What does being altruistic mean to you?

I’ve been thinking a lot about being an altruistic chameleon and the negative impact it’s had on my life.

Last year I thought I met someone who thought like me, who saw generational patterns, who noticed me; knew when I lost a couple lbs, knew when I needed a pillow or a blanket… among many other things. The last time I lay next to him while watching a movie…I don’t even remember what it was, I was so lost in the feeling; my entire body was bubbling, the effervescent feelings brought on by ASMRs. When we kissed it was like nothing I remember ever experiencing before.  When we talked about businesses, most all included serving others; his moral compass appeared more evolved than mine…for some reason he started pulling away.

All I was asking when he came into my life was that something/someone would appear to help ground me, it was him. For some reason, he stopped; one of his issues was that he didn’t understand my thought process and I guess the hurt is that he wasn’t willing to grow with me…I’m still a new human, I guess I thought we were on the same path.

Today I’m feeling so lost and alone, I feel like I have so much potential and feel like being altruistic in a world that appears to be led by competition is holding me from having a place of my own…. I’m tired of trying to fit in everyone elses box. All I want is a huge house of my own where I can pull others into my peace and feel there is a value in doing so. All I want is to feel an equal exchange of energy from this world.

The other night my daughter and I had some alone time with wine and although she wouldn’t agree to the term lightworker or any words associated with it, she agreed that my job is to empower and strengthen others…

I got a message last week from a farmer in TX…I left my helpx subscription expire 8 days before; I was busy making plans to go back to AZ but after many attempts, I still haven’t gotten a response from the King…maybe this message is that I still need more experience.

In a couple weeks, I’m going to Celeste and help the farmer with his webpage, social media, fixing up a few rooms and advertising on Airbnb…among other things. I told him I would be there by the 14th if not sooner.

I don’t know why this happened, maybe it’s something I just made up in my mind (I question my reality a lot and I’m starting to feel delusional again) but as I’m mapping out my trip from my Sons new home in Sunman, I pointed my curser on the Google direction map over the route I’m taking through KY and a county name popped up, Lyon…it hasn’t happened sense, as a matter of fact I don’t even see any counties on the map…real or Memorex? What will it take to feel life is working for me? Just like it felt last year at this time, this or something better, something beyond my wildest dreams. I’m tired and I want to feel home…



This morning I decided to give meaning to the names of people that I feel will be key players in this dream world of mine…

I keep telling myself it isn’t him but the fantasy I created around him. Last night I got a text, “Darts?”…my reply, “I think you have the wrong number”. This morning I looked up the area code and it was the same area code as his, I wouldn’t know if it was his number; for one thing I don’t remember numbers and I deleted his number from my phone months ago.

Yesterday the memories of him were so strong and I’ve been in a flux of eradicating every thought of him or “what you resist, persists”. Why am I having such a hard time moving on?

If he were in my life his position would be Mars, the Fair Haired Warrior.

I realize it isn’t about him but about the dreams I started creating with him, after so many searches, I don’t have the emotional energy to do this again. I’m still searching for VUJADE…maybe this book is over…74979 words now…

Who will be my counterpart? I’ve decided that this journey has to be about being the perfect example of what an Empath like me can do after living a lifetime being the observer to this planet allowing everyone and everything tell her she wasn’t worthy; she was too little, too shy, too stupid…there were only a handful of people that expressed the words but it was the messages she received from society that told her she was wrong, that she didn’t belong. Your thoughts are not the same; always seeing the conflicts in the lives of others, giving others the benefit of the doubt because you see the greatness in the humans you connect with. I guess after 58 years I don’t want to be around individual personalities for extended amounts of time. If I’m going to get my needs met, I need my own place with my own rules.

I think I found the house and I keep telling myself the right people will show up when I need them. After 58 years and 7 days of life on this planet I’m ready to life a life with others serving me…I’m putting in another order today.

While I was waiting on the USPS to deliver the replacement power cord for my computer, I took time away from the www and created a more concrete plan on paper… most of the housekeeping has been done, now for the humans that will serve me.

I don’t know who they are, but know some people in my life that might be able to help me in this dream home of mine;

An accountant –

A teacher – …someone who wants to pass on knowledge and help others excel

…someone willing to take risks in ventures, someone comfortable and confident speaking to others…someone who sees the brilliance in me, someone who knows my intelligence and knows of my ability to say the exact opposite word when speaking, someone who knows my need to escape the “real” world and check back into myself when the world drains my energy…someone who will support me in eating healthier, someone to cook for and serve me from time to time, someone who sees food as fuel, someone who is willing to work side by side with me…what else does this girl need?

What will come first, the room or the helper?

Yesterday I raised my voice to my daughter, “Why do you want to live with an asshole?”…thankfully I caught myself and right after that…I apologized, turned away and went back to my project of helping her create a functional kitchen…it’s for her as much as it is for my grandkids. It would be a wonderful thing to have a space to create with them, hopefully we will become business partners soon.

Although a vacation would be great after this assignment, I need to feel there will be a safe place to land soon…where would I vacation anyway?  What’s the use of being here if there is no one to share this journey…

Dear Humans of Planet Earth,

“Say something, I’m giving up on you…” ~ A Great Big World

Sending Love


losing HOPE


What Values do we place on numbers? Do they really have a significance in our lives? Are they really directing our lives? What about the planets? What about the words? What do we tell ourselves? What do we allow others to tell us about ourselves? What about our actions? If these things do carry significant vibrations then my world should look different… What AM I missing?

Why AM I HERE if there is no one to create with ME?

I hate that I keep going back to the memory of him.

Right now I don’t see any other option but going back to AZ. I finally sent the King another text after he didn’t reply. I think in the past I would have given up by now but so far I’ve sent him two emails on the home.com website I don’t know what happened to the first but the second was sent to someone that didn’t even know who the King was. I also left 2 voice messages before I finally heard from him, he had been in Cabo for a couple weeks. Friday evening I sent one more text and he finally sent me a text with his e mail address, I sent him a copy of both e mails that were dated 10/1 and 10/10…trying to let go of an outcome today while trying to focus on proceeding as if success is inevitable…

Why have I been at my daughters for 2 weeks, working every day except for the 2 days in Dollywood yet nothing feels completed? How can they live in such a chaotic environment?

My desire was to be here for just a few weeks, help complete the exterior, clean up the yard and complete the kitchen; then work on a couple projects with my grandkids, start a business with them…I can’t believe the chaos. Yesterday I was hoping my SIL was working on the exterior while I was working on the heart of the home, the kitchen…I worked all day on the drywall, plus the laundry, and cleaning up and starting dinner.

I’m realizing the importance of having a place of my own, and still cannot figure out why I’m not finding home…last year I felt home, what happened to it? I think I’m over that dream now, I have a hard time believing this is what I came here for. Where is the CONFIDENCE that this is shifting? What’s the purpose of this vision, this dream, a life that I can pull people into my peace? I’m feeling 3 years old today, I want to go back to the time I wouldn’t wake up and hope I don’t this time. If this is all I have to look forward to, I want to go back to bed and never wake up to this reality again…

Where is the dreamer? I’ve only met one other in my entire life…why did he leave? His kiss took me to another dimension; he was so creative, so giving, so grounding…I thought we would change the world together, why did he stop trying?

Each night I go to bed physically, emotionally and energetically exhausted…sometimes I’m too tired to even shower, I’m keeping my promise to at least finish these 2 things. Where is the fuel to keep me going today?

Where is the visible proof that I will see the beginning of this mission to engage my grandkids in a different reality?



Dear King Ron,

Since I haven’t heard from you, I have to assume that you are at least contemplating my offer. I also noticed that you updated the Hotel listing. I’m still very interested in the Hotel.

My interest is more than about making money for me, it’s about doing work I enjoy for the rest of my life…maybe you would be more inclined to respond if I told you my story:

Right now I’m in the position I am because the retirement that was promised me is gone and I have 7 years of spousal support that will just sustain me until I’m 65 or he dies.

For 35 years I was basically a housewife and mother with little financial support, I also helped my ex husband in his building business. I like projects and at the time I didn’t care about not making a lot of money because I knew it was going towards my retirement. He was also a firefighter and I was depending on AZ Public Safety retirement; I don’t think I was ever told that if his Public Safety would automatically become Workmans Comp if he was injured and that my benefits would be dropped. At the time of my divorce I had been living off of $500 a month from him and ended up settling for 33% of what should have been my soul and separate property.

I recently turned 58 and feeling a little desperate in finding work I’m passionate about for my twilight years. After 5 years of basically being homeless and working on my credit score, all I want right now is to have my own space to do projects. The past few years I’ve been working on articulating a vision; last month I saw this project which is very similar to what I’ve been planning only my thought is to help generate sustainable income in smaller communities: http://www.forbes.com/forbes/welcome/?toURL=http://www.forbes.com/sites/toriutley/2016/08/27/jeremy-cowart-the-purpose-hotel-and-what-it-takes-to-turn-an-idea-into-reality/&refURL=https://www.google.com/&referrer=https://www.google.com/

The past few years I’ve seen places in Mexico, the UK, and Hawaii, that could be utilized but I know AZ and have entertained a lot of guest at my own home in Wickenburg so I already have people who would support me in creating this, all I need is the space.

I’ve been looking at other property and traveling since I first saw the Hotel in Mayer. Right now I’m in VA and my mind keeps going back to the Hotel.

My plan would be to initially invite womens groups in for retreats to brainstorm ideas, even if I could rent the first room available and work on it would be perfect. Like I wrote before, all I would ask from you is your approval on any design or structural modifications. I’m confident that at the end of the lease, I will either have enough investors to buy the property or will work out an equitable agreement with you.

Right now I have enough money saved for at least 6 months rent and enough extra cash and credit for upgrades on a kitchen and bathroom. My credit score is now at 696…five years ago I had nothing and have basically been working on my own projects for 4 of those years…what else can I say?

I realize accepting my offer is taking a huge risk in your investment but I’m passionate about this idea. Please let me know if you are interested in working out an equitable agreement.  If I don’t hear from you by Friday, I’ll assume you aren’t interested and start looking for another home.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Sending LOVE and LIGHT


This or something better, something beyond my wildest dreams…PLEASE FATHER, I BEG YOU TO HELP ME IN MAKING THIS DREAM A REALITY…


Why didn’t you protect me? What possessed you to turn your back from your responsibilities in raising this child? Why didn’t I feel supported or defended by you?

I know your storm, I know it all; I know everything and I forgive you for being human, I forgive Mom for her humanness and I’d like to help her, she seems so vulnerable and misdirected since you left. You know I feel no connection towards her, I’m OK with it, I’ve just stopped caring about people that consistently drain me asking for support and advice, then ignore my pearls of wisdom.

I realize that I will never get what I wanted from her and have learned to accept the relationship for what it is.

You know my dilemma now, you know the help I need…are you the one I’m supposed to ask? Are you the one that wants to help this fatherless child? If so, PLEASE HELP ME.

If you are there, give me a sign of where to turn today, give me some hope that there is a purpose to this life. PLEASE give me a definitive sign…

Is it wrong that I don’t miss you? Maybe it’s because I never felt supported in any dream when I lived at home, maybe because I feel shame for searching outside myself for validation. I realize that you did your best as I got older and I keep reminding myself that you could only give what you knew…help me change this PLEASE.

Juan told me he thinks you are with him a lot of times, are you with me now? Today I can actually visualize you. Did you leave that quarter for me? You know I’ll need a lot more than quarters to purchase what I need…maybe you could help me and direct the energy to me. If I’m supposed to go back to AZ and realize this dream, change a paradigm, help me help the weakest links in this family, PLEASE send me the energy today…I’m feeling hopeless.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Sending LOVE and light,


Maybe I’m thinking about the future too much, right here right now I need to focus on the time I have to create with my grand-kids…while living in a construction zone and trying to keep everyone on track. Yesterday I told my daughter and her husband that I was staying here until the kitchen gets put together and the outside gets finished and painted. I’m working right along with them; I don’t ask others to do anything that I’m not willing to do myself.

What sustainable plan do I work towards today?


I’ve decided today that I wouldn’t go back and fix every mistake…this note to whoever is listening to the pearls I’m casting out into the universe will be the perfect letter, after all isn’t that what I pay Microsoft Word for? I’m not going to do their job for them so whatever spelling or grammar mistakes you see, maybe you could let them know how their product sucks, of course I could write to Microsoft myself but after spending a lifetime of not feeling heard, I give up trying to do anything anymore…today I’m giving what feels like my last ditch effort to try anything…

The dreaded herpes came back today, I guess I’m starting to pick up the stress of living in the middle of the chaos again. The next time I see any child of mine, it will be on my terms in my home…today it feels so close.

My big dream right here, right now is that I’ll be taking all my childrens excess of abundance and furnishing my new home with it, this means I will have to travel West.

I wish there was someone who would share this dream with me…what’s the use of having dreams and desires if there isn’t anyone that shares the same desires as you?

Dear Herpes,

I appreciate you reappearing in my life again, I can’t help believe you are showing yourself today to indicate I need to get out of this place, that I need to figure out how to get my own place…that I’ll feel home once I feel more independent and on my own.

I realize that I would utilize you in my life as an indicator of when my body was starting to stress out…I’m not sure I want you to do that anymore. Maybe you should go back to the ground and transmute yourself into something more useful…maybe you should go back to the ground and show up on the ones who need some kind of exposure for their predatory behaviours…that would be useful for those of us that have no time or energy to decide who is trustworthy or not. Those of us who have a hard time understanding everyone isn’t working for the greater good and get taken advantage of…

Please leave my body and go to a more deserving human…I need to step out but you make me want to hide.

Thanx for the shared experience, the community has spoken and we feel there is no room for your talents, I’m goin go to replace your cells with more sustainable things like oxytocin and dopamine. I don’t think anyone in this body will miss you but you will be remembered by the scars you’ve left behind. Until we find the perfect solution that will get rid of your scars, you will be in our memory.

Sending LOVE and Light


Last night after I got my computer back I pulled up the Hotel and the ad had changed, the owner/realtor had increased the price and the only picture is an aireal that was taken a couple years ago, before the baseball field was upgraded by $400,000…looks like the 2 extra properties were taken off. Maybe he’s considering my offer…Please God/Universe…please give me a firm answer today.

How can I be the shining example of what could be if I don’t have my own kitchen, living on my own terms?

Dear Microsoft,

Why am I paying you to check my spelling when WordPress does it better than you for free?

Sending Love




“Thousands of marketing specialists are paid ungodly amounts of money to brainwash you, sell you and illusion and destroy your self esteem”


I’ve misplaced a year…mayBE that means that I get to do everything over again.

When I arrived in Maybery last week, my daughter had to convince ME that I will BE58 not 59…when did I decide that I was a year older? I’m not sure when it started, maybe around the time I was with Brooklyn.We did meet a couple weeks before my birthday, I guess at 58 I thought he was exactly what I was asking for. Even his story of loss, it happened about the same time as mine, only his loss was more of a castration which only validated my already ingrained feelings of the corruption and greed. The second time I tried to convince him what a blessing his story was, he got angry. I told him I would never try to convince him it was a blessing again.

All I could see was that he was the blessing I’d been waiting for, he didn’t even want anything in his name. we started to build a business together…we made 2 horseheads and planned on teaching others to become independent contractors, talked about a restaurant, cooked the same types of foods, he encouraged me to stop wearing makeup and be more conscious of what I put on and in my body, he would encourage me to take breaks and eat when I was working, he had BEen a primary school teacher, I need a teacher…someone to watch over ME, support ME in a healthy lifestyle…the last time I went to his house his new cat had killed a hummingbird.For years I had been searching for hummingbird feathers, I still haven’t decided what to do with them, and I’m sad I wasn’t the experience he wanted. He felt like home to ME.

IF I BUILD IT, HELP WILL COME…not necessarily Brooklyn but something/someone a lot like him. How do I keep on going if this vision doesn’t BEcome a REALITY? Its BEen WEll over half a century and I still have no idea why I’ve BEen expected to crawl into everyone elses box. I’ve given up the role of the live-in caregiver to the point I’m living in my car until the vision BEcomes a REALITY.

Hi Mr King,

I’m not sure if you remember me but I was looking at the Hotel with a friend about 9 months ago, at that time we were making plans to start a business together but she ended up going another direction.  Since that time, I’ve been exploring other options in other areas. A few months ago I left AZ not intending to go back; two weeks ago I was drawn back to AZ, saw the Hotel was still for sale and have been thinking that if you haven’t found a buyer yet, I have an alternative proposition.

Just to let you know, I’m NOT asking you to take it off the market as I realize you want the money up front to reinvest.

I remember you telling me that your intention when you first bought the hotel was to make it into a B&B, since it’s still on the market maybe this is what the Hotel was meant to be…maybe it’s waiting for me :), I’m hoping that you would be open to at least hearing my plan.

My idea would be to lease a studio apartment for myself and rent a 1 or 2-bedroom apartment for a year, modify it (of course any modifications would be done with your approval), and rent it out as a B&B for groups or as a shared space…I would be willing to work out a fair exchange with you. Other than your approval on plans and modifications, I wouldn’t be asking anything else from you and hopefully at the end of the lease agreement I would be in a position to purchase the property. I have a few more ideas around this venture and am hopeful that you are willing to consider this proposition.

Hope to hear from you soon,


Last year at this time my dreams felt like they WEre starting to come true, except having my own home, life was feeling like home with him…I’m 58 again, is this my do-over in life? I don’t know how much longer I can keep up with this pace.

My dream for years has been for my life to BEcome like a country western song, mayBE this is when it all changes. I’m exhausted from walking away from lives that drain ME, I need a project that feels sustainable for everyone. My mind is going back to my reoccurring nightmare of the expanding room which WEre present in my earliest memories, the last time was over 3 years ago. I want to go back to sleep, I want to feel that expansion again.

…last year at this time my desire was to have a place with my own income, work at home 4 days a week, and on the weekends go to the mountains to hunt a lion…this or something like IT…this or something BEtter…this or something BEyond my wildest dreams…I’m tired and I want to go HOME…