I don’t KNOW

My journal has become many pages of random crap. I think I finally have a venue to start practicing some magic. Where do I start?

Camping and BnB rooms on this beautiful farm, guided tours, cooking using at least 50 % of the food from the farm…barefoot hikes in the moonlight, what would I call the modality? Anti-analysis?

What would happen if I started purposely mispronouncing words? Anti-anal-eesis…how many people would judge this as me being an idiot? How many would just accept that I haven’t mastered the English language yet?

 …ast night Brooklyn didn’t remember a conversation I know we had the previous weekend. We decided I was having Dejavu and he was having vujade…I sent him an e mail the day before I went for my 3 days away from the matrix, it’s becoming a thing and he is creating SPACE FOR ME. His home feels like a dream, his presence is calm. He is one of the most intelligent men I know and doesn’t have the need to always be right. He’s my first Brooklyn Jew, he teases me about being from The Burg…I so don’t even relate to that HUMAN anymore…not who I AM but who I ALLOWed others to tell me I AM. I’ve decided that for today I will live in a state of VUJADE – November 2015

What is the message in this? Why did this paragraph come up when I was editing a post on Facebook? I don’t remember ever copying this…or maybe I did. Maybe signs and syncronicities are happening right before my eyes, what is IT?

Last year I thought I was sure about Brooklyn, everything felt so right. Why don’t I feel grounded? Why am I here if there is no one to process this life with? What is the use of feeling so disconnected with the reality of others? Where are the humans…human…man? I don’t know anymore, there has always been someone out there beyond my range. Waiting for someone willing to share the experience, someone who will feel the world with me.

I try to not focus on Brooklyn and I’m having a hard time comprehending what happened between us today. Why did something that felt so complete for me not be the experience he wanted? Maybe he couldn’t accept who he became after the honeymoon stage…why didn’t he want to stay on the ride? Why couldn’t he see the magic in me? I realize there is someone out there with more qualifications than him but where? I’m ready to get off this ride if I must do it alone.

It’s been almost a year that I gave him a handwritten page telling him it’s the ending to a chapter of my story. I don’t even know the date that I wrote the letter to him…the words elude me now but I do remember the beginning of it; I wrote that I went out the night before and watched a couple dancing, playing with each others energy, having fun…and that wasn’t us anymore…he just stopped trying.

Dear GOD,

Do you remember me? Do you remember the agreement? I would become Lila, I would surrender and become the person I was meant to be, my birthright, my name; Lila – playground to the Gods.

What do I need to do? What else is there left in this world if whatever I do, whoever I AM has no value? What is the use of being here if there is no one to share the ecstasy, the passion, the creation with? Why am I here if there is no God to play with?

What’s the use if there is no one to share it with?

What is the purpose of feeling these intense desires if there is no one in the physical world to experience them with?

How do you expect me to continue this journey if the energy isn’t there? Where is the fair exchange for me?

Sending LOVE,

Lila

Tonight I guess I’m just frustrated that there is no where to disperse this energy, this passion, this dream…it appears that most women my age have completed this phase. The bodies of many women my age have stopped the flow…I haven’t even had woman parts for over 30 years and yet at times I still feel like a 15-year-old hormonal driven boy.

This energy isn’t meant for everyone to share. Tonight I feel like a caged animal…one more night of feeling ungrounded and alone, who is the crazy one? Where is the creative energy, the partner, the grounding energy I seek?

 

It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society~Krishnamurti

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