She was lost in her longing to understand. ~Gabriel Garcia Marquez,
All my life this outer world has mostly been like watching a train wreck in slow mo…
Judging situations, judging what others say and wondering if anyone is aware of how ridiculous most of them sound with their prejudice, their blaming, the way many people spit their crap on others, the control, the greed…I know now I’m not the only one FEELing/SEEing/HEARing what most are unaware of; this is both refreshing and scary at the same time, so daunting that I feel delusional even writing IT, let alone publishing something that APPEARs so foreign and unrealistic to the collective.
If this isn’t IT, then what AM I doing HERE?
For some reason a vision from the past has BEen vivid the past couple WEeks; if my memory serves ME, IT was during my 4th grade class…WE had windows in our classrooms at that time, I remember always staring out the window, mostly missing the clouds that regularly appear in a greener place and wanting to BE in another LIFE. The vision was a man and I, I guess at that time I started BElieving that a part of ME was missing… I thought at that time that he and I would do great things in this world. I think 4th grade was also the year I stopped trying to EXCEL in academics, no one cared if I did well, plus the subjects bored ME to tears; so I BEcame average and graduated from high school; in 1977 you either graduated or dropped out.
I graduated high school married and in the second trimester of my first pregnancy…the rest is history not worth retelling. I’m still wondering why I stayed so long…at that time I wanted someone to hide BEhind, my inexperienced self thought I could stand BEhind him and together WE could change the world…many other reasons I’ve written about to nausea. His ego was bigger than the both of us but the BIG reason I think I stayed so long is BEcause I thought he was the man in the vision. We talked about working in disaster areas when he retired…he had the certifications and connections to get us tHERE. He was very convincing in his role as a paramedic…but then his compassion and help was conditional. I AM GRATEFUL now it didn’t happen, I AM GRATEFUL for losing my old life, I AM GRATEFUL for losing the home I wanted to share with my grand-kids. Every day I work toward convincing myself that I AM GRATEFUL for this flux, this chrysalis, of not feeling GROUNDed to anyone or anything …tHERE has to BE a meaning to this small LIFE.
In December of 2014 I was in Hawaii and watched Matt Kahn for the first time on YouTube, the message frightened ME; I had to listen to IT at least twice the next few days. I remember thinking how this man must have BEen reading my blog, he knew my journey. Every month since then I’ve watched his new videos, his message is always about having GRATITUDE and ACCEPTANCE for every experience and I AM working on mirroring this LOVE of whatever ARISEs…even this cold, lonely FEELing of not BEing a part of this world. At one time I thought I was a PLAYer. I had close friends, most of my kids and grand-kids lived close by, my home was a hub of family and friends and for some reason it all fell apart. I realize the BLESSing in “losing” IT ALL; the shroud I was living under wasn’t serving my greatest good…now what?
What is this life of FEELing no community, no CONNECTIONs, the past few years have BEen a collapse of people, places, and things I thought were SOLID. Now I realize that brad would have never supported anything I did, I realize that the lessons WEre preparing ME for another life…But what life? What is the PURPOSE of BEing on a planet if no one wants to engage in your PLAY?
A couple weekends ago I heard Patricia McNeilly on YouTube…18 months after the shock of hearing Matt Khan, this woman is talking about BEing lost and having LIFE fall apart the past few years; she spoke about having to move in with family and dealing with their issues and how our own energy is the ANCHOR; she spoke about the loneliness and how WE are now in a wide wide open space doing a lot of inner work…how WE are FEELing delusional and want to get on with our LIFE.
I guess it just breaks my HEART that no one is showing up in my real world that IS searching for the same LIFE as ME and I’m tired…mayBE the partnership I thought I was working towards all this TIME isn’t…what is next? Please GOD/UNIVERSE…whoever you are PLEASE, give ME a sign of hope today.