CATALYST

My mind keeps going back to his last letter, “We are an island in an ocean of turmoil”. My response would be why should I be that one? My island is different…

Sad part is that he stopped the communication, if he wants a different position in this world, he will contact me…him or someone more suitable will come along. I don’t want to try to fix anyone, MY SOUL DESIRE RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW is to find just ONE HUMAN that can see my vision of BEcoming THE CALM IN AN OCEAN OF TUMOIL and help me to succeed. If he chooses to contact me again I’ll tell him I BELIEVE his music will make the world cry…together we could travel the world breaking down the walls and help rebuild lives, maybe I need to find someone at the same stage I AM. At this time I don’t see an advantage of waiting for someone to catch up with me. There has to be someone that KNOWS WHAT I KNOW and helps me SPEAK MY TRUTH.  SOMEONE who helps ME PROJECT THE PEACE IN MY SOUL.

When I was in Honaunau I felt such a huge part of the Earth and I wonder if my project of clearing the outside shower is still being cared for. Maybe I don’t want to go back and see it forgotten, I’m not the only one that started a project there only to have it abandoned…I put my heart and soul into every creation and it feels so undervalued by so many. I know the jewels on my artwork have started falling off. If I go back again I’ll find cement glue and bond the glass on the vessel, easy fix, just use a stronger bond. The plants won’t hold themselves, they will be strangled by the invasive plants unless someone cares for them…my mind wonders to each depth of the whole function and I realize the struggle to be so lateral in a linear world…I wonder what would happen if we started containing our properties like they do in the UK? Why aren’t we all planting wood rose as hedges? There is a pattern to every interaction if we had the time and space to sit back and disconnect from our own reality…mountains would  be moved. Does anyone else see this vision?

I AM LIVING in an alternate reality, no longer attached to someone that has no respect for who I AM and practically every day I AM trying to EMERGE, something else brings me back to the isolation and introversion because I AM the only one that sees the inconsistencies… I AM READY TO GO HOME…It doesn’t matter where it is I AM tired of playing alone…

HOLES

Dear Roger,

I have the utmost love and respect for you. When I asked who you wanted to be it wasn’t about who you are, it was more about a dream and who you wanted to be in my story.

I guess it will take a week to figure out what became so negative, the only thing I see is that we have different realities and I’m seeking something you don’t want.  

I guess until I find a way to effectively express what’s in my heart I will always be misunderstood. If I am supposed to be on this planet as a helper, there will be someone who is ready and willing to accept what I’m willing to give. If it’s not you then there isn’t any reason for me to be in your life. Nothing good or bad it just is. I hope you find a loving companion that will respect who you are, someone who you want to share your dreams with.

Sit back and enjoy the ride…

ME

This letter isn’t only meant for Roger, it’s meant for the world that I don’t comprehend.

I dissect and analyze every situation, to some it is could be construed as overkill but I’m trying to make sense of the inconsistencies and holes. I AM trying to “come out” as a new person…I just don’t know who she is yet.

Before I wrote this letter two days ago he stated that…it really doesn’t matter what he wrote, I think it was a couple of blogs ago. I get a feeling he wanted something else and think that maybe he felt rejected and wanted me to feel the hurt…all I asked was for him to take a workshop with me on communication.

Looking over the events leading up to this point I now realize is that he is afraid to open up to me or anyone for that matter. His first wife didn’t like to hear his music and I never even asked what his second wife thought about it. The last weekend we spent together I asked him a couple of times to bring his guitar so we could work on a song. Before he came I had visions of taking a bath while he played in the next room…maybe he’s afraid to cry in front of me…maybe his music was never appreciated. The only thing I know about music is what moves me and hearing him play the guitar takes me to other realms.

He saw my words as negative, I was wading in the mire and thought I should take a week to recoup my thoughts…I told him before that I heard we should look at ourselves when we tell others, I hope he takes his own advise as well…he also stated that we are an island of peace in an ocean of turmoil. I think after these past few years of introspection and isolation I want to be the catalyst to calm the ocean…my former existence doesn’t serve me anymore.

Now I’m wondering what will happen next week. It doesn’t matter, I AM SEARCHING for the energy, the next project, that will fuel my soul:

Painting boxes and stools

Fire Finger Painting

Dragon Eggs

Campaign to start promoting the black women standing behind the Colonel…

One day, one of these constant streams of creative energy will connect… to someone in the “real” world eventually.

I AM CALLING ON ANGELS to help me figure out what direction to go now. If this planet doesn’t need someone like me then I might as well start planning for Bonfire Night and find someone who will build a catapult for my departure. If this is the best I can hope for, I don’t want to be around another year…this planet is a fallacy, there are too many holes in people’s stories, I don’t know what to BElive anymore.

MEANINGless WORDS

Dear Roger,

My intent was not to hurt you, it’s the name of a cartoon super hero that I thought was silly. Who do you want to be?

I have my own techniques also but always searching for something new. I wanted to share the article because it suggests practicing catharsis which I’ve been doing but didn’t have a name for it, you gave me that word and I’m using it in this new dream of mine.

There is so much I’m working on right now, like I told you emotionally I’m probably am 19 in many ways trying to figure out where I belong. One of my biggest hurdles is using my voice and communicating and I’m tired of feeling alone in this journey. Every decision I make feels critical and I’m sad that I tried to include someone else in my dreams.

 I feel the same way about music, sex and whatever I’m creating at the time…

Sit back and enjoy the ride…

I see breaks and tears in other people’s lives…what’s the purpose if no one is in need of your fix?

I’m constantly distracted by the background noises around me and many times hear only whats presenting itself in my perception…if I actually saw their lives as mystical and magical then maybe my focus would be on other words…I AM JUST TRYING TO BE THE BEST HUMAN POSSIBLE…where is the human that shows up and supports me in this dream? I AM READY to wake up…

I used to have headaches all the time and now I’m wondering if they were really true…maybe I just made up that I had a headache because that is the only thing my Mom would comprehend and at that time I didn’t know where the exhaustions came from. Of course she decided they were migraines because she had them. I did’t believe her and I don’t get headaches, I get pressure and I have to release something…

Maybe I’ll start placing little fairies all over the planet…I’ll do some more traveling and then …what? I want to FEEL HOME, something to come back to…so far this planet does’t feel like home to me right now and I AM trying to create another reality, how can you do this if there is no adult to share the vision with? RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, THE ONLY ONE I can relate to is my 5-year-old granddaughter, she is my little Indian Princess…and I have a lot of sadness that I wasn’t able to give my grandkids what her maternal grandparents have given her…she appears to be fully supported in being a child and growing to who she is supposed to be…or maybe I’m wrong, today I might get to see how her Nana responds to her…

Dear Roger,

In March you wrote, “Written words are ambiguous and often misread”

EXACTLY…

I appreciate so much about you but I guess this sentence really says it all, most of our communication was only written, ambiguous and often misread.

 Sit back and enjoy the ride…

What I AM not sending is that what I wrote recently, “I don’t re-analyze, I over analyze EVERYTHING, I always have and I don’t think I can change that because I actually see it as a gift that isn’t always well received.”

I ended the letter with, “So yes I will over-analyzing a relationship to death because I’m working on creating a life where I AM VALUED FOR BEING ME. I think this is why learning how to communicate is a huge issue right now…”

Maybe I need to change my words…I will analyze a relationship to LIFE this is what I AM working on creating in my world.

I see holes in the stories I hear people telling themselves, fractures in their lives and I guess if my help isn’t what’s needed for anyone, then I have no purpose in being here.

The last dream I had keeps appearing, who was the legless man? Why did I patently sit on the stage with everyone watching him? The past few mornings I get glimpses of where I went during the night, its dark and not welcoming…the only place I want to be RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW is my daydreams but this world feels draining…where is my IGNITOR?

I’m happy he knows who he is, I just see someone bigger, a HUMAN that shares his gifts with others that value him and his space. I AM HAPPY he is HAPPY in his reality. I AM SEARCHING for a mutual fantasy, an alternate version of the world that I never felt value in…

PS: when I asked who you wanted to be it was rhetorical I understand that you know who you are in your paradigm, but the fact that the last time you thought about publishing your music, it was on tape…and you never submitted it. I thought I saw something different.

I’ve decided that the bottles of Lila’s Catharsis will have a chalkboard on the back side for HUMANS to tell themselves what they want to feel…ingesting it will help them find it in their own lives, that was the beginning of my change.

WORDS ON A PAGE

WORDS ON A PAGE

What else is it if no one else hears the words written on your soul? What use is the soul if you feel no connection to a purpose?

Dear Roger Ramjet,

I don’t re-analyze, I over analyze EVERYTHING, I always have and I don’t think I can change that because I actually see it as a gift that isn’t always well received. I’m sure that is where the depression came in because I thought there was something wrong with me, I don’t comprehend why people do the things they do and I’m trying to make sense of it all.

I have so much of my life to put back together I don’t even have the energy to count the cost of living in the “real” world much less what I feel I need to be doing in a place I don’t comprehend and I’m searching for some kind of direction to go.

Remember the video your friend posted of you playing your guitar on FB? Something about the music felt so familiar…when I spent the first weekend with you, you played your guitar and I haven’t heard you play since. The weekend you came here, I remember asking you at least 2 times that week to bring your guitar, I was hoping it would be the first thing you packed. I can make up a couple stories about why you didn’t bring it but I see it as you not wanting to let anyone in right now. I could be wrong but sometimes I think I can read hearts.

I have my own version of our relationship but what it really comes down to is that I don’t feel we are on the same vibration right now. Over-analyzing is how I deal with the inconsistencies I see and I’m trying to find others that I connect with on a soul level.

I know I used Brad as a shield and supported him in doing whatever he wanted. Then in 1988 we separated, he even spent a night in jail after hitting me. Six months later I went back because I was addicted to the pedestal he would put me on at times. I’ve over analyzed and dissected my past life to death and being reminded of 1988 and the pain I felt for my kids is haunting me. I don’t want to revisit those stories. I’ve spent the past 5 years trying to figure out who I AM after feeling so discarded and devalued, I thought he was someone else and would eventually see ME.

I realize I sold my soul so I could hide behind a narcissist, I was so afraid of what I saw around me and there was no one that understood who I was. I’ve never had someone support or stand up for me so I feel very vulnerable right now trying to be ME, most of the time I’d rather be alone than deal with the “real” world.

So yes I will over-analyzing a relationship to death because I’m working on creating a life where I AM VALUED FOR BEING ME. I think this is why learning how to communicate is a huge issue right now…I have so much to say about this but I guess you not responding to my asking you if you wanted to do a workshop with me felt like a no. Which is telling me that we aren’t looking for the same thing in a relationship and I need to get on with my life.

I don’t want to stay on this planet anymore but if I AM staying, IF I AM supposed to DO something then I NEED a LOT of help and right now I need to stay focused on the people that will support me in finding my voice, whatever it is.

I AM GRATEFUL for the escape from my reality while it lasted…

You will always have a place in my heart,

Lila

Sit back and enjoy the ride…

Being left behind: Unseen. Unknown. Misused.

Some day there is everything and nothing which can cause a person to feel powerless in the “real” world.

These days rarely happen anymore but when they do, they feel suffocating and I wonder what purpose there is for me to be on this planet…

Magic of Stardust and Words

Clare Elsaesser Clare Elsaesser

I’m fighting myself and all the selves within.

It’s daunting some days. I want to unzip my skin and walk out of me. Leaving her behind in a heap but that’s what I know so well.

Being left behind. Unseen. Unknown. Misused.

I’m tired of being alone and trying to work through scores of thoughts. It’s like being ambushed by snipers. The artillery are words and voices. I pour through the pores of my skin looking for a different spin or eyes to see but right now, I’m fighting to breathe.

It comes in waves, often unexpectedly. What triggers it? I rarely know. It could be as simple as the air is tinged with a coolness dipping into the tail of cold.

It tastes of fear lost in a dark, dark well.

I wrap myself neatly into my mug and stare through the Grecian world of my mind’s…

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TRUTH

Truth /tro͞oTH/ noun a fact or belief that is accepted as true.

Belief /biˈlēf/ noun; an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.

Belief in something is a state of mind it is something that no one can take away from us but whose truth do we believe? If it’s a basic HUMAN RIGHT to believe our own truths, why are we told we are wrong? Who’s to say MY TRUTH is wrong? Why should I judge yours?

I have to BELIEVE there is a reason for it all. Standing back as far as I can, removing myself completely from the stories surrounding the events, the hurts, the inconsistencies and figure out what lesson I AM learning from this experience…What else am I here for? When will it be MY TIME? Where are the HUMANS that want to help put this puzzle together and create another reality? May I please take another leap? Who is listening? Are the Stooges just a figment of my imagination…

HEY STOOGES, I think you are the only ones that hear me. Are you really there guiding me? I feel so distant from any reality in my paradigm. Is anyone hearing me?

I found out the other day that my credit is still attached to him. I don’t comprehend what he wants from me. Why he is refusing to release me from his debt? what is he getting from it? I still feel like he is holding me hostage and I don’t want to revisit the past…could there still be an issue I AM BEing forced to deal with?

Last night I couldn’t sleep and wrote a note to My guy…I think he’s MY GUY anyway. I decided this morning to call him Roger Ramjet, it was a name I was going to use when I went to the UK but it never happened, there was no Roger to be found at that time.

I’m wondering if it’s time for me to go back to the UK. I wonder if he would like to go? I see a project happening and I vision us driving and visiting the friends I made when I was there this past Fall. A couple of things showed up this past week, my friend staging photo shoots for Fairies is one of the big ones. I’ve been thinking about writing a letter to her and asking her if she would go to New Mexico and help me stage a Fairy shoot with my sister if I paid her airfare. My sister in NM is 9 years older and a lot like me…we rarely speak to each other, I don’t think I talk to anyone on a regular basis. Last night as I was searching for some charms to put on the bottles of the shine Roger and I made, Lila’s Catarsiss, the search led me to the UK Ebay site, is it a sign? I don’t think I’ve ever searched the UK site before, besides that my hard drive was cleaned up and back to the original…

Roger Ramjet just bought a 1988 Goldwing and said the throne on the back was for me.

I think HE is trying to relive that year again, during that time he was starting a new life…last night I was thinking about my 1988. It was a perfect year FOR ME to start over again, I have so many regrets going back to him. One of the memories that year was getting a phone call from the Wickenburg PD, I think it was after midnight. They found my little boys walking back home to me, I think it was Officer Black that found them a few blocks away from their father’s home, they still had about a mile and a half to go. When I went to the station to pick them up I was told that they were walking down the street crying, they didn’t like whatever was going on at their dads house…and I guess I’m still holding on to some guilt over going back to their father. I didn’t feel like I had an option, I felt at such a loss. IF I would have KNOWN I was an emotional sponge would it have mattered? IF I had at least one HUMAN in my life I felt support from…I cannot allow myself to get stuck in that story.

So many realizations came up today. The powerless to do anything, how I sat by and allowed so many innocent children to suffer and never felt supported in changing anything. Why did I allow so many to define ME?…deFINE…there was never anything wrong about who I was…who I AM…I AM FINE EXACTLY AS I AM.

Why should I feel bad for BEing ME? Why is it wrong to sparkle? Why was I put on this planet surrounded by HUMANS that never placed a value on what I AM? Maybe I was born too soon…I’ve read a couple posts in the INFJ group that validate my feelings, some other people I’ve heard lately that say I AM RIGHT and there is a huge shift going on RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. If this isn’t what I AM HERE for then LET ME GO… IF this is what I AM HERE for send me some POWER RIGHT NOW…Gentle Strength…let the transition BE SMOOTH AS GLASS…it doesn’t have to be a hard thing. I did the hard work and now I SEE an EASIER WAY for MY FAMILY, MY CHILDREN…ANYONE THAT WANTS TO HEAR MY TRUTH.

I KNOW there was a reason for it all…RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW all I want is to show my children how strong I can BE…this has to BE IT. If changing my beliefs, holding on to a vibration, BELIEVING, SURRENDERING, LETTING GO…whatever else I HAVE FOUGHT FOR isn’t IT then what is it all for? It has to account for something.

I just want to share a dream with HIM…whoever HE IS…

“Maybe we are here to love wildly, passionately and fearlessly” whispered the heart.

“You are going to get us all killed” yelled the brain.~unknown

SENSITIVE

“Sensitive–The Untold Story” featuring 7-time Grammy award-winning recording artist Alanis Morissette, is the first of the series and is based on Dr. Elaine Aron’s findings. In 1991 Dr. Aron made a breakthrough discovery: an innate trait of high sensitivity. Since then, her international bestseller “The Highly Sensitive Person” has been translated into 17 languages and her research is published in top-tier peer reviewed journals such as The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology and Brain and Behavior, as well as replicated and extended by other scientists, who will be interviewed in the film. Dr. Aron found that not only 1 in 5 people are highly sensitive, but the trait occurs in the same percentage in over 100 other species.

Seeing the trailer to this documentary is exciting and frightening. After feeling so different for so many years, always trying to fit in the norm and disengaging from the “real” world for the past few years to figure out who I AM and what purpose I have in this world I don’t comprehend, now here is a documentary that will explain it all.

Feeling so insignificant today. I know that once it’s released those that care will have a better understanding of the other 20% that perceive the world in a different way. What energy, space and consciousness will it take to be a part of educating others?