ONISM

Onism-n. the frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time, which is like standing in front of the departures screen at an airport, flickering over with strange place names like other people’s passwords. Each representing one more thing you’ll never get to see before you die-and all because, as the arrow on the map helpfully points out, you are here~jkcreative

BE HERE NOW is the mantra being perpetuated all over the world…isn’t this a contradiction to a multidimensional BEing LIKE ME???

This morning I realized how bad I was yesterday. My roommate knows that going to Matt’s Saloon is drudgery to me. I finally got her to go to The Raven and listen to another type of music. We heard The Cheek Tones at the square this summer, she bought a CD so I know she liked them. We went and had a couple drinks and nachos (all organic)…afterwards she had to go have another drink at Matt’s before we went home. We danced a couple times, part of her plan is to get under another cowboy…funny that the dance floor was full of lesbians, I think it was a sign… She fell before we went shopping yesterday. My inside was happy.

She thought that since she went to The Raven with me, I would be going to Matt’s the next night. She knows I have a thing about crowds and over stimulation, it’s rare that I have the energy to do two events in a row…like her mother, she has a way of guilting people into things and knows I don’t often say, “NO”…I guess I have an odd way of getting out of things… passive aggressive? I knew she would be pretty sore if she didn’t rest but knew it would be to my advantage because she would be too sore to go out.

I feel guilty for not encouraging her to recover from her fall because I know how important it is for her to go out, but it was her decision to go to Costco. Besides that, I haven’t been to a Costco since Hawaii. We ended up spending over $200. I AM GRATEFUL…we looked at all the organics and compared the pro’s and con’s, Sparklets had a vendor there and she ordered water delivery (her daughter told me that her mother said tap water was fine). Our cart was mostly organics and nongmo…things are shifting, I’m not trying to control a thing, just allowing it to happen.

I feel like maybe the block is feeling like I don’t look the part yet…I found some vintage clothes in a resale store last week. I’d like to buy a couple things but not sure what I’ll be doing or where I’ll be in a month…or if I’ll be giving my 2 week notice to my soul sucking job.

I know I’ve changed a lot. I rarely frown anymore. People come to me with problems and I try to smile the whole time and usually ask them, “what could be better than this?

While waiting for my divorce I ended up in the town I prayed for years to get out of. Some people didn’t know who I was, told me how great I looked, heard my story…and then disappeared. One woman I went to school with mistook me for my 36 year old daughter…in her defense she wasn’t wearing her glasses. She was actually the only one that gave me her phone number and invited me to the Fireman’s dinner…uuuggghhhh firemen…after I wish I would have went because I found out that a couple of the soon to be ex’s workmates were working part time on that fire department…LESSON LEARNED…I’m starting to feel comfortable at accepting whatever presents its self. She does intimidate me though I’m a few days older than her…she was always afraid of aging I bet she’s in her early 50’s now, at least that’s probably the story she tells others. She deals with a lot of incongruencies…she doesn’t even know…if people want to be in my life, maybe they should pay me…it takes a lot of energy trying to be a mirror to others. I AM TAKING IT BACK…

DEAR…I don’t even know who you are…

Who is guiding me? Who is putting me in this feeling of freely floating though the world? Of course not perfectly, I AM still learning to survive in this world I don’t comprehend. I PROMISE I AM trying to BE the BEST HUMAN POSSIBLE.

PLEASE HELP ME REALIZE THE VALUE IN BEing ME…I’m paying someone else to BE a part of their life…and they are draining ME…When can I BE in CHARGE?

Thanx for all the BLESSINGs you have given ME…Thanx for all the LESSONS on what I don’t WANT in LIFE…Thanx for creating ME as a contradiction according to 80% of HUMANity….Thanx for putting me on a planet full of he shallow swimmers who appear to be taken in by the things that glitter and glow, the ones that are afraid of the shame, blame, guilt… the unaware ones that are allowing themselves to be lured in to the memes that keep perpetuating…Thanx for keeping me in the dark about who I AM for so many years.

Thanx for the fight to take back my birth name and making me keep HEARD…the names that never worked for me.

Remember a few years ago when I asked to be on the mission of spreading MEMEs? I even built a parked webpage for you…That dream died too, remember? I don’t even like the word anymore it’s become overused and many times out of context.

Thanx for making ME realize how selfish that made ME…mayBE it isn’t all about ME ME ME anymore…mayBE IT is all about WE WE WE…

Thanx for allowing ME to carry this FREAK flag for YOU today…I don’t even know who YOU ARE…

Sending Love

Lila

I keep thinking about my high school friend, there were only three who invited me into their world when I returned to the Burg. I used to think she was a good friend. I didn’t accept her offer…I walked away from a lot of people in that Burg. I don’t comprehend how anyone claiming to HAVE FAITH in a LOVING GOD can be so deceptive? What is the fear in telling others who WE really are? I’m not saying I AM perfect but people are so clueless as to how THOUGHTS, WORDS, ACTIONS are POWER…maybe this is IT?

I think I’ll be taking a trip soon…for two days in a row my computer and cell phone have been switching to airplane mode, I wonder where I AM GOING NOW…delusional? Or AM I? Is this life REAL or is IT or is it memorex?

ALLOW

One of my reoccurring thoughts is how I was always “allowed” to work outside the home which was probably around 6-8 years total in the 35 years we were married. It was acceptable for me to do odd jobs mostly painting homes, a couple friends hired me to cook for them, of course babysitting.

Looking back, I realize what a blessing it was…in the beginning every job was exciting learning new skills, one job I was trained to work in different departments. I worked most of those years in mental health. It started bothering my conscious talking to patients about their counselors knowing how dysfunctional their lives were or about the program directors, international speakers and writers…I lost all faith when a client committed suicide and staff wasn’t allowed to discuss it, they didn’t offer any type of counseling and we were expected to act like it didn’t happen.

I have no degrees, barely made it through high school, yet always felt more intelligent than a lot of people I know…maybe it’s just more conscious…there is no degree in this, yet there has to be some value to this gift in the “real” world. All I have is reference letters from my friends that have told me the past few years they have faith in me that I will do anything I want. I connected with one of my old supervisors (empath) before I went to the UK…she told me that she sees me building a forest and said she just wants to take care of one of my trees.

I think my purpose in life is to help others define destructive behaviors. My advice is really simple depending on the situation: I ask them what one change they could make; encourage them to write a feeling on their drinking glasses and imagine that feeling nourishing their body; try to find a better outcome… people always tell me I have great insight, but then they keep perpetuating the same pattern…I wish there was someone like me in my life telling me the blocks they see.

The past few years I’ve been trying to figure out where I fit in, everyplace I go I see small healing centers that could be created…

I have a book of ideas on how to raise money to fund young women (I’m sure most of them are HSP) coming out of abusive situations, learning about HSP and why they felt wrong all their lives. I realize how getting totally out of my element helped me to heal and want to create a space to help others. I have international connections in the domestic violence field that could help.

Right now I have a building that looks like a perfect place to start, it even has an onyx foundation…

Today I have to keep BElieving this, my wildest DREAMs are coming TRUE…Looking back over the last few years there have been so many things I see leading up to it.

MY BElive story.

My prayers to “lose” everything holding me down from happiness.

My dream to become a published author and having my story in an Amazon international best seller.

The last 2 weeks I was in Mexico and all my money was stolen, 2 different sources…by that time I realized that life had become a comedy of errors and started learning to ACCEPT whatever showed up in my LIFE.

I was expected to go to court in IA, a state I lived in for 6 months in ’78, and defend myself to get the money he promised me if I didn’t work, I never had control over the finances. One morning I woke up and realized I couldn’t do it because I didn’t have a credit card to rent a car and barely enough to travel there…I told God that I would accept whatever happens and know that there was something beyond my wildest dreams right outside my range of vision…My ex MIL, who I never had a relationship with and had just recently connected with, got a $5000 credit card and put my name on it. I told her I planned on leaving the country after my divorce and she said to keep it in case of an emergency.

There have been a lot of unexplained things showing up in my life recently…even reoccurring childhood dreams making sense to me…

The past few years I’ve done nothing but try to figure out where I belong, learning everything I can about nutrition, HSP, alternative healing, energies, brain science…(google is my professor) I haven’t made long term goals or committed to any place for more than a few months. I’m allowing life to happen and learning to trust God is directing me. I think I finally figured out where I should be…and here I AM…no MONEY, no EDUCATION or ACCREDITATION. I have a building in mind…yesterday I associated it with a reoccurring childhood dream that used to scare me. The last time I had the dream was in Mexico a couple years ago, I always wake up in fear of the EXPANSIVENESS I feel in the dream but the last time I wanted to go back to sleep because the EXPANSIVENESS felt good for the first time now I want to feel it in my LIFE…where do I go from here? how do I give myself permission? How do I ALLOW MY DREAM TO COME TRUE?

PARADOX

I’m almost never serious, and I’m always too serious. Too deep, too shallow, too sensitive, too cold hearted. I’m like a collection of paradoxes~unknown

The other night at The Palace was nice, he was nice, he wasn’t the touchy feely person I was starting to adore…we were at a table with three other couples who appeared to be in life long relationships. HE was charming and has a easy way of talking to others…we really didn’t spend time around others. It was peaceful and he was comfortable to be alone with and at that time I didn’t really want to be anywhere else, his home became my refuge. He was charming with the others at the table, I didn’t notice him talking too much about himself, he likes to stay out of the limelight but personable and engaging with others.

I NEED PASSION in MY LIFE…just his kiss alone would take me to another dimension, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that before. He said he’d experienced a couple kisses that were equal to mine…he’s had a few. I think he has a fear of commitment…can I be friends without benefits to him?

I need to FOCUS ON THE OUTCOME…where will I BE in 5 years time? Where do I WANT TO BE…

Hi Brooklyn,

Whatever gave me the idea I could talk to you about this? I’m much more comfortable writing this part out and thought I’d give you a brief summary of my idea.

It’s the hotel in Mayer, remember me sending you the link? I know you said it was too hot in Mayer but it’s in the high desert, the hottest month is July and stays under 100…being out of the city it does cool off at night. I’ll tell you the story about how I found it and the synchronicities around it on Friday. I’m open to this happening anywhere, its something I’ve been thinking about for years and being under $300k it feels like something attainable.

I need a place of my own and need work that fuels my soul, my mother wants a change (getting too old to travel), and my grand daughter wants to live with me (abandonment issues on many levels), she is good at taking care of people and needs some stability…lol I’ve already talked to her about being paid to take care of my Mom…

The building, currently 8 apartments which averages about $3500 a month, low taxes and insurance. The owner manages the place himself, he’s a contractor and wants to start a project with his son. He told me he would be available to help me mentor me with the management for a year (of course for a small fee). He needs the money upfront and not willing to carry a loan and wants to free up his time for his other project. I really don’t need the income and plan using the rent money for upgrades.

It’s structurally sound, the foundation is onyx (in the woo woo world onyx heals trauma, grief, sorrow….). It’s ready zoned C2-3 and in a small town in Yavapai County so converting it shouldn’t be a problem. Centered in the middle of the state so it’s close to major destinations…Sedona is just an hour away. My idea would be to make it a mix of hostel and B&B rooms…I could live in a studio and work on upgrades (painting, gardening, etc) until the 2 bedroom becomes available and then convert the studio into a hostel room. The tenants are currently on 1-2 year leases and one of them is expiring in a few months. My thought is that as each lease is up I could reorganize and upgrade…one at a time…

This is something that could happen anywhere, I’m not necessarily attached to this building but the way it showed up was interesting plus it’s helping me to define an idea I’ve had for the past few years. I might have someone interested in investing…or maybe a couple people…I’m working on ways I can sell not just the building but myself…I have assorted friends that I know would help mentor me in different areas so I’m confident in executing this…if this is something you want to help me with, I could send you some of my ideas as I get them organized before Friday.

Have a spectacular day 🙂

Did I ever tell you that I AM an OXYMORON? Just another one of my multidimensional gifts. I AM a SUBMISSIVE searching for a staring role as THE DOMINATRIX in her own production…her mission is to take on the world…well just a hotel right now, who knows how far this venture will go? If it’s meant to be, it will…if not? What use are unrealized dreams? What’s the use of continually trying to convince every one else the possibilities of a better day if no one else see’s the vision? What’s the use of BEing on a planet that views people like you as a contradiction of nature?

PAUSE, EDIT, CORRECT

I think I found a project for you and Ashland to do. Kangaroo Lee needs training…

The words above were in a text I wanted to send, not what I intended to say but that’s how autocorrect is HEARing ME…story of my life.

IS IT A SIGN? Ashland who? Who is Kangaroo Lee? Today I’m desperately searching for signs in everything I SEE…

Most of the time I’m usually misheard…misread…I AM only trying to become the BEST HUMAN I can BE.

People are constantly cursing autocorrect. It becomes irritating going over and correcting the text and I wonder how many times autocorrect has become the catalyst for arguments when others don’t look back on their words.

One creative night I decided to repeat one sentence, “Autocorrect is an injustice to Humanity”, just to see what autocorrect would convey:

Autocorrect isn’t in justice to you mad is it me…

Autocorrect is an inch Estes to Humanity…

Autorcorrect is in and justice to Humanity…

Autocorrect is in justice to him and me…Maybe this last attempt is TRUTH…

Looking at it now, I can see how helpful autocorrect can be. It causes us to PAUSE, EDIT, and REFLECT BEfore we we push “Send”…YES this is a good thing…maybe we all need lessons to PAUSE, EDIT, and REFLECT before we act, before we speak…

I guess I found a way to BLESS AUTOCORRECT TODAY…I spent years cursing myself for never having the right words at the right time. I spent years cursing myself knowing that never having an immediate defense made me wrong in the eyes of others. I’m learning to appreciate the words that always come after the fact, the words that are never said…I’m learning to TRUST that this is God’s divine will, someday I KNOW humans will appreciate this about ME.

Today I’m still working on finding the strengths in my perceived weaknesses and searching for help in writing my 5 year plan. The hardest part is containing my brain, keep my depth of perception in check and trying to restrain it to just one box…my current dream is quickly going into a 10 year…20 year…beyond infinity plan. IT IS starting to FEEL like MY HOME is BEcoming A REALITY…or is it?

I’m starting to HONOR the things about ME that can be frustrating…stifling…suffocating, the things I hold inside that people around me rarely see. Someday I KNOW there will be someone that will want to know who I AM, where I came from, and on which branch I decided to land…Still in a state of unsure and insecure but one thing is sure, the perch is BEcoming more DEFINEd and I KNOW that whatever “IT” BEcomes, it will be a BIGger version of ME.

she is ME

what do others see?

no one hears the voices inside, the biggest part of her, the woman that won’t shut down, the woman that wants to be heard.

every interaction with other humans being replayed in her mind…did they feel better? could she have said something different? will they take her advice? why do they keep blaming others? are they asking her to fix it? where did this come from? who taught them to respond that way?  what can she do to make their experience better?…the list goes on and on…

there is rarely quiet in this mind, the woman inside of her cries over the atrocities she sees, she becomes easily frustrated with others who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions, she is frustrated that others drain her with complaints yet never seem to take her advice and focus on another outcome…or find another solution. she is sad because she feels the incongruencies between the heart and the mind.

she is frustrated because she feels trapped in the body of a woman that that has never felt safe to use her voice….many times she’s tried but when she verbalizes what she really wants to express she suffers the consequences of feeling shame, blame, anger because the truth hurts and she feels their pain as if it was here own…

she is frustrated beyond belief when she opens her mouth and nothing comes out…she is frustrated when she finally utters a sound and it’s the wrong word…

she sees the greatness in others they don’t see and if she looks closely enough she will see the generational patterns that are being perpetuated and holding them down.

she worries about the human spirit, the body and mind. she worries about the planet, our home…she is frustrated about the manipulation and control others have placed on the masses…they don’t even know.

she is frustrated when she realizes the limitations she has allowed others to place on her…she is frustrated…she is sad…

she is afraid of the things she sees and what she thinks she knows…she is sad because she sees the potential chaos coming and afraid to go through it alone.

she is disappointed when she sees others playing unfair, she becomes easily disheartened when no one else sees the potential, the greatness in others she sees.

she is sad that after all these years, there is no one that wants to play this game her way…but then what is her way? why should anyone care? where is the proof that her way is any better? where is the proof we can survive this world with play?

she is only asking for a chance to at least try to save the world her own way…

MOVING ON

The last guy I dated e mailed me his book on internet dating to possibly edit…I didn’t get very far with it. After doing some editing and adding a few trendy words I was waiting for his approval to move forward with it:

The trick is to not let that pressure build. Find a release valve for each other. Every couple is different in finding it. In the end you must find that happy medium to maintain a healthy relationship. You can’t just have your own way all the time. It all takes work and that magical word “compromise”. The first part of any relationship is about excitement. The second part is about the depth…yadda, yadda, yadda…

Looking back over the past 4 months I make up so much about the whole scenario, the “relationship”…it was like he was sending me a report of what he would like to be, what kind of relationship he would like but doesn’t know how to implement it in his life; do any of us really know? Of course I could just be batshit crazy. That’s OK this is WHO I AM.

I’ve made up my mind that either someone else wrote it or this is some kind of abstract thought that he just isn’t able to maintain…maybe he’s been living alone too long…mayBE I NEED to stop focusing on someone that isn’t “sure” they want to be in a relationship with me and try to STAY FOCUSED on where I NEED to BE at this point in MY LIFE.

HOME…this is where I BELIEVE I should be at this point in time…I’m 58, I AM a grandmother and starting to feel this is really a time I need to focus on BEing there for at least one of my grand daughters right now…she is at a pivotal point in her life and I know there are many other young people that are in need of a place for them to land, be accepted for who they are, a place for all HSP’s who are feeling victimized by a life they don’t comprehend. How can I provide the place of refuge I want to create for her and young women like her if I don’t have a HOME of MY OWN?

Every day I wake up thanking God for putting me in the middle of this conflict…like I’m in a prison dealing daily with the generational crap of others. I need to feel some kind of control of my own environment, my own creation. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS….the 5-year plan for a home is still a work in progress…I know my weaknesses and I know my strengths. I guess what I really need at this point in time is someone that will help me organizing all these thoughts, HELP ME FOCUS on just one thing at a time…MY VISION, MY DREAM right now is that this small community right in the middle of Arizona could become a cross between Sedona and Jerome my brain is going all directions… I AM working on MANIFESTING A MIRACLE…they happen every day don’t they?   WHAT ENERGY SPACE AND CONSCIOUSNESS will it take to find investors that SEE this DREAM? In the “real” world I feel like I’m a huge risk…but on the other hand so many friends and family have told me they have all the faith in the world that I WILL FIGURE IT OUT…I NEED to FEEL FORWARD MOVEMENT TODAY…

I’m meeting Brooklyn at the Square at 6:15 this evening and going to dinner at The Palace…it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve seen him. I have no feelings, no expectations…how is this numb feeling around him serving my greater good? What lesson am I learning from this experience?

TRANSMUTATION

The Mayer Hotel has a strong foundation; it’s built on onyx:

Onyx is an excellent stone for releasing negative emotions such as sorrow and grief, and therefore brings good fortune and helps in recognizing personal strength. This black colored stone helps in relaxation and in facing various challenges in life, especially if one suffers froma lack of life energy and exhaustion. http://www.sunnyray.org/Crystals-O.htm

It FEELS SO REAL…like it’s calling ME to HELP HEAL. The story I heard about the Hotel is that it was built for working women…common whores…probably women who at that time saw no other way to survive in a world that placed no value on their gender. What ENERGY, SPACE and CONSCIOUSNESS will it take to MAKE THIS a REALITY? Or mayBE I AM delusional?

What if the town died because it’s purpose wasn’t being fulfilled? The town was originally founded in 1882 and is ready to be RESURRECTED…what if we REPURPOSED the town and started using it as a place to de-stress… If onyx really does exist on this planet as a way to heal sorrow and grief, then that’s what we should use it for…energetically doesn’t this make sense? And what if it doesn’t carry any energy at all? What if someone just made it up? Like anything YOU NEED TO BElieve it BEfore it could HAPPEN…

Onyx is the filter…emotions go through and…what does it do next??? Maybe the onyx will hold the memory of the crimes committed against human kind. The emotions; the shame; the blame; the fear…whatever crap beliefs are holding us down is being sucked to the core to burn and transmute…

And she would change everything, everything, just ask her.

Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster,

She just needs someone to take her home.

She’s giving the boys what they want,

Tries to act so nonchalant

Afraid they’ll see that she’s lost her direction

She never stays the same for long

Assuming that she’ll get it wrong.

Perfect only in her imperfection.

She’s not a drama-queen

She doesn’t want to feel this way

Only 17 but tired, yeah

She would change everything for happy ever after

Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home

‘Cause she’s just the way she is

But no one’s told her that’s okay~John McLaughlin