It’s been since mid January when I wrote the page telling Brooklyn it was the last chapter to my story which ended something like, “I hear that HSPs thrive when in supportive environments, that doesn’t feel like you anymore.”
The next couple of hours we spent texting, he tried to call a couple times but I couldn’t talk. I ended driving around for 5 hours or so. I WEnt past the entrance to his drive a couple times and spent what SEEmed like forever parked on the back road to the Ponderosa. One of the things that keeps coming up for ME was that he couldn’t understand my thought process. I told him that no one can and how confusing it is BEing ME. I feel like he bailed on ME. I feel that I was honest about who I AM BEfore WE even met in the flesh… but then I’m not sure who I AM half the time. Sometimes I have no answer when someone asks what I want or what would make ME HAPPY. There are so many variables to those questions. What makes ME HAPPY isn’t the stuff or things, what makes ME HAPPY is BEing with conscious people, what makes ME HAPPY is being part of projects that will have the residuals to BEnefit everyone in the “REAL” world…you know, the one of commerce.
Since that day, one Sunday in January…the 10th or 17th, I’ve felt like I’ve BEen floundering, flapping my wings feeling no GROUND to this planet…Why GOD did his place felt like HOME?…Why did he felt like HOME?…when did it change? What caused him to start blocking me from entering his world?
Every day this week I’ve been driving down White Spar Road and parking on a pull-off questioning my existence, I found a tree that perfectly represents two deaths of my ego…today I think one of the egos was the BElief that I had the power to change the perception of anothers BEliefs about themselves; I’ve been reminded of Brad a lot the past week, especially after talking to Winslow about my history with alcoholics and totally forgetting I was married to one for 35 years…yesterday afternoon e mails from Brad in 2012 resurfaced, I read a few and have no attachment to that story anymore.
Another ego shattered was that I knew Brooklyn was going to BE the one to stand BEhind ME and help ME shine. How in the hell am I supposed to do whatever it is I’m supposed to do surrounded by constant misdirected energy? There has to be a purpose for ME BEing here, what else am I expected to learn? If I AM meant to BE HERE then I will get a response from a letter I sent to a Craigslist post I found yesterday morning in my search for another reality.
My prayers have been to be in a place I can feel comfortable BEing ME; a private space with an outdoor area to escape to; a place I can have a desk and a real bed (is it too much to ask for a balcony?); in a real room with a door I can close; a place I don’t have to feel responsible to take care of everyone and the dogs; someplace that I’m not constantly reminded of consumerism; I want to stay close to the Town Square but I want to be in the woods…kind of an oxymoron…kind of like me:
Unique House & Tenant on W. Gurley near Gail Gardener, 1 Mi from Courthouse seeking Unique Roommate for upcoming vacancy w/1 Bedroom… Share kitchen / bathroom (shower, no bathtub). Large, open Living Room/Common Area may be used for art/dance studio, or massage therapy/yoga setting. Simple living, “rustic” and comfortable. I am a college-educated, semi-retired, mature, loooong-time Prescott Local who has been involved in the artscene thru poetry, photography, music, and firedance for many years.
*Looking for Environmentally Self Aware, Low Impact, Intentional, No Drama, Small Carbon Footprint Individual (ie): Student; Artist; Creative; Down-To-Earth Type. $495/month, Mo to Mo, but prefer longer intention. Security Deposit negotiable. Large Room, Large Closet. Not a lot of other type storage, so not a lot of “stuff ” (furniture, etc) is best. VERY private/secluded on 4.5 acres of wildland w/seasonal creek in backyard, right in town. Passive Solar w/LOTS of windows. Trees, birds, waterhole, wildlife. Rental Room has sliding glass door access to patio overlooking property/creek. Bedrooms are at opposite ends of the house, w/keyed locks.
Mutual Privacy/Personal Space Expected & Respected.
*Rent Includes: Washer/Dryer; Utes; WiFi; Woodstove Heat; No A/C.
No Pets Preferred.
I strive to eat & live clean (mostly organic/non GMO), am water/electric-use conscious, I do not drink alcohol (you can, if it’s not a problem for OTHERS when you do), am tidy but not a neat freak, and have interesting & respectful friends over from time to time to practice various performance arts, and just hang… you can, too. Basically, if you’re looking for a liberal, artistic, open-minded, comfortable, aware, and intention-oriented house to call your home (and possibly your studio) this is it! One of a kind, and that’s no BS.
LOL…I got a reply…I’m meeting him tomorrow morning for coffee…