WHO?

All my life I’ve felt this pull for a greater life in my heart…I question it every day and have felt so lost in this fantasy. Who is my tribe? Where is my support? Am I destined to do whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing alone?

Life on the farm has been a roller-coaster of reeling the farmer in, trying to focus on one thing, cleaning his mess, trying to get a handle of what his vision is, deflecting his advances. After 30 years, you would think he would have a plan…

Reinforcement has come in the way of a woman a few years younger than me. She is German and prior to arriving in the states she had been living in the UK. I haven’t found out why she is here but her vision was to be in California on the beach…she found a Texas Longhorn hat in a charity shop and then was contacted by the farmer after she arrived in the states. She is also searching for signs and synchronicities so she thought she should take a chance and spend a few weeks on the farm. So far we are getting along, I even offered to share my room with her so she could get out of the living room and off the couch. Who knows, if we’re still getting along in a few more weeks we may go to Florida together and then head west before February.

Every day I’ve been here with the farmer he’s been bouncing from one idea, dream, and scheme with no structure, and he has been resistant and argumentative over my ideas or plans. I’ve told him many times that this cleaning was a waste of my talents…every day I have to deflect his sexual advances…this is my third work experience with a single farmer on the farm and I think each one has expected sexual favors from me…I guess I could own the world if I would give in. After a lifetime of allowing the slime to distract and upset me, I guess I don’t care anymore. I also need to work on not accepting that sleeping with a man is the only way for people like me to get ahead and be self sustaining in this world; not that I would, but it can be frustrating feeling so vulnerable and expecting to do whatever IT is alone.

Having another female in the house is comforting even though she has been privy to his plans and have felt excluded…but then she periodically tells me that he lets her know what ideas I’ve shared with him. Maybe he is listening, but I still feel like the cleaning lady and cook. My new friend has also told me that after her first day she was confused, she thought we argued like an old married couple; I think I finally stopped it.

Two days ago he came out on the porch as I was feeding the cats, got in my face a little and told me how good breakfast was…then added, “too bad you don’t fuck”. I don’t remember my response but about a half hour later, there was a discussion between the three of us and my roomie said something about us sounding like a couple, my response, “yea but I will never fuck him”, then I left the room reminding him that I do what I’m told, I cook and clean, that’s what I’m here for. Maybe this is how men will always see me, I wish there was a man in my life to act as a barrier for this energy. I’m tired of deflecting it alone.

After a long barefoot walk collecting pumpkins and sage, trying to sort out why this keeps happening, we had a chance to sit on the porch and talk and I asked him if he could look at me as a sister…things have been easier since then.

This morning he told me of an idea to have someone invest in the house and store that are both empty…he would require money down for repairs and a few upgrades and split the profits…who knows it may be doable for me. I’ve already started a search for a place that is actually a functioning B&B in a warmer climate because whatever I do, I will need more experience. Cleaning and cooking here isn’t giving me the experience I was hoping for.

I’m kind of sad that I haven’t heard back from Brooklyn, I’m also sad that I haven’t gotten a response from someone I felt could help direct me to someone interested in starting a boarding school for HSPs…I’m kind of sad that at this time last year I had someone to laugh with, make plans, and share dreams with…what is the purpose of starting anything if there is no one to share the creative process with? Who wants to play?

Advertisements

ANOTHER PLEA

Every day since I’ve been in Celeste, it’s been a constant motion, is this what I really want?

The potential here is huge, the farmer has his own agenda and ideas but I see so much more. He is 70 and has been doing this for many years and I don’t know how. There is no set schedule, no rules or expectations and his mind is going in so many directions…he is enjoying how his home is starting to look. I told him deep cleaning feels like a waste of my talents, I don’t know how someone can be oblivious over the filth…there needs to be some structure. I need a coach…

I keep resisting but what do I say? I guess I’ve always known that I would get to a place where I’d have to ask him…who else is there? Even the last coach I hired and a counseling session I’ve gotten recently have left me even more disappointed and confused. I AM different, no one understands my ways, no one can tell me what to do. After days of contemplating I finally wrote the words and sent it:

Dear Brooklyn,

I hope life is treating you well… don’t know why I would think you would have an interest but I’m feeling kind of desperate for help and right now you are the only one I can think of. Are you looking for a project? At one time, you did offer to mentor me.

You already know some of my quirks, irregularities, and weaknesses. There are so few people I feel comfortable with in my life…I’m always asking myself, “why him?” It’s been almost a year now, I’ve been searching, still no one is showing up and life is feeling like it’s on fast forward. I admire your values, business knowledge and really need a teacher right now, I think it could work for me; I would never be face to face with you and communication would only be about work through email or phone. Would you want to coach me for a couple weeks? If so what would you charge?

I’m still learning how to be a new human…I’m still learning how to ask for needs to be met, learning boundaries and how to stand up for myself, learning how to take care of me and most of the time all I want is to be a 5 year old holding on to a responsible adults hand when I cross the street. I’ve been working on articulating ideas and dreams and now it looks like I might have the perfect place to start something, life is feeling a lot bigger than me and to tell you the truth, I’m kind of afraid.

I’ve been asking whoever’s directing this charade for another Jewish man in my life…who knew it would be in Texas? Problem is he isn’t much of a business man. He’s had a 175 acre organic farm for over 30 years and it looks like the structures haven’t been cleaned in at least 10. I’ve only been here a few days, the only one helping him, and I’m already overwhelmed by all that needs to be done. I have to keep reminding myself that I was praying for a huge project to put on my resume, and this just kind of showed up, I thought I’d be in FL or LA this winter.

In the next few weeks I need help prioritizing, making lists and work schedules. There is a lot to do here; besides farming and cleaning, there is inventory on 4 buildings, pricing and labeling…hopefully next week I’ll have a couple helpers. I’m getting exhausted just wiping down the filth on the windows and the farmer has more ideas. By this spring he wants to have a couple tiny homes and apartments ready to rent out on Airbnb, and a store with a possible take out restaurant. He also wants someone to help him with events. I told him about my plan to start a boarding school type of program mentoring young people and he seems to like the idea…if it goes well, I’ll be here for a long time…of course, this could just be another dead-end manifestation and I will have to accept there is something better waiting for me. What do you think?

If you decide not to respond, I understand. Take care

Sending Love,

Lindsay

WHAT IS TRUTH???

I’m feeling delusional today…tomorrow morning I’m heading to Texas and hopefully I’ll be working on my resume in a grand way, where is my helper?

HE must be JEWISH…the reoccurring childhood dream of me and my family being led into big tanks; the fear I felt, our eyes held down, no one speaking. We had all disconnected from each other…it’s what we do when faced with humiliating fear, when our humanity has been stripped away from us for just being who we are. As much as I hate being watched, one of my favorite past times is watching people perform in real life. Watching, studying, envisioning their stories, who they are, where they came from, their relationships with their family…

I feel so disconnected from mine right now and I think this journey the past few months has been about disconnecting from my children. I love them to the death but I no longer feel a part of them, they live so far from each other and they rarely travel to visit. I love them for the humans they are but wouldn’t want to live in any of their worlds. I see the fractures and where repairs could be made…it’s no longer something I need to fix. Besides that why would they listen to anything I say? I’ve never been heard…I’ve also never had the bear house either…

When a Bear Comes strolling across your path: it’s time to go inward and explore the notion of your very existence. Delve deep into your heart to find the significance of your own path and journey. Know that you are free to roam at will along your own path.

If this bear has cubs close at hand, or a bear cub visits you, make sure you bring your children close to you. It could signify that you need to connect closely with the kids around you and ensue that they are safe, free of fear and free from harm.

If Bear is your Animal Totem: You have a great deal of patience in manifesting your ideas and projects waiting for just the right moment to spring them on the universe. You have a great deal of confidence in who you are and where you are going in life. You are looked upon as an authority figure. You are nurturing and protect your children well.

If Bear comes drifting through your dreams: It could signify that it is time to explore your thoughts. Are you caught in the rut of compulsive thinking? Perhaps you have allowed other to do your thinking for you! Step back and re assess things. Go inward and find your true feeling on this matter and follow what you know is right in your heart.

Maybe Anahata’s companion should be a bear…what would his name be?

Once again I’m feeling delusional, there is a level of fear mixed with some excitement…and I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Maybe the fear today is missing the crest of the wave; yet feeling so naked and alone in taking the leap. I want to live fearlessly and challenge the norm; today there is no joy. People are tired, afraid, confused…misled, and all I want to do is have some fun.

I try to convey this message to my children but why should they listen? I’m sure they see the value in my altruism yet they are aware of the deception. If they are to follow my lead I guess they need to experience my house, living under my rules; the polar opposite of what they experienced in their lives. I’ve changed, I’m a new human…I’m the mother they deserved.

This student is ready, when will that teacher show up? I only know of one who could help me right now…he hasn’t been in the picture for eternity…maybe it was his lineage that is connected to that little girl in the dream…real or Memorex???

OK my job is over, we connected and hopefully we both healed enough so I can move beyond the memories of him. Maybe I need to hold on to the memory to know there is someone else out there that resonates and helps strengthen my weaknesses…It’s been almost a year now…it wasn’t sustainable; where is the energy I’ve been expecting all my life?