ERADICATE

#13 Highly Sensitive Personality, High Sensation Seeker, INFJ, Scanner, Woman, Mother, Human…

Most people don’t like labels and a few people, like me, put labels on everything. It’s never to criticize or judge but to try to figure out where others are coming from. I spend a lot of time trying to connect the dots, sometimes they don’t connect but most of the time they do.

I guess my point is that for so many years I lived on this planet believing someone else who told me that something was wrong with me and trying to fit in. The past few years I’ve been learning how to breathe again, trying to figure out why I was here and I’ve finally realized there is and never was anything wrong with me, I just process the world different from others.

The reality of life is that we are all weird and many people are looking outside for acceptance or validation. I think once we learn to look inside and accept and love who we are, life becomes less fearful. Once we realize the only thing we can change is our perception of the world we become more accepting. But then I could be wrong…after all I am kind of weird.

Eradicate the words, thoughts, beliefs and sometimes even people who don’t serve you or improve your BEing…

This is where my search for myself began. I started putting labels on everything, writing words like BELIEVE, HAPPINESS, LOVE, and ACCEPTANCE on post it notes and stuck them on my computer screen. I wrote them on my drinking glasses and made believe that I was drinking in the words and the thoughts associated with those words so they could nourish my body and change me.

The past few years have felt like a mad dash to get it done. So many years now and where am I? There is a fork at the road I think I see the arrow pointing in a direction and not sure if I’m ready, if I’m confident enough to make a turn.

I feel like I’ve eradicated practically everything from my life and have a strong desire now to find some normalcy, something concrete, something tangible in the physical world.

TRUSTING; BELIEVING; HOPING; YEARNING; EXPECTING that when I decide to leap, the Stooges will have my back…I’m only seeing one arrow, is this the direction to go? The life I chose last time didn’t serve me at all, but then again I never knew who I was, I didn’t think I mattered…I had no worth at all. Now I KNOW that I AM the only one that matters. This time life is all about ME, my desire is to surround myself with others that feel the same…

High on the mountain the clouds down below

I’m feeling so strong and alive

From this rocky perch, I’ll continue to search

For the wind and the snow and the sky

Oh I want a lover and I want some friends

And I want to live in the sun

And I want to do all the things

That I never have done

Oh I want a lover and I want some friends

And I want to live in the sun

And I want to do all the things

That I never have done…. ~Dan Fogelberg

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REALITY???

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#12 INFJ…evidently this trait shows up in about 1% of the population and there seems to be many within HSP groups I’m in:

INFJs place great importance on having things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives.

On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions.

At times we have the tendency to believe we know everything and don’t accept help from others, yet we forget to take care of ourselves. We always hope that others live up to their potential and our constant search for their good can blind us to their cruel nature. Many can view us as being self-righteous.

LOL I have to laugh when I read this…so many times in my marriage I was right about so many things. I never ever said, “I told you so”, but he knew, and was so resistant to anything I said. He was too weak to accept that a woman would know more than him…sluts, whores, cunts. I used to internalize those words, they would pierce my heart and another block would go up, another block made out of sponge…all I know now is that for me it feels easier to be open and accepting. Why should I care what anyone projects on to me to begin with? I’m not sure if I ever really believed those words defined me. As far as I know I was the only one that heard the words, but I could see the pain in the eyes of the women he judged so harshly. Although there were times I witnessed him saying the most horrible things to people before he even knew their story. I guess those are the women I’d like to help, the way life is happening, I have to believe that right now I’m being led to a plan…

First thing this morning I got an e-mail from a woman in India. I met her through a Tapping class, about 3 years ago. We really don’t communicate and I haven’t seen her on Facebook in a long time. In the letter she asked me for help with an issue she is dealing with that feels overwhelming…I was shocked to hear from her. So I responded and told her what I saw in the story she shared with me, told her the three blocks I see.

Her story isn’t very different from anyone else…WE’RE ALL THE SAME…is this what I’m here to do? Am I here to remind people there is really nothing unique about us when it comes to feelings? They are only thoughts, not things? Am I here to remind everyone that the desire of EVERY HUMAN HEART is to BE LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY?

JUST as I was asking for a sign that someone is hearing my advice…no it’s not mine, it is only what I feel is a gift, a message I’m supposed to tell mankind…anyway JUST as I was asking the Stooges…

This probably sounds delusional to some people but the way things have been showing up the past few years I have to believe there is a divine guidance…I’ve had unexplainable things happen on my computer…again something just popped up, the time 9:40, I looked at 2 other clocks and they are all displaying the same, so I look up the meaning:

Angel Number 940 is a message that you are fully supported with your life choices, goals and aspirations and your soul mission. Make your Divine life purpose your main priority and continue with the great work you have been doing. Trust that you will achieve all that you put your efforts towards. As you travel along your path, you are setting a positive example for others to follow…

Is it real? I don’t see it happening in my “real” world…I guess what I need to feel is some positive feedback from couple of people that have taken my advice and they have released some of the shame, blame, fear…whatever they are holding on to.  I know it won’t happen overnight, new thoughts take time to meld. We’re all the same, the only difference is different stories at different levels of severity…AGAIN this DOES NOT come from me…if this isn’t the message I’m supposed to be bringing to this planet…I see a vision of the volcano again.

I also got a message from AZ early this morning, “Just got your email. Scary huh :). I’m feeling the same!!! I find myself thinking of you a few dozen times a day”

OK you STOOGES, PLEASE give me a sign that this is my gift to the world. I’m ready to incorporate a real paying gig into this fantasy life of mine…the word for today is delusional…What energy, time, space, and consciousness will it take to change that word to REALITY; TRUTH; CERTAINTY today?

LANDING?

I used to compromise my behavior and not express my authenticity when I was younger fearing loneliness and being misunderstood and ridiculed for expressing who I feel I am. The truth is I have discovered that unless I am authentic (which I now am) with myself and others I am living a lie and that is considerably more lonely to not be in tune with oneself. It has been difficult to live my life truthfully but I have found that I have more respect for myself as a human and that my purpose of healing/helping others has become clearer. Many empathic and truly spiritual people state on websites that they know of no-one in the “real world” with whom they can relate their feelings to but perhaps this is part of our challenge i.e. to have the strength and tenacity to overcome societal pressure and use our abilities to help us individuate ourselves for the betterment of society. I believe that as empathic/spiritual beings we have a tremendous urge, more than others to be with like-minded individuals and if in a relationship with someone who is truly similar (for me) would be an amazingly powerful experience. ~ Paul Watkiss

The night before last I was instant messaging with a friend and he wrote that he felt like he was 18 when he drove his Supra. I told him that I want to be 18 too, his reply, “You are! Who else would run off to the islands with no money and a smile!”

ME: “LOL…I guess so, maybe I want to be 18 with another 18-year-old”

HIM: “Bullet proof and runnin’ on empty! Sounds wonderful.”

ME: “I guess I am feeling bullet proof”

HIM: “I’d like to change the world with you”

ME: “ 🙂 “

What else could I say?

The rest of the conversation was brief, of course how deep can you go when you’re IMing? We discussed music, I only play the radio and dance to it, he creates music. I told him about discussing with a friend about resurrecting a dance class she had with women in recovery. He said he used to own a women’s recovery home…I didn’t tell him the class she had was in Prescott and that we are exploring the possibility of moving there…this is where he lives.

In the morning we had another brief chat. My mind is spinning with all kinds of visions and possibilities of living in a permanent place, and I realize there are a few events that need to happen before I decide where to land. It takes two to tango…

I wrote him a letter and tried to explain a few things about the journey I’ve been on, how I believe helping myself will save the world and how I think it’s time to have a relationship, a real one, and how I believe that being the example of what a relationship was meant to be will help heal the world. I wrote that if he isn’t looking for any kind of commitment then we are wasting our time…I told him I wasn’t expecting any answers soon and that if he wanted to we could chat last night.

We didn’t chat but he did send me a message, “Good night Lila”. Not what I was expecting but I guess it really isn’t changing the vision, only changing the place I will feel safe enough to land…I keep reminding myself that there is someone out there seeking the same thing as me. If it’s not him, someone else in this world is seeking the same thing as me. I want to live authentically and feel free to just BE ME, it would feel easier if I felt there was some kind of mutual support from a huMAN, isn’t this what the female energy needs?

Besides I really don’t need a man right now and I have a friend who I’m exploring having a partnership with, I made an investment and ordered some supplies for her. Now my decision will be based on how she manages the money that it generates…I just have a suspicion that there is a drain. Either she will see it and remove herself from the situation or I’m wrong and we will both make money. It was a calculated risk and I’m not expecting anything in return except for the possibility of a partnership in a business, I figure if nothing else it will be a good investment in my education.

BEing so transient is becoming…I guess not so fun. Does this mean it’s out of my system? This morning I’m ready to land, but where? I would stay on this Island forever but so many things are not showing up…like a car for one. Guess I’ll hitch a ride to the store again today.

HSP/HSS’s seem to have a harder time finding the right partner because they really need another HSP/HSS, and those are relatively scarce~Elaine N Aron PhD

THE EVENT

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#11 For many Highly Sensitive Persons when it comes to career money isn’t everything and work can be a major concern.

In many societies work tends to be geared towards competition or aggression which goes against the HSPs cooperative nature. Many jobs are sales oriented, sell an idea or a product; most HSPs are uncomfortable with the idea of pushing something on another.

Most jobs only reward accomplishments monetarily while the majority of HSPs need acknowledgement and search for work that serves a bigger purpose.

Yesterday felt insane, woke up at 3am and couldn’t get out of bed. After doing some writing, something came over me and I started crying. For a few hours strange things happened. I got three “hits” in my head…I don’t know what else to call it, it’s happened a few times over the past few years. It feels like a wave of energy hitting my brain, one time I got a sharp pain behind the right side of my right eye and a few sharp zings mid brain…then the left side of my brain felt like a floating balloon. Is it real? Is there really something going on and I’m picking up the energy or was it all in my head? Is it just a fantasy that I can actually feel the world?

It’s been so long since I’d had a tearful day. For a while there were waves of energy surging from my torso up and down my legs…I wanted to scream and cry out loud but I knew the neighbors would hear…it felt like there was a noise deep inside that has been silenced for so long and I don’t know how to get it out…I wish I could just sing.

Does my perception of the world really matter to anyone but me? There is no one to witness these things in my life and I wonder when I decide to tell everyone my experiences these past few years if anyone will believe me.

There is a fine line between being needy and wanting a witness to your life, someone to depend on, a huMAN to hold your hand and let you know everything is fine.

There is also a fine line in waiting for the energy to show up and giving up altogether…I SURRENDER

What can I make up about it today? Maybe this was a climax to all that was, maybe it was the last hurrah of feeling the weight of the world…maybe this is the shift I’ve been waiting for…when will it be MY TIME to shine?

What am I missing?

I want love, passion, honesty, and companionship…sex that drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane. ~ Steve Maraboli

IN THE MEANTIME

While that sounds fine so I’ll see you sometime

Give my love to the future of the humankind

Okay, okay, it’s not okay

While it’s on my mind there’s a girl that fits the crime

For a future love dream that I’m still to find

But in the meantime ~ Spacehog

Good morning 3 am…what is this feeling of emptiness I’m feeling? Yesterday I was feeling kind of connected, anchored, grounded…feeling a part of something. Someone started a new Facebook group for INFJ/HSPs supposedly we are very unique BEings, just a small percentage of the planet. How many more labels do I need before my life feels full?

Even after getting an e-mail from a possible business partner, the last time we spoke we talked about moving to Arizona and now I’m not sure, I guess something feels overwhelming. There are so many pieces in my life that I need to pull together to become a part of the “real” world again. Do I even want to go there?

Yesterday I was thinking about how small and insignificant my life was and I made it even smaller when I removed myself from the world. I literally broke into pieces and had three online personalities…Lila was the middle one. Lindsey was the stronger one, the one that broke the boundaries and explored unknown worlds. She is mystical and magical…maybe I want to be more like her.

Yesterday it felt like life was coming together, where is this sadness coming from? Thank you for being here today…if it wasn’t for you…what? What purpose do you serve in my life? Where are the tears coming from and what are they releasing?

dear sadness,

I know there is a reason for you today. You’ve been here all my life. You were with that little girl who was so afraid to shine…the one that felt so discounted and ignored; unnoticed; overlooked.

You were always with that BEing that could only see the anguish and feel the pain of the “real” world, who is she? What is she supposed to do now?

I don’t know how to accept you into my life right now…all I can feel is your sorrow; gloom; despondency… all of you do not get an uppercase in my life anymore…

Sending LOVE

LILA

dear neediness,

Thank you for showing up today…no one ever cared about you and I guess I never learned how to honor you for me, life was always about helping everyone else. It’s so much easier to do it yourself rather than burden others with your presence. We all know you are different, no one else knows how to deal with your indigence; destitution…only you have the answers…

I don’t know how to accept you into my life today either…all of you do not get an uppercase in my life.

Sending LOVE

LILA

There are so many words, so many feelings to change today…what really pisses me off is that I don’t think many of them belong to me. Come on Stooges show me the humor in this all. I don’t see anything funny in being stuck in this place I don’t comprehend. There is no comfort in knowing how unique my BEing is.

In the meantime I guess all I can do is TAP…TAPPING, TAPPING, TAPPING…REJOICE; DELIGHT; BLISSFUL; THRIVING; FLOURISHING…

And in the end we shall achieve in time

The thing they call divine

And the stars will smile for me

When all is well and well is all for all

Forever after

Living in the meantime wait and see

We love the all the all of you

Where lands are green and skies are blue

When all in all we’re just like you

We love the all of you

And when I cry for me I cry for you

With tears of holy joy

For all the days still to come

And did I ever say I’d never play

Or fly toward the sun

Living in the meantime something’s gone ~ Spacehog

HUMOR

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#10 Highly Sensitive Personalities tend to be conscientious people who try hard to perform their duties well and execute their work at their very best level. They often have particularly good manners and notice when other don’t. Rudeness drives them nuts.

“Do unto others” is probably the biggest law in life I’ve tried to follow…of couse not perfectly, after all I am human and do make lots of mistakes. In my case I think I put myself in the other persons shoes, literally LOL…if I felt like I wronged someone or made them feel inferior I would ruminate about it for days, sometimes even longer. If I’ve wronged someone or made the feel invalidated in any way, shape or form sorry, It wasn’t a conscious decision.

The Three Stooges…the three T’s…I think it’s time to get serious about naming MY TEAM…those voices inside of my head that have been there all the time but I’ve never paid attention to…I think this was self-denial…I’m not living on that river anymore.

This morning they showed me a picture of my past…actually quite a few. The first one I saw was the struggle I had with numbers, I barely survived basic math in school. He was a champion at it calculus, trigonometry…he could come up with drug calculations while in the middle of life and death situations, he could put together a construction bid in a couple hours …and he never supported me when it came to money. He would spend it and I would have to figure out how to juggle the numbers…maybe it would have been easier if I was able to write them in black, no wonder I was so opposed to red…

The past few days has felt like there has been a lead weight holding me down…which I guess is forcing me deeper into that pit.

Yesterday I checked out one of my Face Book friends pictures, not many of him but there were a couple he was tagged in when he was younger…I wonder where the pictures of him and his band are. One time he told me they played in the Burg at a few high school dances, I may have been there. Dancing was my passion…not any particular dance, I just love moving to the music… LOL …here’s something else funny, I have 3 older sisters, my parents first family. They are the ones that took dance classes, I remember going through the pictures of them posing looking so cute in their costumes and wondering, “Why not me? What is wrong about me?”…LOL I’ve been punked by those Stooges so many times…I ended up with someone who almost seemed afraid of what others saw in me. It’s like he was afraid of someone else seeing how open I can be, I think he was afraid of my sexuality and he never trusted me. I’m positive now, he was seeing himself…of course that is all a narcissist can see.

I was thinking about him in my Face Book post today, his motto seemed to be, “do unto others before they do it to you”. His vulnerability was a shameful thing…I guess at one point I will want to investigate the mind of a narcissist but need to FOCUS ON ME…I think one of the things I’m searching for right now is a partner that knows how vulnerable I can be and how easy it is for me to put myself in someone elses life. How funny is it that I allowed myself to be consumed in such a one way relationship?

I have a vision of the Stooges directing my life. “Wise guy eh? You want to be a wise guy? Here, go to this family, have this life and we’ll show you every emotion that holds people down. If you survive living with your polar opposite…” Then what? What happens next?

I AM SO GRATEFUL to be living RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW…isolated, alone in the middle of Paradise, in this beautiful house, in the middle of green trees, beautiful furniture, fresh organic foods… What else could a girl ask for?

It’s been days of nothing to do, I’m only required to work 20 hours a week so I have a lot of time to think. Did I mention that I wrote a chapter in a book that was an Amazon International Seller in December…what year was it again? I barely remember the words but know that the ending of Chapter 13 says something about me being anywhere doing anything…But what’s the use of doing anything if there isn’t anyone to share it with?

My mind keeps going back to the quote I saw yesterday, “Success is hollow without someone to share it with”…I just realized that there are three possible co creators I see…each of them in a different role. I WANT I ALL, I WANT IT NOW…but then I wonder if I could handle it all right now…good things come in threes. Maybe they can’t happen all at once but I see each of them being a creative force in my life. OK Stooges which one should I focus on today? This is the part of life where I realize my dreams…right?

Sometime from now you’ll bow to pressure

Some things in life you cannot measure by degrees

I’m between the poles and the equator

Don’t send no private investigator to find me please

‘Less he speaks Chinese

And can dance like Astaire overseas

What if I was…

So what if I was…

Maybe she’s just looking for

Someone to dance with ~ Michael Penn

THREE

#9 Along with introvert, extravert Highly Sensitive Personalities there are also High Sensation Seeking HSPs.

High Sensation Seeking is about seeking out activities or behaviors that allow you to reach a high mental or physical arousal level. It doesn’t have to be thrill-seeking like sky diving. It can mean new experiences, new things to do and craving excitement, novelty and change in life.

This is just a new thought for me, evidently it’s rare among HSPs. According to one patient of Elaine Aron PhD who is HSP/HSS, it’s like having one foot on the gas pedal and the brake at the same time…

For me one of the things is craving the excitement of a new adventure but also needing to find a safe place to recharge.

I never remember having a problem with boredom but with conflict. There were many years in my marriage that I stopped creating, I remember expressing to others that I couldn’t allow myself to get involved in projects. I didn’t know why but realize now there was too much drama and unpredictability, life is hard when you can’t predict the reaction of a narcissist; will it be love or hate? There were rarely in betweens and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells…or maybe a better analogy would be navigating through a pit of sleeping rattle snakes.

I just saw a post from one of the sites I follow, One Planet One Place. It was a picture of two hands holding each other with the quote, “Success is hollow without someone to share it with”.

There goes my imagination again. When I was searching for information on HSS/HSPs I read that it’s harder to find a partner because according to Dr Aron, we really need another HSS/HSP and those are relatively scarce.

I actually do know one, when I met him I was only looking for fun and his life felt too intense at the time. I was still in a place of self discovery…he recently connected with me again. He has shared that his life really isn’t about defining his HSP side. When we met he said he didn’t identify with it at all because of his risk taking and I had no idea about HSS. It sounds like he was supported in his sensitivity as a child…my mind is going so many places now.

All I want to do I rest my brain for a while.

I don’t remember the last time I read a novel. For so many years I’ve been a total immersion of self discovery and overcoming fears. The last book I read was The Ecstasy of Surrender by Judith Orloff, MD. It was a real page turner, LOL. While reading it I realized there are many things I’ve learned to let go of in life.

A long time ago a friend in Greece suggested I read the Anastasia books by Vladimir Megre. I don’t remember the last time I felt relaxed enough to escape into another story.

Right now my desire is to feel some kind of stablility in life, let someone else take over part of this wheel maybe I’ll make it my goal to immerse myself in the Anistaisia stories…maybe I need to just trust that MY TEAM is working FOR me. I don’t know who they are but I know someone,  or something has been guiding me the past few years. Last night I decided to call them the Stooges. If they are the ones that have been guiding me through the absurdities in life, maybe they are the ones that are also teaching me to search for the humor in the contrasts I see.

I did it, I just ordered the first book of the Anastasia series on Amazon, I also ordered a book someone else suggested, Women Who Run with The Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype by Clarissa Pinkola Estes…this morning there is a PEACEFUL feeling that has come over me…I feel like getting lost in someone elses story for a while.

AND I applied for an Amazon credit card…I’m building my own credit…today I have 3 lines of credit. Good things come in 3’s.