Looking over the past couple weeks of writing in my journal is and indication of how I feel, disconnected and disjointed;
I’ve been in San Diego since…Sunday afternoon…I’ve decided that I would live 2 weeks at a time…but today I don’t know if I’ll be in Wyoming on Saturday or Sunday…maybe I’ll find a place to land in between Thousand Oaks and Rock Springs…Will I go to Wickenburg or back to Rock Springs..
I’m searching for a balance, I’m basically tired of unfulfilled dreams…YES I AM seeing movement but I guess what I really want, my souls desire, is that I will have the knowledge that there will soon be a place to land.
I write because it’s my only outlet no one relates to how I feel, I think my granddaughter knows…this morning she asked me if I ever felt nervous, she’s only 12 but has already been tossed around in the storms of every person she has been passed around to.
I told her that any animal will fight if they feel threatened. As humans we fight, lie…or cry. How sad to be confused about the things you feel at such a young age; I remember being 12, feeling like an alien because no one can relate to your perception of the world. Feeling so out of touch with the things others seem to care about, the lies they tell themselves, the inconsistencies…the slavery to a system, the conflict and chaos.
This world is not my world; their thoughts are not my thoughts. My family knows how different I am, they accept me for who I am and I know being around me can be overwhelming at times only because I make people think about their relationships with each other…why am I not in a committed romantic relationship of my own when this is one of my soul desires?
I hate that my mind keeps going back to him. I have to force myself to stop thinking and saying things like, “Brooklyn encouraged me to get on a scale”, “Brooklyn noticed when I lost a couple lbs”, “Brooklyn loved to feed me” … one of the few things I told him about my marriage was when I went from a size 14-16 to a 6. brad didn’t even realize the months of dietary changes and commitment to eating healthier…”Brooklyn’s desire is to be the example of how eating green fuels your life”…
Why am I still focused on trying to figure out the relationship when he’s clearly not interested in working on whatever issues he was having? I told him I needed closure; life with him felt like home; not a perfect home but his habits, his political views, his concern for others, his willingness to accept and move on from his past, his giving nature, his music…we liked the same type of movies, we had similar spiritual beliefs. I was going to ask him to teach me how to keep score in baseball because I wanted to support him in his passion…
I don’t give a shit today; I don’t want to be on this planet anymore.
This morning I brought my DIL to work, this afternoon I’m going to pick her up around 3:00 and take her back to the campground they stayed at last night. My evening and night alone at their house ended up being an overnight with my Bugga, I was sure that her abdominal pain and headache were the indications of her menses, her first and only time was in May. She still had no idea what it meant, this is kind of heartbreaking to me as I see it as her birth mother still not taking care of her needs, I can’t fault her, after all she is passing on the only knowledge she was given.
I couldn’t do it for my kids and now my desire to be that person for my grandchildren is just another dream I feel I so far removed from…the only vision I have is to be the owner of the hotel in Mayer and create another reality of hosting travelers…the dream just keeps expanding even though there is no evidence of it ever happening;
Tours, a restaurant serving real food and take away lunches for travelers, hostel, BNB, tiny homes, sacred spaces, soaking tubs…it even has a room to host a couch surfer…
As a reprieve I would rent the room in Prescott…$495USD is a steal for the peace of mind that came with the experience of playing like a 5-year-old. I told the Count that he could get 3 times that amount but he seems content with this amount. His desire is to be the father he could never be, mine is to be the grandmother I never had…I could see this working for both of us.
At one time my dream included escaping to The Ponderosa and hunt a lion from time to time…these desires just keep dying, why has every dream been aborted? What’s the use of being me if there is no one willing to play this game?
I don’t need an income for the next 7 years as long as my ex is alive or until I get married…I’m in desperate need of a playmate, someone that would help me build this dream.
Right here right now my desire is to acquire $300,000 to begin this journey…I don’t care where it is or where it comes from, at this point all I want is to feel there is a purpose for me on this planet…if not then please take me away…
Today I’m feeling defeated and deflated; what’s the use of being here if every dream and desire feels prematurely taken from you? Why do I even write? A life of abortions…I want to jump ship; funny thing is that I know I’m not the only one feeling like this…