ENDING IT ALL

Get up Fairies, the Queen can’t wait any longer ~ Laila

Out of the mouth of babes. My 5-year-old grand-daughter spoke those very words with me this morning…

I need a kitchen I can experiment with healing foods and elixers…this is what I saw when I looked at the picture of the kitchen Jill showed me when she got pictures of her new house.

This morning I woke up early after a dream that I had left my backpack in Parker…or it was Wickenburg? Wherever it was, my Son convinced me that it didn’t matter because I still had a suitcase of  clothes at his place. I was OK with that until my mind started filling up with all these thoughts, dreams and desires and I had nowhere to store them and I was going to take the 2 hour drive back to retrieve my computer to write it all down and research…

The past 5 years I’ve only had a couple constant companions my computer was one. It stored so many memories about this journey. I must have had a thousand pages about where I was when I started traveling, the first year or so was spent getting rid of all his stories and how they affected me.

How I internalized his grief and fears, his judgements on others and his betrayal to me. Finding about being an HSP, the realization that I was also an Empath, INFJ, Scanner, metacognitive…the things I was learning about brain and biology of belief, how I was learning EFT, conscious breathing, my obsession with an online friend and how needy I felt, the drama going on at my Son’s house and how I was able to help calm the energy and a plethora of realizations…

That story was lost, taken away, when my computer crashed. I was OK with that because I realized by then that my story needed to change. I’m trying to figure out what the meaning of that dream was…my stories are all I really have…and who is valuing them?

My other companion was an anklet that my DIL gave me, it was something she got from India. During my second visit to Mexico I thought I lost it and after an extensive search by me and two others I decided it was just another thing I had to “loose” and accepted it. I found it about an hour later…right next to my bed…how could we have missed that? When I went back to Arizona, I had a weekly exercise of going to Kohls and would randomly try on clothes to test my energy shield. When I was tired of feeling invisible my solution was adding some sound so I had a friend add a couple of bells on it.  .

When I was in Hawaii I thought I lost it for a few weeks again, again I accepted that I wasn’t supposed to have it and it and it turned up a couple of weeks later in the pocket of a jacket that I had worn many times after the loss. I’m now at the home of my DIL that gave me the anklet for a while. It broke the other night, it took a few days to find the paraphernalia to restring it and the night after I fixed it, it broke. This morning I put it back together and ended up cutting the wire as I was crimping it…is there a meaning behind this? Maybe I’m not supposed to have it…I AM so tired of putting the energy into anything that won’t serve my higher purpose…why should I string it again? Maybe to do it again will help me improve my dexterity and vision…who cares if it’s one of the very few pieces of jewelry I have? Do I want to put that much energy to something that won’t last?

Maybe the Stooges are joking with me again…I haven’t even thought about them in a long time, maybe because I don’t feel they are supporting me…maybe because I feel like I’ve just been free-falling and every net I’ve seen has holes so big I keep slipping through…Where are my Fairies? How can I even attempt to start making labels for Lila’s Catharsis when I AM not SEEING MY FAIRIES SAVE THE WORLD…I want to jump ship and put an end to this madness I feel, it’s not mine and if I AM not USING MY GIFTS I guess I’ll always feel suffocated…help me breath or let me go…

BEtrayal

When I think about how OPEN HEARTED I AM, I realize the importance my 18 year old needing to feel protected. She loved standing on a pedestal for the first time in her life…and realized how insignificant she really was shortly after she was married and 6 months with child…he validated what she was told all her life.

I think that the reason I felt so nauseated in Prescott was because I could feel a past love’s energy, it was a strong attachment for both of us. He read my stories and each time I mentioned him, he would send an e mail responding to whatever it was. I LOVED HIM for the way he HEARD what I said…I LOVED HIM for his KIND words, I LOVED HIM for the way he ALWAYS looked at me, I LOVED his INTELLIGENCE…now I AM obsessing again.

He also had to know my boundaries around commitment and how vulnerable I really was…the first time I stayed with him he told me he had a guest room but then when I went to his house, he took my suit case to his room…I think our biggest debate was that he didn’t BELIEVE in SAVING the world.

ONCE AGAIN I felt so unprotected by my vulnerablility…I TRUST TOO MUCH and don’t comprehend why others take advantage of my BEing. I AM SEARCHING for someone that can SEE the MAGIC IN ME.

I’m kind of laughing at the scenario with my former in laws who are slowly becoming part of my family after knowing them for over 35 years. There are so many incongruencies I see and they can exhaust me. Thankfully I was able to tell one of them about changing a body position when an uncomfortable subject comes up or she is feeling manipulated… not in those words as an INJF, I AM GRATEFUL to know this about myself…writing is the easiest form of communication for me. I would LOVE the opportunity to read what I right and there is a Toastmasters group that meets just down the block from where my ex SIL is moving. Plus, they meet early in the morning…there is also a Health Empowerment through Nutrition Meetup group. I try to avoid groups or get involved with anyone and I have for a long time, I have trust issues…I have abandonment issues…I feel financially needy…I AM TRYING to navigate on a planet I don’t comprehend. I AM SEARCHING for an anchor, a safe harbor, whatever the shape or form it doesn’t matter to me…I can do anything, be anywhere…

Dear Roger,

If you don’t want to talk that’s OK.

I just wanted to talk to you about my interests.

I think I sent you a link about being a Scanner.

Last night is the second time you tried to 

convince me to start welding again and it really

bothered me. This goes against who I am. I want 

to do it all, and my passion for learning new things

is what drives me, which is why I don’t think I

could ever retire.

Right now I’m searching for supporters for just

one of my ideas. I know I’ll get bored with it after

a while. I’m looking for partners that want help

getting something started with me so I can create

another project…

I think my DIL might be interested

in designing Fairy Gardens with me and I have

so many ideas around this idea there is no way

I could do any of it alone.

I’m surprised that everything is starting to feel

like I should be in Prescott, I’m not sure it’s about

you. I could be wrong but I feel you have a lot of 

barriers and you are holding on to. You did tell

me you had a lot of baggage and I realize that…I’m

starting to think I need someone in my life that 

has more time for me, I need someone to talk with at

least once a day and I know I’m not a priority in 

your life. 

I AM very fond of you and still have the utmost respect

for you. You seem comfortable with your life, I feel like 

I’M still evolving and always looking for how I can 

improve who I AM. 

I don’t know where all this is going… 

 

Sit back and enjoy the ride… 

If this isn’t MY TIME…PLEASE TAKE ME OFF OF THIS RIDE…I’M EXHAUSTED

MY LOVE IS ALIVE

Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are waiting to see us act, just once with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love ~ unknown

I’m doing another shift, and SO grateful for the physical workout I got moving my ex SIL, packing one day, unpacking the next and today driving all over Prescott and Prescott Valley looking for a place for her and her daughter to live.

My intention this week was to get a massage and look in Sun City West for a place to live and find work. I’m always amazed how my plans always seem to get changed, now my thoughts are turned again to start a new life in Prescott as my ex SIL’s new job is managing people to go into homes and helping, I like to help. Plus there is a community college and I’m sure there are Toastmasters groups there.

After finding a place for her to live, we decided to get an ice cream and hang out at the town square. Once we got there we saw a Prescott Idol competition going on…and I started feeling sick, I thought it might be from eating in restaurants the past few days, or maybe it was from this new shift in my life. I couldn’t even think about ice cream so I got water and we sat on a curb at the square and watched the show. After we were there a while, I looked up at the crowd on the steps and saw Dear Dr J…huge waves of nausea came over me. I don’t usually feel sick and I remembered the last time I was that sick was right after I found out he was still dating his ex girlfriend, she was with him last night. Maybe it was just coincidence that I would see him just as my body is spinning into a new paradigm.

This morning I got up early to go back to Parker, I’m working this afternoon. Shortly after I got to my Son’s home the nausea is starting again.

I have no idea what this all means, part of me is excited about living for a while in downtown Prescott and finding connections…the other part is so unsure about so many things and I’m feeling too tired to continue anything.

I didn’t even contact Roger until I knew moving close to him was an option, communication with us is still lacking. Maybe he isn’t who I AM preparing for and I AM tired of being diverted by men that have no respect for who I AM or my needs. Next time…if there is a next time, I won’t even consider going out with anyone unless they take a class with me before I decide to get too close. Maybe the next one will be the best of the two…Dear Dr J seemed to always be looking at me and I loved the attention, Roger’s music spoke to my soul yet he seemed to stop playing for me…IF there is to be a man in my life he will see me, he will communicate with me, his music will speak to my soul. Life just doesn’t make sense and I don’t understand why I’ve never felt valued…I guess my financial situation and the fact no one is supporting my talents says it all…

Will I ever feel loved, held, adored? Will I ever feel valued BEing ME?

I’m tired of making plans for the future, maybe I should start thinking about what I want to do before I leave this planet…not that I have a death wish, it’s just that if this is all I can hope for then there is no use for me to be here.

Well, I think it’s time to get ready

To realize just what I have found

I have lived only half of what I AM

It’s all clear to me now

My heart is on fire

My soul’s like a wheel that’s turnin’

MY LOVE IS ALIVE, MY LIVE IS ALIVE

Yeah, yeah, yeah

There’s something inside that’s making me crazy

I’ll try to keep it together

‘Cause what I say may not happen the same way

Now could be forever…

…There’s a mirror moving inside my mind

Reflecting the love you shine on me

Hold on now to that feeling

Let if flow, let it grow, yeah yeah ~ Gary Wright

PREPARE FOR DEATH

The lying foundation that held this world captive is fading away.~Robert Richard Jr

I used to think this could be a beautiful place to live, if we could learn to respect each other…now I believe it’s more about accepting who we are. If there is no LOVE OF SELF, how do you learn to love another? ~ ME

Roger sent me a message last week asking why I was passively aggressive…he said he could deal with it and that he liked my craziness, it reminded him of home in the ‘70’s. I know he loved his parents, he would have been around 19 at that time.

My reply was, “I have no idea…I have no idea where I belong or what I should be doing. I’m having a hard time dealing with people and the incongruencies I feel/hear/see.”

Later I sent him a link to an online workshop on communication and added this:

I’m angry that I’m financially needy especially at this point in my life. For some reason I was never “allowed” to have my own money which started when I was at least 6. 

There has to be a reason I’m here and to admit it to anyone what I know would feel too grandiose or delusional. 

 I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of hearing/seeing/feeling the self-defeating words and behaviors of humans in general…

 You come along and tell me things like wanting to change the world with me and letting me be in the driver’s seat yet you don’t appear to want to learn a different way…

I’m working on surrendering to any outcome, I don’t care anymore and to continue surrendering and letting go of hopes and dreams leaves me pretty vulnerable to this world…It’s more than a state of depression…this could be our first lession (I spelt lesson wrong…maybe this is a lesion)

Focusing on the HERE AND NOW…focusing on how the past has made me stronger…focusing on how the past doesn’t define me…but then who would I be if it wasn’t for my past. Where would I be today if I felt valued for who I AM? Why do I feel surrounded by HUMANS that aren’t seeing the possibilities?

Would this day, this feeling, be any better if there was someone to share deep thoughts with? Someone to help end the confusion on where to turn?

Either people don’t like me or I AM too intense, they are afraid of me…people are afraid of what they don’t understand. IF I AM RIGHT I will be valued in the “real” world, you know the commerce that makes the world go round.

I AM always available to hear their troubles and try to help them gain a different perspective…

WHO AM I to be telling these stories when no one around me really wants to know…WHO AM I to believe someone would benefit from my perception of the world? Why would I want to stay on this planet I don’t understand?

LIMITING BEliefs

That’s what I hear all around me and when I try to encourage others to see life in a different way, they reject what I see as a possibility. Most people don’t engage in conversation with me unless they are trying to figure out life, and I don’t see myself as anything else right now but helping others succeed.

I WOULD LOVE A HOME where I could entertain travelers, I would love to return the hospitality and generosity I was shown while I was in the UK, MX and in HI and connect with other people like me. I have a friend that would take over when I’m traveling and creating new dreams and building futures, there are so many fractions to this dream, in my mind it goes on forever, there is no limit to the possibilities I see.

Am I trying too hard? Am I trying to be the super star no one every asked me to be? I fee so alone in this journey…I see so many contradictions, how do we reach coherence?

Forgive them their sins, they don’t know what they are doing…but then what is a sin? Is it to murder and take from another? Not just in the physical sense but do you murder the dreams of others, do you take hope and glory from others? …why do I feel so far removed from a world that up until now has placed no value on my talents? I don’t think it’s for selfish reasons that I want to show the world I AM the polar opposite of my ex.

Maybe I’ll move to Sun City West for a while…I know the summers are hot as hell but there would be a pool. If I work on taking one outing alone at least once a week, I’ll find some bored retiree that is looking for a new venture. Maybe I’ll find some sensitives…will I survive living in such close proximity to others?

I was thinking today how I always feared older people when I was young, it could be from never feeling protected. I can’t blame anyone because I don’t think anyone knows how to deal with me even to this day. I enjoy being left alone rather than have idle chit chat, I’d rather be talking to others about values, life, and finding solutions to problems. Maybe I’ll find my tribe in a retirement community.

Maybe they are the audience I need RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW…maybe they would appreciate someone my age being 19 again…maybe I’ll find older brothers and sisters. I feel like such a child expected to take on the world that makes no sense to me. Maybe this is another resistance I need to overcome. Sun City West was “his” territory, the community where he worked his dream job as a firefighter/paramedic. It was only me and my family supported him in getting there, he had cut his own family out of the equation until he became “somebody” in their eyes, or that’s what it appeared to look like to me.

My stomach is turning today maybe the velocity of this leap is affecting my vessel…it isn’t hurting me, it’s only reminding me of the speed of this jump…my eyes are leaking this morning, my stomach is turning and I know what this is, IT’S GOING TO BE A SMOOTH TRANSITION…

As much as I want to be seen, I don’t want to engage with anyone unless it’s for my greatest good…does that sound selfish? I’ve never felt valued in my own paradigm so why should I be concerned about keeping others happy?

I AM GRATEFUL to see the contrasts in life but I AM TIRED of it all and I find it interesting that many like me are just tired…I hope we all find peaceful places.

It hasn’t even been 24 hours since I’ve had the thought of moving, already I have myriads of plans for a life in Sun City West. I’ve never had my own space on my own terms, maybe I would enjoy the experience for a while, I AM ACCEPTING that I will be once again spending a summer in the SW desert, I grew up with it. If I have to endure another summer at least give me a pool and a nice yard. A balcony, a bath tub, friendly neighbors I can share my kitchen creations with…humans that won’t drain my energy. Maybe I’ll find some retirees that are looking for a project…today I’m feeling nauseated. I know that renting a place will most likely be a year lease, can I commit myself to one place for that long?

CAN I GO HOME?

The spirits all tell me, you gotta keep driving on

And my brothers all tell me I can do no wrong

But the universe tells me I can’t leave myself alone…alone, alone

I’m so tired I don’t’ know if I can take it

So wasted, oh lord, don’t know if I can fake it

So tired I don’t’ know if I can take it

Come on, baby, let’s try to make it

I know that if we really try we can take it~It’s A Beautiful Day

PREMIE

If I could express how alone this world is starting to feel. Not good, not bad it just IS and it IS too much for this BEing to handle alone…there is no one around that even asks, I think they know there is nothing they can do for me and I AM GRATEFUL they don’t tell me what I should be doing but they also don’t offer suggestions, I KNOW I should be GRATEFUL for this time to introvert and isolate…but then again I don’t ask, I don’t complain and I can live in my bedroom or on the back porch for hours at a time. I keep thinking about the past 5 and a half…it was January 3, 2011 when I left my marriage, how much more do I need to know before this feels like HOME?

I realize my need to help others is because I pick up on their inconsistencies and most of the time I feel like the connector…I don’t know how to describe it but it’s almost like grabbing cords from one person and trying to find the right receptors to connect with them or sometimes trying to see where I fit in their story, what am I helping to heal…I realize that I don’t really want to help anyone, I AM trying to help them help themselves.

If no one is listening, what’s the use? Next week I’m going to Wickenburg and stay with my Other Mother. My work there will be to go over my Mom’s finances and try to help her find a home to live in. I wonder if I can get both of them on board for my new idea

There is a new thought that we are the ones we’ve been waiting for…the ones to show up in the world and save the planet. If we could teach each other to see our greatness, if we could help others to realize how amazing they truly are this could be our MEME…why would I want to share this with anyone? Why would I think that anyone believes anything I say?

I think my situation scares people, old friends avoid me as much as I avoid them. I’ve always been generous, at one point someone told me that she heard a talk on hospitality and she thought of me. I’ve had a couple of friends over the past few years tell me that I was the smartest person they know. For years I remember praying to be out from under everything that was holding me down from being happy. After 33 years of living under a narcissist I started learning to take care of myself.

When I was 52 I had a 2 am wakeup call and started learning how small I could be. I’m strong and healthy and rarely get sick, this week I got a sinus infection and I know the only reason is because I’m starting to wear down. I’m exhausted from trying to figure out where I belong and how I can sustain my life on this planet I don’t comprehend…maybe I should start telling people I know that I don’t comprehend the pursuit of money. How I’ve always had a fear of authority and I realize now it was about the fearful energy they projected. I need to communicate that what I feel from HUMANS as a whole is that everyone is fearful of what they don’t know and how they are being hypnotized daily.

I came from a southern Baptist paradigm and ended up raising my children as Jehovah’s Witnesses…my Daughter is the only one that is still active, my oldest Son is more perceptive of what’s going on, he is in a the bible belt of the US where people actually appear brain-dead most of the time, it’s not a healthy environment. My youngest married a Muslim. The past 3 years I’ve been in three different countries, multiple cities and towns and don’t really feel like I belong anywhere….

I don’t know where I was going with this thought, I was distracted by Facebook and came across this post…

I believe I am emphatic and have removed the many negative people from my life. That said, I have found to look for the innocence and joy in others and that brings it out in them. My world involves 3 things, Everyone around me is very ill, I am a full-time care giver, my job involves at-risk troubled teens and I am also a Financial Officer with 12 employees. I have full blow anxiety in crowed places esp airplanes. At one point I just had to look for the innocence and good part of others. I have said to people, I would not do lunch with them if all they did was vent. I read in so many people, just a need to be happy. Can we as we evolve help others see to invest in Joy. As empath we feel overwhelming pain, Can we look and then feel the good? ie, read their happy times like birth of their child?

I don’t know what this means but I did post a reply and told her I wanted to create a group home for emancipated women…it looks like she would have all the qualifications to be a partner…but maybe not. I’ve done all I can…if it resonates with someone, then it will happen…I just want to sleep. At one time I thought I wanted to live on this planet forever…not anymore. Maybe I was born too early, I see it changing but I don’t want to continue living in this confusion. It isn’t happening fast enough for me.

BORN TO conceed

Or was I? Why are my earliest memories full of anger and shame? Why was I never allowed to have my own money? I remember when I was barely 6 having change in my piggy bank taken because the lost soul I was attached to convinced me that throwing rocks at the windows of an empty house was OK…I remember blacking out after the owner, who lived next door, had us come into her house. The next thing I knew he was crying and there were two police officers standing in the room…I have a few childhood memories and most of them were full of anger, fear and shame. Now I’m convincing myself that there was a reason for it all. Why should I keep having faith? Something beyond my wildest dreams will come true if I KEEP HOLDING ON…maybe that is what I need to write on my bottle of Lila’s Catharsis…HOLD ON

I need to purchase a program to print labels and I keep stalling…every purchase I make I ask myself if it’s going to be for my greatest good…I have a handful of websites that I keep renewing and recently purchased one more.

I want to help others find an easier way to deal with life and it’s becoming hard trying to convince anyone that Fairy Tales come true…I’ve tried to convince everyone around me. My family knows how depressed I was, the struggles I’ve had and yet there is still no one that wants to play this game with me or even hear my ideas and dreams, I don’t want to deal with the crap I see being perpetuated.

If there truly is no adult to collaborate with then let me go…RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW I feel like I’m in a dark box with at least 20 holes in it each of them has a view of a different dream. I don’t know any of the people in any except the vision of my grandkids but that vision isn’t all that bright, I need more helpers. I put the intention, the idea, out to all my kids and I don’t know if I can harness the energy from them to keep the project alive.

Yesterday I took on the responsibility of finding a home for my 86-year-old mother…I guess there is some anger that my 3 retired sisters aren’t willing to help with the research. I have another idea but I’m not doing it on my own especially when I know she will resist every idea I have because of the money. I realize that there is no one that wants to focus on a dream, focus on the feeling and accepting the money will come when it’s time, if it’s meant to be…maybe I AM the delusional one.

I guess I’m not too pleased that after never feeling supported by my parent, that I AM feeling responsible for her happiness and I keep telling myself that I was the one that decided she was the weakest link in my tribe and probably the one I need to help first…WHAT ENERGY, SPACE AND CONSCIOUSNESS WILL IT TAKE TO GET OUT OF THIS FUNK???

Today I feel like a fraud, helping others and pretending someone needs what I have a desire to give…HOLD ON…giving up at this point will be to lay down and die…where is the energy to keep going? Why do I feel I was born to concede?