END OF LIFE PLANS

I’m working on being brave, I’m working on changing my story, I’m working on ending Adventures of the Vay jay Brigade and starting another story, the one of VUJADE…the angst doesn’t feel right anymore, I don’t feel like writing anymore…I’m not fueled by it but then it’s nothing I want to share, any response to my angst is too…whatever. I need to change my story, I need to be seen…I’m going to start posting my words on my Facebook page.

This is what I posted:

This morning I read something that stuck with me, it stated that a genius is a person who is one step ahead of others; two steps ahead and you are considered a lunatic…sometimes when I tell others my story, my experiences, what I make up about things, and the adventure of self discovery over the past few years, I feel like a lunatic.

The journey continues, and once again I’m packing up my little Jett, once again I’m wondering why I keep the stuff I don’t use.

Like the retractable clothes line I bought in Celeste, a place I didn’t even consider traveling to yet once I got there I just knew it was where I was supposed to be, I knew I had arrived. It was as if the universe came in total alignment and handed me this perfect space to start all the ideas I’ve had since I’ve been on this planet. Not my forever place, just a place to begin a lifelong dream.

As soon as I looked out my bedroom window, I saw an abandoned piece of earth that was once used for breeding dogs. It was going to be the first of many designer chicken communities; an idea I started planning when I was in Indiana. There were 7 old porcelain bathtubs and enough plumbing, pipes, wood, and 10 acres of hipcamp sites to create the bathshacks I’d been planning for the past couple years.

I stayed longer than I should have because I made a 6 week promise to the farmer (I really try to be impeccable with my words) but decided to leave after driving my German coworker to the Dallas bus station. I think she only stayed a little over a week and was on her way to California to find a better experience of the US. I’ve decided that we will meet up again, I just know that someday I’ll need an extroverted entertainer who will translate German for me. We started creating a story together, she is the Thelma to my Louise, only our story will have a happy ending…she ended her US journey early and went back to the UK to tell the stories of her adventures which will include the multiple experiences of American men being pigs…welcome to my planet; if I wanted to prostitute myself I’d have it all in the “real” world. Our experiences are different but the stories attest to how many men view women as lesser beings. I’m working on changing this story around.

Another farm, another dream and I’m busy making end of life plans; the first half century didn’t go so well and I’m working on a plan to make the next century a better one for me…my own way, a way that disregards reason and logic, one that doesn’t have a plan but one that feels good for me…what’s the use of being a feeling being if it doesn’t feel good?

Once again I’m packing, leaving another farm, pursuing another dream… Why do I keep the things I do? Why am I packing this clothesline? What’s the purpose of having 10 pairs of shoes?

Why am I leaving this newfound paradise? Another story… but I can tell you that the past few months I’ve fallen in love with the farm, the vision, and everyone here. I knew I had arrived when I found out they were looking for a Fairy Godmother, May had the vision of a bathshack that I was able to help her create and the Garden Goddess, Jess, is busy creating a life size, barefoot friendly, Fairy Garden, I know we will collaborate again. Even if I never have a conversation with Amber again, I promised I would send her a text every year or so, “the ho’s are laughing”, and we will both laugh…

My only regret (Yes, I give myself permission to have at least one) is that there isn’t another to share the stories or create another dream with. What next?

Whatever, wherever it is, I will always disregard reason and logic…maybe I could just say, “I’m doing it the Tanglefoot way” …could that become a meme?

 

What next?

 

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WHO IS THIS LITTLE GIRL?

AltschmerzThis poster I made came up as a memory from last year on Facebook. I’ve been trying to figure out how to let my 3 year old “come out” I decided to share this poster along with this:

The past few days I’ve been trying to identify feelings that keep appearing and after seeing this post from last year, I realized this is part of it. One year ago I think I was still going out to the backyard to dig up some more pain. I realize now that all my life as a Sensitive, I’ve seen, felt, and heard things other didn’t. I realize the undercurrent of anger I carried around with me since my earliest memories was partly because my perception of the world is different than around 99% of others.

The past few weeks my thoughts keep going back to an incident when I was around 3; I was angry and didn’t want to wake up. It must have been around that time I realized this wasn’t the planet I signed up for, I think at that time I started realizing the incongruencies that I can best define as seeing breaks between what is spoken and what actually appears.

It’s been a few years of learning what the anger was, how it affects my life, and how feeling alienated in many of my views are only because most people will never understand my depth of perception…this can become wearisome.

The pain has dissipated, the memories are only thoughts. I’ve made a conscious decision to start seeing a world I want to live in and not be to be pulled into the drama and fear of what the powers that be are telling me is reality. Good things happen every day, yet we only hear about the “newsworthy” …who defines what is worth repeating?

This summer, I’ll be on Pennsylvania on another assignment; still building my resume, doing work I love that will include planting a hill with wildflowers to attract pollinators and helping to restore a spring fed pond…. Although I’ve always thought I was here to save the world, I now realize I’m only one small, insignificant human who has always been told by society that I care “too” much…how can anyone not care enough to realize the system they are holding on to is the very system that is destroying the planet; using the media to instill fear; and dictating what you are allowed to consume?

I’ve always seen the fractures that needed to be fixed and realize now I’ll never be the superhero I thought I was. If the only thing I can do today is help save one insect that is instrumental in keeping this planet green I’ll have to accept that I did my part for the day…and I will keep believing that there is at least one other person on this planet that wants to help me create a story worth repeating….the past is just a faint memory, my work now is to search for loftier things in life.

Altschmerz