AltschmerzThis poster I made came up as a memory from last year on Facebook. I’ve been trying to figure out how to let my 3 year old “come out” I decided to share this poster along with this:

The past few days I’ve been trying to identify feelings that keep appearing and after seeing this post from last year, I realized this is part of it. One year ago I think I was still going out to the backyard to dig up some more pain. I realize now that all my life as a Sensitive, I’ve seen, felt, and heard things other didn’t. I realize the undercurrent of anger I carried around with me since my earliest memories was partly because my perception of the world is different than around 99% of others.

The past few weeks my thoughts keep going back to an incident when I was around 3; I was angry and didn’t want to wake up. It must have been around that time I realized this wasn’t the planet I signed up for, I think at that time I started realizing the incongruencies that I can best define as seeing breaks between what is spoken and what actually appears.

It’s been a few years of learning what the anger was, how it affects my life, and how feeling alienated in many of my views are only because most people will never understand my depth of perception…this can become wearisome.

The pain has dissipated, the memories are only thoughts. I’ve made a conscious decision to start seeing a world I want to live in and not be to be pulled into the drama and fear of what the powers that be are telling me is reality. Good things happen every day, yet we only hear about the “newsworthy” …who defines what is worth repeating?

This summer, I’ll be on Pennsylvania on another assignment; still building my resume, doing work I love that will include planting a hill with wildflowers to attract pollinators and helping to restore a spring fed pond…. Although I’ve always thought I was here to save the world, I now realize I’m only one small, insignificant human who has always been told by society that I care “too” much…how can anyone not care enough to realize the system they are holding on to is the very system that is destroying the planet; using the media to instill fear; and dictating what you are allowed to consume?

I’ve always seen the fractures that needed to be fixed and realize now I’ll never be the superhero I thought I was. If the only thing I can do today is help save one insect that is instrumental in keeping this planet green I’ll have to accept that I did my part for the day…and I will keep believing that there is at least one other person on this planet that wants to help me create a story worth repeating….the past is just a faint memory, my work now is to search for loftier things in life.



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