TAKE AWAY

This is what we do…we learn to take our gifts away from others when they/we are what WE perceive as bad…does this make sense? Our LIVEs become filled with holding our BRILLIANCE under a basket and shame others trying to shine on their own…reading this over MAKES no SENSE to me…I don’t know how to explain the confusion I SEE.

Does anyone else understand? Does anyone see what I’m trying to DO with my WORDS, does it really MATTER? What do we tell ourselves when we look in the mirror? Do WE BElive we are the most BEAUTIFUL CREATURES on this planet or ARE WE flawed?

I guess if MY WORDS really MATTERed I’d get more views…but then that would also mean that my tiny life wouldn’t be so tiny anymore…in my vision there is a male energy next to me…at least a foot taller than me by my side. A few months ago while I was in the UK I was told there was an energy, her vision was tall, dark and handsome…I AM trying to be OPEN to every possibility. What is the resistance? I have a hard time cutting cords…I guess I trust that other huMANs SEE the SAME DREAMS as ME…

I AM GRATEFUL today…I was literally pushed out on the dance floor Friday night. I think whoever is watching over me knew my desire to be dancing. I’ve been praying for a push, I was praying for some kind of support from someone to be noticed…and I was. I need to be more specific about the partner, actually I was at one time, but that dance didn’t last…

I think WE are both late BLOOMers in different ways. RIGHT NOW he reminds me of a kid in a candy store and I’m HAPPY for him, I hope it’s everything he’s dreamed of. At one time I though he was the big brother I was praying for, I don’t think he realizes how much VALUE I feel HE ADDed to MY LIFE when we met. The memories of him have invaded my brain too many times to be only friends, in my outer world he felt like the path of least resistance…today HE is just a fantasy of what COULD BE, if it’s not him, it’s someone a lot like him.

I’m working on enjoying the journey…the roller coaster of life, my desire at this time is to have more highs…having never experienced this in the “REAL WORLD” I wouldn’t even know what that looks like, I’m still blazing a trail. This is MY FANTASY not HIS…or IS IT?

What energy, space and consciousness would it take to partner with another that could ONLY SEE the BRILLIANCE in YOU, one who only wants to LIVE searching for BLISS? I’m tired of feeling like I have to shrink and hold back, why should I BE the one retracting and FEELing unSAFE when all I want to do is HELP OTHERS SEE the BRILLIANCE I SEE in them?

BEcoming ME

The first time you looked in the mirror, you did so with wonder, fascination, and love. Then, the world told you that you were too much of this and not enough of that. And since you were new here, you thought they knew more than you did, so it must be true. But guess what? It wasn’t. And it isn’t. Find the wonder, fascination, and love within those eyes that look back at you each day. Because both flaws and beauty are only a matter of perception.~Doe Zantamata

The other night I ran into an old friend…one of the few I didn’t want to lose, but I did…I guess our craziness doesn’t resonate, on some level I thought it could. In our brief conversation, he teased me about wanting to change the world…but guess what? I DID, I changed my perception and now I AM SEEing others starting to follow, not in leaps and bounds but baby steps; it’s taken centuries to get to this space and time. Generations of being told WE were less than, generations of carrying the BElief that we were flawed, generations of PERFECTly imperfect HUMANS expecting others to do as they say, not as they do…it’s BEcome a vicious circle of blame and shame…so what if I don’t CHANGE the world? My mission is to die trying.

There are so many possibilities on this planet. The past few years all I’ve focused on is what I could do, not just for income but something that would be helpful to others. While I was traveling I realized that I could BE anywhere doing anything and still haven’t found the energy to keep a DREAM alive…now here I AM once again sleeping on a couch feeling like I AM at an impasse not knowing what direction to go.

I’ve been offered a room of my own but I feel the conditions will become more than I want to give. It would be a fair exchange if he only wanted a companion and a driver. I’m starting to wonder if it’s a good idea to keep being his friend. My fear is that the more his brain continues to fail, the more I’ll be blocking him…I AM working on keeping an OPEN HEART. I don’t have a problem BEing stuck in a fantasy of what could BE…but it would have to BE with someONE I ADORE…someone cognizant and willing to BE a part of my journey to BE the BEST HUMAN POSSIBLE…of course not perfectly, we are all still learning.

I realize my desire to BE that person for everyONE else isn’t always conducive to “normal” living, whatever “normal” is. Why do I feel so wrong in my desire is to find a huMAN that is willing to work WITH ME in creating a LIFE OF OUR DREAMS…BE the planet I signed up for, the ONE that VALUEs LOVE, RESPECT and COMPASSION. If my motives are honorable, if all I want to SEE on this planet is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, then why does it feel so wrong at times? Once again I feel like the weird one…am I the creep? What the hell am I doing here? Do I even BElong here?

Yesterday I spent a few hours lost in the forest asking whoever was listening to abduct me…I’m still here…

She’s running out again,

She’s running out…

She run run run run…

Run… ~ Thom Yorke

TIMING

Why do I keep getting a small window on my computer screen with “alone” written in it? It keeps showing up on each webpage and on my word program. This word used to feel so devastating…there is no longer a fuse or a charge associated with that word. Everyday I FEEL lonely in the sense of not having a PARTNER to SHARE dreams with and the only thing I can make up about this is that the timing isn’t right yet, either I AM not READY…or my partner isn’t’ ready yet…so I wait for an alignment and live my life searching for signs and synchronicities that tell me what step to take next.

When I was in Hawaii my advisor, Claire, told me to listen…I did but heard nothing every place I went on the Island; Honaunau, Captain Cook, Kona, Hilo, Naalehu…and every place I’ve been since then Parker, AZ, Pagosa Springs, CO, Wickenburg, AZ, even in Canada…about a week before my trip to Canada I realized that the sound that has been ringing in my ears the past few years is the same frequency as the cicadas I hear daily here in Prescott so I searched for the symbolism of the cicadas and I resonated on so many levels:

They choose their own time to be born. Cicadas lay dormant, sometimes only a year, sometimes up to 17 years. It has to do with predators. Although still a mystery to biologists, the cicada has a keen ability to sense the right time to emerge from their earthy cocoons in order to produce the most off-spring. They do this during a time in which their predators are low in numbers-insuring the chance of their broods’s survival.

The cicada is a symbol of rebirth or immortality, harvest time, fertility and abundance…

This morning I got a Skype request, from introspectology.com asking me if I could send a headshot and schedule a time to be interviewed. I guess someone is interested in hearing my story…is this IT? Is this MY TIME? I know I’m not alone in these feelings anymore…

Mr G called me this morning, I might meet up with him on the Square today but first I need to get lost in the forest and have a good cry…I just need to get away from the confusion and reCONNECT with ME. I don’t want to lead him on but I feel I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY need to tell him about my obsession…

I’ve been in my mind,

It’s such a fine line

That keeps me searching for a heart of gold

And I’m getting old~Neil Young

LAUNCHING

She was made up of delightful contradictions. And as she got older she stopped trying to solve her intensity, her extremes, her sensitivity, and celebrated them instead. They proved she was alive, giving her all, opening herself to life and spontaneity as best as she could. The mess she felt was like the raw and untampered beauty of walking into and through the wild.

Anything could happen. That meant all the good stuff too. The less she controlled and edited herself, the more meaningful it all became. The more she trusted all her strange ways, the more her wild heart danced in the glory of being untamed. There was no middle road for her. Her path was off the beaten track. It made her soul flame wild and free to finally stop apologizing for being and feeling different~SC Lourie

Today has been a journey; introspecting and wondering why I AM HERE at this time. Not just this planet, not just Prescott, but feeling in BEtween three generations of pain and HOPEing my words will HELP them MEND the patterns that keep repeating. All day I felt myself shut down and tried to stay out of the energy, it feels too illogical and I don’t know how to respond.

I AM GRATEFUL I got to spend time alone with my niece. She told me I was the only one who seemed to understand. We talked about what it’s like to be introverts and I told her I don’t UNDERSTAND, I just try to SEE things in a different LIGHT. I don’t think anyone understands the energy it takes to remain nonjudgmental while seeing the inconsistencies in the lives of others and allow them to work it out on their own. This is their journey…I no longer believe it’s my job to give advice on relationships. I can only tell them the tools I learn to HEAL my own pain. It’s all about ME…

Mr G called this afternoon and asked me if I wanted to go out with him. I had plans with family so I declined…later I missed a call from him and he left a message dedicating a song to me…I think I’m the only one he sees as a possibility in his fantasy every time he hears Michael Bolton sing.

Maybe I should tell him I can’t see myself in any relationship now because I’m still struggling with the memories of another MAN I used to ADORE and I don’t know why my mind keeps going back to HIM; I cut him out, I distract myself, I get on with my life and suppress the desires of even BEing in a relationship at all…and the desires come around again, especially after memories of him invade my night dreams. He is an imperfect huMAN…what is it about him that keeps my mind wondering back to him? I feel as delusional with this fantasy of him as I’m imagining Mr G is feeling FOR ME. In the REAL WORLD what does he GIVE ME?

At the HSP Gathering one of the men told me that we need each other, I’m pretty sure he meant our Meyer Briggs types…I think he was an ISTJ. The other day he sent me an e mail and wants to connect when he comes through town in a few months; I’m wondering what he could do FOR ME. Reflecting back to our meeting and the time we spent together I remember one of the first comments he made in the group was that if he started a business, he would hire only HSPs. One evening he told me that he doesn’t collect Social Security because he doesn’t need it…maybe I should focus on this relationship and what this huMAN can GIVE ME in the REAL WORLD. Maybe he’s looking for a new venture. The solutions to many issues I SEE appear so EASY, there are so many POSSIBILITIES. What I lack is the linear thinking to implement anything, an education, and the money to start…maybe I should FOCUS on what he can DO FOR ME…I hope I can do this without him wanting more. Maybe the block is that my entire life I was given the message that there is only one thing any man wants from me…

Come a little bit close

Hear what I have to say

Just like children sleepin’

We could dream this night away. 

There’s a full moon risin’

Let’s go dancin’ in the light

We know where the music’s playin’

Let’s go out and feel the night. ~Neil Young

grounding

Maybe it’s the feeling of not having a safe place to land…but what does that look like? All I know is that the past few years EVERYTHING has felt like a temporary place and today my situation feels unstable. I realize this is from never FEELing VALUE for BEing ME, never KNOWing who I AM and the VALUE I AM it’s almost laughable that I allowed everyone else to define ME.

I guess it’s taken me all this time to realize how fucked this world can be…people keep telling themselves the same fucking stories, putting their shame and blame on others; we’ve become a planet of victims wating on others to “fix” us. I would like to say, “fuck you…no, I think you’d like that too much, so EAT ME…that way the PLEASURE would BE ALL MINE…” Could it BE? Is it possible to LIVE life on this planet experiencing only the PLEASURE, LOVE and ACCEPTANCE we are all SEEking? Can this fantasy BEcome MY REALITY???

Last night was…what was it? Interesting to say the least. As I was waiting for Mr G I met a man that reminded me of someone I used to know and I’m not sure what to make up about the entire night…

On several occasions Mr G told me he wanted to kiss me and I think I finally got through to him that I needed a cognizant man in my life and I didn’t want anyone to be hurt by our relationship. I told him I don’t mind holding hands or a hug,  I kept reminding him that I could only see him as my big brother and at one point I think he finally realized how I’ve never felt PROTECTed or RESPECTed. There is a new level of realization for ME about how VULNERABLE I feel around men and how EASY it became to hide behind a jealous narc…I AM a feeling BEing SEEking PLEASURE and I realize how my actions and words can give a man the wrong idea…plus the fact that I would rather feel my own pain than feel it in another; I don’t think there is a “fix” because it’s a feeling that’s always been there. I just need to learn to use it to my advantage.

At the end of the night Mr G and I spent over an hour walking around town looking for his Jeep, I gave my cell number to two police officers and after about a half hour one of them called and said it was parked on Gurley St in an area he usually doesn’t park at…he realizes how his brain is starting to fail him and I wonder why he came into my life right now, at one time I think he could have BEen an asset IN MY LIFE.

What next? When will I FEEL there is a VALUE to living on this planet I don’t comprehend? What energy, space and consciousness will it take to feel there is something worth HOLDing ON to? What is GROUNDing ME today?

Will I see you give

More than I can take?

Will I only harvest some?

As the days fly past

Will we loose our grasp

Or fuse it in the sun?

Did she wake you up

To tell you that

It was only a change of plan?

Dream up, Dream up,

Let me fill your cup

With the promise of a man.

~Neil Young

falling down

An old couple is out for an evening stroll. They’re holding hands. Then the woman trips and falls. Her husband looks at her blankly. Then he starts walking away from her. Several other people think they saw what happened. Some think that the old man pushed her. Others judge him for not helping her and they’re disgusted by his uncaring behavior. Nobody guessed that he has Alzheimer’s disease and simply forgot she was his wife. The wife gets up by herself and starts laughing at what her life has become. ~ Rohan https://wordpress.com/read/post/feed/35062333/791447642

This morning I woke up wondering why I AM HERE…again. I AM GRATEFUL for the few hours I get alone during the day. I AM GRATEFUL for the HOME, the shelter that keeps me warm and dry. And although it can be complicated and draining at times, I AM GRATEFUL to be the ONE inBEtween. I guess it makes ME feel like a connector…I know what it’s like to be a 17 year old, feeling abandoned by a parent and starting a new year in a small town; I also know what it’s like to be a parent realizing the mistakes and the fear of letting go. I AM also GRATEFUL for the couch, the morning aches and pains remind me of EXACTLY what I don’t want from life.

When I was talking to my new friend, Mr G, the other day I told him that I saw myself as a catalyst of CHANGE. When I realized the word catalyst first resonated WITH ME a few years ago I had no idea what it would look like in the REAL WORLD sense…you know the one of commerce. If this is who I AM you would think I could find something in the matrix that would value this part of who I AM…Mr G…why did we connect?

It’s been a couple days since I’ve seen him; after I called him the other day and told him that we can only be friends he’s called me twice and asked me to come to his house and have dinner. Thankfully I have plans, I really try to be truthful and it’s easier to say that I have obligations elsewhere than tell him I’m not comfortable being alone in his house with him. I’m not sure he grasps the thought of only wanting to be friends. I’m sure he is getting lonely, his daughter wants him to buy a condo closer to her on Long Island and the thought of losing your mental faculties must be unsettling…there really isn’t anything I can do for him at this point but he can DO a lot FOR ME.

FOR ME he feels grounding and for now he feels safe, calm, relaxing. I enjoy sitting with him on the park bench, watching the cars, watching the clouds, talking to the dogs and kids that seem to gravitate towards him, and the people, even the homeless ones, that he is comfortable communicating with. He appears to ENJOY ME reading to him and he challenges ME over the issues I have a hard time explaining, I don’t feel judged…but then I also don’t know if my words are comprehended.

Not many people comprehend where I AM coming from or how my thought process works and I guess it really doesn’t matter if anyone comprehends what’s inside of ME…all I AM searching FOR is VALIDATION that it just is, I AM the only ONE that NEEDS to understand ME. I haven’t known him very long but he appears to be a bright spot in many peoples day. I hope we can remain friends.

Yesterday my BIG PLAN to connect with the marketer of the company I’m working for kind of fell through because her husband, who has Alzheimer’s, fell and was injured…I guess it’s not my time yet, I have to keep TRUSTING it will ALL fall into place EXACTLY as it should. I did connect with Mrs P and was so GRATEFUL that she didn’t want to go shopping with me; it is unsettling that I have to leave her at the front of the store while she sits and waits as I shop for her snacks…

Maybe whoever is listening is telling me I need more information before I talk to Marsha the Marketer…maybe today I’ll make a list of the pros of starting a campaign to get shopping carts for people like Mrs P. When I got home yesterday evening I finally got a response from the CarolinesCarts.com, the initial cost of the cart is $850 USD, I have no problem going to the store and asking them about purchasing at least one. I could offer to help raise money to buy one which would also promote the company I’m working for…the possibilities to this dream are endless…WHY AM I HERE? Where is the energy, space and consciousness to see these dreams COME TO FRUITION?

I’ve decided that the perfect way to stay connected with my Mom is to send her a text everyday with hearts and flowers, she is resistant to almost everything I say…texts feel safe…I AM not ALLOWING her to keep knocking ME down, I AM sure she has no idea she’s BEen doing it for almost 58 years…

WHAT IF IT’S me?

This morning I’ve been on the phone with family discussing my mothers dilemma…and I am searching for answers on how I can help her with this delusion of a life she is living…what if it isn’t about her? What if I AM THE delusional ONE?

What if my kids are hearing one more hair brained idea of mine that will never come to fruition? No one is telling me I’m wrong, I think most can see the vision on a certain level but the energy stops there…no one can go beyond a barrier…what is IT?

I realized in trying to start a system to keep track of my 3 clients, I can’t decide how to do it…there are so many options in a file folder, do I divide the 5 sections into days to keep track of when I see each client? Or do I keep track by client…then I would need something else to keep track of the day…what if I put it together and it does’t work? I’m tired of shifting gears; I end up feeling overwhelmed by the minutia of it all…where is MY FAIR EXCHANGE?

How do I keep track of it all when linear time seems to BE so elusive IN MY WORLD. I AM a DREAMER and YOU NEED ME as much as I NEED YOU…I guess a night in shinning armor can show up in any way, shape or form. If I AM the delusional ONE then send me to an institution…if not then send me a COGNIZANT, more LINEAR MIND, he/she will APPEAR exactly at the RIGHT time, is it NOW?…what is a QUEEN WITHout HER KING? Delusional? AM I the delusional one? You tell me….