WHO?

All my life I’ve felt this pull for a greater life in my heart…I question it every day and have felt so lost in this fantasy. Who is my tribe? Where is my support? Am I destined to do whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing alone?

Life on the farm has been a roller-coaster of reeling the farmer in, trying to focus on one thing, cleaning his mess, trying to get a handle of what his vision is, deflecting his advances. After 30 years, you would think he would have a plan…

Reinforcement has come in the way of a woman a few years younger than me. She is German and prior to arriving in the states she had been living in the UK. I haven’t found out why she is here but her vision was to be in California on the beach…she found a Texas Longhorn hat in a charity shop and then was contacted by the farmer after she arrived in the states. She is also searching for signs and synchronicities so she thought she should take a chance and spend a few weeks on the farm. So far we are getting along, I even offered to share my room with her so she could get out of the living room and off the couch. Who knows, if we’re still getting along in a few more weeks we may go to Florida together and then head west before February.

Every day I’ve been here with the farmer he’s been bouncing from one idea, dream, and scheme with no structure, and he has been resistant and argumentative over my ideas or plans. I’ve told him many times that this cleaning was a waste of my talents…every day I have to deflect his sexual advances…this is my third work experience with a single farmer on the farm and I think each one has expected sexual favors from me…I guess I could own the world if I would give in. After a lifetime of allowing the slime to distract and upset me, I guess I don’t care anymore. I also need to work on not accepting that sleeping with a man is the only way for people like me to get ahead and be self sustaining in this world; not that I would, but it can be frustrating feeling so vulnerable and expecting to do whatever IT is alone.

Having another female in the house is comforting even though she has been privy to his plans and have felt excluded…but then she periodically tells me that he lets her know what ideas I’ve shared with him. Maybe he is listening, but I still feel like the cleaning lady and cook. My new friend has also told me that after her first day she was confused, she thought we argued like an old married couple; I think I finally stopped it.

Two days ago he came out on the porch as I was feeding the cats, got in my face a little and told me how good breakfast was…then added, “too bad you don’t fuck”. I don’t remember my response but about a half hour later, there was a discussion between the three of us and my roomie said something about us sounding like a couple, my response, “yea but I will never fuck him”, then I left the room reminding him that I do what I’m told, I cook and clean, that’s what I’m here for. Maybe this is how men will always see me, I wish there was a man in my life to act as a barrier for this energy. I’m tired of deflecting it alone.

After a long barefoot walk collecting pumpkins and sage, trying to sort out why this keeps happening, we had a chance to sit on the porch and talk and I asked him if he could look at me as a sister…things have been easier since then.

This morning he told me of an idea to have someone invest in the house and store that are both empty…he would require money down for repairs and a few upgrades and split the profits…who knows it may be doable for me. I’ve already started a search for a place that is actually a functioning B&B in a warmer climate because whatever I do, I will need more experience. Cleaning and cooking here isn’t giving me the experience I was hoping for.

I’m kind of sad that I haven’t heard back from Brooklyn, I’m also sad that I haven’t gotten a response from someone I felt could help direct me to someone interested in starting a boarding school for HSPs…I’m kind of sad that at this time last year I had someone to laugh with, make plans, and share dreams with…what is the purpose of starting anything if there is no one to share the creative process with? Who wants to play?

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