I wanted nothing more in this life but to be the safe house my grandkids could come to…where is it? Certainly not here. My dream of decorating, dividers, dandelion treats, porch swings, kombutcha, un-floridated water, Summer slip and slides, picnics, and assorted kitchen creations is ending…what next?
Two nights ago I was forced to relive the past, got pissed about the stories I’m not able to defend, and how the ex denies that my job and insurance had anything to do with him going to a $30,000 rehab facility, “it was a favor from Pat Mellody”, like Pat was some kind of God, maybe the god of sexual addiction.
What I find odd is that when he got out of rehab and decided to become a fire fighter, everyone rallied around him and emotionally supported every move he made. He became the family superhero, even his estranged parents decided to start a relationship with him, he played it for all it was worth…probably still is. Of course my emotional support, and full time job with benefits had nothing to do with his success…
Now I’m out of my 7-year rehab. My desire is to be the responsible adult I wanted in my life as a child. I know my values, standards, and morals are different. My mind is between childhood fantasy and 59 years of knowledge that my family doesn’t appreciate, not good or bad, it just is. I still don’t know it all… I need to learn about things I think might be a result dyscalculia, and things lyme related… more things I need to learn. How I can make this life work without being stuck in a soul sucking job? Why do I care? There is no place to go if no one else shares your struggles, hopes, and dreams…What is the value if there is no one can relate to your passion or visions? Why did I think I actually found someone that resonated with me years ago?
Today I hate the judicial system, I hate that my son has chosen this environment and is talking to everyone else but me, I hate some of his friends, and I really don’t care about anything… why do I keep searching? There is no buffer to this drama and once again I’m looking for a way out.
According to my family my role is to be the loving grandma, not to be the therapist or nutritionist…what the fuck does that mean? Do I sit down and watch what I perceive as chaos and mind control and be content? They want me to just the Mom and the Mamma…that person doesn’t exist anymore. That person had her own space and managed to do it fairly well while in a constant state of drama and “edited” by an anchor she dropped many years ago or, so I thought…the other night it tried to strangulate me again.
I am staying for now, not just because I have no other option but because I told 3 people I thought the kids were in an abusive environment.
They can’t come here if John stays, the words he used came from someone I cut out of my life years ago. This was supposed to be similar to a business deal with a contract. I don’t want anyone on my team that shuts me out and takes advice from the male drama queen. I was told to leave, that he didn’t need my help, and I want to go. Who’s on my side today?
There is no way I am comfortable at my other sons…no one is talking about that elephant. And the last time I was with him he blamed his anger issues on me.
And as my Son-in-law wrote, “we just want you to come and enjoy the kids”. How can I enjoy his kids when the house is a construction zone and he’s usually unavailable because he’s working one of his physically demanding jobs, then when he’s at home he’s either in a dark bedroom because of his pain or on a device. As I see it, if no one can find the cause of your pain, it must be the crap you put in your body…as long as long as they are happy I don’t care, I just don’t want to be in that environment.
Now I’m stuck here, my energy level has gone from 120 to 20, I need to spend the day detoxing from all the chemicals I’ve been using and try to rest…how do I get out of this emotional trap?
What is the point in being in this fabulous, healthy body, and having this incredible, creative mind if no one else sees it?…sit down and shut up…just more words to take up space and post on a blog…