told my Soul Sister the words feels so childlike…”I’m living in, ho now now”…what is it that I’ve always feared about BEing A CHILD, BEing so vulnerable?

Maybe I need to surround myself with HUMANS that will help me overcome the words, they have to sound perfect. The majority of my life has been avoiding being noticed and when I did I felt depleted. It was always so much easier to disengage…I’m starting to feel more comfortable with being seen. Time to work on BEing HEARD…maybe I need to work on saying the words I feel are so primary, it does feel like baby talk at times…how sad that I AM afraid of sounding childish and have a fear of not pronouncing words right. I guess this is the result of growing up with a mentally challenged person and afraid to sound undeveloped and small, maybe that is something else I need to explore.

I’m seriously thinking about updating my Plenty of Fish profile:

Searching for a highly intelligent man to play with. Someone that likes to watch sunsets or sunrise over the Pacific. Likes to forage, cook and enjoys experiencing new foods…A huMAN that wants to give back to the world… it’s a start.

I guess what I’m looking for is to feel MY MAGIC will have some influence in someone else’s life, I’ve lived vicariously through another persons view of the world for too many years…I guess I’m searching for a partner that wants to see the world through my eyes…at least half the time. I guess I’m looking for someone that will support me to see the unwanted events in life in a different way. I guess I’m looking for someone that doesn’t plan on retiring I guess I won’t know exactly what I do want, I guess it just depends on how I feel and if I feel there is an equal exchange of energy…what I call the 80/20 exchange…each person will give 80 percent…and only expect 20.

Tomorrow I’m experiencing another world, it’s only 2 miles away…I may come back here in 6-8 weeks, my room may be available again by then and the master baiter will be gone. I just found out Billy Pepper will be in charge. I feel a lot of good coming from this retreat, I hope it stays that way.

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FLOW

Let’s give the masculine some real credit, particularly those armored men who are attempting to bust through his armor and feels into his heart down below, that is a huge step forward for his consciousness and that of the collective. He has been conditioned to maintain a certain role on this planet and opening his heart is remarkable courageous. Many armored men are attempting this transition to modern life. When they do, may we all understand how profound that is, and support them fully. Vigilance and vulnerability makes confusing bedfellows. Any man who is attempting to move from his receptivity is shattering long embedded paradigms. Deep bows to the tenderling warriors. ~ Jeff Brown

Two more days I’m moving, another change, another experience, another transition. Change is always good…I think I’m ready for some kind of stability in my life now. I AM READY to feel a constant flow, to feel engaged in a project that is sustainable for me, to feel a constant connection to someplace…I guess it’s the feeling of HOME.

For the most part I AM comfortable here, if it wasn’t for the constant resistance and sexualization from the master baiter it would be close to perfection. Life is feeling constricted and I think I need to move on. Although I’m enjoying being around young people, sharing my kitchen creations and my stories of magic with some of them it isn’t sustainable. I hope they’ve learned some valuable skills they can pass on. Sorry I won’t be around when the cacao is ready but at least I was able to teach someone the process. I’ll only be a couple miles away, hopefully the farmer will agree to trade avocados for fresh, organic green veg.

Lethargic; apathetic; weary…it’s been going on for days and I’m feeling so wiped out, maybe it’s the uncertainty of where I’m going next. I’d find great comfort feeling I’m being led to something…even if it’s a little dream…something that will fuel my soul.

I realize how ironic it was that my only option a couple of years ago was to spend 5 months in Mexico alone with my Mother. I knew there was something I needed to heal between us. I still haven’t figured out what it was but the constant resistance to anything I said, discounting my feelings, and expecting me to fix everything for her reminded me of my marriage. Even today a simple text asking what time she arrives in Phoenix…I still don’t know…will she ever hear what I say? Do I actually attract HUMANS who are that unaware in my life? Why has there always been a feeling of resistance? Ok GOD, the Universe, MY TEAM let’s get this thing going…it’s time for CHANGE this time I AM asking FOR ME.

The only thing I really have to hold on to is my belief that I’m being led to something beyond my wildest dreams. Once I started learning to accept that, life really did start to change. Where is that FEELING of HOPE? There is still some resistance on my part, I’m learning to go with the FLOW and ACCEPT whatever changes happen SURRENDER to an outcome and know it’s all for my greatest good. Today it feels more like I’m enduring life…

I AM LIVING LIFE. All MY talents, gifts and knowledge are being use to their full potential. There is a free flow of energy and it’s all working FOR ME…

So many dreams, so many desires…I feel most of my life has been resisted by everyone around me and I’m ready to explode. Maybe all I need today is a few indicators pointing to what I need to pursue next…

Looking for the sky to save me

Looking for a sign of life

Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I’m looking for a complication

Looking ‘cause I’m tired of trying

Make my way back home when I learn to fly~Foo Fighters

ADDICTION

Nothing is more intoxicating than new love. But this “high” ineveitably transforms into something deeper and more comfortable. Maturing love also has the effect of exposing one’s wounds. With love addiction, the person unconsciously avoids these hot spots by running at the first sign of activation. Rather than burn through one’s “issues,” the love addict flees, replacing his or her object of affection with someone new. Projecting one’s source into another becomes an habitual substitute for feeling the high of one’s own spirit moving through the body. Love addiction can also be present in a long-term relationship. In this case, the intensity of new love is generated by a destructive cycle of “break-up to make-up.” The only way to transform the habit of chasing one’s projected spirit is to sit on the craving when it comes up rather than act it out. For example, by refusing to pursue someone new or initiate a fight with an existing partner, the behavior pattern is burned off and the real high of spiritual energy can be enjoyed in the context of a healthy relationship. ~Portals of Peace, Kimberly Kingsley

I was really worried that maybe I had a love addiction but after reading this it doesn’t fit. Why am I thinking about romance again? Maybe it’s the companionship, always having a date when you want to go have fun, explore, cook a meal, a coauthor to your story…the list could go on forever. I guess I’m feeling kind of needy, there is so much about the world I don’t comprehend. At my age one would think I’d have this all figured out already…maybe I need to change that thought…I fully understand and embrace this peaceful world…

I AM fully prepared and ready to live the life I came here for, to BE what I was sent here to BE…what? What was I sent to this planet for? Is this new thought of being a portal of PEACE what I need to focus on? It feels like a destiny but it feels so far away. How do I find the strength to hold my own vibration when I’m feeling the drain of the world? Where is my fuel, where is the driving force to continue this journey? The laughter, the silliness…I just want to feel safe enough to BE a child.

I figured out what’s wrong with my energy level…I’m coming down from my addiction to corn chips. I recently read that craving crunchy foods isn’t really about the taste but it’s the crunch, “with every crunch it’s a subtle cry of “hey look at me!” and there may be a variety of reasons behind needing attention. Maybe there’s something they are trying to say but can’t….Crunchy foods give you the fake center stage. ~Deanna M Minich, PhD, CN

The GMO corn has disrupted the patterns in my brain and now the neuropathways are starting to pave new roads. Maybe I need to keep reconnecting with the earth and find my own vibration, I need to work on forgetting about the world to make the needed change I KNOW it can be a smooth transition, something easier than birth…this next phase of life has to be easier, it’s expansion.

Thank you for being here…I appreciate the confusion today, I appreciate the inadequate feeling, I appreciate the feeling that I’m constantly missing something, I appreciate watching the sunsets alone, I appreciate not feeling my true value in this word I don’t comprehend…

The energy up in the Hale feels so much more peaceful now than the garden…is the feeling just my perception of the story I attached to “his” territory or is there a measurable difference in the frequency there? Frequency is movement, there has to be some way to measure it. How do I determine what is mine and what belongs to someone else?

There has to be something besides a human to do this task, we are so imperfect…at one point I though I found a huMAN that could help me find a device to measure the frequency, I guess he wasn’t as intelligent as I though he was. Is there anyone out there that has the same frequency as mine? Maybe the craving is about feeding the addiction of a lifelong search to find a partner I resonate with…I wonder what would have happened if I came across that huMAN during my marriage. Would I have broken my vow? It’s been over half a century, maybe holding a constant vibration of LOVE is just a pipedream…I AM addicted to LOVE…I AM searching for a fix.

FREEDOM

HSPs are compassionate and empathetic by nature. We feel other people’s pain instinctively and want to help. In addition, narcissists are experts at manipulation and control, so they will use your big heart for their own ends. HSPs can feel such intense love and compassion for people that we believe our love can heal others. And often other people are so amazed and relieved by receiving this much love and understanding, they respond with enormous gratitude and often flattery. Sensitive people respond to this praise by feeling good about ourselves and feeling needed and we give more. But as this pattern continues, we end up giving until we’ve got nothing left and getting nothing in return, under the mistaken belief that if we just give a little more, it will be enough. But it’s never enough because the narcissist is an empty vessel, a bottomless pit of need.

What’s important to remember is that it’s not your love they need. It’s their own. ~ Deborah Ward http://18mitzvot.com/2014/06/23/reasons-empaths-attract-narcissists-by-deborah-ward/

Is this where my focus should be for a while? An HSP/narcissist relationship? I want to forget the behaviors, move on, but I guess if I’m still being charged with it and allowing it to disrupt my system, there is something I still need to release. How do I disconnect from that field?

Working in the garden now is triggering me, what was once a BEAUTIFUL, PEACEFUL EXPERIENCE is now a place I’ve been before, walking on eggshells, what will I do or say if I’m approached? I used to wonder how to make it better, that’s one thing I’m over. I have no desire to help the situation, let the pieces fall where they may. MY reality is that I AM leaving in another 4 days. My heart feels attached to the dreams I had of what could be… NOT MY MONKEY, NOT MY CIRCUS.

I’m searching for answers, looking for signs, synchronicities and energy anywhere I can with no avail…I even went to my spam folder…there were a few messages from someone named Paul, not the one I knew way back when but now after seeing his name, he’s on my mind again and wonder what made him so special? Why did his energy feel so peaceful and accepting? Why isn’t there someone like him in my life right now? And another part of me is still questioning if maybe he’s also a narcissist and left before he showed his true colors…Will I ever be able to trust someone completely again?

I’m trying to hold on to a dream…The hammocks in the clearing, the swings hanging from the trees…laughter, compassion…romance…

The weight of this day is heavy, and there is a lot of pressure in my head…if I knew anything about music maybe I could describe the ringing in my ears, the tone and the frequency. I wonder if there is a device that would help me identify what it is.

Today I think I’m missing the feeling of being free…but when was I ever free enough to BE? How can I be missing something I’ve never felt?

Why does it FEEL so FREE to just BE ME? Why is it so easy to feel only the energy of LOVE COMING TO ME in EVERY aspect of MY LIFE?

NEEDING A FIX

Woke up this morning with no ambition, I could have gotten up at 3:30, instead laid in bed wondering why my wish didn’t happen, why didn’t I have a dream to remember? As I held myself close with the blankets wrapped around me thinking about the coming day, wondering if I was going to allow him to invade my space again I fell back asleep and got up at 5 feeling uninspired, nothing to write about, nothing to sort out. As I was making my coffee it came to me.

I did dream, I did…

I don’t remember if it was last night or early this morning but it did come to me… I was in a big house practically everyone in my family of origin was there including their spouses. I went from one room to another and found myself standing next to the pedophile and resisting the feeling that I had to hug him, I’m just TOO polite. He made some kind of comment about my breasts…I don’t remember my response but remember the disapproving looks I got from everyone in the room…why was I again feeling shame for his sexual projections on ME?

I ended up deciding to get out of there by making an excuse to run to the store. Next scene I was somewhere else, in a room with someone I didn’t know…my computer was open and there was something that my alter ego, Lindsey Blair, had been viewing. Something mystical, magical, something I would have rejected just a few short years ago. I was trying to get out of that page because my daughter was there and I was trying to hide it from her. I know her beliefs, I was there before, she would see it as going to the “dark” side…

Do I have to keep reliving these unwanted events? Shouldn’t there come a time when I feel justified in my actions? Why do I feel like I’m being judged for cutting people out of my field? Why do I feel wrong for cutting people like him completely out of my life? Why do I feel wrong for believing there is a better way?

I decided that this part of my life will be filled with people who actually valued ME, MY GIFTS, MY TALENTS, WHO I AM as a WOMAN and those willing to HEAR ME…PLAY MY WAY OR GO AWAY!!!

Feelings of unsupported are showing up and I’m remembering the few times in my life I felt strong enough to stand up for myself. The feelings of being shot down and expected to take it like a woman.

This morning I’m feeling as confused as the wild roosters here on the island that start singing their songs hours before the sun comes up…

What energy, space and consciousness will it take to feel the constant creative flow I crave? What energy, space and consciousness will it take to start something that feels sustainable? What energy, space and consciousness will it take for my life to be positive proof for my children to see that changing thoughts, changing beliefs, letting go of the past, walking away from everything that doesn’t serve you will indeed lead you to a life of your dreams?

Why is it so easy for me to see BLESSINGS everywhere today?

TIME TRAVEL

Then, there is this predetermined perception of others. Who do you think developed that INTO you? Through your eyes and ears, humans install recipes like a list of instruction into others to avoid them ourselves. Maybe its education, indoctrination, enlightenment, encouragement, or just the most innocent method…Care. ~ Will http://opurewilliam.tumblr.com/

I BELIEVE WE ALL set out with good intentions in life but something gets in the way. Last night I asked whoever was listening to give me a night dream I could remember, something that would help me figure out what brought me to this juncture in life. Sometimes I think I don’t dream but during the day I get glimpses or feelings associated with the night…I KNOW there is a message there.

This morning I woke up with the memories of the night. I was transported to another time and place… Messy house full of useless “stuff” and debris. Brad came to visit and gave me some stuff, a table that had to be put together…some kind of bag with assorted items, the only thing I remember being in it was old pictures of his paternal grandfather, Claude, and a billfold with all kinds of money in it. I felt stressed earlier thinking that this meant I was supposed figure out how to heal his generational wounds…after all my kids have that same DNA. The past few hours I’ve been wondering what was the significance and I came to the realization that like his mother, he was seeking something from me I wasn’t able to give him as much as I was seeking something from him that he was’t able to give me.

A counselor once said that we were good at arguing…arguments usually ended with him stating, “you’re right, you’re right, you’re right”…LOL I’m sure my ability to see life from so many depths drove him insane, he is only a narcissist and has limited vision…is it nature or nurture? Maybe the anthology I want to put together should be about narcissistic/Empathic relationships after all I do have 35 years experience…maybe I should ask him if he wants to contribute. I don’t know if he has even accepted that he identifies with being a narcissist but being married to a therapist now you would think the issue had come up at one point during their courtship.

Love is the spice of life…if this is true then there should be a scent for it, a color, a temperature, a texture, a taste…

“Fuck off”…the other night one of my 20 something coworkers said that to me after he asked my age. He thought I was in my mid 40’s. Then last night another asked me the same, her reply to me was, “Wow really? I though you were younger”. I just thanked her. I decided that I wasn’t going to ask her opinion. I AM IMAGINING I LOOK 35…What energy, space and consciousness would it take to look that way again while living on the island?…I used to look so worn out and felt so old.

I see myself now traveling back to the places I’ve been, connecting with everyone from Mexico, US, UK…this time with a little more than dreams to share…I will be the epitome of what changing beliefs, changing diet, changing words will do…maybe having so much time alone at the coffee/mac nut farm will give me 6-8 weeks of working on my body, maybe I will have more time to focus on taking care of me. Then I’ll travel for a while and show everyone how far I’ve evolved after giving up false beliefs…what else? What else have I been able to transform in my life these past few years? Right now besides coming back to the Dragonfly, traveling is the only option I see at this time and as long as the master baiter is still here I won’t be.

Over analyzing where I’ve been and analyzing the changes I AM going through is becoming weary and I wonder when I will have my own life figured out, it’s so easy seeing it in others. I guess this is why I was forced to feel so left out of the “real” world the past few years. Maybe God, the Universe, MY TEAM have put me in this state of flux to force me to think about ME and work at releasing my own faulty files…

I had to share my position with the master baiter to a couple of my coworkers today. I just told them that he has triggered some things I can’t deal with right now and that I’m trying to hold my own vibration,. If he can’t honor that then I may have to walk away from the garden as he has been down there for over an hour today….I don’t have the strength to deal with it, all I can do right now is shield it. Right now that shield feels like lead and I feel weak. Where is my fuel?

I was brave and went to the garden only to find that the potato tower Phoenix and I put together yesterday was torn down and replanted somewhere else…I feel this is the final fuck you to any of my efforts, he knows it all. It makes so much more sense to over plant greens rather than roots that have a longer shelf life…Game Over…I’ll be gone in 5 more days… migrating again.

What energy, space and consciousness will it take to propel me into March…what day?

March 26th, 1977 that is the day I sold my soul. I didn’t marry myself on January 17th like I thought I would, the energy wasn’t there, I guess there was still something I needed to learn. Maybe I’ll reclaim my soul and the ceremony will be on March 26th…I literally don’t know where in the world I’ll be by then…but then does anyone really know?

disgusted, dishonored, distressed

Is this the block? Why am I allowing the image of the master baiter invade my space? Maybe it’s the insecure feeling. Once again I’m feeling in the middle of conflict and not seeing a safety net. There is no place I see myself going back to on this planet, I’ve spent enough time with my children the past couple years to know that there is nothing in their paradigm for me. I’m trying hard to keep holding my own vibration and not feeling any direction at all. Maybe part of it is not knowing what will happen next week after I move, maybe it’s about another change. Maybe because I haven’t seen any signs anywhere for a while…Why is it so easy for me to see where the signs are directing ME?

I decided to clean up some old e mail folders and ran across my last correspondences with the ex

April 7, 2014

To Bradley Heard,

Just to let you know that on the 25th the account will be overdrawn when the credit union tries to take out another payment for YOUR credit card.

Since I haven’t heard from your lawyer, I’m assuming I will be in Iowa next month. I don’t believe that making me pay for your cc after we made an agreement will look too good for you in court.

No response….

April 10, 2014

To Bradley Heard,

I’m sure you’ve been advised to not engage in correspondence with me anymore but my last msg was important…I would like to know that I will not be charged anymore for your credit card and that the account will not be in overdraft by the end of the month.

I would also like to know if your attorney is in fact working on our agreement or if I will be going to IA next month.

I didn’t send him love. I still remember the anger, the loss of power…and this is EXACTLY how I feel today.

I must have gotten the papers soon after saying he will give me spousal support of $1000 a month until I turn 65, or get remarried….so I sent another e mail

April 18, 2014

To Bradley Heard

I have a document that states the Public Safety Personnel Retirement System IS in FACT community property and I AM entitled to receive it as my SOLE and SEPARATE PROPERTY…This is NOT SPOUSAL SUPPORT…I’ll see you in court May 9th.

I had a couple of phone conversations with his lawyer and faxed him the paperwork. Shortly after that the documents came guaranteeing me 33.34% of his pension as spousal support and releasing me from all of his debt. I realize that I did settle for less than I deserve but I guess it’s a small price to pay for being out from under the battle, out from under him…I was tired of being stuck and barely surviving off of $500 a month.

The reality is that if he dies I get nothing…maybe this is part of my issue the past few days, I’m feeling stuck because if I really felt that I was valued on this planet I would be seeing another option right now. I AM DESERVING of so much more that I have ever been given. I AM DESERVING of a FAIR EXCHANGE FOR MY SERVICES…

I went to my last Monday morning meeting at the Dragonfly. There is so much I wanted to say and I realized it was futile, I AM leaving in a few days and I knew my words would fall on deaf ears…maybe the word has been overused the past few years but I do see the master baiter as a misogynist. I had nothing to say to him or nothing to add about his wants. I haven’t had a chance to talk to the girl he shut down during the meeting yet. Instead of answering questions about what he wanted, he accused her of being defensive…my perception is that he was on the defensive …was it just me? Am I the delusional one? I hope to see her this afternoon and ask her what her feelings were about the situation.

All day I’ve felt out-of-place, the past week or so I’ve been sleeping in until 6, this morning didn’t get out of bed until 7 and put the coffee grounds directly in my cup instead of the coffee press. I went down and sorted out my time sheets at the Dragonfly and had totally discombobulated the numbers and sequences…I’m feeling like I’ve been in some kind of time warp.

I can’t tell you how exhausted I AM of trying to figure all this out and now I’m pissed because the narcissist is the one with the great pension and now he has a partner helping him, his own therapist…where the hell is MY SUPPORT? I deserve a hell of a lot more than him…if continuing this life without feeling like someone is helping me fight this battle then I want to leave…this is not fun…I keep saying I can buy anything I want but I just realized I don’t have the freedom to go anywhere I want. RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW freedom would involve a car…which would mean insurance, gas, possible repairs (no guarantees on a $1,500 vehicle) and if I decided to go to another island it would cost around $300 USD which doesn’t include insurance, tax, wharfage fee, or fuel adjustment (if any)…that just feels like a huge commitment on my income and not knowing where I’ll be in 2 months…

Maybe what I’m looking for isn’t about the car…maybe what I want more than anything else is to feel like I AM HOME. What time, space, energy and consciousness will it take to FEEL HOME?

TAPPPING, TAPPING, TAPPING IN….I AM DELIGHTED; I AM AMUSED; I AM THRILLED; I AM VENERATED; I AM HONORED; I AM EXALTED; I AM TRANQUIL; I AM CALM; I AM PEACEABLE; I AM PACIFIC…