underSTAND

She was lost in her longing to understand. ~Gabriel Garcia Marquez,

All my life this outer world has mostly been like watching a train wreck in slow mo…

Judging situations, judging what others say and wondering if anyone is aware of how ridiculous most of them sound with their prejudice, their blaming, the way many people spit their crap on others, the control, the greed…I know now I’m not the only one FEELing/SEEing/HEARing what most are unaware of; this is both refreshing and scary at the same time, so daunting that I feel delusional even writing IT, let alone publishing something that APPEARs so foreign and unrealistic to the collective.

If this isn’t IT, then what AM I doing HERE?

For some reason a vision from the past has BEen vivid the past couple WEeks; if my memory serves ME, IT was during my 4th grade class…WE had windows in our classrooms at that time, I remember always staring out the window, mostly missing the clouds that regularly appear in a greener place and wanting to BE in another LIFE. The vision was a man and I, I guess at that time I started BElieving that a part of ME was missing… I thought at that time that he and I would do great things in this world. I think 4th grade was also the year I stopped trying to EXCEL in academics, no one cared if I did well, plus the subjects bored ME to tears; so I BEcame average and graduated from high school; in 1977 you either graduated or dropped out.

I graduated high school married and in the second trimester of my first pregnancy…the rest is history not worth retelling. I’m still wondering why I stayed so long…at that time I wanted someone to hide BEhind, my inexperienced self thought I could stand BEhind him and together WE could change the world…many other reasons I’ve written about to nausea. His ego was bigger than the both of us but the BIG reason I think I stayed so long is BEcause I thought he was the man in the vision. We talked about working in disaster areas when he retired…he had the certifications and connections to get us tHERE. He was very convincing in his role as a paramedic…but then his compassion and help was conditional. I AM GRATEFUL now it didn’t happen, I AM GRATEFUL for losing my old life, I AM GRATEFUL for losing the home I wanted to share with my grand-kids. Every day I work toward convincing myself that I AM GRATEFUL for this flux, this chrysalis, of not feeling GROUNDed to anyone or anything …tHERE has to BE a meaning to this small LIFE.

In December of 2014 I was in Hawaii and watched Matt Kahn for the first time on YouTube, the message frightened ME; I had to listen to IT at least twice the next few days. I remember thinking how this man must have BEen reading my blog, he knew my journey. Every month since then I’ve watched his new videos, his message is always about having GRATITUDE and ACCEPTANCE for every experience and I AM working on mirroring this LOVE of whatever ARISEs…even this cold, lonely FEELing of not BEing a part of this world. At one time I thought I was a PLAYer. I had close friends, most of my kids and grand-kids lived close by, my home was a hub of family and friends and for some reason it all fell apart. I realize the BLESSing in “losing” IT ALL; the shroud I was living under wasn’t serving my greatest good…now what?

What is this life of FEELing no community, no CONNECTIONs, the past few years have BEen a collapse of people, places, and things I thought were SOLID. Now I realize that brad would have never supported anything I did, I realize that the lessons WEre preparing ME for another life…But what life? What is the PURPOSE of BEing on a planet if no one wants to engage in your PLAY?

A couple weekends ago I heard Patricia McNeilly on YouTube…18 months after the shock of hearing Matt Khan, this woman is talking about BEing lost and having LIFE fall apart the past few years; she spoke about having to move in with family and dealing with their issues and how our own energy is the ANCHOR; she spoke about the loneliness and how WE are now in a wide wide open space doing a lot of inner work…how WE are FEELing delusional and want to get on with our LIFE.

I guess it just breaks my HEART that no one is showing up in my real world that IS searching for the same LIFE as ME and I’m tired…mayBE the partnership I thought I was working towards all this TIME isn’t…what is next? Please GOD/UNIVERSE…whoever you are PLEASE, give ME a sign of hope today.

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EPIPHANOT

Epiphanot (n) an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid or incorrect…

I’ve felt like an epiphanot all my LIFE, as much as I hate this loneliness and feeling so disconnected from the matrix, I REALIZE it’s what I’m here for…but what is IT? How do I define my VALUE to this world?

I want the FREEDOM to promote what I write even though past responses have BEen, “perplexing”, “I cried”, a 6’7’ cowboy stated something like, “I was afraid”, but I think the very best response has BEen…((crickets))…nothing, not a word. I know my thoughts are different. I don’t think many people understand the things I VALUE, my inner thoughts, my beliefs, my passion, my inner-world; IT’s wHERE I LIVE, another dimension, another REALITY…I AM an alien coo coo cha choo…

Since my thoughts are different, IT’s natural that many CAN’t place a VALUE on ME… many people tire of my depth and I tend to BEcome bored and weary at the shallowness of others; what they VALUE, what they SEEk, their goals, their fears. My thoughts are different; my view of LIFE, VALUE, and PURPOSE are different…while it feels like most HUMANs are concerned with the bottom dollar, the car, the house, the vacations…all I SEEm to focus on is COMMUNITY. LOL what a contradiction; to BE most comfortable alone in my thoughts yet yearning for convergence…

What if this LIFE could change? What if WE could all see a BEtter outcome? BEtter yet what if WE BElived WE could create IT by the LOVE WE shared with each other?

I want to FEEL the FREEdom of standing on a pedestal and stay tHERE for a while…all my life I’ve craved to be noticed and appreciated for who I AM…but who am I really? For over half a century LIFE has BEen other focused and the past few years I’ve BEen cast into a different REALITY; one of nothingness, losing community, losing HOME, losing ego…I need to keep reminding myself what this journey has BEen about; every time I’ve felt the loss IT’s BEen an opportunity to BE FOUND. Finding a sense of SELF, finding the inner STRENGTH to keep doing IT my way…even though my way is usually misread.

At times I SEE flashes of pictures, drawing I’ve SEEn over the years, of an EMPATH lying in the grass by a body of water. Sometimes there was someone WATCHing over HER. She was in nature in her most vulnerable state naked and sleeping, I always imagined that was me.  What PURPOSE does she serve?

I realize now why I started using amphetamines to get through the day in high school. I don’t feel that IT was abuse, I needed IT to keep up with the insanity that drained ME, not even realizing the FEELings weren’t about ME.

Life has BEcome full of amazing insights into my own REALITY and seeing all the POSSIBILITIES of a BEtter day. What is so different about ME? I’m a paradox stuck in this fantasy of BEing the superhero changing a thought in the world…my perception of LIFE is so far removed from most and I wonder what is the link that keeps ME attached to this planet? What is it I AM not GETTING? What’s the purpose of seeing a BIGger VISION… seeing POSSIBILITIES?

One of Matt Kahn’s sayings is, “As never BEfore, I AM NOW”…but what am I? I FEEL so far removed from the old stories that others appear to thrive on. I want to focus on the future and the POSSIBILITIES, most of the time I FEEL like a bird who is swimming in a sea of sharks while yearning to be perched up on a tree…BUILDing nests…BUILDing DREAMs…How does this LOOK in the “REAL” WORLD?

CHANGING

No change, I can’t change
I can’t change, I can’t change
But I’m here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I’m a million different people
From one day to the next
I can’t change my mold
No, no, no, no, no~ The Verve

The past few weeks…well for a while now I’ve BEen REALizing I don’t share my writing with a lot of people BEcause I’m afraid they’ll think I’m too NEEDy. I don’t think my physical self portrays the angst inside of ME. I know a lot of my actions can confuse others…the way I delay a response to a question; I’ve already got a few thoughts going on in here, and now you ASK ME a question? There is almost always more than one variable IT takes ME more time to process life than most people.

Each day I AM realizing more and more about how DIFFERENT I AM than most people I interact with and that’s OK…this is ME, this is who I AM. In assorted groups tHERE is always a discussion about how WE interact with the WORLD, how WE enjoy our alone time…how WE CRAVE HUMAN CONNECTION…mostly with our own kind. Not that WE FEEL superior to them, but our THOUGHTs, our FOCUS, our DESIREs are more about the philosophical…and this is OK, most of the time I AM happier BEing alone with my projects. I would LOVE to have projects going all the time, but I need to get rid of “THEM”.

Something strange happened yesterday…I came home from work and wrote a story over lunch, I always write in the morning…then I posted it on my Facebook wall, I don’t share my writing with people…the response was overwhelming…this morning 41 likes and now I have to engage and respond to 7 comments:

The past few months I’ve been working as a care taker while deciding what I want to do when I grow up.

One of my clients is recovering from an accident and four mornings a week I go to his house, cook breakfast for him and his wife before she goes to work (microwaved, gmo, chemical laden foods…the Standard American Diet i.e. SAD) and spend 3 hours cleaning…most of the time it feels like a waste of my talents but I do get to take him and his dogs for a walk everyday. Yesterday, the wife was red eyed and quiet, after she ate breakfast she didn’t go to work but went to bed. As we took our walk he told me that he woke up at 2 am and she was gone, he knew she was out gambling, she didn’t get home until 6 am. He told me he decided that if she was up puking all night, or up all night coughing from a cold he could accept that…gambling is her disease (the money she looses is her inheritance). He said this time he didn’t get angry, as soon as she came home they discussed the need for her to find a therapist to deal with childhood issues, he realizes she is only trying to fill a void.  

It’s taken a while for this to sink in but I’m thinking what a great shift for him…for both of them. What if we all started looking at unwanted behavior in a different light? What if each time our thoughts go to, “they did this to me” or “they made me feel bad” we learned to look at the wounded child in “them”? What if we could start holding the same compassion for others that we hold for a crying child for 20 seconds at a time? Would this make a difference and change our perception in all our relationships?

Each day I go to work, keep busy and watch the clock…always dreaming I’m someplace else; today I went to work feeling blessed to be a witness to the compassion and love a man feels for his wife…

I cried all day, in the morning IT was about the BEAUTY of LOVE and in the afternoon IT was the HUMANS who actually responded to something I had to say…

BIODIVERSE

I think I understand the suffocating FEELling of the plants…or is it ALL the earth? The dirt that BEcomes stagnant enduring year after year of the same environment… monoCULTURE…

Hi daughter #2,

I was wondering if you were still a Fairy Godmother, I was happy to see the pic of the beautiful wand you made. I don’t think I got the chance to tell you that I started thinking of a fairy themed business when Whimsical first started…have you ever thought about props for cowgirl fairies or Native American fairies? I’m dreaming big…not sure what I’m doing yet but getting ready to start searching for partners. I think it’s supposed to happen here in Prescott, I’m feeling like a 5-year-old in my new place. For the first time in my life I don’t feel responsible for anyone or anything…I have a big bedroom surrounded with my stuff and a huge back yard to explore.

I’m assuming you are starting your funeral flower arrangement business?

Love you ❤

I wrote that a few days ago….So many letter to write, so many words written never sent…I need to sit on this for a while. Why AM I so exhausted every time I expose myself, my dreams, to others?…maybe IT’s the fear of ridicule, the fear that others don’t comprehend and I have a hard time articulating what I FEEL, what I SEE, what I HEAR…

So many possibilities…I work hard not to future foreCAST, IT used to be doom and gloom…I’m a dreamer why can’t I future foreCAST? I can only think of one eventuality right NOW…I keep trying to expand my horizon but only one reality shows up…I guess IT still literally scares the hell out of ME that IT is POSSIBLE…at times I feel a lot of fear of anything coming out on the other side of this but I see a VISION that someone else saw a few months ago…a VISION another person saw a couple years ago. I wish I could support them, I guess if IT COMEs TO FRUITION I’ll feel more comfortable coming out of my shell but I need to show IT’s a REALity.  I need to prove I can survive doing things my way; “their” way is confusing, besides that, there is absolutely on one to share this dream with.

The VISION she showed me was the same as a repeating story I told myself all MY LIFE. I’ve learned a lot from living vicariously through other people lives…I learned that if I was allowed to go to DANCE school, I probably would have thought I was a bad DANCEr. I like to move to the music, I want to feel FREE enough to go anywhere at anytime and DANCE…make a spectral out of myself…just enjoy doing it…mayBE IT’s the years HEARing brad discount, judge and ridicule for so many years. I remember telling him that the words he carelessly shot out into the world were like arrows that hit my HEART. He could BE everyone’s big brother but I heard the judgements; IT was a CONSTANT STREAM of lower VIBRATION words…the lowest. This was the war I fought for so many years…mayBE my attraction was to the EGO at first but by the time I realized IT would always be about him, I was financially bound to him and had a daughter…what else could someone like ME do? I did not want to go back to my parents, their life was not mine…if I could have just TRUSTed that the UNIVERSE had my back, I’d already spent the first 18 years of my life FEELing confused and unSUPPORTed; if I would have KNOWn about being a sponge…if someone…maybe I’ll start searching teaching children self ESTEEM…

Today I am GRATEFUL for this loneliness. Thank you for this FEELing of insignificance. I appreciate this small LIFE, stuck in unfulfilled dreams and DESIRES. Thank you for the plethora…the constant CREATIONS that come out of ME and go no where. I AM grateful there is no one to PLAY this game with ME…Thank you God/Universe/Whoever…who am I talking to anyway? Who is answering these prayers?

There is such a nothingness FEELing TODAY…

…I just had a vision of the UNIVERSE, I AM HERE standing alone and no connection to anything…anyone. Kind of like the dream that scared ME all my LIFE…except for the last time I had it in Mexico. It was about 3 years ago Was it this month? Do I have my journal from then? I don’t know if I have the strength to go back in my mind. The only memory I have of Mexico was the days swimming out in the bay and floating for hours at a time on a desolate beach, waiting for something exciting to happen or the nights on the roof, DANCING under the stars or during the thunderstorms…praying for lightning to hit ME but going under cover when it got too close…THANK YOU, I AM also GRATEFUL that I’m not BEing provided with the HUMAN connections I crave…

SIX WEEKS

6 week body makeover…that is how I will define this time. How long will I have to continue searching for the the emotional strength to keep enduring this life feeling so alone?

Most days I wake up feeling invincible, like life is going exactly as planned…then I go to work. The clients are fine, as a matter of fact yesterday a nurse came to visit Squidward and before she left she told me he speaks very highly of me. The other day he gave me a jade stone and told me a shaman gave it to him a couple years ago, I only see his wife when I first arrive and fix breakfast for them…microwave stuff and eggs…the other day I reminded her to take her phone which she forgot the day before, “Mom’s watching over us” was her reply. It’s not that I don’t like the people it’s the monotony and not feeling creative. I know my other client, the Quad, also likes me. These men are prisoners to their pain, much like my ex was, how do I break out from this cycle?

The volunteer work at the thrift store is okay but not feeling any sort of attachment. I even had an idea to generate more money by going to Fry’s and talking to the customers about linking their rewards card to the shelter…I would be willing to be a part of that…((crickets))….no one wants to participate in my play nor am I asked to join in.

Most days I come home feeling drained and want to nap, then I go out my bedroom door and step into a mystical and magical place. IT IS a GREAT place, my imagination runs wild…where is my playmate? I’m five years old here in my new place, my new room and still I AM alone…just like my five-year-old felt. Where is the ONE playmate that I’ve BEen praying for? What’s the use of continuing alone?

I miss the days of spontaneous LAUGHTER with him, many times the LAUGHTER was only mine but I think he was AMUSEd…I just knew it was him. His kiss alone would ME to another dimension, towards the end of our relationship he would stop the KISS look into my eyes and kind of LAUGH…he knew I was hooked…was this a game with him? He appeared to BE so giving and kind, and didn’t appear to BE hiding anything, HE keeps in contact with his family and a longtime friend. He would check his email openly while I sat next to him, every time his phone rang he picked it up and talked openly to whoever IT was, even a female friend he met on a dating site and is still friends with; I met her once, she was very kind; I was a little jealous because she knew so much about baseball and she is a teacher, they had a lot in common. …but then he and I were more into healing with food…WE WEre going to be business PARTNERS, WE had great sex and I was BEcoming more confident in asking for what I wanted. Just a PASSIONate touch, a TENDER touch, a FORCEFUL touch…some AGGRESSION…BEfore WE met in person he told me he liked to wrestle…I tried to engage him a couple times but he didn’t engage. There WEre a handful of times he started to DANCE with ME…just few seconds at a time, moves WEre smooth and IT felt confident…. My heart keeps telling me IT IS HIM…but in the “real” world he is absent, my choice because he decided he only wanted to BE friends…five months have gone by now and I still haven’t found a replacement, not even a friend that resonates like I did with him. I’m tired of trying to figure out what went wrong, why the FEELing for him didn’t last…I need to keep focusing on improving ME. Last night I decided I would start dancing with my weights, HOLDing them above my head, swaying to the music and imagining the weights are torches in MY HANDs, hopefully The Count will start teaching ME soon…. hopefully he will also find the time to coach ME in speaking…

I search Craigslist ads for work and nothing resonates…the other day I saw a Ted talk by Maira Kalman; The Illustrated Woman…when she was young she landed a job that was all about creative PLAY, where does one find work like that? I think about the limits I AM putting on myself, my age, my lack of education or certifications, my lack of desire to take courses…I’ve searched for classes at Yavapai College and nothing interests ME, nothing resonates. How long do I wallow in this chrysalis? In this state of flux, in this void of LIFE? If I AM still HERE in this aloneness…I guess I need to keep trusting that it isn’t my time, I need to keep trusting that what I need will show up when I AM READY, I need to keep trusting in DIVINE timing, I need to focus on BEing HERE right NOW. I’ll take this time to focus on ME and strengthen my body… what else can I do?  I AM tired of trying to fit in this world… I AM giving IT 6 more weeks…I don’t know why but it feels like the right amount of time…July 13th…then what?