BE for ME

Yesterday this post was on INFJ-The Counselor Facebook page:

Hey guys, It’s been a long time since I last thought, “I’m freaking weird, why the hell am I this way?!” Actually I stopped believing it when I found out I wasn’t crazy, I was just an INFJ …IT could have BEen ME…IT was just another confused and lost SOUL stuck on a planet WE don’t COMPREHEND.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubbornness and tendency to ignore other people’s opinions. They believe that they’re right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves – there’s always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don’t often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don’t believe in compromising their ideals.~ themindsjournal.com

Yesterday was 4/22…nothing significant happened. I took a drive to the Hassayampa River, mayBE for the last TIME. My PURPOSE to go there was to get some closure and burn a journal. The journal I chose was from 2013, written while I was in Mexico….. as I tore pages out to BE consumed I read a sentence or two and realized it’s been three years and all the words WEre the same; the angst of feeling different, the sadness and regret over ALLOWing others to have control over my DESTINY…what more do I need to HEAL?

MayBE I need to FORGIVE myself for not moving forward…I need to remind myself that when I set out on this journey I had absolutely no idea who I was and had ALLOWed myself to be led. I need to keep reminding myself that I ALLOWed myself to BE denied expression of my CHILDhood wounds…denied having control of money, denied of decision making…I need to keep reminding myself that not knowing how different my thoughts and BEliefs are doesn’t mean I AM wrong…I guess I AM a little sad today that I lived my life shrouded in the veil I ALLOWed others to put ME under. LOL I know there was a reason for this LIFE; why I’ve felt so separate from this world.

Last night I spent my usual Friday evening sitting on top of the Raven with Winslow watching the sunset and solving the problems of the world. He’s BEen a constant companion for a few WEeks now and I still haven’t shared this inner world of mine with him… the mask I wear is for the most part positive and I try to be UPLIFTing despite the despair and sorrow I FEEL for the humans that are so unAWARE of the manipulation and control tptb have placed on them…not even realizing that I AM part of this EQUATION of LIFE…the fact that I allowed others to hold ME down, placed ME under a veil and silenced ME only indicates that I AM WE…I AM one of THEM…I have lived a LIFE of SELF denial; shamed and controlled BEcause I ALLOWed others to define ME.

This month marks nine months since I decided to settle down and live here in Prescott in what was originally a temporary job and a temporary bed…nine months…I AM READY to give birth to a  LIFE. Next week I’ll BE interviewing for a volunteer position that I hope will EVOLVE into a permanent position… fingers crossed…I hope I pass the test…next week I’ll be buying my own bed and bedding; preparing for my BIG move to a private space…LIFE still feels temporary…I AM READY TO give BIRTH to a LIFE that is sustainable FOR ME…I AM READY for a PURPOSEful LIFE…I AM READY to live the LIFE that was meant to BE FOR ME…

Today I’ll sort through my stuff and purge what I no longer need and get ready for my big move…I AM READY for another REALITY.

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DELUSION:

A delusion is a belief held with strong conviction despite superior evidence to the contrary. As a pathology, it is distinct from a belief based on false or incomplete information, confabulation, dogma, illusion, or other effects of perception. Delusions typically occur in the context of neurological or mental illness, although they are not tied to any particular disease and have been found to occur in the context of many pathological states. However, they are of particular diagnostic importance in psychotic disorders including schizophrenia, paraphrenia, manic episodes of bipolar disorder, and psychotic depression. ~ Freebase

MayBE I’m just psychotically depressed…it’s BEen there all MY LIFE…

They say INFJs are known to have active imaginations and are extroverted HEROs in their own minds…they also say that no one LOVEs another person like an HSP…

I was BORN to BE in a BIGger LIFE…why have I always felt like my purpose was to pick up the crap everyone leaves BEhind? The other day I told Winslow that crap was an acronym for chronic redundant asswipe projections…crap is another WORD that no longer GETs an UPpercase in MY LIFE.

MY LIFE has BEcome WORKING a job of drudgery cleaning up other peoples’ homes FOR people who rarely know the names of all their CHILDREN…LOL what AM I learning from this? I COME home and pickup after my room mates, take care of dogs that aren’t mine and one of them so out of control everyone yells at HER…I don’t like HEARing anger…I’m tired and have no energy to continue and all I can think is how that brief life with Brooklyn was…What did I LOVE about HIM?

I LOVED how HE was concerned about my health.

I LOVED how HE noticed my body.

I LOVED cooking with HIM.

I LOVED that HE knew when I needed a pillow, or was cold…

I LOVED learning with HIM.

I LOVED that HE liked ME BEtter without MAKEUP.

I LOVED how HE GROUNDed ME…

There is nothing I’m finding to take ME out of this funk…not just today, IT’s BEcome everyday the past few weeks. HUMAN CONNECTION just isn’t tHERE; I AM moving in ten days…Prescott felt so comfortable at first, now I’m thinking about moving again…

I started to search for another LIFE in Brazil, I found a ticket and a community much like the one I’ve BEen dreaming about on Helpx. It’s been 9 months trying to birth something HERE… I’m searching for something sustainable, searching for community, companionship…IT’s not HERE, is IT anywHERE?

MayBE I AM delusional I wish someone would commit ME. Put ME in a house in the middle of the forest…what else? Some one to dream with? I wish someone would show up…the conscious cognizant partner I was praying for when Brooklyn showed up.

One of the hardest things for ME to do is to not FEEL responsible for everyone elses HAPPINESS and welfare…I keep blocking people out of MY LIFE, I can’t deal with the drama that comes with BEing unAWARE of how WE project our crap on others…

Is IT REAL or is IT Memorex? GOD/UNIVERSE get ME out of this loop…take ME off of this planet I don’t comprehend…What is GROUNDing ME on this planet TODAY? I’ve Been HERE before…and I know I’m not the only one, there are many on this planet that feel the same as ME…Why are WE HERE? Why do WE FEEL like the only ones in our tribe searching for the GREATER GOOD? Why do WE feel a need to BE searching, connecting to our own TRIBE right NOW?

WHERE FROM HERE???

Frantically searching for the next story…I AM in dire need of CHANGE.

I want my own space, I want my own life…I want my own bed, sheets…

What is IT that keeps ME from living LIFE as I want to LIVE IT?

I’m searching for signs everywhere today even searching the internet hoping to get something promising through e mail but it’s all newsletters and adverts. There really isn’t anything new I want to learn today, I’ve HEARD it all BEfore. Just like LIFE RIGHT NOW, learning feels like endless rhetoric… What’s the use of knowledge if there is no outlet for IT to BE RELEASED? For some reason LIFE isn’t WORKing FOR ME…where is IT? what AM I just an Illusion?

MY SOUL desire today is to feel there is a fucking VALUE in BEing ME. How do I BREAK out of this cage of LIMITATIONS? What more does a girl need to do to FEEL VALUE on this planet? There is no FUEL…my body, my mind was never meant to BE HERE at this time…IT’s about the money…evidently ITs the only thing making this world go round. I’m trying to comprehend how a child of 6 was sent the message of having no VALUE…mayBE that’s where I got the message I don’t deserve a bed of my own with my own bedding…what more does a girl need? Oh yea a PURPOSE…feeling degraded, there is no outlet for this ENERGY to disperse and I want to explode. What’s the sense in continuing? I have nothing left to give anyone…

This weekend I grudgingly went to work a few hours as a fill in for yet another Alzheimer’s client…her daughter was visiting and WE ended up talking for a couple hours comparing her Aspergers to my HSP…I guess it was a day of therapy for both of us and how different WE feel from the rest of the world…

I was asking for a sign today and decided to look at my e mail another way…maybe IT WAS a MESSAGE from UNIVERSE…for some reason I read the content from the four new messages from the bottom up: 1. Hostel deals to brighten your M…2. Global Messangers/Shift to So…3. TIME SENSITIVE: It’s Happening…4. Start the week with Rolling Sto…

I put on Pandora Rolling Stones…Is this a sign???

The PLAYlist started with a couple BEginnings of songs…I don’t even remember what songs THEY WEre but both WEre about not giving UP… something HAPPENed and then a couple rap type songs came on…IT was on Dance (A$$) Radio, the songs were crude and degrading for women…the stations are only on my PLAYlist BEcause WE WEre searching for DANCE music when I was in Hawaii and I don’t know how to delete IT from my PLAYlist.

I clicked on Gin Wigmore Radio thinking I should have chosen Sia Radio, this is what came up:

Sunday~Sia

Let it Be~Blackmill

Porcelain~Moby

Mad World~Alex Parks

Stepping Stone~Duffy

Hello~Adele

BE OK~Ingrid Michaelson

There was SIGNIFICANCE in each song… Where is the support I’ve BEen searching for all MY LIFE? Is this IT?

Home~Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros…

OK I’m stopping this madness NOW…is there a meaning to this? AM I delusional? Are you in Brazil???

MayBE I AM delusional…what’s the use of BEing a MAGICal thinker if IT isn’t possible??? IT’s easier BEing in MY fantasy than your REALITY…Where do I go from HERE?

The street’s a liar

I’m gonna lure you into the dark

My cold desire

To hear the boom, boom, boom of your heart ~ Gin Wigmore

THE SPACE BEtween

“So please, if you are in the sacred space between stories, allow yourself to be there. It is frightening to lose the old structures of security, but you will find that even as you might lose things that were unthinkable to lose, you will be okay. There is a kind of grace that protects us in the space between stories. It is not that you won’t lose your marriage, your money, your job, or your health. In fact, it is very likely that you will lose one of these things. It is that you will discover that even having lost that, you are still okay. You will find yourself in closer contact to something much more precious, something that fires cannot burn and thieves cannot steal, something that no one can take and cannot be lost.” ~ Charles Eisenstein

 

MayBE the space of the unKNOWN and not KNOWing WHO, what or where I AM at this place and time…still feeling in BEtween REALities of what is and what could BE; what is blocking ME from whatever IT IS; the ENERGY that fuels MY SOUL.

The other day Winslow and I went for a drive through the forest and discussed my mission and not knowing what I’m supposed to BE doing, what VALUE there is in BEing ME in the REAL WORLD…the one of commerce. He agrees that I AM a fountain of great ideas…he’s not the only one that has told me this…but what is the use if these ideas are only in my head? What is the PURPOSE of thinking your ideas could change anything when there is no one helping to realize the dreams? …what is this? What is IT?

My thoughts keep going back to my conversation with my coach the other day. Why do I feel I need another person in my life BEfore I decided what to create? MayBE IT’s the lifetime of feeling alone in projects and DREAMs. MayBE IT’s the result of years of sabotage from someone I thought wanted to BE my PARTNER…mayBE IT’s a LIFEtime of FEELing neglected and unHEARD, mayBE IT’s the LIFEtime of SEEing a BIGger plan; another WAY of BEing on this planet…why am I always BEing told by others how GREAT and innovated my ideas are yet there is no partner willing to work with ME? I’ve BEen HERE BEfore…how do I shift this feeling of doing alone? BEing alone…

I guess this feeling of sadness this morning is about not knowing how to BE any other way on this planet. Is IT only learned BEhavior or is IT who I AM supposed to BE the rest of my LIFE on this planet I don’t comprehend? I’ve BEen working hard to show up another way… I AM feeling disILLUSIONed by life…how do I shift this feeling today??? I AM feeling weary…please God/Universe/whoever you are…  help ME find a different experience today… REJUVENATED; INVIGORATED; STRENGTHENED…all this and more…what’s the use of BEing HERE? What is the PURPOSE of BEing in a constant state of flux? How does LIFE BEtter than this?

IT

Next Friday is 4/22…I wonder if there is a meaning to this. Recently I found the note I had written at some point in time that somehow FOUND IT’s way from SURPRISE, AZ to Parker, AZ…along with the pay-stub from my sons work dated 4/22/2010…IT was a freaky thing because the day I found both of them on the laundry room floor was 4/22/2015…is this a sign? Is there a significance in that day?

MONEY is feeling tight and I decided to sell the welding equipment that Brooklyn and I purchased…I’m taking a $200 loss but with my move and needing a bed and a desk it will serve my needs. I guess $200 is a cheap lesson to realize the connection wasn’t what you really needed…what is irritating, frustrating and perplexing is that when he showed up the end of last year, he appeared to BE everything I had BEen asking God/Universe for. I thought that making my horse heads again would REVIVE the PASSION I once had, I guess a $200 lesson in opening another wound was what God/Universe thought I needed…

What’s frustrating is that since WE broke up, I FEEL kind of lost and unGROUNDED…HE was so GROUNDing…what is this telling ME? Why would someone who appeared so perfect show up only to disappear? I realize his faults; the defenses he uses to hide the pain of separation and abandonment. He puts on a hard exterior and appears to BE more comfortable, FORGIVEing and intimate with animals and nature than in a PARTNER… does IT make ME wrong to see the CHILD BEhind the man? Am I wrong for wanting to find a MATE willing to RELATE? A huMAN to EXPLORE the wounds and the willingness to GO ALL THE WAY WITH ME to heal?

Yesterday afternoon I had a conversation with my coach; afterward I felt defeated and wanted to cry…I can’t articulate my need for a collaborator BEing in my life BEfore I put any more ENERGY towards anything…how does one get over the wounds of FEELing like everything they VALUED IN LIFE was taken away from them? Not just my marriage, all my life…all I’m asking for today is a sign…anything to make ME want to stay HERE.

Connection for ME is usually one way but recently I have a few men texting and e mailing ME yet IT still feels empty…

dear herpes,

THANX for showing up in my life again. I AM GRATEFUL for your now monthly or more visits.

What are you telling me today? What is it about you? Why are you showing up at this time?

What I’m making up about you today is that you are either a manifestation of the confusion I feel in this world or a visual reminder of how IMPERFECT I AM…

Right NOW my SOUL desire is to SHINE and every time you show UP I want to hide.

I APPRECIATE you, I AM GRATEFUL for you BEing in MY LIFE at this time but IT’s time to go away…YOU no longer get an upper case in MY LIFE…YOU no longer SERVE ME.

Sending LOVE,

LILA

Today HOME FEELs too much like work and I can’t wait until I move, IT’s almost unREAL…IT’s unique. IT sounds like everything I’ve BEen asking for, but until I find something more SUSTAINABLE I guess I’ll still FEEL like I’m hovering above; searching for the cord to CONNECT ME to this place I don’t comprehend…

I got a message on FaceBook from someone who HEARd ME on Introspectology. She thanked ME for sharing BEcause SHE identified with HSP…omg…I haven’t even heard the interview or promoted it. I was actually hoping that if I didn’t send a picture of myself she would just forget about ME…I hate impromptu; ask ME a question and I have at least 3 different answers…I’ve never felt comfortable with my VOICE…with BEing SEEN. Funny that one of my BIG DREAMS is my worse fear; to BE NOTICED and not want to hide…to BE SEEN and not FEEL violated EMOTIONally or FINACIALly. To not FEEL shame for BEing a WOMAN…I AM tired of FEELing so unGROUNDED with no DIRECTION…stagnant and unwilling to take a step in any direction…what is my PURPOSE of BEing HERE if there is no one else willing to PLAY? Why am I HERE? What IS IT?

ENDURING

 

Why do humans want to fit in with the collective when the collective is so damaged and broken, unaware of the feelings, unaware of the manipulation and control?

My mind has been wondering back to my 3-year-old self…One of the stories in my family is the time I wouldn’t wake up from a nap. I remember not wanting to wake up, I remember my Dad and sisters trying to wake me and then getting me dressed and taking me to the hospital. I even remembered thinking that I would be in trouble when they found out I was faking. I don’t have any memories after walking into the hospital. My family doesn’t believe that I was aware, all I remember is that I just didn’t want to BE HERE, or maybe there…maybe because I picked up on the anger and confusion, maybe BEcause I didn’t feel wanted. You know who wanted ME? Pedophiles and sharks… whatever it was really doesn’t matter anymore, it’s over. Why do I keep going back there?

I think about the times I couldn’t sleep at night and going to everyones bed wanting someone to stay up with ME…I keep thinking, if that was my daughter or sister I would have her climb in bed with ME and hold her…

Another thought is that I wet to bed until I was 12…the shame of sleeping on sheets that hadn’t been washed in days…re-positioning myself so I didn’t have to sleep on the smelly spot…

LOL…then I married a man that would never hear my stories. If I tried to talk to him about my childhood he would either go into a derogatory diatribe calling my parents names or try to sexualize every interaction I had with a male, even childhood friends…I stopped trying to defend everyone involved. I wasn’t asking for retribution only validation… yet he dumped all his sad stories on me, eventually I BEcame a prisoner to his pain…why am I going over that story? Maybe it’s BEcause I realize how wounded my 3-year-old feels right now…

One of the things I’m realizing is that I’m starting to BE surrounded by male energy…My new landlord is a male. This is a huge thing for ME, since I’ve started traveling one of my conditions has BEen to only room or stay with women. This time I told God/Universe that I wasn’t putting a condition on whatever showed up as long as it was moral and ethical and working for the greater good…

Winslow and I are BEcoming good friends and I have a couple guys I met at the HSP Gathering coming to visit while they are in AZ next month, my favorite client, the Quad, is a male…LOL…I hope male energy is what I need, it’s what I’ve BEen praying for and now I have a few sources of male ENERGY showing up…if not THIS, something else, something beyond my wildest DREAMS.

Money is getting pretty tight, last month I hired a life coach that is HSP and INFJ. I’ve committed myself to go to the chiropractor weekly for a few months, I’m making payments on my Jett for a few more years and now I’ll be paying rent. I know I can keep up this pace for a couple months and I have to keep TRUSTing that income will start coming in from places unexpected.

I’m so ready to take a leap from this reality, I could BE out of this place in a few hours. I’ve grown a lot HERE in the past 8 months and I realize how many holes are in my internal boundaries…PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE…

Did you exchange,

A walk on part in the war

For a lead role in a cage? ~ Pink Floyd