I AM ME

Today this is who I AM…

I watched a video of Jenna Forrest talking about suicidal feelings or spiritual death. She talked about how many of us have been dangling out there with no direction and not getting help…feeling isolated and alone, needing to feel a purpose especially in the past 5-7 years… is this what she really said? I guess sometimes I’m still feeling delusional but I know I’m not the only one with these feelings. She talked about herself and others wanting to end our lives because we don’t want to be in this world anymore.

I understood why Robin Williams ended his life, I actually admired his courage at that time. I feel he was tired of trying to help others SEE another REALITY. I’ve been working hard on focusing on a BEtter outCOME FOR ME…not holding on to expectations and HOLDing on to the BElief that EVERYTHING is working FOR my GREATER GOOD…I’ve worked hard trying to LET GO of outcomes and allow life to unfold KNOWING it is ALL for a greater GOOD.

I AM finding that it’s easier to detach from people places or things than to continue in their drama and to BE living in the midst of it ALL can be wearing at times…especially when I AM working hard to keep up my ENERGY, get out of my head, focus on my body and… I guess today I AM starting to feel a little overwhelmed…

Dear Brookyn,

I know the news is horrible and don’t want to minimize what is going on…part of the ptsd was from being captive hearing FOX News at least 8 hours a day. At times I feel delusional but it’s become easier to detach from what isn’t serving my greater good, all I want to do right now is be a 5 year old and believe in fairy tales and focus on a better outcome.

One pivotal time in my journey was when I saw a picture of a baby being crushed under the bare feet of a man…I had to accept that there is a reason for it all and that something greater than me was in charge, this is not my world and all I can do is learn to love unconditionally. The past few years have been walking away, or limiting my interaction with a lot of people in my life because they become draining. People always tell me their problems and ask for advice yet their behavior never changes so I end up feeling like a dumping ground for their fears. It’s become easier to isolate and be stuck in my own fantasy…something I’m still working on. The only thing I can change is my perception of the world, accepting that there is a reason for it all and stop the negative energy by imagining I am a river and letting it flow through me, or putting up energy shields. Most of the time it works…and at times I just want to shut down because it takes more energy than I have…just another great thing about being an Empath 🙂

I remember in one of your first notes you wrote that you were grounding in so many ways…you are right. I really think we will be good business partners, you are grounding in many ways. I really appreciate you and I appreciate your help

xxx

SPOT-ON

How many days have I lost? Once again I’ve lost days of writing and that’s OK, I guess if it really mattered I’d spend the money on an external backup. Every purchase I make anymore has become a calculated decision, “Will this BE for MY GREATER GOOD?“ I AM learning to LOVE whatever is showing up in my life at this moment and BELIEVE the past experiences are just part of the journey, nothing good, nothing bad, it just was…

I’ve been spending weekends at his house, working on my food plan. We aren’t eating dairy for a month. He takes his dogs for long walks in the forest and I hike along when I’m there…LOL I think my bare feet intrigue him… PLUS we are creating a business.

Four days a week I spend in the matrix…I keep thinking about how I had so many dreams for this house when I first moved in. The DREAMS and DESIRES were only MINE. This week after three days living in a DREAM with him, I came back home and had to clean my room from the clutter someone else created, move boxes just so I could get into my closet, clear off counter and table space so I could cook…this doesn’t FEEL LIKE HOME anymore…and yet my dream space feels too new, I told Brooklyn the other day that I do have TRUST issues, that I still read articles about how to spot narcs and sociopaths and still haven’t seen him in the descriptions.

I’ve found one thing we don’t fully agree on, he still has some issues regarding his past. Yesterday morning I kind of offended him and promised him that I would never again try to convince him that the past few years of HIS LIFE have BEen a BLESSING. This is something he would need to see for himself, there is nothing I need to “fix”. Periodically he tells me stories about his journey, I think he has a wonderful story to tell but he’s not ready for it.

That’s OK I don’t see him holding on to a lot of anger over his event…maybe this will be the deciding factor. We have a three month agreement the contract ends officially on December 24. I AM working on finding the GREATER GOOD in everything that shows up.

Yesterday I told him we should make a contract, when it’s no longer FUN we will dissolve the partnership. Nothing is in writing but he appears to agree…I’m working hard on staying in the moment, no future forecasting the details, knowing what I want and I will stand by my word of having FUN with HIM. It’s been 48 days since we first met. We have many common goals, he even sent me notes from his years of online dating profiles…can you BELIEVE that he stated that one of his goals in life is to BE the BEST HUMAN POSSIBLE?

WE started working on branding and business cards. HE chose Pegasus as a mascot:

The symbolic meaning of the horse is pretty intense with themes of power and mobility. The horse alone also carries archetypal themes of unifying grounded stability (four feet on the ground) with higher ideals (from speed and mobility). This theme really comes to life when we add wings to the horse. The pterippus, or winged horse, is a symbol of aspiring to the greatest heights of accomplishment. These beasts embody the concept of harnessing magic in the material plane. That’s right, altering the physical matter via nonphysical methods. These kinds of feats are accomplished by swallowing whole the reality of our physical presence and balancing that with our (mostly) nonphysical nature/essence.

That’s heavy. To help grasp those implications, Pegasus offers great analogy because of the dichotomy it offers. Grounded by the stability of its body, yet in flight by the ephemeral power of its wings. High and low (mind and body). Pegasus (white in color) stands for clarity of mind, and how clean mental focus combined with stable footing can transform our lives in magical ways. http://www.whats-your-sign.com/meaning-of-wings.html

How can life get better than this?

I AM learning to LOVE whatever presents itself, right now it’s learning to love the confusion of all the stuff in the “real” world, learning to LOVE it ALL. I FEEL like I’ve let go of so much to get out of the matrix and looking back I see how letting go of trying to control outcomes has worked for MY GREATEST GOOD…

MY STORY is starting to feel like MY WILDEST DREAMS are BEGINning to COME TRUE.

EYE OF THE STORM

Its been a while…I’m having a hard time realizing what’s been happening in MY LIFE…today I realize that I AM going through my own personal STORM. How long have I BEen PRAYing FOR a project? How long have I BEen saying how old the story of my life felt and that I was ready for another chapter to begin?

This morning my first task is to first work on a pattern for the welding project that I abandoned so many years ago…it took a long time to get over that wound. I guess there is a sense of fear of what it could BEcome…the agony of defeat comes to mind and heart when I start thinking about resurrecting this old friend…plus never experiencing the FEELing of BEing fully SUPPORTed in my endeavors. This is a HUGE LEAP FOR ME. I don’t know what this looks like in the REAL WORLD but feel like I AM ready to SHINE…

Last night I told someone about my new purchases…someone that is always talks about lacking money but constantly purchasing “stuff” and the response was anything but supportive. Keeping her head down while going through her mail she said, “YOU must have come into some money”, this from someone that will spend money home decor even though her home is filled to the max with “stuff”, I realize it’s a generational thing…it’s not about ME.

What was my big purchases? A coat my new friend found on Cragslist for me and UGG boots…$85.00 USD on EBay, two things I don’t have and need for the cold weather that will be here by the end of the month. Her response prompted me to once again tell her that I would be willing to pay for something other than groceries…I realize that she VALUEs WHO I AM, and at the same time I think there is some jealousy, especially when my life appears to be moving in a different direction…she was very supportive when I spent almost all my savings for a 2 week trip to Canada a few months ago…did I REALLY make the SHIFT? AM I starting to see the movement I’ve BEen asking for in MY LIFE? Is MY STORY of SUCCESS going be the biggest gossip in the Burg? Will my story BEcome the polar opposite of what I left? MayBE my story will help other Empaths to recognize and get out of narcissistic relationships. MayBE my story will encourage others like me to find themselves…and my mind goes back to THE REFUGE…

FOCUS; FOCUS; FOCUS…one thing at a time, RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW I have 4 projects to work on; OUR new blog/book, OUR welding project, OUR nutritional plan, MY j.o.b. (journey of broke), and then…

Last night my son in OH sent me a text saying that his wife wants to start making soap and wants my help…I told him to have her contact me yet still haven’t heard from her…what else have I BEen asking FOR? Someone that wants to learn the soap business? I AM letting go of this outcome also. If she wants it bad enough, if this DREAM of mine is to BE a REALITY it will happen with minimal effort from ME, I can teach her a lot about the business but I AM letting go of THIS DREAM…without support, I know I can’t to it all and I AM not wasting my time on another failed project if I don’t FEEL the ENERGY.

My mind keeps going back to the experience in Canada when I got lost in the forest at the HSP Gathering; the forest doesn’t need me, I need the forest if I AM to survive on this planet…RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW my SOUL PURPOSE is to find HUMANS to SUPPORT ME…LOL I just realized how many years I’ve rejected others because I SEE/FEEL/HEAR the inconsistencies and yet I AM unAWARE of MY OWN. I think I’ve always focused on how I can serve others, how I can help you feel BEtter, only BEcause I want to FEEL GOOD BEing around you…

For the past few years life has become a series of walking away from the people, places and things that don’t serve my purpose…I AM learning how to take care of myself and accept that the universe is taking care of my every need…KNOWING that what I AM asking for will show up EXACTLY at the RIGHT TIME and learning to ACCEPT the help from others…I’ve BEen asking for more positive movement…will I BE able to handle everything presenting itself RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW? This is a good storm to BE in the middle of…TAPPING, TAPPING, TAPPING…I AM THE CALM in the storm…The UNIVERSE is sending me EXACTLY what I need at the right time…