PEARL DIVING

brooklyn@hushmail.com                              Today at 7:21 AM

To Lindsay Blair

I wish you only all the happiness in the world.
It was nobody’s fault. I tried to love you, but it just didn’t work for me.
I am trying to change my behaviors too in an attempt to learn and grow.

Blessings to you for the future.

Brooklyn

Just another day of an egoic death, I keep reminding myself that this is all good, burning off the crap that doesn’t serve me, just more dreams to walk away from, I keep working on surrender…letting go of outcomes…where are the humans that resonate? Where are the ones who see beyond the veil? Where are the ones striving to become the best humans they can be? Where are the ones that see the vision and ready to create another reality?

I don’t even remember what day it started, maybe it was last Sunday. As the Count was leaving for work he told me how he had to reassure his young artist friend that he had the knowledge and experience, her main focus was to create…together they play in perfect harmony. This sent me into a spiral of questioning my existence again.

Was I not asking for someone to help ground me? Was I not asking for someone to show up in my life that would help me articulate ideas into real things? Was I not asking for someone that would help me become a better version of me? …someone willing to stand beside and support me…someone that knew what it felt like to overcome the limitations tptb tried to bind them with…someone that wanted to create another reality. Why would someone that appeared to want this come into my life and then not willing to go all the way? What is wrong with me?

At least this time it only lasted a couple days. I had one day of feeling purpose and reprieve then I had to deal with my Jett, a day in the desert with no air conditioner; the fiasco with the dealerships, the fiasco with the rental car. Once again dealing with the “real” world of competition and greed…dealing with another day; stretching out body aches, being thankful for not understanding why others don’t see what I see…then this morning I get a message from him…this has gone on too long… I need to feel some reprieve, some pleasure, some fun…

I know my differences; I know that interactions with many people and dealing with “real world” situations exhaust me.  My mind is stuck in a deeper meaning searching for things missed by those who are more suited to the understandings of the “real” world.

As an HSP/INFJ I realize my thoughts are not their thoughts…I’ve just allowed “them” to define me. One of the differences is that my mind is usually deep in the ocean, searching for pearls and artifacts of lessons learned from past lives and generations. Part of the abandonment I feel is from trying to bring those pearls to the surface and have someone actually value them…many times I feel suffocated trying to breath the climate that others strive in and even when they agree with you, habits never change…maybe I ask to much from others…I wish there was someone in my life helping me hold up this vibration…

I have to keep telling myself that there is a reason, at least now I have a visual in my mind of what is so different about how I process the world…why do I keep trying if there is no one valuing the pearls I keep casting out into the world?

Dear world,

I tried to love you…it’s just not working out for me.

I am grateful for this human experience.

Thanx,

Lindsey Blair

STAY OR GO?

I got a message this morning from my old self…I told myself 6 weeks ago if I hadn’t made any connections in Prescott, that I would start thinking at that time to go someplace else, I was going to commit to this playground I found. I marked it on the calendar of my phone. I promised myself to do a project every weekend; I made soap, made a solar oven and cooked 3 weekends before  to oven fell apart, it was just a prototype. I was hoping to find a partner that wanted to share in the fun, what’s the use if there is no one to play your games with?

Today was the day I was going to stop the projects and decided where to go next, I thought it would be in another month or two…the universe had other plans and I am feeling frantic right now trying to figure out how to get everything done by the end of the month, especially when I’m bombarded with world news every day I work. I feel pulled into everyone elses boxes, and don’t feel an equal exchange from anyone around me. I’m dealing with people trying to take my money again through my credit card, it’s emotionally draining dealing with this crap, how can this even be legal? What is it? Do people blindly pay their bills and not question it? What is the purpose of…I cannot solve my own problems let alone trying to figure out the problems of the world…all the details, trying to find work to sustain me yet finding only drudgery.

… wondering why I met a man that appeared to want to support me in business, one that appeared to want to hold me to a higher standard, one that cared about my health, one that knew what it was to feel victimized by the system and competent in seeing through the veil …exactly what I asked for…maybe he didn’t like the standard I was hoping to hold him to; I was hoping he would do the same for me. I realize how maddening it must have been for brad, what was it that made me stay 35 years? I felt like I was always compromising my morals and values with him and he never supported me in being a better version of me.

I realize that thinking about Brooklyn is a waste of my time, I need to move on… It’s over…One of his careers was a 5th grade teacher maybe I had to do some healing over my 5th grade teacher swatting me for not finishing my times tables on time. How fucked is that? What message did that send me about my value?

What message did I receive from the world that always told me I was wrong? What message did I receive from men who only wanted to violate and control me? What message did I receive from being ignored, never told I was smart, never praised for my accomplishments, never recognized for my talents …?

What message did I receive when I was physically and emotionally drained whenever I had too much interaction with others? Something was always wrong with me and I never knew why. Most people like me are surrounded by takers, …some people take and take but never give. Humans, always asking for advice yet never heed the counsel, draining your brain for knowledge and never taking it, then they wonder why their lives are shit; their relationships with others and their bodies are in a constant state of imbalance. What message am I receiving from living in a world where humans are so stuck on the outside bling? Trying to fix everyone around them and not examining how they are contributing to the chaos. Things that are so obvious to me…but then who am I to counsel anyone? Look at my life. In my mind I’m a superhero saving the world…and I’m struggling to keep breathing…and many times I just want to hide.

Today I’m busy packing, leaving behind my big room surrounded by my stuff, detaching the dreams of finding collaborators for my ideas, detaching from this town I fell in love with, detaching from the dreams of House Concerts…sounds like the Count is going to start doing them soon, and I could have fed the guests…

This morning the message from my past self came around 8:30 am, July 13, 2016:” Will I stay or will I go?” Maybe all I need to focus on is saying goodby to my grand kids…this is a very a scary ride.

Thank you for being here confusion, I am so grateful you are once again telling me this life isn’t for me. What next? Please tell me you have a grand plan mapped out for me…or just take me now… I don’t feel the strength to continue holding up my own vibration let alone someone elses…Where are the dreamers, the visionaries, the humans that see the same as me?

PROJECTion INTENTION

Last week my escape was to think about all the things I LOVEd about Brooklyn; the way he ate with a spoon…the way my, as he once described IT, LIFE salad fit perfectly in his utensil of choice; the way he notice a 2 lb difference in my body…in my late 40’s I went from a size 14 to a 6, the ex didn’t even notice; his HEARing…my HEARing is fading, I think IT’s from a LIFEtime of blocking out the inconsistencies I HEARd; his vision…another sense that is waning, which is probably from not wanting to SEE the reality of others; the MASTERY he had in the kitchen; I LOVEd watching the way he prepared broccoli, he was a wizard in…why was I thinking about him? IT’s clearly over, gone, kaput…IT BEcame another canceled MANIFESTATION.

So I decided to start thinking about Tanglefoot Creek and what I LOVE about my new space. The way I feel free to do whatever the hell I want in my room. Using the Count’s big hula hoop and dancing in the living room, the wilderness right outside my door, the seasonal creek that is now running at full force after BEing dry for the past month, the projects, FEELing the CONNECTION to all the inanimate objects decorating my space that WEre once discarded…the way I was asking to FEEL FREE enough to PLAY like a 5 year old…and I do most of the time.

I’ve BEen feeling kind of shell shocked since the other evening after HEARing I would no longer BE HERE next month … so unexpected, I need to realize that my NEW thought the past couple weeks is that I want to BE a 58 year old business WOMAN…I guess the motive for this is to attract a partner, BEing ME APPEARs to have no lasting VALUE in the REAL world. I’ve BEen asking for the universe to send people willing to support ME in areas I KNOW looks like contradictions, if I’m meant to BE HERE IT will happen when I AM READY.

As much as I want to BE alone, I want to KNOW that there is someone close by, someone looking out for the things I miss, someone that SEEs the world I don’t, someone that appreciates my DEPTH, HUMOR, IMAGINATION, GIFTS, TALENTS, someone that will help guide ME to the places I want to BE…

I need to realize why I AM leaving Tanglefoot…for one thing there is no bathtub. Many of my needs aren’t being met; in the past 2 months I’ve shared my kitchen creations 5 times…that’s not enough to keep me fueled. A 58-year-old woman needs to speak her TRUTH; The Count said he was a voice coach and I thought WE agreed I would cook for him in exchange for coaching…I’ve repeatedly offered my kitchen CREATions with him and he still buys groceries and cooks his own meals.

What is IT I really want? I want to BE a BUSINESS woman…what would that look like? What does a 58 year old business woman like ME really need?  A 58 year old business woman needs a partner standing shoulder to shoulder with her, supporting her and helping her strengthen her weaknesses, someone willing to understand the process of her critical thinking and how at times IT can impede the HERE and NOW. A 58 year old business woman needs an accountant helping her to keep track of the MONEY and INVESTments… A 58 year old business woman needs a partner to go over the schedules and keep track of time; an extrovert to help keep connections going with people; a partner willing to PLAY, EXPLORE and BRAINSTORM ideas without judgement; a partner that understands my need to escape to my inner-world to ward off the confusion, incongruencies, and fear of those around ME. I’m working hard on reversing this, I’m working hard to BE PEACE and BEcome that reflection to others…IT’s inside all of us…guess I’m searching for those willing to understand this about ME, understanding of what IT’s like to BE the mirror to others, in REALity WE are all mirrors for each other, WE just reflect on different levels.

I’m working on reversing the polarity of what I used to BE, a mirror to insecurities. I was reminded the other day of how many people in my LIFE left, I have to BElive that IT was BEcause I knew too many of their secrets. HUMANs tend to FEEL a lot of fear once they expose their vulnerabilities to another…I’m not that person anymore. I don’t want to KNOW their insecurities, their pains… My desire is to reverse that polarity and make IT about their SUCCESSES, their PASSIONS and DESIRES. This mission FEELs too big for one person alone, wHERE is my PARTNER? wHERE is that HUMAN that wants to PLAY WITH ME?

I think I have life all figured out, I think I’ve found a perfect place and I need to keep reminding myself that if I were meant to BE HERE at Tanglefoot Creek, I would have a bathtub, my housemate would eat my food in exchange for coaching, my calendar would BE full of HUMANs serving ME rather than ME serving them. I have no idea what direction I’ll BE heading in 27 days, I just know IT isn’t HERE, I have to keep BElieving IT’s someplace more suited to my needs, someplace grander, someplace out of my range of VISION.

Today I’m going to work on finishing the rock walkway I started and decide what stuff I really need and purge the rest…LOL just a few days ago I was thinking about how tired of thinking I was, how I wanted a vacation, how I wanted to FEEL a part of a community and CREATE projects. I have no idea what I will do in 27 days, MY only VISION is packing all my stuff in my car and turning on the ignition…How does LIFE get BEtter than THIS?

BrExIT

The past few days I’ve been thinking about the placebo effect and how I could use my CATHARSIS on my quad, Kenny G, and Squidward. Maybe my next project should BE to make labels for the bottles I started last year. Do I still want to use the name Lila’s CATHARSIS? I see the word CATHARSIS BEcoming a trend…I think that business idea is one of the domain names I gave up the past few months after I decided I’m not going to buy any more domains until I find someone who wants to PLAY this game WITH ME…

What is IT that a 5 year old girls wants more than ever? SECURITY; a responsible adult to watch over her, she’s stuck in her fantasy of what could BE…along with the other thoughts that plague her mind daily; the inner-workings of the minds of others, their motives, their blindness…who am I to anyone or anything? Who am I to think anyone would want to PLAY WITH ME?

I’ve been so happy here at Tanglefoot Creek, PLAYing around. Building a slow wave oven and creating food…that no one but ME eats. I have a beautiful room of my own with the backyard I DREAMed about when I was a child…I AM so GRATEFUL that at least one child and his family WEre able to experience my world and hopefully next month a Facebook  friend is coming for a night while he, his girlfriend and her son are traveling cross country…

As I was paying The Count for my July rent I found out WE had a major misCOMMUNICATION…July will be my last month at the Creek…I started so many plans around this place…I AM so GRATEFUL I didn’t start anything concrete…I AM GRATEFUL that I didn’t buy another DOMAIN, I AM GRATEFUL I didn’t spend anymore MONEY on the soap idea, or cooking utensils, or furniture, or clothes, I AM GRATEFUL I didn’t form any lasting bonds, this has to mean that I AM weeding out the chafe in my LIFE.

My plan was to not think about what I will do for 6 weeks…just accept what is after all I was asking for a quantum leap.

I listen to the news every day I work and I’ve BEcome pretty proficient in not allowing the rhetoric scare ME. I’ve spent more hours than I care to count doing work I consider drudgery…not only did I tell myself I would never watch the news again, I also told myself I would never sit in a allopathic doctors office again…the past week has felt like a baptism in fire; both of my clients had multiple appointments, Kenny G wanted ME to go into a couple examining rooms to be his moral support.

Both doctors had an instant defensive guard up as soon as he started asking questions…the whole time I sat in the rooms just breathing, smiling and nodding at appropriate places trying to diffuse the frustration I was picking up…

Squidward has private insurance and he has now gone through the doughnut hole…someone explain that one so that it makes sense to me, I’ve heard a few people that were in the doughnut hole and they were confused. Just like everything else, you take it in the ass…BE GRATEFUL you have private insurance and LIVE in the land of the FREE…I don’t even want to think about every aspect, every fraction of how broken the healthcare system is…bigpharm, insurance, food, IT all FEELs broken…I want to stay in this FANTASY that everyone around ME wants to PLAY…

My dear British daughter,

Nice to hear from you ❤

I’m so happy things are going well for you. I enjoyed seeing pictures of your kitchen, your home is beautiful and I’m so grateful you shared it with me. We had a lot of fun…

It’s so nice that you have a man in your life, I hope he realizes he hit the jackpot finding you. You deserve a good man…

I really don’t know what to say about your situation. She certainly sounds like a narcissist or possibly a sociopath…my only thought is that there are many sensitives going through many challenges right now (I can only imagine the confusion going on in Britain). One of the things I’ve been working on is learning to accept what is and sending love to the challenges in life, and be thankful the the human experiences. I really believe that the people/situations in our lives right now are only catalyst to ….  …..      …….  ….

As for me, Brooklyn came along when I was praying for something/someone to ground me…we had a great time together, shared dreams, making plans and he decided it wasn’t the experience he wanted. Now 6 months after we broke up, I’m still wondering what happened and not feeling grounded.

The decision to move to Prescott was something unexpected and felt like destiny, I moved here with my ex sister in law and eventually became emotionally drained being her dietician and therapist 24/7. When I found this place I was praying to feel free enough to play like a 5-year-old and for the first time in my life I’m living in a place that I don’t feel responsible for anyone or anything but myself and have lots of playtime.

Yesterday I found out that there was a miscommunication between my landlord and I…the room is rented to someone else starting the first of August. I don’t know what’s happening now and I have to keep believing there is something bigger going on outside my range of vision.

Since I left the UK there have been a lot of synchronicities, realizations and manifestations but nothing long term… still looking for my tribe and now I have 4 weeks to decide where to go next, I know I’m leaving Prescott (too many reminders of Brooklyn among other things), my kids are scattered across the states and I don’t feel a connection to where they live…I’m feeling detached and working on trusting this journey….

I haven’t sent it yet, I have so much to say, so much to share to another human and for some reason I FEEL so detached. I know nothing, tHERE have BEen no synchronicities, MY REALITY and my view of this world is far removed from the reality of others. I don’t know what to say/do/feel about this life, this planet. What’s the use of staying if tHERE is no one to hold your HAND or BE a guide? I know my differences, my depth of processing, the lack of my communication skills to get my needs met… In many ways I AM a 5 year old and to express to another how lost and confused you feel in this world feels way to vulnerable to express.

My 5×8 foot manifestation wall is almost fully covered with drawings, MONEY, LOVE letters from my grand-kids, a painting from my Italian FRIEND, an empty bag of Walkers crisps I bought on the train while traveling to Scotland…today a poster I made a few years ago while staying with my number one Son is SHINNING the BRIGHTest, words of FEELings I want in my life: SUPPORTED; HELD; PURPOSE; MEANING; REASON; VALUABLE; PLENTIFUL. Was that 4 years ago or was it 5? Time has lost all meaning to ME…I still don’t feel those FEELings in my LIFE…what next???