NICHE

It’s been since mid January when I wrote the page telling Brooklyn it was the last chapter to my story which ended something like, “I hear that HSPs thrive when in supportive environments, that doesn’t feel like you anymore.”

The next couple of hours we spent texting, he tried to call a couple times but I couldn’t talk. I ended driving around for 5 hours or so. I WEnt past the entrance to his drive a couple times and spent what SEEmed like forever parked on the back road to the Ponderosa. One of the things that keeps coming up for ME was that he couldn’t understand my thought process. I told him that no one can and how confusing it is BEing ME. I feel like he bailed on ME. I feel that I was honest about who I AM BEfore WE even met in the flesh… but then I’m not sure who I AM half the time. Sometimes I have no answer when someone asks what I want or what would make ME HAPPY. There are so many variables to those questions. What makes ME HAPPY isn’t the stuff or things, what makes ME HAPPY is BEing with conscious people, what makes ME HAPPY is being part of projects that will have the residuals to BEnefit everyone in the “REAL” world…you know, the one of commerce.

Since that day, one Sunday in January…the 10th or 17th, I’ve felt like I’ve BEen floundering, flapping my wings feeling no GROUND to this planet…Why GOD did his place felt like HOME?…Why did he felt like HOME?…when did it change? What caused him to start blocking me from entering his world?

Every day this week I’ve been driving down White Spar Road and parking on a pull-off questioning my existence, I found a tree that perfectly represents two deaths of my ego…today I think one of the egos was the BElief that I had the power to change the perception of anothers BEliefs about themselves; I’ve been reminded of Brad a lot the past week, especially after talking to Winslow about my history with alcoholics and totally forgetting I was married to one for 35 years…yesterday afternoon e mails from  Brad in 2012 resurfaced, I read a few and have no attachment to that story anymore.

Another ego shattered was that I knew Brooklyn was going to BE the one to stand BEhind ME and help ME shine. How in the hell am I supposed to do whatever it is I’m supposed to do surrounded by constant misdirected energy? There has to be a purpose for ME BEing here, what else am I expected to learn? If I AM meant to BE HERE then I will get a response from a letter I sent to a Craigslist post I found yesterday morning in my search for another reality.

My prayers have been to be in a place I can feel comfortable BEing ME; a private space with an outdoor area to escape to; a place I can have a desk and a real bed (is it too much to ask for a balcony?); in a real room with a door I can close; a place I don’t have to feel responsible to take care of everyone and the dogs; someplace that I’m not constantly reminded of consumerism; I want to stay close to the Town Square but I want to be in the woods…kind of an oxymoron…kind of like me:

Unique House & Tenant on W. Gurley near Gail Gardener, 1 Mi from Courthouse seeking Unique Roommate for upcoming vacancy w/1 Bedroom… Share kitchen / bathroom (shower, no bathtub). Large, open Living Room/Common Area may be used for art/dance studio, or massage therapy/yoga setting. Simple living, “rustic” and comfortable. I am a college-educated, semi-retired, mature, loooong-time Prescott Local who has been involved in the artscene thru poetry, photography, music, and firedance for many years.

*Looking for Environmentally Self Aware, Low Impact, Intentional, No Drama, Small Carbon Footprint Individual (ie): Student; Artist; Creative; Down-To-Earth Type. $495/month, Mo to Mo, but prefer longer intention. Security Deposit negotiable. Large Room, Large Closet. Not a lot of other type storage, so not a lot of “stuff ” (furniture, etc) is best. VERY private/secluded on 4.5 acres of wildland w/seasonal creek in backyard, right in town. Passive Solar w/LOTS of windows. Trees, birds, waterhole, wildlife. Rental Room has sliding glass door access to patio overlooking property/creek. Bedrooms are at opposite ends of the house, w/keyed locks.
Mutual Privacy/Personal Space Expected & Respected.
*Rent Includes: Washer/Dryer; Utes; WiFi; Woodstove Heat; No A/C.
No Pets Preferred.

I strive to eat & live clean (mostly organic/non GMO), am water/electric-use conscious, I do not drink alcohol (you can, if it’s not a problem for OTHERS when you do), am tidy but not a neat freak, and have interesting & respectful friends over from time to time to practice various performance arts, and just hang… you can, too. Basically, if you’re looking for a liberal, artistic, open-minded, comfortable, aware, and intention-oriented house to call your home (and possibly your studio) this is it! One of a kind, and that’s no BS.

LOL…I got a reply…I’m meeting him tomorrow morning for coffee…

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CAVE OF THE SEVEN VEILS

Why am I feeling emotional pain today?

Maybe it’s the FEELing of BEing so alone in this journey, feeling like I should be in a bigger LIFE. FEELing like everything is collapsing around ME again. What door is opening? Where is my window of opportunity? Feeling like the foundation is firm, starting to raise a wall and not FEELing the STRENGTH to lift it alone.

The other day I was reminded of another reoccurring dream I used to have, it started during my marriage. I would be at home with people around me, family and friends who were there for some kind of party…I was always in the middle of the room naked, in a twilight sleep unable to move or talk…feeling shame, wanting to get up or at least have someone cover me…no one ever noticed.  I’m not sure when I had that dream last but today it feels significant.

What also FEELs SIGNIFICANT is the dream I had when Brad was in rehab at Sierra Tucson during Family Week over 25 years ago. The night before an appointment with a counselor, I had a dream that I was walking around with a huge brown shroud covering my head, weighing me down and I didn’t know how to get out from under it…

The next day I went to the appointment and I talked to two counselors; as our conversation was ending their advice was that I find a group and a counselor in my area…then I told them about the dream, both of them decided that I should come back as an inpatient. Of course it never happened, I thought for sure once I helped him realize his dream of becoming a firefighter it would be my turn, I knew that he would support me in finding myself, finding out what’s wrong and WE would work things out together…once again I felt deceived. The only thing that changed was there was no alcohol involved in our marriage. BEhaviors really didn’t change…why did I stay so long? Why???? Why was I born feeling so different?

My constant prayer for all those years is that I get out from under everything holding ME down from being HAPPY eventually it happened…everything I thought was HOLY and TRUE just fell away. There is no more reality, friends are no longer there and I don’t even have the ENERGY to start new ones because history tells ME they will only be there for a while. Life FEELs like a conglomeration of DREAMS and DESIERS that either haven’t been fulfilled or will never BE…all I know is that I’m tired of pulling off the layers.

So many veils have been lifted the past few years only to uncover another, and another, what is the use of feeling enlightened when the rest of the world feels so closed and undependable? What is the use of SEEing the what ifs when you are surrounded by the what is? Why do I want to come out of this cave again when I’m not FEELing the masculine ENERGY that this world appears to thrive on? What’s the use of wanting to continue BEing ME if the world doesn’t see the VALUE of the ideas inside of ME? I just pray that what ever I feel holding ME down right now is the last veil…mayBE then my BRILLIANCE will be SEEn…feeling so childlike and confused today…the only hope I have is that there are others that are struggling with the same FEELings as ME…

I AM HEYOKA

“Shortly after finding out about HSP someone in a group directed me to the Heyoka (I’m not sure there were any HSP FB groups at that time). I remember feeling a lot of fear as I read about it…my desire is to feel free enough to live like a 5-year-old didn’t feel so strange after all. I love discovering other possibilities, finding the humor and/or better outcomes in stressful situations…sigh…I’m 58, it’s a struggle when everyone around you wants to be an adult and not use their imaginations”~ME

I got 4 likes from this Face Book post.  I’m feeling supported in this reality today…

It was almost 4 years ago that I was introduced to Heyoka. I haven’t done a lot of research on it but according to Wikipedia:

Heyoka are thought of as being backwards-forwards, upside-down, or contrary in nature. This manifests by doing things backwards or unconventionally…. Their satire presents important questions by fooling around. They ask difficult questions, and say things others are too afraid to say. By reading between the lines, the audience is able to think about things not usually thought about, or to look at things in a different way.

Principally, the Heyoka functions both as a mirror and a teacher, using extreme behaviors to mirror others, thereby forcing them to examine their own doubt, fears, hatreds, and weaknesses. Heyoka also have the power to heal emotional pain; such power comes from the experience of shame…

Thank you GOD/Universe/MY TEAM…whoever you are. If it is true, is this is truly who I AM…if this is the experience I asked for on this planet… I need to keep focusing on the NOW and accepting wHERE I AM

What was my initial desire BEfore coming to this planet? How long is this soul contract of never FEELing a part of a WORLD that keeps perpetuating the crap? Do I need to write another contract based on my realizations and LIFE experiences knowing who I AM NOW? MayBE this is my DESIRE in wanting to live the rest of my life with the wonderment and imagination of the 5 year old in ME, to BE HEYOKA after living a life feeling abandonment and denial…I’m going to start working on another plan today…

GROUND ME

The past few days I’ve been soaring over head; the landings I was starting to FEEL don’t FEEL POSSIBLE anymore. The dreams and desires feel deflated and I have nothing else to give…God/Universe, whoever you are, trying to BE myself in this world while dealing with the minutia is exhausting and I don’t want to BE here feeling so alone anymore. Where is the ENERGY to continue?

My relationships with my children are almost non existent…they have their own lives and dealing with their own issues of raising kids while surviving in this matrix…

I realize how hard it’s been keeping contact with others. Sometimes it’s like I’m going from zero to 80mph in meeting people but still feeling displaced, I think God/Universe/MY TEAM has Been holding ME back BEcause the time wasn’t right. I think I grew a lot these past few weeks, I have to keep TRUSTing that I will get exactly what I need, what I deserve.

Today I feel even more ungrounded, what’s the VALUE if being in this fantasy BElieving others will SEE the same VISION as you. When will the connections come? The division BEtween my REALITY and fantasy feels like a lot of teasing and taunting. The puzzle starts falling into place and then it’s gone…this cannot be what I truly asked for. Thanx for this experience God/Universe/MY TEAM…

Stacy and I had our weekly phone date, I ended up venting and telling her that I FEEL God/Universe has been teasing ME, taunting ME with glimpses of what could BE and then they are gone, I gave her multiple instances of what has been transpiring in my LIFE. I’m not looking for answers; I know I’m the only one that can figure this out. She told me how sad she was, then she used words like hard and frustrating…I realized that those words felt suffocating to ME. WE talked about the powers that words hold. WE talked about worldwide problems and the insanity of what others place value on. I told her about one of my ideas feeding the homeless people in the park…mayBE this is something Winslow would want to HELP with, I would like a male presence especially since they are mostly men. I’m telling him about my idea tonight while we sip wine on top of The Raven and discuss world changing possibilities.

When I ended the conversation, she said she would pray for ME, I asked for her not to think about the sad, hard, frustrated words…maybe prayers of GRATITUDE…if breakdowns always lead to breakthroughs then I’m closer to where I need to BE…Where is my STRENGTH to continue today? Where is the support in taking this DREAM to the next level?

What in the WORLD is GROUNDing ME TODAY?

I AM going to focus on changing words today…

hard>>>EASY; TRANQUIL; UNCOMPLICATED

frustrated>>>ENCOURAGED; NURTURED; PROMOTED; STIMULATED; INSPIRED

sad>>>BLISSFUL; ECSTATIC; APPRECIATED; ELATED

WHY knots…

While I was shopping for a client yesterday the woman in front of ME at the checkout line asked ME if I’d like a piece of gum…then the lady BEhind ME helped me get some dividers that fell on the other side of the belt, these women actually acknowledged me and engaged. Is my energy changing? Are people starting to notice me? Appreciate me?

The other day I had dinner with Winslow. He cooked tuna on a grill at Thumb Butte park and then we drove back to his place where he already had a salad and rice prepared. While we were at the park waiting for the coals to get hot, I showed him the dowsing rods I made. The first rods I made were destroyed after I got back from the UK. They kept directing me to Prescott, at that time I saw no future here. I bent them up, threw them in the trash and went to Hawaii…then the strange turn of events after I got back to Arizona seven month later led ME to BElieve I would find HOME here…Now I’m not sure, at one time I felt GROUNDEDed here but not anymore. I know Winslow would like to BE more than friends but he is too etherical and I think he is dealing with a lot of conflict between his heart and his head right now…I’m not physically attracted to him and today I feel stifled and constricted because the male energy I was hoping for is gone. Today I SEE no more FUTURE here…

The realization of the dream I created around Brooklyn and his talents has BEen heavy on my HEART the past few days. The closure I was hoping to find when I hiked to the Hassayampa has only intensified my DESIRE to have his story and talents in my LIFE. Together I saw us creating an empire of healing and giving back. Where is that extroverted energy I’ve been praying for? His story was the one I wanted to be associated with, all I could see was how WE WEre going to rise above the past, how together WE WEre going to be the example of thoughts becoming REALITY and the example of the ABUNDANCE that is possible when you live a different way. I have to keep REALizing that something has been guiding ME the past few years…GOD/Universe…whoever please help ME remove him from my heart, my mind, my dream…why am I holding on to the memory of him???

My DIL contacted me, this happens about once a year. We had a great conversation about food and dietary changes. She sent me a text later telling me she ordered the book she was interested in, Grain Brain, and wrote that she wanted to go on the 30-day plan. My response was that if I didn’t have to work I would go to Colorado and help her get started, her reply, “That would be awesome.” Then I told her an idea I had for KFC, it came to me after we were discussing the restaurant business in Pagossa Springs and her observations. Her response to my idea was met with the usual blocks of corporate rules and regulations…why doesn’t anyone else see the possibilities of making small changes?

Once again I’m feeling stifled in this sea of limitations…there has to be at least one HUMAN on this planet that can see the possibilities and help ME to the next level…how can I keep going on when there isn’t a counterpart to help ME articulate my ideas? I LOVE my introversion, my introspection, my ability to see the what if’s, the LOVE I have in my HEART wants to explode today and I’m not seeing anything in my range of vision to direct it…I want to leave today…I don’t see anyplace to land. One of the things I’m realizing is that sex is very grounding for me…and there is no place to direct that energy either…there just isn’t any pleasure in IT if you play alone. Once again I’m feeling stuck in a state of limbo searching for a direction to soar…where is the stability? Where is the GROUNDing? Why am I on this planet today?

Is it the energies of the full moon causing these waves of emotions and self doubts? Or is it from knowing, hearing, what others are saying about planetary alignments and events? Where is my true north? I feel like exploding into a billion different pieces; I VISION each piece is landing on the people that need the ENERGY the most. I’m tired of FEELing like I’m casting my pearls before swine…well that’s kind of mean…I’m tired of trying to heap my LOVE and SUPPORT on a paradigm that refuse to look at the what if’s. Even Brooklyn, as advanced as I felt he was, wasn’t the visionary and a little resistant to my ideas…but then who in their right mind BElieves anything I say if there is no VISIBLE evidence in my outside world?

Do I need to deny myself again? Do I have to stay in this cage of limitations surrounded by the ENERGY of always fixing and repairing the breaks and leaks I see? What happened to that HOME where I felt PEACE? Why is it BEing denied to ME? To think you’ve finally started achieving your lifelong dream and it’s ripped out by some unknown force. What’s the use in BEing ME if there isn’t an equal exchange of ENERGY? I’m exhausted BEing ME…and yet I’m still working on finding my niche on this planet of chaos and confusion. I’m tired of people telling ME how BRILLIANT my ideas are yet there isn’t anyone that wants to play with the ideas…I want to BE gone today…PLEASE just make it quick, painless and out of MY range of VISION…I’m tired of this game…my body is starting to feel all knotted up and constricted, where is the EXPANSION today?

HEYOKA

The past couple weeks I’ve been working on engaging more in FaceBook groups and getting some positive responses:

I find it hard to keep connections going, rarely will my friends contact me so all my relationships feel one way. I’m the friend that helps and will be there if they need me, I also know I distance myself because it’s draining always looking out for others. Most people are stuck in a loop of negativity and I’m usually the one trying to hold up the vibration. As much as I hate to be alone, it’s much easier living inside my head.

…although my story of feeling like pi before it was discovered wasn’t well received, one person was encouraging and said, “I’m sure you’ll find your niche” …someday I’m sure I will.

I haven’t decided if BEing active on the Face Book groups I’m in is a good thing or not. Although it is COMFORTing knowing there are others struggling with similar issues as ME, it can BE disHEARTening reading from others who still FEEL so wounded. Will WE ever gain clarity over the whys?

Why WEre WE born seeing a BEtter day? Why is there so much suffering and resistance when WE can SEE the potential for a BETTER day? Why do our minds get stuck in loop of negativity and fear? Why do WE feel so POWERless in this WORLD? I BELIEVE that as a collective WE can HELP each other HEAL if WE can get past feeling like victims. If we all open our hearts and learn to TRUST…but how can we when we have all felt BEtrayed and broken by the imPERFET humans we TRUSTed to protect us?

At one time I thought I wanted the freedom to feel like a 5 year old BEcause I’ve never felt safe as a CHILD…now I’m not sure. Right now I see this as the spirit of the HEYOKA, is this where I BElong?  It isn’t easy navigating this life when there isn’t a counterpart, a partner, an adult to watch over you and hold your hand when you cross the street. BEsides, it isn’t easy FEELing like the only one searching for alternative ways to LIVE, focusing on a new way and a different outcome when there is no one else willing to PLAY the game your way… How do I out this inside today?

AGAPE

Dear Winslow,

I appreciate that my FRIENDship has helped you BEgin to heal your HEART…although I’m sure it had already started, our talks probably brought it to the next level.

Maybe I wasn’t very clear about my friendships, most of them start out intense and just kind of fizzle. I now know part of the problem is who I am. Most people don’t want to keep going where I do and some believe I over think everything…I know I can make people uncomfortable because people like me can be a mirror to their insecurities. There are very few people that “get” me so I really value our talks…mayBE I should change that thought to I AM a MIRROR to SECURE… 🙂

When I’m feeling conflict I tend to get single focused and can appear aloof or uncaring…during those times it’s almost like I’m out of my body, hovering overhead trying to figure out the feeling, “is it mine?”, “is it the person I’m with?”, “is this part of a collective?” Most of the time I don’t even know, those are the times I just need to escape and get back to my core, which is what I did yesterday.

Right now I know my own conflict is trying to figure out where I’m supposed to be and the struggle to cut the cord with Brooklyn. I did tell you about my last letter to him and now I’m worried that you want more than just a friendship with me, I think I did tell you that I got off of the dating sites because I wasn’t sure if I was ready for an intimate relationship because I keep thinking about him…I realize that it’s probably not about him in particular but I saw a lot of his strengths that are my weaknesses and had high hopes that he was the one I’ve been waiting for.

Yesterday I went for a walk to the Hassayampa where Brooklyn and I used to go hoping that I could get some kind of closure and move on…it didn’t happen.  The only thing I can make up about this is God/Universe…or maybe I’m telling myself that I need to feel more independent before I get into another intimate relationship.

I really do value you as a friend and would love to help you in your journey. We are both on a similar path and think we could be good for each other, yet afraid that I’m leading you on…until I can find closure and cut the cord to Brooklyn it wouldn’t be fair for anyone…I have a lot of healing to do too. Your stories do not wear me out…most people only want someone to dump on but you are genuinely trying which is encouraging. I appreciate your friendship.

Agape

Lila

Sit back and enjoy the ride…

Yesterday I was really hoping to find some closure going back to the Hassayampa. Even my usual visualization felt detached and confusing…maybe BEcause of memories of him and the dogs kept appearing…at one time I thought I could hear his voice muddled in the sound of the river. I was really hoping that getting on a couple dating sites and meeting more men would distract ME from the fantasy I was creating with him…

I’ve decided to BEcome a member of Polka Dot POWERHOUSE. Although I’ve BEen spending more money than I’m comfortable with, I need to keep focusing on how each purchase is taking ME to another level of self improvement and trusting that it is always there when I need it…deep breaths…I can comfortably keep up this pace for a couple months. I have to keep trusting that my living arrangement, as invasive as it feels most of the time, is helping to heal a generational pattern for my kids and grand kids.

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS…There were a couple prayers answered yesterday. I’m taking on a new client, a replacement for my Alzheimer’s client that was feeling like drudgery. I was asking for a new assignment and also more money because I want to have an allergy test and possibly buy some tools for my new venture. The new client wants 5 days a week for a few hours in the morning, I told my supervisor I could probably manage him and my Quad for a few weeks because I need the extra income right now.

I hope to hear from Winslow soon…last Sunday we talked about meeting every Sunday for “Church”, a walk in the forest, I do enjoy his company. It isn’t easy trying to solve problems and hold up the VIBRATION of the world alone. BEsides that, he knows what it feels like to BE a portal of LOVE…