I’ve BEen seeing a vision of a woman by a river, it was a reoccurring vision my teens…is IT ME?  When IT started I was living in a ghost town, I think moving to The Vulture Mine was the first time in my life I felt some peace and was able to start focusing on myself.

I realize now how other EGO I BEcame, I felt like a magnet to every pervert that I encountered, that’s probably why I always wanted a partner by my side…LOL years later I heard that Sunnyslope was known for it’s porn….

LOL…just another absurdity I’ve encountered…I keep thinking of the things I was denied as a child; it all makes so much sense now…

I loved the green and trees; when I was 5 we moved in the middle of the desert.

As the 4th born with 9 years in between the closest sister to me I thought I should be the mascot. My parents adopted a male cousin a year older than me shortly before I was born; he had a mental disorder and got all the attention…LOL I like to say I was raised by wolves…

My three sisters took dancing classes in Cincinnati before our move to Phoenix; I spent my childhood vicariously going through pictures of them posing in their costumes…LOL my outer world looked nothing like that. All I want is to do my own dance…with a partner would be great…

Every time I made money it was taken away from me or cut in half; I had no control…what message is this?

I cycled through girlfriends; I get along with everyone, we just drifted. I don’t make connections with many people and most of my friends I connect with once every year or more…I don’t think like most…

Why is the message we receive always about keeping your EGO in check??? “don’t think too much of yourself or…” what??? Will I become conceited? Think too much about myself…so if I’m not thinking about myself that would indicate that I will be focusing on you and whatever meme is being perpetuated by TPTB…who is tptb?…LOL okay GOD THANX for reminding ME who else needs to BEcome a lower case in MY LIFE…

Dear tptb,

I AM ever so GRATEFUL for you showing up in the WORLD, the EARTH, MY HOME but I really think it’s time for you to go away…whatever way that looks, I leave the decision up to you.

Right now everyone’s vision of you leaving is of total chaos, mass confusion…I guess sometimes the forest needs to burn; it doesn’t always have to be raging forest fires. Whatever it takes for you to give up the control, manipulation, greed you keep perpetuating, just do it…


What is the purpose of holding MAN KIND hostage? Slaves to a system that promotes greed, rage…what else do you do? How does that fuel your psyche?

I could never comprehend how you blinded others to misplaced values and the bling…does that EVEN make sense? I don’t EVEN know how to describe the confusion I feel from the tomfooleries I constantly see. I don’t EVEN want to know how you create your illusions…

Thanx, I really appreciate you driving me to my own personal hell, I AM READY to take the wheel. I AM so over you and the world you created. One of us really needs to GO and I think it should BE YOU…

Again, I AM EVER SO GRATEFUL that you have shown us your POWER, it just isn’t WORKing anymore; not FOR ME, not FOR MANKIND in general…I also see that removing you from your position of POWER will allow THE EARTH to start HEALing again…did you really think SHE needed you to SURVIVE? Silly, silly monkey…you are such a fool.

I don’t know what your contract is with your god but MY GOD created this planet FOR ME to ENJOY. The GOD IN ME is telling me that this is not the planet FOR YOU, we can no longer COEXIST…maybe there is another planet that will BEnefit from your shenanigans…it’s not WELCOME HERE anymore.

I’m sure you will BE forever in our memories and have left great stories for us to remember you by…I could go on and on but really need to end this here. Thinking of you and your trickery is becoming redundant, I AM off to do LOFTIER things…




What next??? When will I feel the descent? My wings are getting weary…

I cannot BE the only one with this VISION…all I AM asking FOR is ONE HOME…I AM not conquering the world today…just ONE HOME…that’s IT…

…there is a small river that runs a block East of the Hotel…my mind is so occupied trying to sort out the men online, I’ve forgotten about Mayer. I’ve had 3 different dates and each one wants to meet again…this is taking a lot of ENERGY.

Although the conversations are uplifting and energizing, I’m exhausted from resisting their advances…I AM uncomfortable with their urge to BE with ME…



The past few days what’s been prevalent in my mind is that God/Universe/the Creator in his infinite wisdom must have grand plans for me.

My online dating experience is reminding me of another reoccurring childhood dream…I don’t usually talk about it, even to this day it makes me uncomfortable that a child of…maybe I was around 5 when it started; the gist was that I was surrounded by men stroking me…

The interactions can feel soulful at times.

ME: I appreciate your googling 🙂

You wrote a lot, I appreciate that, it’s easier for me to write…still kind of finding my voice 🙂

I’ve always believed that thoughts were things but never imagined that my own mattered…it could be an Empath thing; I’m still learning about it myself.

Part of my journey was recovering from ptsd and crawling out of my own personal hell, there are quite a few like me on a similar journey.

The book is just a chapter I wrote about my “wake up” call, realizing how worthless I was, and how I learned to change that feeling. I’ve done a lot of visualization, changing beliefs, learning to surrender to outcomes, and for the past couple years I usually do have a silly grin on my face 🙂

I have a very active imagination and spend a lot of time creating world wide industries and solving world problems LOL…

We should talk sometime.


There have been a few interesting men but not sure of the connections…and still getting messages from guys whose profiles don’t resonate with what they say:

Jr47: i like i here in your Profile, ? how about may Profile,

ME: I find it interesting that spelling mistakes annoy you…

Everything feels like it’s coming to a crescendo, maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling nauseous… outside of being drunk and hungover a couple time I haven’t puked for years. Monday I was sick all day and the waves of nausea keep coming up.

HOLD ON…to verbalize the dreams and visions feels to woo woo but this is where I live, this is who I AM yet so afraid to reveal this inner world I live in. I can’t tell you how many years I’ve felt so alone and afraid…

One guy offered to do my astrology chart, I didn’t tell him but the last one done was by a friend of my mothers…it was wrong because my mother always told me I was born early in the day, right after she got my sisters ready for school. Time must have stood still for her when she had to battle the doctors who kept telling her that it wasn’t MY TIME…I think that was what I BElieved all my life, it was never MY TIME…now IS MY TIME…I’ve been praying for my life to BE the polar OPPOSITE of what I came from and the jump feels risky, I AM a HIGH SENSATION seeker but I know my limits too…

I know my weaknesses.. the other night I allowed a date to make out with ME BEcause I didn’t want to make him feel rejected…he even autographed the book he gave me…the one he said was his livelihood and that people pay good money for it…maybe that’s why I feel so conflicted. There is also the fact that he smokes and to try and quit without a drug would be too much effort…I think at one time he indicated he was pro-pharmaceutical… maybe that’s why my herpes simplex came back again…I remember at one time writing a letter thanking herpes for being in my life, I can’t find the letter or remember why I was GRATEFUL FOR IT BEing in MY LIFE. I’m sure today it’s here for another REASON, maybe that’s why herpes is showing up again:

Dear herpes,

Thank you for BEing here today…I realize that keeping you in my life was a BLESSING…you helped me hide from the world. Your appearance is hideous and looks unapproachable…unapproachable served me at one time. I cannot keep hiding, this place is not where I BElong…

Thanx for BEing here, it’s time for you to leave…you should probably start living in those bodies who truly deserve to BE ignored; invalidated; unseen; unheard.

If you need to BE on this planet, mayBE your PURPOSE should be to put a mark on the sharks that put their shame on innocent ones like ME??? I COMMAND YOU to INFECT; PENETRATE; CONTAMINATE those more deserving of you.

My desire is to BE SEEn…you BEing in ME feels like a hindrance to MY DREAM…please just leave ME alone. Please infect the ones that perpetuate their deception and lies…I don’t think I will miss you but I appreciate you serving me for all those years. Thanx for BEing there when I needed you. It’s time for you to go…

Sending LOVE,


Maybe I should give this virus a name…brad?…that would give too much attention to him. Although he tried to invalidate my existence once I stopped allowing him to drain my energy, he did serve a purpose. As much as he used me to fuel his ego, I used him equally as a shield… I AM once again reminded that I will never comprehend how anyone can TRUST; CARE; LOVE; RESPECT “too much”. If there is a PURPOSE for ME to BE here wouldn’t I feel safer BEing ME?

In my imagination there is a gap being filled…the one that always told me I was too early, not good enough, not my time…>>>…>>>…>>>…>>>…the one that told me…>>>… I AM VALUE…the one that told…>>>… ME I AM WORTHY…>>>…>>>…IT is MY TIME..

What is in the void? What is MY VALUE in the REAL WORLD??? Why do I FEEL so taken advantage of by jerks??? Where are all the real men??? It’s not enough for them to want to hold me, stroke me or kiss me…to tell you the truth I’ve only been with one man that could send me to another dimension just with his kiss…I guess I’m searching for the same experience, but on a grander scale…

I need to clear IT…what IS IT??? What is the veil that separates ME from the ABUNDANCE I SEEk?


Online dating is feeling redundant…there are a couple guys that I’m considering meeting in person. I did go out a couple times with one guy, B2, but there just wasn’t a spark, I hope we can be friends. Even talking on the phone feels kind of creepy, I’m just not into this whole dating dance and tired of these guys that send random messages so I keep updating my profile…

2/17 update: Basically I’m passive and quiet, don’t like raising my voice, non confrontational and sometimes my words come out wrong, so I write…if this self analysis is TMI for you, please move on. I’m more than a picture on your screen.

2/18 update: Please don’t comment on my pictures and not willing to read what I wrote…it’s a waste of both of our times. I only respond because I’m nice and will never want to meet you.

I guess there are some interesting interactions, like this 27-year-old:

Tommie112: Oh shit!!

ME: Potty mouth

Tommie112: You are sexy.

ME: thanx…LOL my kids are in their mid to late 30’s. I hope you’re not looking for a cougar to play with.

Tommie112: Oh I am. What’s your zodiac sign? Because you are the most perfect cougar I’ve ever laid my eyes on…What’s your number?

ME: LOL I think not

Tommie112: I think so. You are perfect

ME: I raised 2 sons already, no thanx : )

Tommie112: And I’ve seduced a lot of Cougars…Basically make them into my slaves lol

ME: Good for you…move on

I noticed that Brooklyn looked at my okstupid profile, he changed his name. He indicated to me that his profile name has been the same for years. Now the name indicates that he is moving forward…why did he look on my profile? Of course the stats indicate that we are 88% compatible… I admit I did click on his profile when it first came up right after I created a profile, but not since…I would like to send him a couple pictures I took of him, he was so good looking and I captured a couple smiles that are better than the ones he has posted. I’m resisting contacting him. I think I was very clear in my feelings, I told him I fell in love, was tired of fighting the urges to be with him, and wasn’t able to be friends.

I’m not sure if I’m really over him or not and it’s interactions like these that cause me to miss him even more:

Jumaah84: Hello my dear

ME: Hi, What about my profile resonated with you?

Jumaah84: Let’s just say you caught my eyes.

ME: And my words?

Jumaah84: Hi there

ME: no thanx, you don’t answer questions which would indicate to me that you are a shallow person, I’m looking for depth. Goodbye.

And another:

Bowlingforchicks: Yeah, men aren’t going to read all that. Why don’t you call me tonight, maybe come up to Prescott for lunch some time. Bill

ME: too bad…I want a man that will read what I write…

Bowlingforchicks: Get real, it may not happen. Just because you put it out there does NOT mean it’s going to get read. BW, author of Murder by Guile. I stopped counting my news stories that I wrote for television in my 12th year of TV news writing. It was somewhere are 3,000 stories. My exposes on don’t get read by many. I just keep my hand in investigative journalism by digging up dirt on local crooks/politicians.

ME: Congratulations on your accomplishments… Good for you… I’m searching for someone that actually wants to knows what I have to say…writing IS my voice…I’m not looking for validation from you…why are you even writing me?

LOL he had the nerve to send me his phone number and wants to meet me.

This one just blew my mind…

Jhcoffey: Oh Yeah I see .. I would really like to get to know you more better and eventually meet if you don’t mind .. I feel I could do this with you and reading everything about you is more than what I want in a woman, please lets give this a try together

ME: MORE THAN YOU WANT IN A WOMAN? Writing IS my voice…then I’m too much for you…please stop sending me messages…

Is this all I can expect? This is not as good as it gets…there is a BEtter ending to this story…how does one keep going when the world and mindless interactions drains you? How do you continue when your dreams and visions belong to only you? Where is the inspiration to FUEL ME? There has to be a different ending, realized dreams, feeling that your talents are being utilized and you are part of the greater good.

One positive note is that my ex SIL’s life is improving…a few weeks ago she finally cut the ties to her 6 year relationship and almost immediately things started changing; she finally has a competent office assistant, her position now includes marketing, she is accepting my nutritional advice and in the past 3 weeks has lost a few pounds by just making a few dietary changes, she seems to be more tolerant of her 17 year old daughter. I like to think my influence had a lot to do with these changes…changes seem to happen wherever I go…

I’m ready to get out and live in a bigger way…Where is the support I need? This cannot BE as GOOD as it gets.


The Colorado River in southern AZ is beautiful this time of year…I spent a couple days with my youngest son and a few of his friends, he took me out to the Desert Bar outside of Parker. It’s 5 miles out on a winding, unpaved, washboard road. Cash only, totally solar, and open Sat & Sun from 12-6 during the months October thru April, the road was packed going in and coming out.

My DIL has known the owner for years. When he acquired the mining camp in ’83, he made a small structure with a bar, today it has 2 stages, 2 kitchens serving grilled sandwiches (no cheese) and yesterday there were 4 other vendors selling food.

We had to park on the side of the road. Parking is limited and you need to have a vehicle with high clearance. We didn’t stay for a hamburger or get a drink because the place was packed, so we just walked around and I took pictures…the whole time I kept questioning, “why couldn’t something happen in Mayer?”. The owner, Ken, saw something in the middle of the desert, no structures, no electric, no water…it’s a huge success now and every year he is expanding, right now he is building retaining walls along a digging that’s probably more than 60’ high. I hope to meet up with him soon, maybe he has ideas…or even knows investors…

It was funny, my Son was going to take me out to the bar for a burger that afternoon…our morning plans were changed and we just happened to run into the owner at a restaurant that morning, it was the second time I’d met him…LOL after our first meeting my DIL told me he was asking a lot of questions about me…there isn’t an attraction but he could be a good connection…of course he does live 3 hours away…I’m not putting a condition on this. My Son is in Parker for a few more days, I guess if it’s meant to be, he will see him again. My son thinks my ideas are good and he has a couple connections to investors.

Why couldn’t something spectacular happen in Mayer? It’s right in the middle of the state, the buildings are already established, there aren’t many structures in the desert left that were built before the late 1800’s… the little town has a lot of history. In just a few short weeks my original $300,000 has more than doubled to $618,000, the original 4,000 sq ft has become 12,000 sq ft…

My hotel/boarding home dream now includes a commercial building with 4 storefronts, right across the street. One of them is occupied by the Chamber of Commerce… I can see filling up the space with the dreams and ideas I’ve had over the past 5 years or more. All my ideas include; healing, foods that fuel the body, international travel, teaching, self sustaining, and giving back…I decided that with each idea all I want is 13% of the profit, I have so many…there seems to be a steady stream of ideas…they never end. People think my ideas are great, but so far no one is showing up to support it…when originally built, there was a bathhouse in one of the buildings…how perfect is that?

Funny…this morning I’m reminded of the reoccurring night dream from my earliest memories…tiny girl, tiny bed, tiny room…then the EXPANSION STARTed…

I sense this EXPANSION in my day dreams right NOW, I’m not afraid of the night dream anymore, I’d like to have that dream again and not wake up and see what’s next. I want to see the ending of that dream…I always felt so alone, naked and afraid. If I don’t wake up during the dream the next time, will I encounter others? Will there be support? I have to keep TRUSTing and BElieving that there is a PURPOSE to this all…

Today…for a while now I’ve felt empty…I’m the person with the ideas, the vision of what could BE, the one willing to do the physical labor, the foot work…the one to do the research and rePURPOSE…what do I need to manifest in a partner today? The last time I was asking for a CONSTANT, CONSCIOUS, COGNIZANT partner…Brooklyn fit so many of the things I was asking for, evidently I was missing something. Even the part of having a partner that knew what it was like to “lose” everything, it wasn’t his choice but he fought a hard fight for his rights and was silenced…what a great story. How do I BE more specific in manifesting my dream? What next???

My current living arrangement is getting more tolerable, the energy seems to have changed; more positive outlook, less nit picking and blaming…it’s time to move on but where?

Every day I go through the motions of BEing a HUMAN…Every day I search for something to keep me grounded…Herb, my imaginary friend, is the only one that is grounding me again. Every day I think, “this is the day, either I just expire or somewhere, somehow, someone… will show up and help me take it to the next level. PLEASE GOD/UNIVERSE help me stay grounded today…or just let me go…if it’s the later, PLEASE let it be out my range of vision and quick…” PLEASE GOD/UNIVERSE…MY TEAM help ME feel EXPANSION today…I don’t think I was born to live in this tiny world…


Love for another is looking beyond the imperfections, seeing the greatness in others…working towards the greater good.

Online dating is becoming redundant…the whole dance of one sentence messages…I reply to them all, most of the time I question them, “What about my profile resonates with you?” or “We make a connection, who’s going to relocate?”… I don’t want anyone feeling rejected, but I get the stupidest replies…”you are so beautiful”, “you look like my soulmate”, “send me your number so we can text”, Even the 37 year old that wants my number so he can send pictures of himself (he’s big…or so he says) ….what degradation; dilapidation; disgrace…

One very disturbing thing is that Brooklyn pops up every so often as a match on POF…I decided to expand my horizons and do a profile on OKCupid…guess who I’m a match with??? Then this morning opening my Microsoft Word…the book he started and I was going to edit came up as the only document I recently opened, I haven’t looked at it for weeks…is it wrong for me to keep him in my dreams? It’s a struggle to keep resisting, maybe I NEED TO TRUST there is someone more suitable for me, maybe I NEED TO keep holding on to the dream of an intimate partner. I worry that keeping the vision if him in my heart and mind will keep the energy going. How do I cut this cord? All I can SEE is A KIND GENTLE MAN I fell in LOVE with, I can’t visualize another…it is someone a lot like him. I KNOW I AM not supposed to BE on this journey alone.

Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with ME that I can overlook the demons HUMANs decide to take out and exercise? Why should I feel bad; shame; weak for BEing FORgiving? I hope someday Brooklyn will learn to direct that energy where it BElongs…life is all about ME now…where do I land?

I walked away from my life, my only emotional ties are to my 3 children and 7 grandchildren….what I’ve learned from life is to not trust anyone else to define who you are, do your research and make your own decisions. Until recently the dictionary defined an Empath as a mostly fictional character…LOL talk about a mind screw…

There is so much to learn…I’m hiring a coach to help me focus on what steps to take next…there is so much to learn, including accepting that I can’t do it all…yet that is what I’ve expected myself to do all my life, there is so much to learn…I AM one HOT mess…But I AM LOVE; LOVED; LOVING…there is so much I want to experience with another, there is so much inside of ME; so much PASSION, so many DREAMS to fulfill, so many places to SEE, so much LAUGHTER to share…but what’s the use of going on if there is no one to share it with?

Hopefully this weekend with my son on the river with no internet will be good. This online dating is so mindless…I’ve decided to cut and paste a standard reply. “maybe you could be more specific on your profile on what you want…I think I was pretty honest about who I was and what I want…I’m starting to think the majority of guys online don’t take the time to look beyond pictures. You are not what I’m searching for…happy hunting

And another one bites the dust

Oh why can I not conquer love?

And I might have thought that we were on

Wanted to fight this war without weapons

And I wanted it bad

But there were so many red flags

Now another one bits the dust

Yeah, let’s be clear, I’ll trust no one ~ Elastic Heart, Sia

A MESSAGE from my mess…

I updated my POF profile…should I join more free sites???

First off I would appreciate you reading this in it’s entirety before you decide to respond…

I’m being told that most men my age are only looking for a purse or a nurse, I am neither.

I’ve been mostly traveling, exploring and doing a lot of soul searching for the past few years, tired of traveling alone and have decided that Prescott feels like home…but you never know, life is always evolving.

My adventures the past few years include; “losing” everything, living a total of 10 months on the beach in Bucerias,MX (not literally on the beach, I was in a condo), a couple months couch surfing across the UK and a few months on the Big Island of Hawaii doing work exchanges on a couple farms, having my story published in a book that was an international best seller…I like living outside the range of “normal”…whatever that is.

After a half a century of living on this earth I found out about Highly Sensitive Personality and INFJ traits…my whole life made sense, if you don’t know what this is, please use your google before you contact me. I’m also a High Sensation Seeker…I know I’m a paradox and still learning to live in a world I don’t comprehend.

I’m in a constant state of analysis…self, others, world situations…how things are made…I’m a lateral thinker in a linear world learning to laugh and accept the absurdity of it all and searching for a partner to hold my hand and help keep me grounded while I do my own dance.

I don’t care about a lot of things important to most, like money or status…a janitor scrubbing the toilet should be treated with the same respect as the CEO…I like quality over quantity and would rather have a small home(s) on 5 acres rather than a big home in the suburb. My mind is like my computer screen with…I just counted, currently there are 20 files on my computer open with titles including, Why we get stuck; Depth of processing; blog stats; meaning of numbers; rocket mail; a hotel I want to buy; lyrics to “Leave My Body”; youtube video of Sia’s “Lullaby”…

My 35 year marriage was about supporting him knowing nothing about narcissist/empath relationships…I was the one that went to counseling put on anti depressants and sleeping pills for being “codependent”…I always felt wrong…LOL until recently the dictionary defined an Empath as a fictional character. It’s taken a few years to recover (without pharmaceuticals) and I’ve learned to manage my stress using alternative methods, EFT, breathing, changing words; thoughts; beliefs, nutritional and herbal remedies. Some days I amaze myself…other times I put my laundry in the oven 🙂

What I make up about my journey now is that God/Universe must have grand plans for me especially now that the Sensitive trait has been identified. There are a lot of people becoming aware of it, it’s becoming a movement; we don’t think like 80% of the population.

I try to not see anything as good or bad, and believe most of the time conflict is because others are unaware how they dump their emotional crap on others.

I believe we have all been wounded in some way and need to learn to heal ourselves before we can find happiness in a relationship with another. Also I feel that mutual trust, respect and communication is the key to a great relationship and if we’re not in a great relationship now then we still have a lot to learn. I’m not looking for perfection…I am far from it…just for balance. Of course there has to be mutual beliefs and chemistry…passion is a must. I’ve had a couple relationships after my divorce…I know I have attachment issues and think it’s best for me to know that a partner is willing to learn how to communicate before being exclusive. I’m not into casual encounters. I like to know people on a soul level…some people are uncomfortable with that.

I’m searching for a partner that likes deep conversation and looking for a REAL relationship. I believe we all are here to learn from each other. I learned loads living with a narcissist and ready for another experience. At this stage of my life I’m looking to to find a partner that wants to have fun and live as stress free as possible. I don’t ever see myself retiring; I have an active imagination, like to experience new things and enjoy helping others. I also suffer from Onism and Exulansis 🙂 🙂 🙂

I think it’s important that we not get caught up in the drama created by the media and learn to take responsibility for our own health and happiness. I’m always searching for the deeper meaning…some people say I over process but it’s actually a gift…I usually see every angle and try to find solutions to problems.

I constantly ask questions to myself such as, “what if we all learned to accept the parts of ourselves that we don’t like and search for ways to improve rather than masking them?” Or, “How do we as a collective teach others to accept what is?” My belief is that there is a time and place for every emotion, problem is they are usually misdirected and usually at the ones we love. If we’re not aware, the behaviors continue. As a Highly Sensitive Person I’m highly empathetic…I’m slow to react because I try to see where others are coming from before I respond…I don’t like raising my voice. I isolate and need to be on my own after a lot of interaction with groups, or after conflict because I absorb feelings as if they are my own and need to reconnect with myself. Sometimes it’s exhausting being me, what can I say???    

My goal for the next half century of my life is to stay healthy, have fun with an intimate partner, be the best human I can be, and support myself with multiple incomes… (partnership with an entrepreneur would be…well I’m sure that would be close to perfection). I love learning, teaching, and spend a lot of time studying. Subjects like epigenetics, ecospychology and human potential fascinate me.

I enjoy listening to music, going to movies, being outdoors, traveling, exploring, walking barefoot, cuddling and sharing dreams. I am a hopeless romantic and believe that with a little effort, a couple could stay in the honeymoon stage forever. Relationships are work…and I’m willing to do the work with the right partner. I believe miracles happen every day, we just have to look for them.

I walked away from my life, my only emotional ties are to my 3 children and 7 grandchildren….what I’ve learned from life is to not trust anyone else to define who you are, do your research and make your own decisions. Until recently the dictionary defined an Empath as a mostly fictional character…LOL talk about a mind screw…

There is so much to learn, I’m hiring a coach to help me focus on what steps to take next…there is so much to learn, including accepting that I can’t do it all…yet that is what I’ve expected myself to do all my life…I AM one HOT mess…


Exulansis n. -the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it-either through envy or pity or simple foreignness-which allows it to drift away from the rest of your life story, until the memory itself feels out of place, almost mythical, wandering restlessly in the fog, no longer even looking for a place to land. ~Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

I can’t even begin to tell anyone how disconnected from this world, I feel…where is MY VALUE? Exactly how do I FEEL?

Brooklyn came up with a brilliant idea and asked if I wanted to be partners, I would make the formula. We spent Saturday afternoon bouncing ideas around. The next day I sent him 3 different messages about commercial ideas…he laughed at them all, it’s a brilliant idea and I see it going viral. Yesterday I sent him an e mail, telling him that I couldn’t do it. That I fell in love and I’m tired of fighting the feeling of him being an intimate partner. I don’t connect with people that easily, many of our beliefs were the same.

What was it about him? Maybe his position, the hunger to create another dream, the hunger to speak to the world about a truth, the trials he went through with the legal system because of his knowledge…one of his goals is to be the epitome of health, an example to his family…hmmm that’s my journey too.

I need to hold on to MY DREAM…problem is that I was including him in a dream he had no desire to explore with me…all he could see was that I needed $300,000; all I could see was how his talents could be utilized in practically every aspect of this vision…talents that I either don’t have, need help with, or have no desire to do. I guess there isn’t a happy balance between our linear and lateral minds, bottom line is that he didn’t want to do the work with me, I guess it hurts to think he doesn’t see me as a life partner…I need to keep Believing what I AM searching for is searching FOR ME.

The other night I went to a presentation to hear about a chiropractic technique using Subluxation and got a couple cards for a fee consultation. The next day I went to my paraplegic client and told him I would take him as a friend, and he still resisted. His body is so emaciated; he can only walk for short distances with his walker…maybe the job would be more rewarding if I could actually help him. He is a slave to the system…I’m not saying there would ever be hope of him walking again but the physical pain…I shop for him every week, his diet is mostly processed food and sugars…everything that causes inflammation. What is my purpose for being a “caregiver” when I feel like all I’m doing is putting a bandage on humans whose bodies and minds are slowly decaying? It’s not comfortable for me, I feel like I was destined for greater things. But what? What is the VALUE of ME?

I AM working on patience, I AM working on accepting what shows up, I AM working on staying positive and seeing a better outcome, I AM working on BEing an example of the change I want to see…it’s a lonely position to BE in when others don’t comprehend the world the same. What can I find to GROUND ME TODAY?

Even this game of dating online again is becoming redundant:

AZChef5: Hello pretty lady…How are you…??? My name is Mitch…I’m a Chef/Chef Instructor…Let’s chat… 🙂

ME: Did you read my profile? What do we have in common?

AZChef5: I’ve read 100’s of profiles and so what is so special about yours…?????????????

Ten minutes later

AZChef5: Lots of fancy gibberish for someone with only a high school diploma…Sorry…Not interested.

ME: Thanx for the put down. I know a lot of idiots with degrees…sometimes life is the best education…