I’m starting to voice my beliefs and be more open in the Facebook groups I’m in:

I’ve also stopped watching the news, the media is only there to promote fear. I’ve lost all respect for any government entity. A few years ago everything in my world started to fall apart and I started working on creating my own reality…I started believing there was a purpose for someone like me on this planet.

We are empathetic dreamers, what is our purpose here? I’m starting to see the woes as a purging of what isn’t sovereign…maybe we as a collective are here and starting to find each other to rewrite the script. I started rewriting my own life and I see many positive changes going on around me not necessarily in leaps and bounds but small things. Life is starting to change around me, there is a lot of good going on globally and I believe that promoting only the good will cause more good to happen~ME

I finally met Brooklyn face to face a few days ago…the first day we stood in the shade at the dog park for a couple of hours talking about life and beliefs. He told me about his journey, he is starting over and has allowed his life has become small the past few years, I did a Google search…his story appears legit. It’s public record, he isn’t hiding his past. I have to BELIEVE the universe is sending me exactly what I need…he sent me a copy of a book written in 1890, The Law by Frederic Bastiat

Dear Brooklyn,

Thanx for sharing this…

I have an easier time writing my opinion out rather than talking and this book has brought up a lot of stuff…you said you wanted my thoughts about it…

So far I’ve read halfway through, it makes a lot of sense and I totally resonate with the concept, always have…I did tell you that when I was 10 I started losing respect for government and it just keeps getting better. One of my issues has always been that I see what’s happening and feel that most people either don’t care or they are just brainwashed and blind. 

Did you get a chance to read the link I sent? I see it as the end result of the manipulation and control.

It’s been almost 50 years now that I’ve seen/felt/heard this…not just about government control but life in general which I’m sure has been perpetuated by the laws. Although I’m grateful to know why it’s affected me so intensely, you know the HSP thing, it doesn’t make it better and I’m really starting to feel overwhelmed…

To me you are an amazing man, Brooklyn, I so admire your intelligence and…well you know what you do to me…the ride is exciting and frightening all at the same time. I’m not sure what’s happening…one of my many gifts is over processing, I have a need to make sense of everything and right now there is no sense. I’m starting to feel the weight of the world falling on me and feeling kind of helpless…I did tell you I have a savior complex, maybe crazy, but I AM aware it is MY esoterical WORLD…maybe it’s just that everything feels so broken and I don’t have all the answers…I keep telling myself I don’t need to know it all.

I get off at 2:00 today and thinking I should get lost in the woods and try to ground myself or maybe I just need to be held…any ideas?


Sit back and enjoy the ride…

I tell him I’m a High Sensation Seeker…his reply is always, “I’m a High Sensation Giver”. He also appears to be a PLEASURE giver and appears to have total respect for ME. I even stayed the night at his house and he honored my boundaries, I told him I needed time and he said he has a lot of time…I’m so intimidated by this huMAN to the point that I’m afraid to cook for him because he does it so well on his own…he is constantly saying things that lead me to believe he is making room FOR ME in his LIFE, we’ve even discussed adding a bathtub in his HOME…outside…he is a DREAMer too…

There’s a world you’re living in,

No one else has your part.

All God’s children in the wind

Take it in and blow hard.

Look around it, have you found it

Walking down the avenue?

See what it brings,

Could be good things

In the air for you ~ Neil Young



Most sensitive souls tend to feel guilty when they establish boundaries, even if they’re healthy ones. They may wonder if they are judging the other too harshly and unfairly, especially if others take well to them. The sensitive person may try to overcompensate by compromising their standards, try too hard to please the other out of fear that he or she knows they don’t completely trust/like them, or suppress their intuition altogether.

My words of encouragement to you are this: PUT YOURSELF FIRST, PLEASE!

It’s okay to protect yourself. It’s okay to be a little (or very) suspicious. It’s okay if that person knows you don’t trust them. You don’t owe anyone your trust. Trust is earned, not given by coercion or force. ~ unknown

I think I got rid of Rifle, I sent him a text after he sent 3 texts last night:

ME: Good morning. Thanx for the evening, the flowers were a nice touch, they still look and smell wonderful this morning.

He replied telling me about his hot tub and the beautiful view of the fog this morning…sounds like HEAVEN to me…I’m trying to let him down easy…maybe I should have left during the Meade and salmon bruschetta when he said he would never go to the UK because of all the Muslims. I told him my DIL was a Mid East Muslim and he kind of discarded the conversation. I guess I was giving him the benefit of the doubt…this morning I ended up sending him a picture of my 5-year-old granddaughter:

ME: I wanted to share this with you…this is my youngest grand-daughter she is Muslim…I have some concerns that you have issues with other beliefs.

Haven’t heard from him since…

Now I’m going to take another risk…

Dear Lila,

I am mourning the loss of one of my role models in life this morning, Yogi Berra died yesterday.

Happy Birthday Libra.

When is your birthday?


Dear Brooklyn,

I’m so sorry…

Do you know anything about Empaths? This is something I’ve been dealing with for the past 3 years, when I first thought about it I looked in the dictionary and before the definition it stated, “(mainly fictional characters)” LOL…I call stuff like this mind fucks…I guess I’ve always felt like a fictional character.

Loss of a role model…that is one feeling I can’t relate to…who are my role models? Fairy God Mothers?

Wanting to see such great things in this world, wanting to FEEL PEACE all my life and yet the inconsistencies are always there…

Happy birthday…another feeling I can’t relate to…I don’t think there was anything happy about the day I was born…no ones fault, I was just born in my families storm…all I can BELIEVE is that this is the experience I asked for on this planet.

I also ended up not celebrating the anniversary of my children’s births…I always tried to celebrate my children in other ways and feel I was denied it so many times because the narc had to have control of everything. If it didn’t serve him then it was USEless…and I wonder why I allowed him to discard ME, I felt so worthless as a HUMAN…I gave up years ago trying to create another reality.

All my life I dreamt of BEing the grandmother I never knew…I didn’t grow up around or know any extended family, I never felt like part of a tribe, and always felt so alone. I always felt that if I had a grandparent around, their house would be a refuge for PEOPLE LIKE ME. That is one of the dreams that died many years ago…but I can vision holding that space for so many people now.

I cry a lot over HUMANS BEing mined like gold…the control and manipulation over monetary gain, we are all slaves to this system. I don’t comprehend it. I have a savior complex, I think I have ideas that would help save the planet but no one BELIEVEs IT’S POSSIBLE…

So I guess the answer to your question is I’m not really that HAPPY about BEing in a world I don’t comprehend but I try to make the BEST of it especially now because I know there is a reason I AM HERE…I just don’t know what it is.

I really am sorry for your feeling of loss but lately I’ve had so many FEELings of not wanting to BE HERE I see him in a better place. Not that I would take my own life but I guess I’m just kind of tired of unfulfilled DREAMs…

I’m working hard on not putting any attachments on anything or anyone, all I’m searching for right NOW is something/someone to GROUND ME…I couldn’t tell you what that looks like in the REAL WORLD but I could tell you how it feels…

Have a Beautiful Day


…Pleasure is powerful medicine indeed. We know this to be true because our bodies are actually wired to repair and renew themselves optimally when we are happy. To be ageless is to know the incredible power of pleasure to better our lives and the lives of people around us. When women choose pleasure, pleasure becomes abundant for everyone. ~unknown


Part of what I have come to call an “Empowered HSP” is educating oneself about the research available which accurately defines SPS (Sensory Process Sensitivity). This usually results in internal changes of self-acceptance, awareness of needs, boundary settings and developing a plan for knowing when and how to be out in the world. It also involves becoming aware of our own values, belief and perceptions, including a belief that we can have opinions, thoughts and feelings that may be different from mainstream, without assuming that we are wrong. ~ Jacquelyn Strickland LPC

12/13/2015…this is the date heading my new journal entry…where did this come from? It’s clearly 9/23/2015…I’m trusting that there is a meaning…I just don’t know…I’m also trusting that the men showing up have the best intentions. I’m starting to feel real vulnerable today…I’m kind of liking this guy, he’s actually reading about HSP and for some reason old wounds around being so passive and vulnerable are showing up again…I’m not feeling so powerful today.

Hey Brooklyn,

Your are right until we meet we will never know…I’m impressed that you looked up my big words and that you are interested and actually reading about HSP, takes some pressure off of me trying to explain it all. Of course we are all individuals so it doesn’t always apply to me…here’s a few things about me:

Not all loud noise bothers me, yelling bothers me and constant repetitive noises like from machines or over bearing people talking can drain me.   

I have a hard time making decisions, even in a restaurant. For me it’s not about making a wrong decision but about the choices are all appealing so most of the time I let someone else choose.

A lot of people will come to me with their problems mostly because I help them get a different perspective of their issues yet I have a hard time focusing and resolving my own.

I am passive and don’t comprehend competition, (things this system values)…so I guess one thing I’m looking for in a partner would be an alpha personality.

I also trust too much which is another thing that I don’t understand…how can anyone be untrustworthy? LOL most of us think everyone wants the same things we do…

I have a very active innerworld, LOL I’m a Superhero too… 

I’ve read your profile a few times…always makes me laugh. You’re funny, I like “quasi-crazy/kinky (according to society) completely sane (in the eyes of the sovereign-minded)”…I’m stealing it 

Well I have my first date with someone I met on this site tonight…trying hard to “out” my introvert. I’ve only been on a handful of dates and had a couple very short relationships in the past year. I really don’t enjoy dating but I’m still working on confidence and need to explore my options…trusting that the universe is sending me exactly what I need right now.

 ….you like my feet …tee hee


He sent a message indicating I was an internet dating virgin which isn’t true:

Hi again Brooklyn,

Sorry I wasn’t too clear on this, it’s not my very first internet date …June of 2014 I had a profile on POF…went on 2 dates. I had an 8 hour lunch with one guy and ended up in a relationship for about a month it ended because he went back with an old girlfriend. Then when I was in the UK he started Skyping me again, I didn’t ask but assumed they weren’t seeing each other..when we were together she seemed to be stalking him, even showing up on his back patio in the middle of the night…he said she kept calling him by another name when his sister was visiting…I guess I just assumed he deserved someone who respected his boundaries and knew his name. Also he kept saying he was selling his bike because she didn’t like riding…I think he was lying to me about a lot of issues.

After a couple weeks of Skyping I saw a pic of him with her on a Meetup page riding on his bike…I felt betrayed for me and sad for her…I’m still not sure what the attraction to him was but just recently I was able to let that go, we really didn’t have the same goals and I think part of it was that I was feeling really needy at that time and there was no closure when it did end…maybe I do trust too much…


I’m actually kind of creeping over the triangulation he pulled me into and for some reason the feeling of being betrayed is coming up again. I wonder if she even knows about me…he denied that he did anything wrong but I think I would feel betrayed if my boyfriend pleasured himself while Skyping with another woman…but that’s just me…maybe I’m wrong.

I went to dinner with Cherokee, he seems a little over eager still and I’m not sure if I was comfortable with him holding my hand, he was a nice guy, even brought me flowers he picked from his yard…I didn’t feel a spark, definitely not my type…

When I got home I noticed that Brooklyn sent me a text asking how my date went, if I was in love and if he should go away…

We ended up texting most of the night, he ended it writing that he was glad I didn’t fall in love…


Now this morning I’m feeling very vulnerable and exposed…where is the POWER in feeling so weak in a world you don’t comprehend?


Four constant connections so far…and I wonder if my words are different from last year…it was 14 months ago that I decided to start an online profile…my intention at that time was just to get comfortable talking to men in general; living with a jealous man didn’t leave much freedom to communicate with others…and he didn’t care about my perception of the world, my ideas were stupid and everyone that didn’t agree with him were idiots…his loss. I want to be open and honest with everyone now, he was the polar opposite of ME and now I’m searching for someone the polar opposite of him.

Hi Brooklyn, 

Nice to meet you. Thanx…I appreciate you googling my big words.

I never knew who I was and ended up hiding behind a narcissist for 35 years LOL…I’ve been through a lot of crazy, the only way I was able to make sense of it all was to believe that before I came here I asked for the experiences, now I’m searching for the polar opposite and it’s actually kind of frightening at times. 

I’m not concerned about the “stuff” in life, I like experiences and helping others. I’d rather be in a foreign country working on a project than being in a 5 star resort…I’m different than most women I know. 

I appreciate the connection


He replied this morning…so I wrote back…

Hi Again Brooklyn: 

I lived close to the Hassayampa in Wickenburg for years, one time after a storm I watched a house get stuck under the bridge…bet it’s beautiful up here. I like rainy days.

I like balance too, I guess my dream vacation would  be doing a project (maybe even helping in a disaster area) then going to the 5 star resort and pampering myself for a job well done…I’ve even thought about starting a resort of my own 🙂 

I used to be an altruistic person…LOL that’s how I ended up with a narc. The past few years I’ve learned that I’m the only one that needs to be happy; if I’m happy, everyone’s happy 🙂 One of the gifts of being an HSP is that I want to take care of everyone, I’m still kind of learning my limits and know when I’m being taken advantage of…LOL It’s a wonderful gift.

How was the river this morning? I used to have 2 goldens and a beagle, they loved the river. What kind of dogs do you have?


…I wonder if his guy still has a NY accent. The guy I’m meeting tonight sounds more Southern. I’m not sure if the a Southern accent resonates with me, actually it reminds me of a past I want to forget…but I’m not sure what that is…strange how feelings just come up out of no where.

I’m working on ACCEPTING; TRUSTING, that there is someone who would want to support ME, that is searching for a mutual exchange…I have absolutely no idea what that would LOOK like in the REAL WORLD, I’ve never felt that life was about ME and my needs…I’m feeling a little vulnerable today, a little scared…maybe I’m afraid to let my sadness show…I’d love to feel safe in someones arms right now and it still feels like a long ways to go, I know the walls I put up between me and the world…how does that equate to RECEIVING? To feel this vulnerable to just anyone does’t feel safe…

I just got another message; someone else wants to meet me at the square, possibly Thursday…I don’t know if I AM really READY for this dance…but to stay in this state of flux is starting to feel like my own personal hell…ACCEPTING; TRUSTING; BELIEVING that what I need will show up exactly when I AM READY


What does PEACE FEEL like? I really do try to bring it into the world of others, I aspire to be that mirror to others…help other to see their own greatness and help them end their own discord…I guess what I’m looking for are willing participants to find their own PEACE once I help them identify the incongruencies I SEE…I hope its time to move on, I AM ready for a different kind of challenge, I AM searching for a different high. I AM SEEking PEACE…

I decided to meet Cherokee for dinner, he seems a little over eager. After a few messages he wrote something about not falling in love with someone before he got back from his weeked trip…I responded with a LOL…he wrote that he was serious as hell. Over the weekend he sent a few texts with pictures, one of them he was in and I’m thinking that his profile pictures were taken years ago.

Yesterday morning we talked on the phone, he sounds intelligent, he has a kayak and likes to take it out on Watson Lake during full moons, has a house on a hill…he likes to go to San Diego…

I’ve been wondering if I should take a trip to SD soon, my friend and maybe future partner is living there. Kate Gardner, my former coach and 6 time International Best Seller on Amazon, is there for a few weeks, her first time in the States. I met her in person when I was in the UK…She is a great promoter, I just wish I had something for her to promote right now…

Cherokee wants to meet me at the fountain today around 4:30, glad he likes to eat early…I have to keep TRUSTing that what I need is showing up…this search has to be ending soon.

This time POF is sending huMEN that seem more intelligent, I’m corresponding with at least 2 guys each night…

Dear Fungi,

I think it was Robin Williams who said, “I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up alone. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” 

I know that I can come off as being aloof or uncaring a lot of times, part of being me is that I have a tendency to over process. I don’t take things at face value and always trying to see things at every angle and it does take time for me to let my guard down…self preservation 🙂 


I think I KNOW who I AM and what most of my needs are, I KNOW my STRENGTHS and KNOW where I AM WEAK, I BElieve I AM READY for the next book to BE written. Just like the last books, it will be messy, poor grammar and many mistakes. It will BE and always has BEen written with LOVE…I AM only HUMAN…is this stage of the journey over?


The inner world of an INFJ is so much more than what you see on the outside but it takes time for them to reveal that side to others. INFJs have an innate ability to develop rich inner worlds they can retreat to when the outside world becomes too much. Their inner-self closely mimics the personality of an ENFP – energetic, fearless, outgoing. It’s not that they have a problem bringing these two sides of themselves together to be a thoughtful, witty, outgoing person in social settings, but it usually isn’t until they feel comfortable with people to really show their true personality. ~

I have 90 minutes to live…what do I want? What is it that I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want out of this life? I guess I want my children and grand kids to know that it doesn’t matter who THEY ARE, they are all LOVED and to treat themselves as if they are the most important BEings, that just BEing here is their gift to the planet and to play NICE with others…walk away from those that don’t value you.

What have I really taught my children?

I know I’ve put myself in this state of flux and life has become boring and routine, I’ve been regularly texting three guys from POF and  I guess I’ll always be searching for another high…I AM a CREATOR…what’s next? What’s the use of BEing me if there is no one to help me follow through with these dreams? The only thing I see in Prescott now is a hostel…a restaurant…maybe both. There is nothing indicating that either of these are possible, what’s the use of writing it all down?

I remember in my late 20’s starting to write down ideas but no one supported me, he was good with facts and figures, he could do a construction bid, calculate drugs…he helped a lot of students, teaching them math. LOL he couldn’t help MY KIDS…he saw no VALUE in helping them unless he needed cheap labor. He was always taking MY BOYS out of school to help him with his building projects, I don’t think he ever paid them what they were worth. He would always criticize their teachers, “If they were smart, they wouldn’t be teaching high school”…why did I stay so long? I never had opinions that were validated…always being discounted…

Then there was MY DAUGHTER who was given the message that all women that have an opinion were cunts, girls that drew too much attention to themselves were sluts, whores…She has always been smart and very WOMANly, I feel she is trapped in a village that PLACEs no VALUE on HER in the REAL WORLD…

I guess I’m feeling sad today because of the misplaced desires…this time last year I was still holding on to the hope that a huMAN would want to CREATE a DREAM with ME…I held on to the hope that the anklets I wore would help me stay grounded…you know that story…I found the ring that fit my fuck you finger…it’s gone too. I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything; no memories…no orgasmic feelings…even the memories of holding my babies and the dreams I had for them are non-existent…

I guess I gave up when the Jaegermeister never called…I think someone told me he was a professor and I thought he would be good to have in my life for deep conversation…maybe it’s a good thing…WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE IF I CAN’T LET GO OF THIS FEELING?

I’ve BEen praying for weeks to whoever is listening for another fantasy, another dream…this is a very strange place to BE…no matter how down I’ve felt I think I’ve always had some kind of escape, not today…there is no face, no body to this DREAM.

I think a guy wants to meetup with me today, I told him to call after 11am…after texting for the past 3 days, I have absolutely no feelings, no connection but I have to do it, I’m TRUSTING that what I need is showing up and right now there are only a couple of connections outside of this cage showing up.

I keep raising the bar, trying to understand the confusion, I’ve been told a few times recently by a few people that my perception has helped them…I’m tired of trying to make sense my own life especially when I keep getting pulled into the confusion of others and trying to help them…where do I go next?

Maybe this guy, he likes to cook…

Dear J

I don’t know what to call him… it’s becoming too much of an effort to even think of another name.

Tonight’s menu:

 Deep green house salad topped with roasted egg-plant, sesame seeds and creamy bleu cheese 

Roast beef slices smothered in a wine/stock reduction infused with Greek yogurt and sliced, slightly caramelized onions 

Sweet deep purple potato mash seasoned with butter

And a glass of Smoking Loon Pinot


Place setting for one…What’s the use if there is no one to share it with? I can’t even visualize this guy EATing this meal with ME…


Psychonavigate – To travel through the psyche to a place where you need to be.

Some empaths struggle so desperately in this sea of lost self that they begin to question their mental health and are often labeled by professionals as having Borderline Personality Disorder or Dissociative Personality Disorder, which only worsens their problem. When diagnosed with such disorders, the empath is left believing that the emotions they are feeling are completely of their own creation and that their lack of ability to hold onto their self is, in actuality, a personal failure as opposed to revealing the truth of what is happening and giving them tools to control it, in turn finding themselves and shaking off any self-doubt or confidence crushing labels.

The truth is these empaths are not struggling with personality disorders, nor are they incapable of having and holding onto a sense of who they are. They are merely lacking the understanding, they can pause, regroup, reconnect with themselves and continue forward… Jennifer Solder

As much as I’m trying to get out, BE SEEN, BE HEARD, I still feel in a state of flux…if I knew who I was as a child, if someone would have recognized this about me then maybe I wouldn’t feel this struggle today but who are “they”? …the professionals I trusted? My teachers? The world in general?

Today I think someone is angry at me because I held back information regarding what someone else was doing, if I feel things will lead to uncomfortable conversation, I plead ignorance…I know a lot of things and like many HUMANS LIKE ME about 95% if the time I AM RIGHT…I don’t know how, I just do.

I put up walls and hold people back a lot mostly because I feel conflict when I sense ulterior motives. The narc was always so good at using information as fuel for his attacks, he really taught me a lot about discretion…it’s the competition thing again…funny that every time I’ve been writing the word competition it comes out as COMPLETION. Is this a sign? MayBE it is MY TIME…I have no attachments as to how it happens…just make it painless, out of my range of vision and peaceful…there is nothing more for ME here if there isn’t anyone to share a dream with, there is no road map. I AM TRUSTING the universe has my back, I don’t feel passion for anything today…I’ll be 58 soon and I AM tired of holding on to these dreams…

This Prophecy most likely originated in the Amazon thousands of years ago, but Indigenous people in Columbia and Guatemala and around the world foretell similar events. The prophecy says that deep in the mists of history, human societies decided to take two routes and become two different people: The Eagle people and the Condor people. 

The Eagle people, according to the prophecy, are mind-oriented, industrial and related to masculine energy, often identified with science and technology. They have been the explorers, the colonists, and the aggressors in the records of history.

The Condor people are intuitive, creative, feeling and related more to feminine energy. Indigenous people have usually identified with this path, as they prioritize the heart above the brain, and mysticism over rationalism in their cultures.

The prophecy says that for many years these two paths would not cross at all. Every five hundred years there is an era called (in Quechua, the language of the Andes) a Pachakuti. According to the prophecy, during the Fourth Pachakuti (about 1500), they would come together and the Eagle would be so strong as to practically drive the Condor into extinction-but not quiet. And we know that, following Columbus, this is what happened on many continents. However, the Fifth Pachakuti (about 2000) would create a portal for the Eagle and Condor to fly together in one sky, to mate and create a new offspring; higher human consciousness. Some say that this offspring is represented by the quetzal of Central America, the Mayan bird. In any case, this new consciousness, it was foretold, would bring together the heart and mind, art and science, male and female. And we see that the reality of this new progeny is being realized, in workshops, books, and teachings all over the planet.

The Prophecy foretells of a time of powerful reconciliation and alignment between the two paths, the two peoples. We will become one people with a shared purpose, bringing the different aspects and strengths of each together for greater power and passion… John Perkins

I stay in this fantasy hoping at least ONE huMAN will resonate with this dream. I feel like I’ve lived in my own personal hell on this planet for as long as I’ve been alive. I got a request from someone to look at a closed blog of mine, “ptsd No Longer Gets An Uppercase In MY LIFE” I read the last entry and it’s brought up a lot of forgotten crap for me today:

February 18, 2014:

Dear Lila,

First off, I wasn’t trying to mock you. I was sincere about what I said to you. I didn’t think that you would want a dinner conversation about other things. I do respect what you were studying, I just stated that I could probably be open to it, That is all I meant. I was just trying to open a dialogue with you and maybe find a neutral grounding, that’s it, don’t’ read anything else into it.

I was just trying to reach out and I realized that indeed you were pouring your heart out to me. I wasn’t trying to look after my “own needs”, I’m sorry you took it this way, that was never my intention, I just thought you didn’t’ want to address it at supper. This is the problem with emails, you don’t ever get an emotional feel behind the words. I didn’t know that what I wrote would get the responses I just got from you, nor was that my intention. I can’t talk to you on the phone so this is it.

I’ve been through my own crisis too but I wasn’t going to bore you with the details. Some things are best addressed face to face and I thought this would be a starting point for good dialogue between us. I guess I was wrong. Again, sorry for the misunderstanding. I really wasn’t trying to disrespect or mock you.

Love Brad

This from the man who totally ignored every ounce of advice I’d given him, discounted my feelings and when I realized that the words he judged others with were like arrows hitting my heart it only got worse. He promised me for years that if I didn’t work, didn’t invest my money he would provide, he would invest in MY retirement…and I settled because…I don’t even want to go there again…It’s all in the story and I don’t want to read it again…bastard that he is, he still has some control BEcause what should have been my SOLE and SEPARATE PROPERTY is now spousal support…I got a third of it until I retire or get married, or he dies…misogynist that he is, he won’t pay off the last credit card debt, he still has a hold of my finances to a degree…one of us needs to BE GONE…let it BE ME.