PATIENCE

Is it really possible to LOVE EVERYONE UNCONDITIONALLY? I don’t think it is possible, at least for now. It takes A LOT of energy to overlook the hurts, sometimes you can only forgive one person at a time. I AM POWERless to control anything…I CAN only take care of MYSELF. RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW it would be SO WELCOMING if there was someone in closer proximity who resonated with me.

I don’t think many people welcome my advice, it’s easier to not say a word and continue watch the struggle…

When will MY REALITY BE in MY VISION? What’s the use of living inside your head and seeing/hearing/feeling the inconsistantsies, seeing/hearing/feeling the holes in people’s stories if no one else does? Most don’t even care. What is the use if you feel like you are the only one in your paradigm that sees the BEAUTY and PLEASURE that is possible on this planet? What is the use of being here if we aren’t taking advantage of EVERY OPTION this world has to offer? Why stay on a planet that appears to be so one sided? It’s becoming common knowledge what “they” are doing to our home, to our bodies and minds yet no one feels they have enough POWER to combat TPTB. Why can’t others see the generational crap being perpetuated?

I AM feeling overwhelmed by the incongruencies…feeling unused, unwanted here…so let’s go. GIVE ME THE vehicle that will take me to the next level…you know the link that will enable one of my world changing creations to generate A LOT of income. Right now I AM surviving off of the SPOUSAL support from my ex…I don’t hate him, nor am I holding any grudges. We are on our own journeys, I no longer need him in my life but I AM uncomfortable with the word spousal associated with him. I COMMAND YOU STOOGES to SUPPORT ME in this mission…What the hell AM I here for?

There was a wrench thrown in my weekend plans. My Guy was going to come for a visit but it was delayed another week as he has to take care of some business at home. I had HUGE plans to invite him into my world. I know he wants to include me in his…he sent a picture of a Goldwing that he is trading in his Harley for, he wrote that the throne on the back was for me…

So I wait…feeling stuck in Arizona, it could be another month before I mover to Colorado. I keep thinking about how long I’VE felt I’VE BEEN PATIENT for the most part. Over half a century BEING in this subservient position, I know changing the world can take time…I still go through days of not wanting to BE here and I keep reminding myself this is not the end of this story… ENDURANCE; TOLERANCE… SERENITY NOW…

ALIGNMENT?

This morning I was asking for a definite sign that this dream is coming together, the vision is real, the desire is starting to make an arrangement of some kind…

Later in the morning my DIL was in the laundry room, as I walked in to ask if she had a rag I could use for painting I noticed a couple of pieces of paper on the floor. One was an old payroll check of my son’s the other was a folded pink paper, I unfolded the paper it to see if it was something I should toss and it was random thoughts I had written…long ago. I checked the date on the payroll stub…it was 4/22/10 EXACTLY 5 years from today. Was I at their house in Surprise when the note was written? Is this a sign?

If a crime/murder movie can be believable, why can’t people believe fairy tales romances are possible?

Why do people put so many conditions and judgments on others?

I Believe I was devalued in my marriage because I didn’t care about wearing a big diamond or driving the best car.

Champaign Supernova-Oasis

A World Without Love- Peter & Gordon

Finish What You Started-Van Halen”

One of My Guys dreams is to build a home on a bridge…he just e-mailed me a link showing homes build on old bridges, they called them, troll bridges…and right now I see the bridge as a guardhouse for Lisa’s Home…

The move to Colorado is feeling like a HUGE part of this dream, even after talking to my DIL about what I feel like my role to her business will be. I will be working in a fast food restaurant dealing with many young people who need motherly advice…I explained that all I want is to help her and my son succeed and told her. She told me in the beginning she will need a lot of help and my not need so much after that…this is fitting perfectly in my plan. I’ve been thinking that at first I will get an efficiency apartment so I won’t even have room to work on other projects, I can focus on helping them first.

Just a month ago I decided to start collecting a few items to have in my kitchen and unintentionally I ended up with enough dishes and glasses to feed a small army. Is this a sign of what’s to come?

Every vision is starting to feel like a POSSIBILITY, MY REALITY, MY VISION, MY DREAM…patiently waiting…most of the time anyway…TAPPING, TAPPING, TAPPING…my eyes are leaking again…THIS OR SOMETHING BETTER…SOMETHING BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS…

HAPPY ENDINGS, NEW BEGINNINGS…

VACATION

I know it’s been a while…but I’ve been resisting. Tired of writing, I’m tired of holding back my voice and tired of trying to find the right words at the right time to actually speak about my vision.

My eyes have been leaking on and off the past couple days, I’ve even bought eye drops to stop the redness. What’s wrong with me? Maybe it’s the fact that it looks like people, places and things are all aligning in MY FAVOR…is this real or is it Memorex?

I’m forcing myself to write today…the past few weeks I’ve been resisting…guess I’m getting tired of writing down all my profound thoughts. My world-changing, self changing ideas…whatever it is, I’m searching for a different experience.

My kids took me to Colorado this past week and saw where I’ll be working and looked for housing…ever since I’ve come back my mind is flooded with assorted dreams. How much more fun would this journey be if I could actually spend time with a partner that I could verbalize my inner world to? Someone I could bounce ideas back and forth with…maybe HE is in my vision but it’s too soon to tell. HE is a little older than I AM but his kids are a lot younger than mine and even though one just turned 22, she will always be his baby.

Yesterday I went shopping and found a random journal sitting on the discount rack…it’s green and is embossed with a couple of birds sitting on branches and flowers with “Believe” written on it…is it a sign? I have many books and a few journals I was going to dig out from inside of the truck of my car so I really didn’t need it but something told me to pick it up…about an hour after bringing it back to my current couch I decide to put post-it notes on the pages indicating all my ideas…I AM resistant to make any marks on the page. I KNOW what the resistance is.

Maybe the decision to actually put ink to the pages will be after I procure a domain name and I won’t know if the domain is available until I get internet. Once I write it all down will there be someone who wants to help me with this dream? I think I have an illustrator and so far I have over 35 tiny notes with 1 or 2 words and within each of those post-its is at least an entire page of content to define each idea…

Right now I’m back in AZ and not sure if I will be in Parker at my sons’ house for 2 weeks or 6. Since I’ve been here the past couple days there are so many projects I’ve found to do sewing, cooking and painting…they are my research and development. Then there is also the task of feeling like I will be a bridge for my granddaughter and her step-mother. I’m having enough struggle trying to find out what I’ll be doing at her restaurant, I don’t know my pay or even my schedule…all I know is that I will be on for 2 days and 2 night shifts this week…how do I even open the conversation about the step child she isn’t able to get along with? Why does she only see the damaged parts of her? Why was my grand-daughter abandoned by so many around her? I have no idea what happened the first few years of her life when she was with her birth mother, I only have stories I was told about her crying all day…it was a new house with new people, a school friend of my son, he ended up calling my Other Mother seeking help…she didn’t really know her either at that time. The only way I can make sense of this world is to believe we all asked for whatever experience. I won’t say a word and project that my presence in her home will be enough. HOME that is where all my ideas and dreams seem to be taking me…all the words written on the post-its in my BELIEVE IN ME journal feel like they should be assorted rooms in MY HOME…I AM starting to BELIEVE that at least 4 HUMANS will help support MY DREAM but those HUMANS are still in a place of fear…

What energy, space and consciousness will it take to make MY DREAM a REALITY?

What’s the use of having global, life altering ideas if there is no one to share these dreams with? I BELIEVE this is the resistance to putting pen to paper. All I can do is write post-its and try to categorize them on the pages…now I’ve started more notes about house rules, contracts, more books…it’s like my mind has opened up and every idea I’ve ever had is pouring out. It’s become an obsession. Where will this dream end? N0…rephrase that, WHEN WILL THIS DREAM BEGIN?

So far the only entry in my new journal is a full-page of ideas somewhere in the middle that was written by my 4-year-old granddaughter…only she can decipher the meaning of it all, I decided to start asking her for ideas. The first question was, if she had a new house what the rules would be,;her reply was, “Everybody bees nice”, then she left the room…that’s a start.

Today my eyes started leaking again, crying for the dream, crying for the abandoned children, crying for the women like me, crying for the inner child in all of us, crying for those abandoned babies that are only searching for UNCONDITIONAL LOVE…isn’t this what is in the HEART OF EVERYONE? I almost bought a cooling eye mask yesterday…it would have come in handy this morning. Getting back into the matrix is feeling a little scary at times…I AM tired and as much as I WANT to get started, I NEED a vacation…in a couple weeks I WILL HAVE two days away. It is in my range of vision and this will determine if HE wants to be a part of MY DREAM…if this isn’t IT then PLEASE stop the energy. IF THIS IS IT, I will name my first HOME after his daughter, LISA’S HOME, LISA’S PLACE, LISA’S HOUSE… the meaning of her name is the oath of GOD. Her kind is probably the most vulnerable on the planet.

What energy, space and consciousness will it take to find the HOME big enough to house all MY DREAMS? I KNOW they’re  not entirely mine so why don’t I see it in MY PARADIGM?

TAKE ME HOME

I’ve lost days of writing again…does it really matter? Trying to reconnect to the matrix is feeling a little disheartening at times and trying to take baby steps feels so slow in the grand scheme. There have been many times the past few days I just don’t feel like being here…

I found a car and GRATEFUL my Other Mother offered to co sign if I needed it…I needed it. It’s not the blue I was thinking of, it’s grey but does turn a shade of blue from the reflection of the sky…I think I’ll call it my Jett…or maybe my Jetti…

I’ve been working hard since my divorce the past nine months to establish credit and my score is now at 711 which is pretty good. It would be higher but found out that the joint credit card I had with the narc still hasn’t been paid off and he is still late on payments. I’m trying to just accept that this is all for a reason and not allow it to stress me out. I decided to write a letter and sent it return receipt to let him know he is in contempt of court…I hope his new wife gets a chance to read it. Part of me is feeling stress and a little overwhelm that I have to revisit trying to be his voice of reasoning. It’s like he has no comprehension how his actions affect anyone else.

My Guy and I spent a few days together, I think it was divine intervention that the cold sore I haven’t had in over a year decided to resurface for the weekend. It wasn’t a deal breaker so that is good, I’m a touchy feely kind of person and I guess it kept me from being all over him…LOL. He’s a very kind and gentle man and I see that his current situation is a lot like the one I decided to leave years ago, having dependent children and taking care of everyone and everything. He has been making changes the past few months, which was encouraging.

I told him about my gift of picking up on self-defeating words; after that he caught himself a couple of times, I didn’t have to say a thing. Just telling him I hear the words caused him to be conscious of it. This morning during an hour text conversation he wrote a couple of things that felt self-defeating, I was going to remind him in a reply but he had to go…I’ll tell him about it when I see him tomorrow. I’ll also tell him that he will either LOVE that part about ME or it will drive him insane because he is comfortable with what he tell himself and won’t want to change. As far as I’m concerned this is my gift to the world, I’m not changing it for anyone…and I’m not hanging around for someone who isn’t willing to see only the best in themselves. Having this huMAN in my life is helping me define what home is.

Right now I’ve decided that HOME for ME is a place where I AM surrounded by HUMANS that work on seeing the good in themselves and strive to be the best HUMANS possible…too many HUMANS have been trained to only focus on the flaws. How can we learn to LOVE EACH OTHER UNCONDITIONALLY if we can’t learn to do it for ourselves?

It’s been how many years now? Four? Five? It just kind of amazes me how I’ve lost track of time once I removed myself from the matrix and now I’m working on integrating back on MY TERMS…is it even possible to create a HOME I’ve never experienced before? The HOME of MY FANTASY? The HOME of MY DREAM? How do I even start to define it?