SLIPIN’ MICKEYS

What will FUEL MY SOUL today? Last night I went to BEd sometime after 6, maybe it was 7…what is TIME anyway and why does IT matter? How is it possible to BE in the HERE and now if the entity of end…need…what is this FEELing today? Sadness is what was PREVALENT when I woke up at 4:30, I’m sleeping later the past couple months, I didn’t get up but lay in BEd for a while thinking of the DREAMs I started sharing with Brooklyn, how I was praying for a CONSCIOUS, COGNIZANT, CONSTANT partner to show up when he did…I was PRAYing for a partner that knew what it felt like to “lose” everything in the “real” world…I was PRAYing FOR someone to help ME in my eating habits…I was PRAYing FOR someone to add MUSIC to my life…I was PRAYing for someone that could see at least one of my visions and HELP ME carry it through…I was PRAYing for someone to help GROUND ME…I was PRAYing FOR someone that was CONSCIOUS of what they ingested in their bodies and their MINDs…I was PRAYing for someone that was striving to BE the BEst human possible…there WEre so many moments of spontaneous laughter for ME when I was with him…I guess I need to BE GRATEFUL for this emptiness today.

I was searching this morning for the BEginning of a book he wanted ME to edit, I don’t know wHERE IT is now and I don’t want to go through the emails…mayBE I should. I AM TRYING to finish everything I started, he had no response to the editing on the first chapter so I stopped…mayBE I need to finish IT and send IT to him…mayBE not. Why AM I still not FEELing closure to this relationship? I know it’s not really about him but the DREAMs I created around him…there has to BE at least ONE more with the same PASSION of helping others SUCCEED…but how? I’ve never done it myself? At least he’s had huge successes in his LIFE and has the passion to MAKE IT HAPPEN again.

For some reason my welding equipment isn’t selling, mayBE when IT sells I’ll BE able to let go of that DREAM again…I only RESSURECTed IT BEcause he was the 4th person that thought I should start making my horses again. Last summer I saw a store owner that told ME she would buy them if I started making them again. At that TIME, I had absolutely no DESIRE to start welding again until I met Brooklyn. He had a similar idea of TEACHing OTHERS to DO IT but his vision took IT a step further, he has the knowledge and background to help others BEcome independent contractors. He appeared so CONSCIOUS. I tried to do IT myself after WE broke up, all I did was cut out enough to make 3 more, one for each of my kids. There are so many wounds around this project…the price is good, there is less than 40 hours on the equipment. I don’t want to think about IT anymore.

I decided to take a picture of the horse and use IT as a profile picture on my new Facebook page, Tanglefoot Creek. After I decided name my new place Tanglefoot in honor of the daisies that are scattered around the property, I researched the name and found out that in 1933 Mickey Mouse was hoodwinked into buying a racehorse that was READY FOR the glue factory. His name was Tanglefoot, he kept losing races but through Mickey’s LOVE and SUPPORT, Tanglefoot finally won a race as a biped…I resonated with that horse. Where is my Mickey?

Today I need to FOCUS on what wasn’t working BEtween Brooklyn and ME. He wouldn’t DANCE WITH ME… what else? …I think he might have some bipolar issues; my issue is I was raised by a mentally unstable male and married to an emotionally unstable MAN, I guess craziness is my normal. I keep thinking about his cousin telling ME that she knew Brooklyn would eventually MEet someone that understands him…I guess HE didn’t understand ME, IT has to BE someone a lot like him. wHERE is that partner I’ve BEen PRAYing for? What HAPPENed to that ENERGY? wHERE is that spontaneous laughter I felt with him?

INTENTION

So many emotions came up over the weekend…on Saturday someone in a Facebook group wrote about her upcoming hysterectomy and how much emotion she is dealing with, she indicated that maybe that is where she is holding the grief of having her newborn taken from her right after he was born for a few days because of his medical issues.This reminded of my daughter. IT’s one of the unspoken tragedies in our lives, her 3 miscarriages…the first one was on the date of my birth, I don’t remember the year, all I know is that I was in Iowa for “his” vacation, “his” fantasy job of working on a farm, which was basically driving a John Deere around his brother in Law’s gmo farm. Bill always had cash to purchase the latest model, he was a businessman and I think he only looks at the numbers, not the science…much like an allopathic doctor only see’s the chemical, not the human…I was always there to help support his dreams.

I never hear my daughter talk about her three miscarriages, she holds her feelings inside and I was wondering if she was holding the memories of her unborn children in her womb and has been dealing with the grief of losing them again once she had the surgery….  I was surprised, actually kind of shocked, when she sent me a text on Sunday and wrote that she commissioned an artist to paint a picture for her; three flowers representing the babies she lost and 3 birds representing her children…funny that on Friday I found a rock with the number 3 written in dirt, I posted a picture of it on facebook…the number three was the theme for my weekend. We sent a few texts back and forth and we both cried, I would have loved to talk to her about it but she has BEen resistant to speak to ME about anything for a long time now, I understand…I’m not the woman I used to BE.

During a meditation around 4 pm yesterday afternoon I had a weird experience and wrote about IT as IT was HAPPENing…here IT IS:

….WHOA….I just was transcended into a dream from last night, I don’t really remember what it was, I just saw a flash of it in a vision to my left…now I’m feeling a lot of pressure on the left side of my body…warm pressure on the left side of my head…tingly…radiating through my brain, stopping at the bridge of my nose, mostly on the left like there is a block, a clear division between my left and right side…kind of like that gap in the rock I took a picture of , I’ve decided to start a facebook page about Tanglefoot creek, and post pictures of different creations or facts I find throughtoutth the..I just lost the thought…this expansion feels so huge…what does this mean? The reality is this is only ME experiencing this feeling…remember ME?  The one no one BELIEVEs in, no one supports…not that anyone doesn’t think I AM BRILLIANT…there’s just no one that sees the same dreams, I know there has to BE ONE…at least ONE FUCKing huMAN out there that SEEs the same dreams as ME…

The experience left me frazzled and wondering if there was a meaning, was it a shift? Afterward I laid on the floor next to my big window and watched the stars…the whole time my body was buzzing, some jerking and feeling someone next to me…feeling like I was being held…feeling on the verge of orgasm…I guess I AM a very SEXual BEing…problem is that I don’t play alone and there isn’t a playmate in my range of vision. I thought that playmate showed up in September…I thought my ex would BE that person eventually…

Oh yea I forgot about his fantasy of becoming a firfighter/paramedic…I sacrificed many years of my life and supported him in his dreams thinking that someday he would want to help ME achieve mine…I AM NOT willing to do this ON my OWN…GOD/UNIVERSE/WHOEVER owes ME big time…I AM still here…why isn’t’ there someone else to play with?

I was born to parents that never told me I was smart or pretty and learned that if I did for others, it would make them happier….why? BEcause I FEEL the anger, pain, blame, shame…whatever… I grew up with mentally challenged male and married an emotionally challenged male…I guess I don’t ask for a lot.  I realize how delusional I AM in thinking that I could any way, shape, or form could help anyone get out from under the crap holding them down…I can’t even find the support to help me stand out…but what is IT? What am I  asking to RECEIVE? MayBE just one extroverted human to see a VISION and help me achieve success with IT…and then I can move on to somethings else… I know MY PRAYERS, WORDS and THOUGHTS, have some power but how is this serving ME if There is no one to share DREAMs with?

I AM searching for a lateral mind that can appreciate my linear mind…one that likes to look at facts and figures and is open to hearing my endless possibilities without too much resistance…men seem to put up a lot of blocks when it comes to exploring possibilities. I AM SEARCHING for someone to share dreams and visions with, someone to explore the deeper meanings and help teach others, someone that is ready to LIVE LIFE to IT’s fullest…Why did Brooklyn show up when he did? I really thought he was the one that would support ME in standing out, using my voice, he was helping ME; encouraging ME to eat healthier, encouraging ME to exercise. There is no one in my range of vision now…it takes so long getting to know someone…

Today I feel like I AM once again fitting myself into everyone elses box…fueling their egos, their cause, their selves. The other day one of my new clients, Squidward, decided he should start calling ME CT…for care taker, the next day he asked ME what I thought about him changing my name. I told him I’m a care giver, not a taker…he hasn’t said anything about it since.

LOL…people tell me all the time what great ideas I have, they admire my intelligence and insight…some of them even see magic happening. What is the block to finding a partner that is searching for the same as ME? Someone with the same PASSION and VISION…wHERE IS the one that’s supposed to share this journey with ME? I haven’t said this in a while, “What ENERGY, SPACE, and CONSCIOUSNESS will it TAKE to find someone that resonates with ME for the next LEAP?? Today I AM setting and INTENTION…I’ve decided to start a facebook page FOR MY HOME…I AM calling IT Tanglefoot Creek; I need a motto…and a mission….

TANGLEFOOT Creek; a place where MAGIC HAPPENs everyday; a place to DREAM; a place wHERE…I’d like to say a place wHERE DREAMs are made, wHEREis the proof? Who would ever BElieve ME? MayBE finding a MISSION statement will BE easier…

wrongful death…

Yesterday morning someone posted a question in a closed HSP group: Have you ever been in so much mental and emotional pain that you prayed for death?”

My reply was, yes…many times, each time I allow myself to hit my emotional bottom, when I  make it to the other side, life seems a little easier…I don’t think I’d ever take my own life but could easily leave…I keep telling myself there is a reason for me being on this planet I don’t comprehend.” I got 6 “likes” on that one.

Only 40 minutes after the question there are already 25 responses…all in the affirmative!!! Why are we here? Why do we all feel so alone? What is the VALUE in FEELing the world so DEEPLY?

The comment that broke MY HEART was: “yes. when i was being abused emotionally and psychologically by a narcissist. he broke me. but i had one friend that grabbed me out of the darkness and saved me and i was able to escape it.

What happened to my SUPPORT?  I’ve BEen thinking a lot lately how alone I’ve felt for so long…my childhood, my marriage…what makes ME even sadder is why Brooklyn showed up APPEARing to BE everything I was hoping for in a partner only to break MY HEART…I know I allowed IT. I really thought he was THE ONE I’ve BEen waiting for all my life…I need to keep reminding myself that what I need will show up when IT’s TIME…so I wait, and wait….I get involved in my projects, study, try to find other things than food for pleasure…hauling rock, creating world wide industries in my mind…I know IT’s only BEen 24 days since I moved but I AM READY for another shift. I’m hoping this time IT’s the REAL business partner I’ve been praying for, not the fake one I got last time…

Even though logically I realize he has his own issues and wasn’t willing to explore them with ME, MY HEART keeps going back to him. MayBE I do tend to only SEE the wounded CHILD that needs HEALing, does that make ME wrong?

This feeling of BEing alone; the struggle to stay in the moment, to BE in the HERE and NOW; the longing for a PARTNER; the fantasy of SEEing endless POSSIBILITIES; the DREAM that I could have a SUCCESSful life if only I had an extroverted business PARTNER BEhind ME… these thoughts don’t stop…does this make ME wrong? Am I wrong for FEELing that whatever IT IS I AM HERE for will only BE REALized once I have someone standing shoulder to shoulder WITH ME? I feel so wrong for BEing alone.

SCREAM

In the last session with my coach before I moved she gave me the assignment of screaming into a pillow… I didn’t complete IT. After my move the scream I felt boiling inside of ME was dissipated. Although I’m having a lot of unexplained emotions coming up during the day, I’m feeling at PEACE in BEing HERE…I AM finding that movement is good FOR ME. I’m realizing that my job of care taking, which is basically cleaning homes of people that can’t do it themselves is starting to feel too stagnant. I know this work is only a means to a goal, yesterday I decided that I would much rather be doing construction cleanup or being a laborer on a construction job…I told Count Dukoo about it when I got home yesterday and he knows a couple people that do construction cleanup, he’s BEen HERE most of his life, HE knows many people.

WE also discussed his desire to host concerts HERE at the Tanglefoot Creek house. I didn’t get a chance to tell him that I had a house concert idea when I first moved to Prescott. Funny that I went out with my old roomy the other night and as WE sat at an outside table at the restaurant The Count and his young friend WEre performing, she indicated she could do this in her backyard…now I wonder if she thinks she came up with the idea…I’m not sure I’d be willing to help her get it started; that ship sailed for ME many months ago and I realize her dreams are not the same as mine. I have a new venue now and working on other dreams

Another thing WE discussed was public speaking…he said he would coach ME if I wanted to do a reading at ONE of the open mike events in town…movement is happening…

This week I’m realizing that my 5-year-old desires are BEing fulfilled…the past weeks my thoughts have BEen suck in the vortex of everything BEing taken away…I SEE IT changing, the green of Kentucky replaced by the Sonora desert…I’m living on a five acre wooded area with a seasonal creek, right in the middle of town; the fascination of the sparklers…The Count said he would teach ME to throw flames; my LOVE of BEing in the wilderness, walking barefoot, collecting rocks…every day outside my back door. I’m going to make soap today…

What’s missing? SomeONE to share this dream with, someone to collaborate and explore projects, someone to LAUGH with, someone to SEE the what is’s while I SEE the what if’s…someone that wants to SEEk a BALANCE…

After my orgasmic morning wake up the other day, I realize that I want to feel free enough to scream. IT took a while but when I was with Brooklyn, I was starting to FEEL comfortable enough with him to start exploring new ways to open UP, use my voice, I was feeling so confident and comfortable with him, what changed? Why do I continue to place a face, a body, an ego in my dream when IT is OBVIOUS he wants nothing to do with ME? How messed UP is this? Intellectually I realize that IT’s only the longing for the dreams WE started creating…I thought WE WEre ON the same page, that our DREAMs and desires WEre the same. I have a couple men in my life now…and I keep comparing them to him.

My inner dialog is BEcoming conversations with the rocks I’ve BEen collecting to pave my walkway…where is IT? What is IT? I know this FEELing is about FEELing GROUNDED, FEELing a CONNECTION; LIFE is so different, I AM different. Even keeping connections with my children is sporadic, my daughter finally contacted ME after WEeks of not HEARing from her; I don’t think any of my kids are comfortable with ME BEing in this void…I’m not comfortable with IT at times and I know IT appears I AM not moving FORWARD in LIFE, IT would BE so much easier if tHERE was human to share these DREAMs with.

I have to keep BElieving IT’s happening, I need to KEEP BELIEVING that there is something outside my range. Today I AM desiring three things in MY LIFE, a bath to soak in, INcome from my own projects, and a partner to help ME realize DREAMs…I wonder if at least one of these three will show up today…I need to FEEL something COMPLETEd in my life…my chest feels heavy this morning, mayBE I need to scream…even when I’m alone IT’s hard to let it out…

ACCEPT THE JOURNEY

To those of an insecure nature, our quiet, and sometimes distant, ways are often seen as a form of disrespect or a snub. Because we may, at times, appear aloof, some may class this as snobby or superior behavior. Wrongly assuming we believe we are in some way above them. Normally, when an Empath acts in an aloof or distant way, it is because they are on overload. Having taken on too much stimuli from their surroundings and in serious need of recharging, the Empath wants nothing more than to be invisible to others. https://theknowing1.wordpress.com/2016/01/06/dont-like-what-you-see-look-a-little-closer-the-mirror-of-the-empath/

From my earliest memories, more than anything else all I ever wanted was to be in a relationship with someone that respected who I was…I know the years of feeling so confused about life led ME to hide in the shadows of a HUGE ego.

MayBE my view of a REAL relationship is different than others. I want to FEEL someone has my back, someone has MY best interest at HEART. I want to FEEL that no one will take advantage of ME, no one will molest ME, or take away my POWER, put me in a box, ignore, discount my talents, squash my ideas . MayBE this was the anger, I carried. How do I CHANGE this? I’m going to imagine I’m changing the rotation of the earth like SUPERMAN…I FEEL PROTECTED; MY SEXUALITY is HONORED and SACRED; MY GIFTS are VALUED; I AM ENCOURAGED to explore and..

Why do I think IT’s still him?

He NOTICEd my body, was concerned about my health, concerned about my eating, liked to cook for ME, he would ENCOURAGE ME to sit down and rest, he noticed…

You feel like home,

You feel like home,

You put my feet back on the ground,

Oh, did you know you brought me home

Yeah, you were sweet and you were sound…~Zero7

I don’t want him or anyone to save ME, all I’m asking for is SUPPORT…

For some reason Word just took ME to a story I wrote on 4/20, DELUSIONAL, I rarely go back to my old stories. Especially after reading parts of the journal I wrote in 2013, as I was burning IT, I realized how so much the outside has changed FOR ME, yet I still FEEL so alone on this journey, I’ve never felt the SUPPORT of anyone or anything. I think back to all the people I used to know and realize how draining the friendship would BEcome, I knew too much…now I’m wondering if tHERE is really anything about anyones life I want to know.

There is so much for ME to learn about as a human that is stuck in a fantasy of a BEtter world while the other 80+% is stuck in the BElief that there is no MAGIC, tHERE is no REASON, tHERE is no…what? What is IT? What AM I and what is the PURPOSE on BEing in a constant paradigm of self defeating BEhaviors? HERE I AM; some reason I AMstill HERE stuck in this fantasy of I BELIEVE…for some reason I cannot BElive tHERE isn’t a PURPOSE FOR ME to BE HERE..MayBE IT’s the FEELing of BEing so used by humans I trusted, mayBE I AM still carrying the FEELings of BEing discarded; SPIRITUALly, FINANCIALly, EMOTIONALly, SEXUALly…

Still… 4 months after ending a 3-month relationship, my mind goes right back to him…this morning I woke up in the middle of an orgasm…I haven’t had that sensation in a long time…I don’t even want to think about it, tHERE is no one to release that energy to and I’m working hard to not projecting it to anyone. What is IT about some women who are fearless about projecting their sexuality and still feel safe? No one will take advantage of them…I guess FEELing protected by a male energy is what I FEEL I need but is IT?

What is IT I WANT from THAT ENERGY to show up in my life NOW?

When I first saw Brooklyn’s profile on POF I was most attracted to the picture that looked like the yin and yang…LOL he was both. Which was fine, but he wasn’t willing to work on the pain he’s still carrying. He appeared to want to work on IT in the BEginning, I AM just sad that IT, wasn’t with ME. I know IT’s not about him, I know IT’s about the dream I created with him, I thought I was SEEing every sign and IT turned on ME. I grew up with a mentally unstable male, am I destined to BE attached to unBALANCEd men?

I KNOW I AM VULNERABLE in the REAL WORLD and to get out from under this fear of standing out alone is uncomfortable…there has to BE a reason for never FEELing SUPPORTed.

People only associate ptsd with wars…the ptsd I suffer is from living half a century FEELing/SEEing/HEARing the inconsistencies of others actions and words, I guess my actions confuse others. The smells, the sounds, the energies of this planet tend to exhaust ME most of the time; that’s OK, I’m the canary in the cave… who values that? Who wants to protect that? So far no takers.

Why would I want to continue when the SUPPORT has never BEen tHERE?

I was talking to my new landlord, Count Dukoo, about HOPE the other evening; how tptb are so relentless on whoever they are trying to enslave, who’s next? What country or continent will they target once they’ve raped the middle east? What’s the use of staying HERE if all you can HOPE for is to continue BEing treated as an inferior BEing? Someone to take ADVANTAGE of an held as an emotional hostage while BEing controlled FINANCIALly only BEcause you struggle with depressive episodes not comprehending the backstabbing, selfishness, greed, grandiosity of others…IT is exhausting, humans are so adapt at leaving a trail of toxic waste of energy on others in many ways: EMOTIONALly, FINANCIALly, SPIRITUALly, SEXUALly… sometimes all a girl can do is cry over the confusion SHE FEELS…

BE PURPOSE

This morning I came across something I wrote this past December:

 12/17/2015 Twelve years ago today my Dad passed away… I really don’t have a response to this. What kind of relationship did I have with him? I never really felt an attachment to anyone in my family. I worked so hard to keep my own family together and now my kids are scattered across the states and we rarely connect, I craved that connection all my life and now it doesn’t feel like it matters anymore. My dream of being the grandparent I never had is just one more lost vision and my life feels like one constant state of confusion most of the time, trying to dissect every interaction, every thing that wasn’t working in my life, feeling like I’m trying to connect the dots, find the missing links in not only my own life but everyone I become close to and I’m finding out that most people are content in the confusion and congruencies…I AM not the SAME person I was a few years ago. I know it will take my kids some time to adjust or not.

The past week or so I’ve been in a void…nothing feels real, nothing feels worth pursuing. Who is this new person? The more time passes, the more I study, the more I read, the more I realize I don’t know anything about what it takes to survive in the financial world, the more I realize how frustrated I AM that I’m not feeling grounded…not that I want for much but IT would be nice, IT would be nice to feel a connection to someone, IT would be nice to leave this planet with something SUSTAINABLE for someone to continue.

Maybe IT’s a result of feeling everything taken away from ME… childhood memories keep coming up; at 5 years old the green grass and trees I loved were replaced by desert dirt and saguaros, the sparklers that fascinated ME WEre illegal in the desert, the only way to recapture the MAGIC of that spark was to strike a couple quarts rocks together.

I’ve been thinking about one day when I was 6, my Dad brought home a couple EARTH shaped piggy banks…of course tHERE WEre two, my disturbed cousin was my twin; for some reason I deserved, or didn’t deserve, the same as him…I also remember a WEeks or so later FEELing the disappointment of my Dad opening UP and emptying the banks because he had to replace the windows my cousin encouraged me to throw rocks at and break.

My memories keep going back to living vicariously though the pictures of my older sisters in their DANCE costumes, no one DANCEd WITH ME…I imagined ME posing and looking cute…I remember never feeling cute, no one told ME I was pretty, IT would make me conceited. I never posed for pictures…most of my CHILDhood pictures are of him and ME . I was never praised for my ACCOMPLISHments, IT would make him FEEL bad because he never EXCELLED at anything… why, when and wHERE did WE BEcome grouped as if WE WEre twins? IT was easy living in the shadow of a narc and never FEELing ACKNOWLEDGED for so many years…

MayBE it’s just age, I’m tired of feeling the drain of limitations. Where is the fuel that propels ME into the next dimension? I don’t have a problem BEing alone, not interacting with people, staying in my room, PLAYing and creating worldwide industries in my mind…how is this SUSTAINABLE? The only thing I can do for now is keep on living. This WEek I’m going to start volunteering at a resale store that supports a womens shelter…mayBE I’ll find a PURPOSE there, mayBE IT will work into a permanent position…what more could a girl ask for?

What IS REAL or memorex?

What I AM making up about this weekend is that IT IS a weekend of healing wounds with my Mother. She gave me a picture taken from the porch of a house I visited in Mexico, a little home in a remote area South of Puerto Vallarta…I had the opportunity to lease it for $30,000usd. IT would have taken a couple more thousand to repair and upgrade, the biggest expense would have been replacing the palapa…$500…in my mind I traveled to Quimixto, Mexico and started recreating a dream I had almost 3 years ago…a remote house for people that want to get away, secluded but close to the family that owns the property, 3 generations all close enou….What’s the use? If there is no one to create the dream with IT BEcomes a waste of time.

Yesterday morning I took a mind trip to California to create a bath shack…I’ve connected with another empath, I’m not so sure about IT. He wants to reCREATE his yard in Laguna, California and told ME that his renter is leaving next month, I could stay there for a couple weeks and CREATE A MASTERPIECE in his yard…the opportunity sounds like it would be a good project for my resume, if not a bath shack, I could CREATE a sacred space.

I’m working on staying in one place and establishing myself in Prescott, this morning I’m not sure now. Nothing feels permanent or grounding. When will I feel some STABILITY? When will I feel a part of this grid? Maybe IT’s about feeling tHERE is VALUE in having an active imagination. Does anyone else see the VALUE in my abilities to changing thoughts and BEliefs? So many years of BEing able to experience the self defeating talk, actions and BEliefs of others, not realizing that my thoughts and BEliefs mattered…I’m still struggling to figure out what is missing FOR ME…I feel COMPASSION, LOVE, and VALUE FOR ME…What will it take to make this imagination sustainable in the REAL WORLD? You know, the one of commerce…in my mind IT feels complete, AM I the only ONE?

This morning my heart feels heavy and on the verge of tears…why do I still think of Brooklyn? The other day what I made up is that holding on to the memory of the dream of a life with him could BE a protection. I do realize that holding a torch for someone so distant is keeping my HEART closed for another relationship. I haven’t connected with anyone that I want to open up for…I AM VULNERABLE, I AM a CHILD…where is the balance? Where is the yang to my yin? I AM but one HUMAN trying to navigate this planet that VALUEs the linear minds…58 years old now…will tHERE ever BE a partner that will VALUE this LATERAL mind of mine?

MayBE the confusion this morning is from spending the weekend with my Mom. Friday evening our conversation was about my birth. She told ME that she took medication at the end of the first trimester…I found IT interesting that she described the event as ME trying to abort myself. She told ME about not wanting to go HOME when the doctors told her IT wasn’t MY TIME…I’ve always known I was born in the middle of that storm, I’ve always realized she didn’t have space in her head to deal with another BEing. I stood up and yelled, “Why the fuck did you even have me?”, and she yelled, “To carry my anger”. WE laughed about IT, and I made a couple posters…on one I wrote down the anger I carried for her and put little LOVE HEARTS on the bottom of the page…I noticed she is taking IT HOME with her today…

I AM GRATEFUL I was able to invite others to BE HERE this weekend and help diffuse the ENERGY. Winslow told me that she was a delight…one of her friends came for brunch, she is younger than ME and I think my mother knows more about her life than mine. I have never felt a part of her life, I’ve never felt apart of this world in general…today my HEART feels heavy…so many years of unrealized dreams. What is the PURPOSE to never having a sense of BElonging? What’s the VALUE of having a desire to HEAL the world of the pain and confusion you SEE, FEEL, and HEAR when you feel the storms of the collective in your own HEART? When will this life feel REAL FOR ME?

The fact that you wake up everyday and go about your day feeling the pain of the world makes you strong~unknown