What will FUEL MY SOUL today? Last night I went to BEd sometime after 6, maybe it was 7…what is TIME anyway and why does IT matter? How is it possible to BE in the HERE and now if the entity of end…need…what is this FEELing today? Sadness is what was PREVALENT when I woke up at 4:30, I’m sleeping later the past couple months, I didn’t get up but lay in BEd for a while thinking of the DREAMs I started sharing with Brooklyn, how I was praying for a CONSCIOUS, COGNIZANT, CONSTANT partner to show up when he did…I was PRAYing for a partner that knew what it felt like to “lose” everything in the “real” world…I was PRAYing FOR someone to help ME in my eating habits…I was PRAYing FOR someone to add MUSIC to my life…I was PRAYing for someone that could see at least one of my visions and HELP ME carry it through…I was PRAYing for someone to help GROUND ME…I was PRAYing FOR someone that was CONSCIOUS of what they ingested in their bodies and their MINDs…I was PRAYing for someone that was striving to BE the BEst human possible…there WEre so many moments of spontaneous laughter for ME when I was with him…I guess I need to BE GRATEFUL for this emptiness today.
I was searching this morning for the BEginning of a book he wanted ME to edit, I don’t know wHERE IT is now and I don’t want to go through the emails…mayBE I should. I AM TRYING to finish everything I started, he had no response to the editing on the first chapter so I stopped…mayBE I need to finish IT and send IT to him…mayBE not. Why AM I still not FEELing closure to this relationship? I know it’s not really about him but the DREAMs I created around him…there has to BE at least ONE more with the same PASSION of helping others SUCCEED…but how? I’ve never done it myself? At least he’s had huge successes in his LIFE and has the passion to MAKE IT HAPPEN again.
For some reason my welding equipment isn’t selling, mayBE when IT sells I’ll BE able to let go of that DREAM again…I only RESSURECTed IT BEcause he was the 4th person that thought I should start making my horses again. Last summer I saw a store owner that told ME she would buy them if I started making them again. At that TIME, I had absolutely no DESIRE to start welding again until I met Brooklyn. He had a similar idea of TEACHing OTHERS to DO IT but his vision took IT a step further, he has the knowledge and background to help others BEcome independent contractors. He appeared so CONSCIOUS. I tried to do IT myself after WE broke up, all I did was cut out enough to make 3 more, one for each of my kids. There are so many wounds around this project…the price is good, there is less than 40 hours on the equipment. I don’t want to think about IT anymore.
I decided to take a picture of the horse and use IT as a profile picture on my new Facebook page, Tanglefoot Creek. After I decided name my new place Tanglefoot in honor of the daisies that are scattered around the property, I researched the name and found out that in 1933 Mickey Mouse was hoodwinked into buying a racehorse that was READY FOR the glue factory. His name was Tanglefoot, he kept losing races but through Mickey’s LOVE and SUPPORT, Tanglefoot finally won a race as a biped…I resonated with that horse. Where is my Mickey?
Today I need to FOCUS on what wasn’t working BEtween Brooklyn and ME. He wouldn’t DANCE WITH ME… what else? …I think he might have some bipolar issues; my issue is I was raised by a mentally unstable male and married to an emotionally unstable MAN, I guess craziness is my normal. I keep thinking about his cousin telling ME that she knew Brooklyn would eventually MEet someone that understands him…I guess HE didn’t understand ME, IT has to BE someone a lot like him. wHERE is that partner I’ve BEen PRAYing for? What HAPPENed to that ENERGY? wHERE is that spontaneous laughter I felt with him?