I know it’s been a while…but I’ve been resisting. Tired of writing, I’m tired of holding back my voice and tired of trying to find the right words at the right time to actually speak about my vision.
My eyes have been leaking on and off the past couple days, I’ve even bought eye drops to stop the redness. What’s wrong with me? Maybe it’s the fact that it looks like people, places and things are all aligning in MY FAVOR…is this real or is it Memorex?
I’m forcing myself to write today…the past few weeks I’ve been resisting…guess I’m getting tired of writing down all my profound thoughts. My world-changing, self changing ideas…whatever it is, I’m searching for a different experience.
My kids took me to Colorado this past week and saw where I’ll be working and looked for housing…ever since I’ve come back my mind is flooded with assorted dreams. How much more fun would this journey be if I could actually spend time with a partner that I could verbalize my inner world to? Someone I could bounce ideas back and forth with…maybe HE is in my vision but it’s too soon to tell. HE is a little older than I AM but his kids are a lot younger than mine and even though one just turned 22, she will always be his baby.
Yesterday I went shopping and found a random journal sitting on the discount rack…it’s green and is embossed with a couple of birds sitting on branches and flowers with “Believe” written on it…is it a sign? I have many books and a few journals I was going to dig out from inside of the truck of my car so I really didn’t need it but something told me to pick it up…about an hour after bringing it back to my current couch I decide to put post-it notes on the pages indicating all my ideas…I AM resistant to make any marks on the page. I KNOW what the resistance is.
Maybe the decision to actually put ink to the pages will be after I procure a domain name and I won’t know if the domain is available until I get internet. Once I write it all down will there be someone who wants to help me with this dream? I think I have an illustrator and so far I have over 35 tiny notes with 1 or 2 words and within each of those post-its is at least an entire page of content to define each idea…
Right now I’m back in AZ and not sure if I will be in Parker at my sons’ house for 2 weeks or 6. Since I’ve been here the past couple days there are so many projects I’ve found to do sewing, cooking and painting…they are my research and development. Then there is also the task of feeling like I will be a bridge for my granddaughter and her step-mother. I’m having enough struggle trying to find out what I’ll be doing at her restaurant, I don’t know my pay or even my schedule…all I know is that I will be on for 2 days and 2 night shifts this week…how do I even open the conversation about the step child she isn’t able to get along with? Why does she only see the damaged parts of her? Why was my grand-daughter abandoned by so many around her? I have no idea what happened the first few years of her life when she was with her birth mother, I only have stories I was told about her crying all day…it was a new house with new people, a school friend of my son, he ended up calling my Other Mother seeking help…she didn’t really know her either at that time. The only way I can make sense of this world is to believe we all asked for whatever experience. I won’t say a word and project that my presence in her home will be enough. HOME that is where all my ideas and dreams seem to be taking me…all the words written on the post-its in my BELIEVE IN ME journal feel like they should be assorted rooms in MY HOME…I AM starting to BELIEVE that at least 4 HUMANS will help support MY DREAM but those HUMANS are still in a place of fear…
What energy, space and consciousness will it take to make MY DREAM a REALITY?
What’s the use of having global, life altering ideas if there is no one to share these dreams with? I BELIEVE this is the resistance to putting pen to paper. All I can do is write post-its and try to categorize them on the pages…now I’ve started more notes about house rules, contracts, more books…it’s like my mind has opened up and every idea I’ve ever had is pouring out. It’s become an obsession. Where will this dream end? N0…rephrase that, WHEN WILL THIS DREAM BEGIN?
So far the only entry in my new journal is a full-page of ideas somewhere in the middle that was written by my 4-year-old granddaughter…only she can decipher the meaning of it all, I decided to start asking her for ideas. The first question was, if she had a new house what the rules would be,;her reply was, “Everybody bees nice”, then she left the room…that’s a start.
Today my eyes started leaking again, crying for the dream, crying for the abandoned children, crying for the women like me, crying for the inner child in all of us, crying for those abandoned babies that are only searching for UNCONDITIONAL LOVE…isn’t this what is in the HEART OF EVERYONE? I almost bought a cooling eye mask yesterday…it would have come in handy this morning. Getting back into the matrix is feeling a little scary at times…I AM tired and as much as I WANT to get started, I NEED a vacation…in a couple weeks I WILL HAVE two days away. It is in my range of vision and this will determine if HE wants to be a part of MY DREAM…if this isn’t IT then PLEASE stop the energy. IF THIS IS IT, I will name my first HOME after his daughter, LISA’S HOME, LISA’S PLACE, LISA’S HOUSE… the meaning of her name is the oath of GOD. Her kind is probably the most vulnerable on the planet.
What energy, space and consciousness will it take to find the HOME big enough to house all MY DREAMS? I KNOW they’re not entirely mine so why don’t I see it in MY PARADIGM?