REWRITE REALITY

You were born knowing how to love. At birth you instinctively reached out to be held. And you held others too, embracing their fingers. Don’t let learned fears stop you from doing what you were born to do. LOVE and BE LOVED ~ unknown

The past couple mornings I woke up wondering where I was. After realizing I AM in the town I prayed for years to get out of, the town I felt trapped in after coming back while waiting for my divorce, I was okay. I may be here a few weeks longer than I originally thought but that’s okay too. I know I’m not in control anymore, I’ve surrendered to the fact that I AM just an observer and have basically handed over the parts I don’t comprehend to the Stooges…my job is to take care of ME and tell them what I want to experience…right now it’s all about the feelings, LOVE, JOY, RESPECT, COMPASSION, ABUNDANCE.

My desire is to be directed to the energy that allows me to use my gifts, however that shows up…whatever those gifts are. Maybe it sounds kind of crazy but after so many years of feeling thwarted and blocked, I’ve given up trying to make something happen. I’m reversing my approach to life, no expectations, no holding on to an outcome, no trying to do anything.

I’ve just given up, I AM tired of trying to figure it all out. I SURRENDER.

Yesterday I found a car…with the help of my Other Mother I raised the bar and got a loan for 5x’s the amount I thought I’d be comfortable with. Even today it still feels comfortable and I realized that up until just a few short weeks ago taking out a loan and being in debt felt like such an anchor. Even the thought of going to Colorado and working at a franchise restaurant isn’t bothering me…for some reason this part feels surreal but I know it will be a good lesson in managing and learning how to use the tools I’ve been acquiring since learning that I’m a sponge to the energy around me.

There is something going on I can’t explain…after my decision to reintegrate back into the “real” world, I’ve heard a few inspirational speakers talking about reintegrating…again it’s like someone has been reading my blog, once again it’s validation that there are many others on this journey…there has to be a reason and the more I learn the more I realize I don’t know a thing. I’m just along for the ride now.

No looking back, no regrets…well most of the time anyway, I AM learning how to rewrite life, I AM still learning how to navigate this life on this planet I don’t comprehend.

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INTEGRATE

Life has always felt like a problem for me to fix…

I can’t believe how emotional I’ve been feeling, especially after the past few interactions with My Guy. So many feelings coming up. He is starting to feel safe, part of me wants to just explode and bare my soul of all the repressed emotions over him or reveal the parts that have felt too odd to share with others…the HSP part, the Empath parts…the INFJ parts…parts of myself that caused me to feel too weird, too different.

The parts that caused me to retreat and fear, the parts that I used the narc as a shield from the “real” world. The parts that he used against me that fed the shame causing me to retract even more. In the end it was the shame of being blamed for the molestation of my little self that hurt the most. Speaking about my past was not an appropriate subject…as a matter of fact he didn’t allow me to have a history before I met him, any and all revelations became fuel for his gas lighting.

One week from today I’m meeting this huMAN, My Guy, face to face for the second time and even though we’ve really just been communicating a couple of months now, it appears we have many shared dreams. There is a level of…I don’t know what this feeling is or how to even define it. The plan is that we will spend a few days of fun together, even being around a couple of his kids, then will continue this friendship from a distance because I’m moving to Colorado.This is good because I’ll get a small taste of what his life is about before my move into the unknown. I sent him an e-mail and explained some of my concerns…people like me have a hard time using our voice sometimes. In his reply he wrote, “Sleep well knowing you are in the driver’s seat. I’m a great copilot.”

I’m integrating back into the “real” world and will be expected to be on a schedule, keeping track of dates and time, accumulating “stuff”, managing money, and finding out if the tools I’ve been acquiring the past few years will keep me feeling safe in a place I don’t comprehend. Maybe the feelings are…numb; dazed; sedated and a lot of times I’m on the verge of crying whenever I start thinking about this new adventure of doing all these things expected to do as an adult and working and managing someone elses business. My sole desire is to hold my own vibration and I guess I’m feeling some fear of giving up my fantasy for someone elses reality…

What energy, space and consciousness will it take to hold on to my fantasy while being consumed in the energy I don’t comprehend? Am I ready for this integration? INTEGRATE; ASSIMILATE; PARTICIPATE…AMALGAMATE

I WANT

Perhaps the most important question you can ask a potential love partner relates to their relationship with the shadow-their own, and the shadow that emerges in the relationship itself. That is:

How much work are you willing to do on yourself and the relationship when the shit hits the fan? Are you willing to go as deep as we have to go to work it through or are you only interested in a breezy, low-maintenance relationship?

Few people ever talk about this during the romantic phase, because they are not envisioning the challenges to come, but it is an essential inquiry. I have known many people who were shocked to watch their great love walk out the door when the connection required personal accountability and therapeutic work through.

Some of us will brave the journey; others will flee the fire. Some of us will do the work to transform our stories into the light at their source; other will run away with their “tales” between their legs, only to find out later that their tales go with them everywhere they go. If we can determine someone’s willingness at the beginning, we can save ourselves a lot of trouble later. ~ Jeff Brown

The past couple weeks I’ve posed a couple of questions to My Guy, even though I say they are rhetorical he always replies which is comforting because the willingness to answer my questions is important to me. Not that I expect him to read my mind, it’s more about feeling we are on the same page.

The other day I sent him an e-mail asking him if he wanted to play “36 questions” with me and added a link to the questions from a study done by psychologist, Arthur Aron, exploring whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. After I sent the e-mail I found myself stressing and wondering why. It took a couple of hours before it dawned on me that for so many years there were so many subjects that were not open for discussion including something as simple as playing this stupid game.

For so many years I lived my life afraid of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing. I had to constantly be aware of words I used and how I presented them. I maneuvered relationships and interactions with others because of the jealousy. Denied myself of so many things to the point of not even knowing what I really want in the physical realm because he always had to be the winner…do I even want to go there?

I received a message from My Guy that he would play the 36 Question game over a glass of Cabernet, I found myself crying over it. Last night we spent an hour sending messages back and forth, most of that time I was crying again over the thought that this could very well be the relationship I’ve always dreamt about.

In one week we have a dinner date. It will be our second face to face meeting, the first was a 5 hour lunch last July. At that time I felt like his life was too complicated for me as he still has a couple dependent children and I realize now that if I’m expecting a partner to be a calm in my storm, I should be willing to be a calm in his.

It just dawned on me that for the past few months there has been a gradual shift and it’s been a while that I haven’t felt that I need someone in my life. What I realize now is that I don’t need a huMAN, I WANT. I WANT to share my life with a partner that is willing to play my way.

Last night I wrote him about feeling insecure…the message that he was feeling insecure came at the same time. The messages that stick out in mind the most are:

“Lila it’s only a few people in one’s life that we connect with and for better or worse it’s a wonderful thing. I won’t forget that feeling ever”, and later he wrote, “You’re the boss Lila. It’s in your ballpark.”

Really? Is this huMAN the one I’ve been asking for? Is this the huMAN that wants to play the game MY WAY? This morning I’m up at 3 am again and crying over the thought that MY TIME is finally here.

I WANT many things but most importantly I WANT a partnership that I feel is a mutual exchange. I WANT to be treated like a GODDESS. I’m not asking for any more than I’m willing to give…

apathy

I AM an introvert. That means that when I’m feeling down, chances are that I won’t actually go to you for help. In fact, I won’t go to anyone for help. You’ll have to actually check on me. I don’t feel that I should burden others with my problems but if you come to me, I might just trust you enough to let you help. ~ unknown

What is the reality every one wants to experience on this planet? Is my dream really that different from others? Are we all striving for acceptance? To live a life full of passion and purpose? Are we all searching for what makes our hearts soar? Or are most HUMANS feeling stuck on the treadmill that keeps telling them they aren’t enough and constantly searching for more? Is it really about the stuff or is it about the feeling associated with the stuff? Once we obtain the stuff, are we satisfied or are we always left wanting more?

Finding the appropriate place to expand, many people don’t want to know…maybe I should change that thought to some people aren’t ready for my kind of magic. But what is the magic? I’m not different from others. Most appear content with who they are, what they’ve accomplished. Many aren’t interested in my journey, how fearful I was, how I’ve always felt like an alien living on this planet, and how far I’ve come. I think to most people my life wasn’t different from many, I wore the mask and used a narc as my shield. Today there isn’t really any fear, this morning it feels more like apathy. There is so much to tell but the words, to verbalize the visions and dreams feel stuck in my throat and thinking about trying to speak my truth brings up tears. Every day I get closer to going back to the “real” word the more indifference I’m feeling, I was never heard. Why would anyone want to listen to what I have to say?

Feeling insecure, feeling that after all these years of working on myself I really don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. The past few days all I feel like doing is going to sleep and remaining forever in my dreams…what happened to the passion and desire? What happened to the feeling that I could somehow change the world? Maybe it’s going back to the place I prayed to leave for so many years, maybe it’s seeing people from my past and the reminders of how the connection to so many people seemed to drop once I decided to stop engaging and wait for them to contact me…the calls never came.

I spent a long time trying to analyze the situations, there was no meaning, it made no sense, all I can make up about it is that our paths were separated when I started changing. It’s taken years to be where I AM today. Years of being alone, feeling alone, and outside of just a couple of people no one in my own paradigm seems to really “get” me anymore. Maybe these feelings are that I really still don’t “get” why I AM here and going back into the “real” world is feeling kind of constrictive, it feels so much easier to stay in this fantasy of what life could be. What energy, space and consciousness will it take to make my dream a reality?

Decisions. We can think about things, turn them over in our minds a million times, play out possible scenarios but really when it comes down to it, you have to go with your heart and move forward. Maybe things will go well. Maybe they’ll turn out poorly. Every decision brings with it some good, some bad, some lessons, and some luck. The only thing that’s for sure is that indecision steals many years from many people who wind up wishing they’d just had the courage to leap. ~ Doe Zantamata

SEARCHING

I don’t know how to be anything other than intense.

I don’t know how to experience without feeling too much and thinking too much.

I don’t know how to sit still and quiet my mind and just BE.

I AM always searching, always questioning, struggling to find the meaning in everything.

I AM passionate and I AM deep and even if I AM misunderstood, I AM finally okay with that. ~ INFJ Refuge

What is it all about? What are we here for?

Woke up in the middle of the night searching for the answers again I guess I always will. Life for me has been a constant search of trying to make connections and trying to find meanings. Now I’m working on my own questions, working on finding my own happy medium. If I would have known then what I do now maybe life would have been different.

Yesterday I finally have some time off after sanding, painting, cleaning for 5 days straight 8 hours a day with only one half hour lunch break, not that I mind but sill thinking that it would be so much more enjoyable if this was something of my very own…

All day I had zero motivation and basically did nothing, polish the doorknobs that I brought home from the job and made a pot of curry to heat up after work for the week, feeling out of touch and the “real” world feels so distant. I called my Mom and we talked for an hour, if I find a car by April 1st we are taking a road trip to visit one of my sisters and her family

I took a walk and found 4 hugemongous avocados, I had to go back home to get a bucket to carry them and get my camera…I may only have one more chance to get them… in 7 more days I’m leaving and feel so unmotivated to do anything. I feel stuck to the ground again, where is the excitement? Where is my passion?

Herb came around for one last time before I leave, even the thought of dancing with him didn’t motivate me. I should have spent the day unpacking and sorting all my stuff…which means sorting through about 2/3rds of my worldly possessions, I’m not even thinking about everything I’ll need to accumulate when I finally have a place of my own.

There is no passion, last night I tried to watch a movie again, Little Black Book and couldn’t watch the end….come to think about it, the past few movies I tried to watch; About a Boy, Mona Lisa Smiles, 13 going on 30…I tried listening to webinars, even videos of Greg Braden or Bruce Lipton weren’t interesting…what is the use of learning when I don’t feel like I have a community to share with?

Maybe it’s the feeling of the farmer sucking the energy out of a task I usually enjoy; I’m obedient, I do my job and just say, “OK” when he points out my mistakes…it’s his job and I wish I was bold enough to tell him when I’ve fixed his mistakes. I’m on his time, his job, living in his house…it’s just so much easier to be wronged rather than feel someone elses anger, frustration, shame…whatever. I’ve been around him enough, he will get whinny and complain and I just don’t want to feel it and I wonder if I’ll always contract to avoid the feelings…

Maybe it’s the solar flairs, maybe there is something going on in the collective that I’m picking up on, maybe it’s the feeling that my best isn’t good enough for others, maybe it’s just the exhaustion of trying to figure out WHY AM I HERE. What is the use of being me and not feeling a purpose? Maybe that’s it…what benefit is it to BE ME if I don’t feel a connection?

The evening ended with a nice conversation with My Guy, two more weekends and he’s cooking a surf n turf meal for me…maybe part of this feeling is that I’m so afraid to make something out of this, what if it’s not the direction I should go? I guess we really won’t know until we spend some real life face time together. I’ve been wrong before…

Why are INFJs so rare?

The village only needs one Shaman… ~ HSP with INJF

VALUED

Some people live in the material world and visit fantastic realms. I’m the opposite, I live in fantastic realms and sometimes venture out into what is usually called the “real” world. If I befriend someone here, it means they hold more magic over me that Middle Earth or Hogwarts. ~ INFJ Refuge

Whenever I ask him to get something from my purse he would give me a disgusted look grab my bag and hold it out as it was something beneath him. But there was always evidence that he would rummage through it all the time. It never failed, each time I would be someplace and go to purchase a small item knowing I had at least $5 in my purse, it would be gone. I was never “allowed” to have money and had very little freedom on how it was managed…same old stories that I don’t want to go over again, my throat is feeling blocked just thinking about them.

When my body is sore I don’t take medication, I stretch and I could never do it if he was around. Every time I would be in a deep stretch and he would walk by, it was an invitation for him to goose me…so many aspects of feeling invaded, the only exchange I can really think of is the sex was good, on good days he could be funny and charming, and there was always a warm body.

So many memories are surfacing today, maybe that is part of the fear of connecting with My Guy…maybe I don’t want to just live inside my head the for the next 50 years, maybe I want more reality than fantasy in my life. I really believe in commitment to one huMAN, I believe in monogamy. Now I realize how important it is that I’m in a relationship that I AM VALUED for who I AM. In my fantasy I AM nothing short of a GODDESS…after so many years of feeling devalued would I even know what to expect from another? What would an equal exchange feel like? All I’m asking is to feel that from this world. There is nothing I AM asking for that I’m not willing to give. What I AM ASKING for is a fair trade from this planet.

Last night we finally had our second voice to voice conversation, my phone didn’t work at the Mill House so IMing was the easiest. I’m now living up on a hill looking over the trees and have a fantastic western view of the Pacific.

Most of our talk was mostly chit-chat about stuff, nothing too deep. I was unwinding from a challenging day of feeling micro managed while painting, one of the tasks I think I do best and feeling stifled…how do I hold a vibration when I’m feeling a fear of him searching for mistakes?

Listening to MY Guys’ stories was a good escape. We are starting to make plans for when we meet. So far he’s taking me resale shopping so I can buy some warm clothes, cooking me a lobster dinner and evening of chatting in front of an open fire…

ME: another rhetorical question…or not. What do you feel are the three most important aspects of a good relationship? Right now I’m thinking mine would be. Trust, Respect and feeling valued.

I’ll have to ask later, I know he is at a funeral this morning and feel like I’d be invading his space…I’m sure my needs and wants are not his priority today.

CONNECT

Ten more days before I head back to the mainland…another journey into the unknown…I guess my thoughts are mostly leaning towards how I’m going to deal with returning to the “real” world. I’ve been in a fantasy so long and I wonder will I once again get stuck in neutral or will I feel that I actually have some control.

Maybe it’s the uncertainty of daily being around humans who seem so unaware of how sad some of them can make me feel and if the tools I have now will work on the drain…my hope is that I could possibly reverse that flow. What energy, space and consciousness will it take to just BE the light?

Maybe I’m a little overwhelmed doing this painting job that feels like it will never end, the farmer keeps redirecting me and I forget where I left off…so much prep work, I thought I’d mostly be painting. He tells me what a great job I’m doing and then tells me I need to do my job a different way, parts of the wall has to be repaired to be smooth as glass and others parts are just to be painted over…I think there were a lot of unskilled drywallers who initially build the condos and now have to second guess what he wants me to do. Every day I realize how important it is for me to work on my own and I’m feeling like I did in my marriage. Robotic, just doing what I’m told and working on not allowing myself to react, holding my breath, not having an opinion, not having a voice. At least this time I feel there is some kind of exchange, I’m in a beautiful house with a beautiful view of the Pacific and lots of time to dream, there is an escape from him.

Maybe it’s the uncertainty of a new relationship. We met on a dating site in July after a couple of weeks of daily messaging we went out for a 5 hour lunch. After that I tried to connect with him a couple it seemed like his life was too complicated at that time all I really wanted was some fun. I stopped the connection and ended up falling for someone else. I actually felt some guilt over it and then he shows back up on Facebook in December…now we’ve been IMing a couple of times a day and even making plans to meet up the first weekend I’m back in AZ.

Yesterday I sent him a message:

ME “rhetorical question…or not…I spend a LOT of time thinking about what a great relationship would look like. Do you ever think about how to make the next one better or what you would do different?

He actually had an immediate reply,

HIM: “I’d try not to stand in the way

This time I’m excited to go back to the Burg, this is a huge change from the past couple times I’ve found myself going there. I’m buying a car, training for a management job in Colorado and having face time with a huMAN that appears to be a perfect fit.

I really don’t know what I want in the “real” world, all I know is how I want to feel, I want the strength to hold on to my own vibration. I could be anywhere doing anything, I want someone in my life that will support me in holding this vibration, I want a cheerleader, I want to be surrounded by HUMANS that I can relate to.

What energy, space and consciousness will it take to feel connected with the “real” world without it overwhelming me?