BLESSED ABUNDANCE

Yesterday I went to the store to get a supplement my daughter told me about. The woman who owns the store did a small kinesiology session on me, I was kind of impressed because I’d been wondering if I needed magnesium and that is the only extra supplement she told me to get. She also told me there was a sense of grief and loss…how do I change that feeling to blessed abundance?
BLESSED ABUNDANCE, this is what I SEEK. Why has it been so elusive? This morning I woke up at 4am, that was Brooklyn’s magic hour…OMG…he was even concerned about my output…he NURTUREd ME more than anyone has in my entire LIFE…I’m sorry, please FORGIVE ME, thank you, I LOVE you.
I realize how most of my LIFE my prevalent thoughts have BEen, “Leave ME alone”…I’m sure over 5 years is enough alone TIME; the last few years of my marriage, eventually everyone left and that’s okay BEcause they were draining and their LOVE was conditional, it took years of feeling abandoned, unloved, unwanted…
This dis-EASE feels like it’s on it’s last leg. My daughter in law walked BEhind me the other day and I got a dull stab like pain in my back, something different than I ever felt BEre…I wonder if my body was telling me something. Before I got Lymes I was asking that I know what is mine and what belongs to others, is this about me or is it about others? Lymes feels so far away now and I don’t have the energy to know anymore about it, I still feel like I BEcame another statistic to government MANIPULATION…the weakness, the fever, the 1800 mile drive, the two night stay at my son’s.

Last night I realized I need to let him go again. It’s hard to tell if he has some kind of  damage due to a few years of meth use in his teens. He has always BEen a mystery, even when he was little it was hard to tell if he was telling the TRUTH, saying what you want to hear, or joking with you. He is a very KIND SOUL, was always quite and sucked it up…i hate that i wasn’t stronger for my kids and I’m tired of feeling like it’s my responsibility to RELEASE THOSE KARMIC DEBTS NOW…his father always felt the drugs WEre a REFLECTion of who he was and could never see that he might have a part in IT.
I just realized part of the reason I cried for 3 months after I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd and last child was not only because I knew I wouldn’t get HELP in caring for 3 small children but also because I didn’t want to bring another child into his crazy making madness. I LOVE my CHILDREN more than anything IN THE WORLD…and part of this journey has been about letting them go, I can’t HELP them anymore, all I can do is BE the EXAMPLE but what example am I to them? After 5 years, I’m still homeless with no direction.
The last time I saw my daughter I told her I wasn’t going to have any business without a PARTNER…still no one is SHOWing UP, so I’ll PLAY while I’m in Mexico and hopefully I’ll BE taking a class with my grand daughter…or maybe my daughter in law in Ohio, maybe his whole FAMILY. If my dress design turns out, I’m sending her on an adventure, it would BE a great marketing tool I need to find a sustainable company to HELP promote BEre I leave.
I can’t SAVE the WORLD, maybe I could connect a couple cousins… I’m BEginning to feel overwhelmed by the CONNETIONs I SEE myself making… will I BE able to manage it all? How so I continue to keep myself FUELed? How do I stay GROUNDed when I don’t want to leave my head? Plus I have to take care of ME…today I AM going to infuse my water with BLESSED ABUNDANCE.

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things I AM tired of:

Hearing people say they feel alone but in the next breath, “thankfully my SO is by my side”, that my dear friend, is NOT ALONE, that is physical human support…where is mine?

I realize that I used him, probably not as much as he used me but then it wasn’t about keeping score. I was dependent on his boldness, his commanding voice, and how persuasive he could be, until I realized the multiple lives he led didn’t always resonate with mine. We are both chameleons but our intentions are different, his is ego driven and mine is for community. Eventually a couple people I thought were my friends associated my humor as being like his which helped validate how insignificant I felt.
People were focused on his achievements and his needs were greater than mine; I had lost a lot of weight by learning how to cook and eat better quality food, cured my shingles with a weed growing in my back yard, had a metal art business (I still carry some wounds over this, as well as the bath care business I was starting after I converted my welding shop into a soap factory). During that time he started getting back injuries and I was also caring for my grand daughter whos mother abandoned her…and a crap  load of other family dramas…including making a conscious decision to give up on trying to help one of my sons when he was 18… all of these are subjects no one wanted to talk about all people wanted to know was how he was doing.

 
I was reliant on his physical drive and stamina; I hated that I was always tired and maybe if I knew I processed the world different than most, learned self care and self regulation I wouldn’t have felt the need to take stimulants when I was 14…hopefully I’ll get one of my granddaughters onboard to help me develop a program to help others like me.

 
I crave his sexual drive; …every once in a while I’ll try playing alone but I get more pleasure from massaging my sore muscles or eating good food…I’m actually tired of doing anything alone…

 

I AM also sick of hearing people tell me they have confidence that I’ll figure it out; …and here I am, still bed hopping and dependent on my car and his monthly checks.

 
I AM finished with people thinking I know everything; if I did, I would already be self sustainable and not dependent on “his” money.

 
I AM drained from not being able to maintain connections because I don’t see the value of going over the same crap tptb want us to value, hearing stories about people I don’t know and can’t help, one sided or limited judgements;  I hold back knowledge because people aren’t interested in becoming better humans, and most of the time I feel like a fish breathing air, it’s rare to find people who are comfortable talking about deeper things, who have similar beliefs, values, and morals, and if you do, those are short lived, they drift away, and you feel like you need to compromise your own values at times to fit in. Living in the middle isn’t comfortable and most of the time I feel like I’m 30 ft below or 30 ft above everyone else…I know I’ll never measure up to my own standards but it doesn’t stop me from trying.

 

 

Today I feel like I’ve lived and eternity in the middle of everyone else’s stories while most people avoid mine; I’m pretty sure it’s because most people don’t understand my magical thinking or my story, what I make up takes them out of their comfort zone. A little bit of me goes a long way.

 
I’m exhausted from  living life in my head and accepting that I will find a person, place or thing that resonates with me, my desires, needs, and life goals.

 

I AM spent from not being able to effectively articulate my needs and wants to survive on this planet I don’t comprehend which include: business plans, study partners, teaching skills, daily massages and couples yoga. I have yet to see end goal but I know it’s a lot bigger than me… How do you define world domination? How does person do it all? What’s the use of continuing dreams and desires if yours have never created sustainable lives of their own??? How do I reverse this story, how do I transmute these unwanted words, today?

 

WHO?

All my life I’ve felt this pull for a greater life in my heart…I question it every day and have felt so lost in this fantasy. Who is my tribe? Where is my support? Am I destined to do whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing alone?

Life on the farm has been a roller-coaster of reeling the farmer in, trying to focus on one thing, cleaning his mess, trying to get a handle of what his vision is, deflecting his advances. After 30 years, you would think he would have a plan…

Reinforcement has come in the way of a woman a few years younger than me. She is German and prior to arriving in the states she had been living in the UK. I haven’t found out why she is here but her vision was to be in California on the beach…she found a Texas Longhorn hat in a charity shop and then was contacted by the farmer after she arrived in the states. She is also searching for signs and synchronicities so she thought she should take a chance and spend a few weeks on the farm. So far we are getting along, I even offered to share my room with her so she could get out of the living room and off the couch. Who knows, if we’re still getting along in a few more weeks we may go to Florida together and then head west before February.

Every day I’ve been here with the farmer he’s been bouncing from one idea, dream, and scheme with no structure, and he has been resistant and argumentative over my ideas or plans. I’ve told him many times that this cleaning was a waste of my talents…every day I have to deflect his sexual advances…this is my third work experience with a single farmer on the farm and I think each one has expected sexual favors from me…I guess I could own the world if I would give in. After a lifetime of allowing the slime to distract and upset me, I guess I don’t care anymore. I also need to work on not accepting that sleeping with a man is the only way for people like me to get ahead and be self sustaining in this world; not that I would, but it can be frustrating feeling so vulnerable and expecting to do whatever IT is alone.

Having another female in the house is comforting even though she has been privy to his plans and have felt excluded…but then she periodically tells me that he lets her know what ideas I’ve shared with him. Maybe he is listening, but I still feel like the cleaning lady and cook. My new friend has also told me that after her first day she was confused, she thought we argued like an old married couple; I think I finally stopped it.

Two days ago he came out on the porch as I was feeding the cats, got in my face a little and told me how good breakfast was…then added, “too bad you don’t fuck”. I don’t remember my response but about a half hour later, there was a discussion between the three of us and my roomie said something about us sounding like a couple, my response, “yea but I will never fuck him”, then I left the room reminding him that I do what I’m told, I cook and clean, that’s what I’m here for. Maybe this is how men will always see me, I wish there was a man in my life to act as a barrier for this energy. I’m tired of deflecting it alone.

After a long barefoot walk collecting pumpkins and sage, trying to sort out why this keeps happening, we had a chance to sit on the porch and talk and I asked him if he could look at me as a sister…things have been easier since then.

This morning he told me of an idea to have someone invest in the house and store that are both empty…he would require money down for repairs and a few upgrades and split the profits…who knows it may be doable for me. I’ve already started a search for a place that is actually a functioning B&B in a warmer climate because whatever I do, I will need more experience. Cleaning and cooking here isn’t giving me the experience I was hoping for.

I’m kind of sad that I haven’t heard back from Brooklyn, I’m also sad that I haven’t gotten a response from someone I felt could help direct me to someone interested in starting a boarding school for HSPs…I’m kind of sad that at this time last year I had someone to laugh with, make plans, and share dreams with…what is the purpose of starting anything if there is no one to share the creative process with? Who wants to play?

PEARL DIVING

brooklyn@hushmail.com                              Today at 7:21 AM

To Lindsay Blair

I wish you only all the happiness in the world.
It was nobody’s fault. I tried to love you, but it just didn’t work for me.
I am trying to change my behaviors too in an attempt to learn and grow.

Blessings to you for the future.

Brooklyn

Just another day of an egoic death, I keep reminding myself that this is all good, burning off the crap that doesn’t serve me, just more dreams to walk away from, I keep working on surrender…letting go of outcomes…where are the humans that resonate? Where are the ones who see beyond the veil? Where are the ones striving to become the best humans they can be? Where are the ones that see the vision and ready to create another reality?

I don’t even remember what day it started, maybe it was last Sunday. As the Count was leaving for work he told me how he had to reassure his young artist friend that he had the knowledge and experience, her main focus was to create…together they play in perfect harmony. This sent me into a spiral of questioning my existence again.

Was I not asking for someone to help ground me? Was I not asking for someone to show up in my life that would help me articulate ideas into real things? Was I not asking for someone that would help me become a better version of me? …someone willing to stand beside and support me…someone that knew what it felt like to overcome the limitations tptb tried to bind them with…someone that wanted to create another reality. Why would someone that appeared to want this come into my life and then not willing to go all the way? What is wrong with me?

At least this time it only lasted a couple days. I had one day of feeling purpose and reprieve then I had to deal with my Jett, a day in the desert with no air conditioner; the fiasco with the dealerships, the fiasco with the rental car. Once again dealing with the “real” world of competition and greed…dealing with another day; stretching out body aches, being thankful for not understanding why others don’t see what I see…then this morning I get a message from him…this has gone on too long… I need to feel some reprieve, some pleasure, some fun…

I know my differences; I know that interactions with many people and dealing with “real world” situations exhaust me.  My mind is stuck in a deeper meaning searching for things missed by those who are more suited to the understandings of the “real” world.

As an HSP/INFJ I realize my thoughts are not their thoughts…I’ve just allowed “them” to define me. One of the differences is that my mind is usually deep in the ocean, searching for pearls and artifacts of lessons learned from past lives and generations. Part of the abandonment I feel is from trying to bring those pearls to the surface and have someone actually value them…many times I feel suffocated trying to breath the climate that others strive in and even when they agree with you, habits never change…maybe I ask to much from others…I wish there was someone in my life helping me hold up this vibration…

I have to keep telling myself that there is a reason, at least now I have a visual in my mind of what is so different about how I process the world…why do I keep trying if there is no one valuing the pearls I keep casting out into the world?

Dear world,

I tried to love you…it’s just not working out for me.

I am grateful for this human experience.

Thanx,

Lindsey Blair

STAY OR GO?

I got a message this morning from my old self…I told myself 6 weeks ago if I hadn’t made any connections in Prescott, that I would start thinking at that time to go someplace else, I was going to commit to this playground I found. I marked it on the calendar of my phone. I promised myself to do a project every weekend; I made soap, made a solar oven and cooked 3 weekends before  to oven fell apart, it was just a prototype. I was hoping to find a partner that wanted to share in the fun, what’s the use if there is no one to play your games with?

Today was the day I was going to stop the projects and decided where to go next, I thought it would be in another month or two…the universe had other plans and I am feeling frantic right now trying to figure out how to get everything done by the end of the month, especially when I’m bombarded with world news every day I work. I feel pulled into everyone elses boxes, and don’t feel an equal exchange from anyone around me. I’m dealing with people trying to take my money again through my credit card, it’s emotionally draining dealing with this crap, how can this even be legal? What is it? Do people blindly pay their bills and not question it? What is the purpose of…I cannot solve my own problems let alone trying to figure out the problems of the world…all the details, trying to find work to sustain me yet finding only drudgery.

… wondering why I met a man that appeared to want to support me in business, one that appeared to want to hold me to a higher standard, one that cared about my health, one that knew what it was to feel victimized by the system and competent in seeing through the veil …exactly what I asked for…maybe he didn’t like the standard I was hoping to hold him to; I was hoping he would do the same for me. I realize how maddening it must have been for brad, what was it that made me stay 35 years? I felt like I was always compromising my morals and values with him and he never supported me in being a better version of me.

I realize that thinking about Brooklyn is a waste of my time, I need to move on… It’s over…One of his careers was a 5th grade teacher maybe I had to do some healing over my 5th grade teacher swatting me for not finishing my times tables on time. How fucked is that? What message did that send me about my value?

What message did I receive from the world that always told me I was wrong? What message did I receive from men who only wanted to violate and control me? What message did I receive from being ignored, never told I was smart, never praised for my accomplishments, never recognized for my talents …?

What message did I receive when I was physically and emotionally drained whenever I had too much interaction with others? Something was always wrong with me and I never knew why. Most people like me are surrounded by takers, …some people take and take but never give. Humans, always asking for advice yet never heed the counsel, draining your brain for knowledge and never taking it, then they wonder why their lives are shit; their relationships with others and their bodies are in a constant state of imbalance. What message am I receiving from living in a world where humans are so stuck on the outside bling? Trying to fix everyone around them and not examining how they are contributing to the chaos. Things that are so obvious to me…but then who am I to counsel anyone? Look at my life. In my mind I’m a superhero saving the world…and I’m struggling to keep breathing…and many times I just want to hide.

Today I’m busy packing, leaving behind my big room surrounded by my stuff, detaching the dreams of finding collaborators for my ideas, detaching from this town I fell in love with, detaching from the dreams of House Concerts…sounds like the Count is going to start doing them soon, and I could have fed the guests…

This morning the message from my past self came around 8:30 am, July 13, 2016:” Will I stay or will I go?” Maybe all I need to focus on is saying goodby to my grand kids…this is a very a scary ride.

Thank you for being here confusion, I am so grateful you are once again telling me this life isn’t for me. What next? Please tell me you have a grand plan mapped out for me…or just take me now… I don’t feel the strength to continue holding up my own vibration let alone someone elses…Where are the dreamers, the visionaries, the humans that see the same as me?

AGAPE

Dear Winslow,

I appreciate that my FRIENDship has helped you BEgin to heal your HEART…although I’m sure it had already started, our talks probably brought it to the next level.

Maybe I wasn’t very clear about my friendships, most of them start out intense and just kind of fizzle. I now know part of the problem is who I am. Most people don’t want to keep going where I do and some believe I over think everything…I know I can make people uncomfortable because people like me can be a mirror to their insecurities. There are very few people that “get” me so I really value our talks…mayBE I should change that thought to I AM a MIRROR to SECURE… 🙂

When I’m feeling conflict I tend to get single focused and can appear aloof or uncaring…during those times it’s almost like I’m out of my body, hovering overhead trying to figure out the feeling, “is it mine?”, “is it the person I’m with?”, “is this part of a collective?” Most of the time I don’t even know, those are the times I just need to escape and get back to my core, which is what I did yesterday.

Right now I know my own conflict is trying to figure out where I’m supposed to be and the struggle to cut the cord with Brooklyn. I did tell you about my last letter to him and now I’m worried that you want more than just a friendship with me, I think I did tell you that I got off of the dating sites because I wasn’t sure if I was ready for an intimate relationship because I keep thinking about him…I realize that it’s probably not about him in particular but I saw a lot of his strengths that are my weaknesses and had high hopes that he was the one I’ve been waiting for.

Yesterday I went for a walk to the Hassayampa where Brooklyn and I used to go hoping that I could get some kind of closure and move on…it didn’t happen.  The only thing I can make up about this is God/Universe…or maybe I’m telling myself that I need to feel more independent before I get into another intimate relationship.

I really do value you as a friend and would love to help you in your journey. We are both on a similar path and think we could be good for each other, yet afraid that I’m leading you on…until I can find closure and cut the cord to Brooklyn it wouldn’t be fair for anyone…I have a lot of healing to do too. Your stories do not wear me out…most people only want someone to dump on but you are genuinely trying which is encouraging. I appreciate your friendship.

Agape

Lila

Sit back and enjoy the ride…

Yesterday I was really hoping to find some closure going back to the Hassayampa. Even my usual visualization felt detached and confusing…maybe BEcause of memories of him and the dogs kept appearing…at one time I thought I could hear his voice muddled in the sound of the river. I was really hoping that getting on a couple dating sites and meeting more men would distract ME from the fantasy I was creating with him…

I’ve decided to BEcome a member of Polka Dot POWERHOUSE. Although I’ve BEen spending more money than I’m comfortable with, I need to keep focusing on how each purchase is taking ME to another level of self improvement and trusting that it is always there when I need it…deep breaths…I can comfortably keep up this pace for a couple months. I have to keep trusting that my living arrangement, as invasive as it feels most of the time, is helping to heal a generational pattern for my kids and grand kids.

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS…There were a couple prayers answered yesterday. I’m taking on a new client, a replacement for my Alzheimer’s client that was feeling like drudgery. I was asking for a new assignment and also more money because I want to have an allergy test and possibly buy some tools for my new venture. The new client wants 5 days a week for a few hours in the morning, I told my supervisor I could probably manage him and my Quad for a few weeks because I need the extra income right now.

I hope to hear from Winslow soon…last Sunday we talked about meeting every Sunday for “Church”, a walk in the forest, I do enjoy his company. It isn’t easy trying to solve problems and hold up the VIBRATION of the world alone. BEsides that, he knows what it feels like to BE a portal of LOVE…

LIFE of PI

3.14

MayBE this is how PI felt before man saw its importance, at one time I bet IT felt just LIKE ME; scattered across the Universe, feeling your PURPOSE has BEen wasted in a sea of egos and competition… mayBE the next planet will PLACE a VALUE ON humans like ME. Until then, please God/Universe, whoever you are, send me patience and HELP ME REALIZE a DREAM…sometimes I just want to explode

I keep asking for signs that there is someone out there searching for the same as ME. I’m sad that I keep going back to him…the other morning I told Jill that I have a thing for men’s hands. Of course this brought ME back to his hands, at times they looked out of proportion to his body. Shortly after that, while on my way to work, I heard a song and all day seven of the words kept going through my head, “Big hands I know you’re the one…”

I guess what hurts ME the most is that he wasn’t open to exploring what went wrong. If I would have known myself BEtter I could have told him about my BEing a chameleon..but when I think about it, mayBE he is a chameleon too…he seemed to be ever changing. Would I be willing to tolerate this out of someone if there was visible proof they were trying to improve? I guess the first step is to admit there is a problem, if he is comfortable with it, it’s his issue not mine. Maybe I should write a 12 Step Program for Relationships: Step 1-BEcome AWARE; Step 2-BE NICE; Step 3-HOT PASSIONATE SEX…LOL mayBE not…just one more list of things to do…

How many more lists before I SEE my INNER WORLD BEcoming my REALITY? The thought of this frightens the hell out of me…it FEELs EXPANSIVE and I feel so alone and lost in the minutia of IT all. Right now IT feels like the weight I’ve been trying to hold UP, the one that was suffocating me was the VIBRATION. In MY HEART I think I was always trying to fight the sorrow but I’m learning to BE a river and learning to hold UP a VIBRATION in the midst of the chaos.

My vision the past couple days has been to go back to the place that spoke to my HEART…I’ve been searching the past 5 weeks for a replacement …I have videos, maybe that’s what I need to work on this morning. I’ll stay in bed, relax, recuperate…maybe watching the videos I took will help me get rid of the feelings …no… I really want to go back to the Hassayampa, besides that it was healing. I would visualize that I was giving “them” back their shame or blame…but the last few times I sent THEM LOVE. I’m going back today and have a picnic. What do I send “them” today? Maybe I’ll purge the golden raindrops that have BEen showering ME the past few days…I’m not finding a suitable way to release that ENERGY.

I had a realization that with Brooklyn I saw how broken and limited he was in the places I want to excel at…If I BEcome business partners with him, I will BE fighting the urge to BE with HIM…If I have no CONTACT, I fight the fear of FEELing unsafe in this world I don’t comprehend.

I also realize that Winslow is crushing on ME… problem is that he doesn’t even know ME…the only people that KNOW this inner world of mine are the handful of views on WordPress I get each day, THANK you ONE and ALL. BEing noticed is hard for ME…I ‘ve always felt taken advantage of because of my sensitivities/passiveness/vulnerability. No wonder I hid behind a huge ego. I realize I’m more secure with an extrovert, someone that will hold me, touch me every once in a while. Someone to help me shine… I wish it could be Winslow, he is a very beautiful soul…. WE are both living on another dimension, I’m praying that he realizes what he needs in a relationship, I think he needs an extrovert too. Someone that would take care of the minutia and allow him to focus on BEing the CREATOR… but then I can only speak for myself, mayBE he thinks he needs something else. I realized the connection between us would be good to healing my father wounds…could he love me in an agape way?

Where is the huMAN that will help ME stay grounded?

Where are the business partners? I think I might have found some in a woman’s group, Polka Dot Powerhouse…hopefully the group will SEE a value in a VISIONARY like ME.

I’ve started identifying the HUMMINGBIRD as MY ORACLE. This feels significant today, I was thinking that reading uppercase words sounded like some kind of code, or even a foreigner trying to speak English… ORACLE makes perfect sense. SHE IS MY ORACLE. My desire is to BE that for someone. Why do I keep going back to HIM? Winslow is the only male showing up in my life but I think WE WEre connected to HEAL some wounds.  I told him I was still in LOVE with someone else…I really hate to let people down…it’s physically painful. How do I change that today? MY DESIRE is for him to find his TRUE LOVE. I don’t want my father as my partner…

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on the movement…the other day my Quad allowed me to massage his back. I think it was the first time I left his home feeling a sense of accomplishment. He told ME that he felt better than he had in months. Hopefully cooking for him will help him gain more strength, even though it isn’t all natural, IT’s a BEginning… I’m still struggling with an underlying anger of how corrupt and broken the healthcare system is…FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on the GOOD, the BEST possible OUTCOME. FOCUS on FINDing VALUE today…