firstname.lastname@example.org Today at 7:21 AM
To Lindsay Blair
I wish you only all the happiness in the world.
It was nobody’s fault. I tried to love you, but it just didn’t work for me.
I am trying to change my behaviors too in an attempt to learn and grow.
Blessings to you for the future.
Just another day of an egoic death, I keep reminding myself that this is all good, burning off the crap that doesn’t serve me, just more dreams to walk away from, I keep working on surrender…letting go of outcomes…where are the humans that resonate? Where are the ones who see beyond the veil? Where are the ones striving to become the best humans they can be? Where are the ones that see the vision and ready to create another reality?
I don’t even remember what day it started, maybe it was last Sunday. As the Count was leaving for work he told me how he had to reassure his young artist friend that he had the knowledge and experience, her main focus was to create…together they play in perfect harmony. This sent me into a spiral of questioning my existence again.
Was I not asking for someone to help ground me? Was I not asking for someone to show up in my life that would help me articulate ideas into real things? Was I not asking for someone that would help me become a better version of me? …someone willing to stand beside and support me…someone that knew what it felt like to overcome the limitations tptb tried to bind them with…someone that wanted to create another reality. Why would someone that appeared to want this come into my life and then not willing to go all the way? What is wrong with me?
At least this time it only lasted a couple days. I had one day of feeling purpose and reprieve then I had to deal with my Jett, a day in the desert with no air conditioner; the fiasco with the dealerships, the fiasco with the rental car. Once again dealing with the “real” world of competition and greed…dealing with another day; stretching out body aches, being thankful for not understanding why others don’t see what I see…then this morning I get a message from him…this has gone on too long… I need to feel some reprieve, some pleasure, some fun…
I know my differences; I know that interactions with many people and dealing with “real world” situations exhaust me. My mind is stuck in a deeper meaning searching for things missed by those who are more suited to the understandings of the “real” world.
As an HSP/INFJ I realize my thoughts are not their thoughts…I’ve just allowed “them” to define me. One of the differences is that my mind is usually deep in the ocean, searching for pearls and artifacts of lessons learned from past lives and generations. Part of the abandonment I feel is from trying to bring those pearls to the surface and have someone actually value them…many times I feel suffocated trying to breath the climate that others strive in and even when they agree with you, habits never change…maybe I ask to much from others…I wish there was someone in my life helping me hold up this vibration…
I have to keep telling myself that there is a reason, at least now I have a visual in my mind of what is so different about how I process the world…why do I keep trying if there is no one valuing the pearls I keep casting out into the world?
I tried to love you…it’s just not working out for me.
I am grateful for this human experience.