Onism-n. the frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time, which is like standing in front of the departures screen at an airport, flickering over with strange place names like other people’s passwords. Each representing one more thing you’ll never get to see before you die-and all because, as the arrow on the map helpfully points out, you are here~jkcreative
BE HERE NOW is the mantra being perpetuated all over the world…isn’t this a contradiction to a multidimensional BEing LIKE ME???
This morning I realized how bad I was yesterday. My roommate knows that going to Matt’s Saloon is drudgery to me. I finally got her to go to The Raven and listen to another type of music. We heard The Cheek Tones at the square this summer, she bought a CD so I know she liked them. We went and had a couple drinks and nachos (all organic)…afterwards she had to go have another drink at Matt’s before we went home. We danced a couple times, part of her plan is to get under another cowboy…funny that the dance floor was full of lesbians, I think it was a sign… She fell before we went shopping yesterday. My inside was happy.
She thought that since she went to The Raven with me, I would be going to Matt’s the next night. She knows I have a thing about crowds and over stimulation, it’s rare that I have the energy to do two events in a row…like her mother, she has a way of guilting people into things and knows I don’t often say, “NO”…I guess I have an odd way of getting out of things… passive aggressive? I knew she would be pretty sore if she didn’t rest but knew it would be to my advantage because she would be too sore to go out.
I feel guilty for not encouraging her to recover from her fall because I know how important it is for her to go out, but it was her decision to go to Costco. Besides that, I haven’t been to a Costco since Hawaii. We ended up spending over $200. I AM GRATEFUL…we looked at all the organics and compared the pro’s and con’s, Sparklets had a vendor there and she ordered water delivery (her daughter told me that her mother said tap water was fine). Our cart was mostly organics and nongmo…things are shifting, I’m not trying to control a thing, just allowing it to happen.
I feel like maybe the block is feeling like I don’t look the part yet…I found some vintage clothes in a resale store last week. I’d like to buy a couple things but not sure what I’ll be doing or where I’ll be in a month…or if I’ll be giving my 2 week notice to my soul sucking job.
I know I’ve changed a lot. I rarely frown anymore. People come to me with problems and I try to smile the whole time and usually ask them, “what could be better than this?
While waiting for my divorce I ended up in the town I prayed for years to get out of. Some people didn’t know who I was, told me how great I looked, heard my story…and then disappeared. One woman I went to school with mistook me for my 36 year old daughter…in her defense she wasn’t wearing her glasses. She was actually the only one that gave me her phone number and invited me to the Fireman’s dinner…uuuggghhhh firemen…after I wish I would have went because I found out that a couple of the soon to be ex’s workmates were working part time on that fire department…LESSON LEARNED…I’m starting to feel comfortable at accepting whatever presents its self. She does intimidate me though I’m a few days older than her…she was always afraid of aging I bet she’s in her early 50’s now, at least that’s probably the story she tells others. She deals with a lot of incongruencies…she doesn’t even know…if people want to be in my life, maybe they should pay me…it takes a lot of energy trying to be a mirror to others. I AM TAKING IT BACK…
DEAR…I don’t even know who you are…
Who is guiding me? Who is putting me in this feeling of freely floating though the world? Of course not perfectly, I AM still learning to survive in this world I don’t comprehend. I PROMISE I AM trying to BE the BEST HUMAN POSSIBLE.
PLEASE HELP ME REALIZE THE VALUE IN BEing ME…I’m paying someone else to BE a part of their life…and they are draining ME…When can I BE in CHARGE?
Thanx for all the BLESSINGs you have given ME…Thanx for all the LESSONS on what I don’t WANT in LIFE…Thanx for creating ME as a contradiction according to 80% of HUMANity….Thanx for putting me on a planet full of he shallow swimmers who appear to be taken in by the things that glitter and glow, the ones that are afraid of the shame, blame, guilt… the unaware ones that are allowing themselves to be lured in to the memes that keep perpetuating…Thanx for keeping me in the dark about who I AM for so many years.
Thanx for the fight to take back my birth name and making me keep HEARD…the names that never worked for me.
Remember a few years ago when I asked to be on the mission of spreading MEMEs? I even built a parked webpage for you…That dream died too, remember? I don’t even like the word anymore it’s become overused and many times out of context.
Thanx for making ME realize how selfish that made ME…mayBE it isn’t all about ME ME ME anymore…mayBE IT is all about WE WE WE…
Thanx for allowing ME to carry this FREAK flag for YOU today…I don’t even know who YOU ARE…
I keep thinking about my high school friend, there were only three who invited me into their world when I returned to the Burg. I used to think she was a good friend. I didn’t accept her offer…I walked away from a lot of people in that Burg. I don’t comprehend how anyone claiming to HAVE FAITH in a LOVING GOD can be so deceptive? What is the fear in telling others who WE really are? I’m not saying I AM perfect but people are so clueless as to how THOUGHTS, WORDS, ACTIONS are POWER…maybe this is IT?
I think I’ll be taking a trip soon…for two days in a row my computer and cell phone have been switching to airplane mode, I wonder where I AM GOING NOW…delusional? Or AM I? Is this life REAL or is IT or is it memorex?