I AM VENUS…

Anna and I had at least an hour alone to talk today…she is taking a course RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, with a women I first heard speak when I was in Mexico, Jennifer Hough. In my search for her I found Simon Jordan…over a year later I found out that Simon was My Coaches business coach. Kate Gardner is now an INTERNATIONAL BEST SELLER seven times over.

I BELIEVE Anna and I will have a strong connection, she was a grade above me in High School. She doesn’t remember me but I remember her as a striking tall redhead, always friendly, she was the first female, second child of a family of I think 6. Her younger sisters were very good friends of my ex SILs. I think her role in life is to be the big sister, she has no children of her own but is very motherly.

From my vision I can usually see the connections, the interactions and how life feels like it’s in alignment most of the time now…does anyone else see the connections to everything?

After talking to her I think my need to stand out is to see the connections to ME…I AM MY OWN PLANET today. Who am I touching? Who is seeing the value in MY GIFTS? What am I really bringing to the table for other HUMANS?

If you look at us as a collective…from 30,000 feet you can SEE/FEEL/HEAR the disease of separation…LOL does anyone else get this? This random crap just comes out at times and IT FEELS SO EXPANSIVE…no one else in my world can see what I SEE…What I SEE is a well oiled machine, maybe not now, maybe soon I don’t know, but it would BE GREAT to SEE IT in MY OWN LIFETIME…

My fantasy is that this is now MY WORLD, those that don’t like it can go to hell…PLEASE DON’T BE AFRAID…I see many of you there already….LOL…sometimes I make myself laugh…is this insane that I could BELIEVE this is a REALITY? IMAGINATION is a WONDERFUL thing, it’s what makes me smile.

I pretend that my heart touches other hearts as I walk around town…my vision keeps going back to a couple I saw last night. As I walked by they both smiled and had an intense look as I walked by…I just realized they walked on the other side and they stood by the steps kind of close to me…I totally forgot about that part…then as I was leaving, we were walking opposite directions and we just smiled and said, “hi”…Wonder if I’ll ever see them again…hmmm

In MY WORLD I kind of feel like Venus: the Goddess is representative of motherhood, domesticity and prosperity. She was the fertility Goddess of gardens, vineyards and humans…yea I can see that…I guess I’ll just be LILA, the Sanskrit meaning is PLAYGROUND TO THE GODS, how FUN is that???

I’ve always felt like I was an island to myself…I’ll just play with it: I AM AN ISLAND my national flower is the THUNDER LOTUS, national bird, the HUMMINGBIRD, my weapon will be a wand…it looks like a LIGHTNING BOLT and has the POWER to OPEN the HEARTS OF MORTAL MEN…when I use it, each being has the choice to continue to live and fight for generations to come, or they can perish and allow the crap they leave behind to keep perpetuating…what more could a girl ask for? WE ARE MORE POWERFUL THAN WE’VE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE…

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RESPONSIBLE

Last night I waked to the town square alone, everyone is gone for the weekend including Kanga, the Chihuahua/Jack Russell that has become my buffer…why is it so hard for ME to be seen? I saw eyes staring at me as I walked by, I do it all the time to others…why is it hard to accept it? I was hiding for so long.

I didn’t see him but I pretended he was there, maybe even walking behind me and not acknowledging me…this was good. I need to keep reminding myself of the fall from his pedestal…I don’t know how else to get over this obsession…

Mrs D almost cried a few times as we were wrapping up my 54 hour week taking care of Mr D. She was afraid to say anything until I told her I felt like she was a kindred spirit, I know what it’s like to be with someone vacant and not moving forward. Of course she loves her man deeply but it feels like she’s been a prisoner, all she can see right now is the responsibilities of taking care of every detail in his life as well as hers. She is allowed 600 hours a year respite and she told me over and over again that just having me there and taking care of both of them was a blessing. This isn’t the situation I see as a career but I feel something getting closer. I’m not sure I want to deal with brain damaged or unconscious men anymore…I’ve had my share all my life…I AM READY for a conscious huMAN in MY LIFE…

I’ve decided that part of my stress is because I feel like I AM bracing myself for another financial blow from brad…I did stir up some crap…I don’t care, this is the only way I know how to BE HEARD…LOL. In my vision he is paying off the credit card and paying to have my name changed.

If I stay in this town, I’m sure that eventually his new wife (the one who resents that I drew her into his drama) and I will meet at some point after my trip to Canada. My plan is to come back with some kind of strategy to inform young women about the trait…abuse survivors, addicts, ED’s who else? I really feel that many are only unidentified HSPs who need to be educated on the POWER of their perceived weaknesses. The new wife works in the field of recovery and I hear she comes up every Monday to facilitate a group.

But then I could be someplace else, I could move again…life is feeling a little unstable again. As I was walking to the square tonight I could vision starting a home close by for weary travelers that need a safe haven from the confusion of the “real” world…my undefined, uncharted, unknown, unexplored mission.

I saw a trailer from the HSP movie and Dr Aron was talking about how the world needs HSPs right now because we are the priestly advisers…I have a lot of fear about promoting the movie now. That sounds like a huge position to fill and I don’t know if I want that responsibility…funny that someone posted on a FB Group about how they are tired of BEing the responsible one…I’ve felt like that for so many many years.

My Son and his daughters are coming to visit today, yet I feel so empty and alone today. I have to accept that this is something that will probably always happen and I don’t need to know why…I’m putting on my best mask today and smile at everyone I see…

VALUEless

INFJ’s and Dating:

Who you usually go for: No one, because everyone is going to hurt you. Even the ones you’re only mildly attached to, especially the ones you really really like. Once in a blue moon, you’ll meet someone who seems to have the potential to never screw you over. And you’ll put them on a pedestal until, eventually, they’ll let you down too.

Who you should go for:  The best friend. The one who has proven their trustworthiness by being there for you through everything. The one who will let you down unintentionally, every now and again, but stays by your side to stitch up the wounds. Someone who will finally make you believe in the whole “everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to find the ones worth suffering for” bullshit that you were struggling to accept before. ~ Thought Catalog post by April Lee

We all let each other down at one time or another.

Maybe today is the quantum leap I was asking for…right now it doesn’t get an UPPERCASE in MY LIFE. Just another result of believing there was no VALUE in BEing ME. I could start asking for donations but I don’t feel anyone would contribute to my cause…some kind of mission; I can’t even begin to define IT but IT FEELS EXPANSIVE.

After yesterdays little windfall of funds, I just realized I have so much free time in Canada and only connecting with one person outside of the retreat for one day. Maybe I should just focus on the first 4 days…and accept that once I connect with a couple women from Canada, they would know someone that needed my kind of help in the Vancouver area for 5 days…hmmmm

I FEEL SO DESPERATE RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW…I’m not feeling a fuel, something to drive me, I know that the finances are starting to stress me out. I just don’t want to do think about it…there are so many more lofty things to focus on…IF I AM SUPPORTED then it will work out.

I think Mrs D is falling in love with me, I’m not sure about Mr D; he was resistant with me when he tried taking his night meds in the morning. He is asking me questions so there is curiosity about the “real” world. Then he showed me a new way to do a wordsearch puzzle…you circle all the letters individually and write E G G S down the left side of the box…He is definitely using his imagination.

Mrs D has repeatedly told me how GRATEFUL she is for ME BEing there. She LOVES the Staycation idea…I really BELIEVE that she is an Empath, although she is open to a lot she has never heard of HSP…we’ll take it slowly…I can’t tell you how much fear I had when I first identified with this term.

I think she likes my approach to her issues and I’ve told her a couple of my tricks. She has rocks with IMAGINE engraved on them around the house and I just asked her to think about what that words means to her…I guess I should document what is helping her. Maybe today is a good time to ask her if she would help me with the business of taking care of others and we could journal what is helping her, she would be a good reference…she might even have some ideas.

WE can practice the ART OF ALLOWING yourself to be weak and needy for a few days, let someone else take care of you, even if it means you have a total meltdown. Last year this time my focus was helping young business women do projects or clear clutter from their homes…I think clearing the clutter in ones mind sounds like a lot more FUN. Maybe IT is about helping others deal with the pain and helping them find ways to release it. We can use our imaginations, drink special elixirs, eat good food…I could just BE present for them in their own homes and take care of their needs, cooking, light cleaning, fielding phone calls and going for walks in the wilderness for a few days…I think I’ll take my pinwheel with ME today and show her how I use it as medicine.

The domain, StaycationWithME.ME is available… With $1500USD in the bank; a $195 balance on my credit card;and my new Priceline card with my $390.65 balance for my flight…I AM GRATEFUL that my retreat is paid for already…I think it was about $800 and I’m getting a small refund…I don’t know how much yet but it will be about the difference between a double and a triple room…that’s good. I just can’t justify spending $10 on another domain unless something concrete shows up.

By the time I get back, my niece should be moved in. Three of us in a 2 bedroom house doesn’t feel right to me, I really feel like there will be a change of some sort…will I even BE HERE? Although at first I really felt things were happening here and all the possibilities, I don’t feel anything holding me down here anymore…I could literally BE anyplace in the world right now, oh yea…I’m making payments on a car, it’s my anchor to this continent I guess.

I don’t want to feel like I AM settling but…the other night Roger sent me a few texts…he tried to engage me in sexting but I wouldn’t go there, he isn’t interested in ME, he is interested in the fantasy he has created about ME. At least the last guy would Skype and was curious about what I was doing. He would actually WRITE TO ME, SPEAK TO ME…and I LOVED looking at his face, he was a gorgeous man.

When I text’d Roger that I was going to Canada for two weeks his response was, “neat”…no when, what, how, or who. I must be real desperate for some male companionship, I even asked him what he was doing this weekend in hopes he would want to take a walk to the square with me…I really need to get involved with a social group when I get back, but then I feel like my life will become consumed in work, saving up enough money and finding a place to rent…IF I stay here…This or something BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS…

WHAT ENERGY, SPACE AND CONSCIOUSNESS WILL IT TAKE TO FEEL FINANCIALLY SUPPORTED FOR BEING ME TODAY???

THE IDEA OF ME

IS THIS ME…or maybe just a fantasy? I can’t find the quote but it’s been on my mind a lot this morning, something about you like the idea of ME but can’t handle ME…what is the perception I GIVE?

Mrs D was so apologetic for being in her home while I’m taking care of Mr D, she seems like such a kind soul. I brought her a rock I painted, told her it as OK to retreat and breakdown, that she is allowed to be weak. We agreed that she is on a Staycation, there is no harm in being afraid to leave. She liked my idea of taking her and Mr D to the forest for a while, she also liked the bottle of Catharsis I gave her, she has knowledge of the biology of BELIEF…she might want to play my game.

My MO is to hold people to a higher standard than they do themselves…I guess I AM SEARCHING for a huMAN that loves taking care of his own needs as much as he loves taking care of mine…

Most of the fights between brad and I were about moral and ethical issues, the way he talked about others, the way he conned money out of others…I have proof…as his wife I was expected to look the other way and pay the debts he consistently accumulated. I realize how far removed our values were but I stayed…why? I don’t even want to think about it…and I realize now that it’s not my job to know it all. I KNOW A LOT and I can’t tell you how, it’s just who I AM. Today I CAN BE GRATEFUL just knowing that I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE…we don’t know each other but have interacted in FB groups. It’s rarely that people in the group FRIEND each other, we can relate to each others issues, most of us feel alone and it’s funny that we aren’t BFFs…kind of strange.

I think he was going through one of his batshit crazy episodes during our divorce, one day I finally got the nerve to call the court and talk to his cousin, who I had met probably 3 times when she was young, to ask her what I did to make her so angry at me…she assured me that there was nothing said or no problem at all. He had written me that because a meeting was changed it was my fault, I don’t BELIEVE anything he tells me anymore. This is who he always was to me, now that he’s been chemically castrated I guess he must be a nice guy…why…why do I keep going back? Maybe the fact that there is no one in my horizon right now, I feel like I need to resolve the mistakes before they happen, I need to know what to look out for.

I feel like I’m ready to let go of ex Dear Dr J…feeling some relief but I think I was addicted to his pedestal and keep holding on to that…maybe I need to start focusing on being knocked off and the pain and heartache. It isn’t him but in my fantasy he is tall dark and handsome, a gorgeous man…a lot like him; almost 8 billion people now, there has to be another.

How exciting is THIS? I just got an e mail from Jacquelyn Strickland:

Hello Lila,

We currently have you booked for a double room with another HSP …. HOWEVER….. there is another HSP who has requested a triple room ……and there is no one to put her with.

I am wondering if perhaps you might consider a triple room ???  The triple rooms are quite large so I think there would be enough “space” …..  And… you would receive a small refund for the difference in costs for the triple room.

Please let me know ASAP if this is something you might be open to…

Looking forward to seeing you soon,

Jacquelyn

Success is : ” Learning to define Success on your own terms.”  

                    ~Jacquelyn Strickland

MY REPLY:

Hi Jacquelyn,

I would be happy to be in a triple room, everything happens for a reason doesn’t it?

A couple of people convinced me to stay in Canada for at least 2 weeks so I’ll be there from the 4th – 18th, a refund would be great. I’m not finding anyone on couch surfing and not sure if I could stay in a Hostel so will be spending more that I expected.

Thanx for asking me.

Lila

Sit back and enjoy the ride…

LOL I just remembered that I should have a check from KFC. It must be at my Son’s house, we never discussed how I would get my last check…he can give me cash when I see him this weekend…cha ching!!!

Now my mind is going back to a partner…HE HELPS ME count the costs, HE ALLOWS ME to BE ME, HE has no need to control my lateral mind and HELPS ME manage my ideas and dreams…

WHAT ENERGY, SPACE AND CONSCIOUSNESS WILL IT TAKE TO MAKE THIS A REALITY TODAY?

procrastination

If you’re HSP then you process things deeply. Information goes in and it goes through a 4-part HSP stomach, then it gets regurgitated and it gets digested again. This processing is very similar to the digestion process of a cow

Procrastination may signal a disconnect between what you think you can handle versus what you actually CAN handle. How much is really on your plate? Do the math.

Procrastination may signal as as-of-yet unidentified conflict between what you want versus what seems to be expected of you. Who are you trying to please, and why?

procrastination may signal that that thing you do when you procrastinate, should be made a priority. If you start knitting when you’re procrastinating , but you hardly allow yourself any knitting time otherwise, then more knitting is what you need (not more discipline).Fooling around time/creative and non WORLD CHANGING hobby time/ wiling away time, it derives it’s own time slot, otherwise it will keep showing up when you planned to get other work done~ Caroline Van Kimmenade (11 Reasons Why Procrastination May Not Be the HSP Problem You Think It Is)

Is it Mrs D’s soul asking for a bigger life or is it mine? How do I know the difference? Does it really matter? I see myself taking both of them out in the Prescott forest, not too far away from a trailhead and just BEing for a while. She hasn’t had time away for a few years now and it feels like they are both stuck in a routine that is going nowhere… Her and I seem to have a lot of the same interests, she used to assist a woman with retreats and also has done her own catering. She’s not much older than me and her life is consumed with a husband with Alzheimers and her own issues of fibromyalgia and bipolar episodes. One of the women I stayed with in the UK, Kimberly Jones, recently met up with a medical team that discussed how emotional breakdowns could possibly be just symptoms of awakening.

After getting off of medication and learning how to take care of MYSELF, use my own concoctions and just allowing those down days to happen knowing that if these feelings were coming up, I wasn’t going to stop them. Instinctively I just knew that these were things I had to work through, blocking them for over a half a century wasn’t working and I was hell-bent on doing it MY WAY…

I didn’t spend the night alone with Mr D. When I got to the house I found the new key she had made for me on the porch…funny, now I have 3 keys on my key ring…my Jett key, my new home key (Jill decided that I should have the tyedied one)…and the home of Mr and Mrs D, she had a tyedied key she had made FOR ME…I smile every time I think about it…

As soon as I went to the house yesterday, Mrs D was on the couch in pain and only wanted to sleep. I was wondering if she was doing too much at the last-minute.

I’m doing my own math…I’m creating a whole new life, the physical and emotional expense is more than I can do alone and I know it…it’s been a huge blessing to move in with Jill but it’s starting to feel like I’m finished helping her for now, there isn’t much more that I can say about her situation and helping her clear her physical clutter will take both of us and there are a few barriers on her end. Moving her daughters’ furniture in the room I’m in over the weekend makes me even more aware of the need for my own space.

I’m not really seeing any signs or sychronicities of anything concrete…I was asking to work with couples but I was thinking of something completely different. Maybe practicing my new method with this couple will be a good start, I guess some of my fears of being a single woman feels uncomfortable because I’m afraid the wife would think I’m flirting with their mate…or vice versa. If my first experiment involves a man who is semi conscious then maybe that is safe FOR ME. IF this is IT, please help me facilitate this a little faster. PLEASE give me a sign that this is IT.

Next week this time, I’ll be on a plane bound for Canada. I don’t even know where I’ll be staying for the first 4 nights before the retreat…I just have to keep BELIEVING that what I NEED will show up EXACTLY at the RIGHT TIME.

I just got a call from Mrs D, crying and apologizing because she can’t bring herself to go today. My suggestion was to set up her back room as a little retreat and shut the door, she can always leave tomorrow, it’s been years since she’s been away. I’m wondering if she is wanting something bigger in life…I wonder if mayBE I AM really supposed to BE helping her, Mr D’s brain is deteriorating, did he really check out of life? Or is this just the result of poor life choices?

So many questions, so many directions, so much work feels overwhelming at times…I feel like I’m procrastinating but there is so much involved…maybe today I feel the Universe or whoever is in charge is waiting FOR ME…but where to I leap if all the roads feel like they are leading to places I don’t want to be today? Maybe there is some movement but I want to feel a little more MOVEMENT; ADVANCEMENT; ACCELERATION; CONTINUANCE in at least one direction…so far the signs I AM seeing only feel temporary…

REALLY???????????????????

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Today I really felt I was going to see some movement and I’m not sure I’m satisfied with what I’ve seen so far…I DESERVE BETTER…Roger didn’t even want to read my blog, he isn’t open to learning how we can better communicate, he is building bridges instead of following his dream and building homes on bridges, he sees his passion of playing the guitar a waste of time; something he didn’t even want to share with me.

From where I’m standing his baggage looks like a huge pile of black bags…hoarder style…he gives to others and was very stingy with ME. He told me he wanted to change the world with me, he told me that I was in the driver’s seat, yet he was never open to creating a dream…it doesn’t matter if they don’t come true but it would be fun fantasizing about something…something helping others achieve success. I even wasted my time trying to get him involved in a project that would help his autistic adult daughter have a safe home…this is one of his stressors, he seems to enjoy the crap he wallows in.

How do I tell him? He isn’t open to any advice, he doesn’t want to speak with me, he doesn’t want to Skype with me because he would have to pay for it, but he thinks it’s fine to keep texting me…I quit sexting with him a long time ago; whatever he wants from me feels empty.

He lives just a few blocks away from the office of my new job…I wasn’t expecting him to show up. I was just asking for a sign…and to be with him makes me feel like I will just be settling. I can’t help him…and I’m afraid to hurt him…

COMMON GUYS…

WHAT ENERGY, SPACE AND CONSCIOUSNESS WILL IT TAKE TO FEEL FULLY SUPPORTED ON THIS PLANET?

I WANT IT ALL

I am an INFJ; an introvert who is profoundly proficient at elevating others using empathy but struggles with receiving such relief. This means when I’m down, I’m unlikely to go to your for help. I wouldn’t go to anyone for help. You see, I’m used to restoring myself, so I instantly revert back to my own company, even though it doesn’t come close to fixing most of my problems. So you’ll have to check on me. And even though I never want to burden others with my problems, if you reach out to me, and prove to me that your really do care, I might just trust you enough to take you up on your offer.~INFJ Refuge

I WANT IT NOW!!!

Not many comprehend my journey. The past few years I’ve learned to live with very little, staying with family and friends…I don’t feel like I was a burden to them. As a matter of fact I really believe I’ve added some value to their lives and I realize that eventually I feel drained by them mostly because I think I should be doing more to add value to their circumstances in the monetary sense. Is this a result of never BEing “allowed” to have my own or never BEing “allowed” to have control of my own when I did make money? Someone has always been there taking from ME. It really isn’t about the money now, I just have to keep TRUSTING that what I NEED will show up at the exact time it’s supposed to…

I’m trying to keep occupied while waiting for the right energy to show up, next week I’m going to Canada for 2 weeks to a retreat I’ve been wanting to participate in for at least 2 years. I really should be excited but the thrill is being overshadowed by the stress of money in my current home. It appears that her ex and his significant other are trying to sabotage her efforts. BLESS HER, she was just starting to feel some relief from the monetary struggle after bailing him out of gambling debts two times during their marriage. The last time he even gambled away their three children’s college funds. She still doesn’t want me to pay rent or help with utilities because she feels me being here is a fair exchange and I’m feeling limited in my trip because I have to watch what I spend…I might be looking for another place to stay once her daughter moves in. I have no idea what I will do before the retreat or after and I realize how I feel like I’m being forced to do something I don’t want to…I just don’t want to feel so alone anymore.

I need to focus on my dreams coming true, I’ve been asking for a huMAN to take care of for monetary gain…maybe I should have been more specific. I would LOVE to take care of a conscious huMAN, someone who will RESPECT ME as EQUALLY as I RESPECT HIM.  ALL MY DREAMS are coming TRUE…I just need to be more specific. What is it that I want…what is it that I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want? Why can’t I get the vision, the dream of HIM out of my head? Maybe it’s because he is the only huMAN in many years I felt comfortable with, I want that feeling again with another and I think I feel guilty??? I don’t know what the feeling is…maybe I feel like SEEing HIM in my fantasy is projecting my energy on HIM and either HE doesn’t want my kind of crazy in his life or he just isn’t ready. If it isn’t him then send me someone A LOT LIKE HIM…only this time someone who has no old girlfriends stalking him and causing him question his loyalties, someone who wants to GROW WITH ME…I AM SEARCHING for COMMITMENT.

I get exhausted being in this goop, in this suspension, in this chrysalis with nothing concrete to hang on to. Even though the ex was a bastard he did have moments of consciousness; no matter how angry, defeated, or overwhelmed I felt, there was a warm body to hold on to. I know I need more than great sex and a warm body to hug…I’m searching for a huMAN that will help me invest in myself, someone who will accept that I need downtime to recharge.

This state of suspension is wearing on me…this journey of wanting to feel a part of this planet, something to hold on to…something…something…something…What is IT? I have to continue to have HOPE that there is a landing soon, something concrete…a firm platform…a warm place to rest. Something I’ve never felt BEfore, something I can’t describe until it shows up in my life.

Today maybe I need to focus only on Mr D and taking care of a partially independent, semi conscious man. I need to FOCUS on the 5 days I’ll be at the HSP Gathering meeting a small group of HSPs from all over the world rather than the 9 days of the unknown…I’ve been here before, I just have to keep TRUSTing that what I NEED will show up EXACTLY at the right time.

In my e-mail this morning was an invitation for a home party, Trades of Hope “empowering women out of poverty”…I looked at the online catalog… ALMOST EXACTLY what I wanted to start 3 years ago and I wonder how many more ideas I’ll have before I find the energy to start something on my own…

My alone feels so good, I’ll ony have you if you are sweeter than my solitude ~Warsan Shire