Yesterday I went to the store to get a supplement my daughter told me about. The woman who owns the store did a small kinesiology session on me, I was kind of impressed because I’d been wondering if I needed magnesium and that is the only extra supplement she told me to get. She also told me there was a sense of grief and loss…how do I change that feeling to blessed abundance?
BLESSED ABUNDANCE, this is what I SEEK. Why has it been so elusive? This morning I woke up at 4am, that was Brooklyn’s magic hour…OMG…he was even concerned about my output…he NURTUREd ME more than anyone has in my entire LIFE…I’m sorry, please FORGIVE ME, thank you, I LOVE you.
I realize how most of my LIFE my prevalent thoughts have BEen, “Leave ME alone”…I’m sure over 5 years is enough alone TIME; the last few years of my marriage, eventually everyone left and that’s okay BEcause they were draining and their LOVE was conditional, it took years of feeling abandoned, unloved, unwanted…
This dis-EASE feels like it’s on it’s last leg. My daughter in law walked BEhind me the other day and I got a dull stab like pain in my back, something different than I ever felt BEre…I wonder if my body was telling me something. Before I got Lymes I was asking that I know what is mine and what belongs to others, is this about me or is it about others? Lymes feels so far away now and I don’t have the energy to know anymore about it, I still feel like I BEcame another statistic to government MANIPULATION…the weakness, the fever, the 1800 mile drive, the two night stay at my son’s.
Last night I realized I need to let him go again. It’s hard to tell if he has some kind of damage due to a few years of meth use in his teens. He has always BEen a mystery, even when he was little it was hard to tell if he was telling the TRUTH, saying what you want to hear, or joking with you. He is a very KIND SOUL, was always quite and sucked it up…i hate that i wasn’t stronger for my kids and I’m tired of feeling like it’s my responsibility to RELEASE THOSE KARMIC DEBTS NOW…his father always felt the drugs WEre a REFLECTion of who he was and could never see that he might have a part in IT.
I just realized part of the reason I cried for 3 months after I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd and last child was not only because I knew I wouldn’t get HELP in caring for 3 small children but also because I didn’t want to bring another child into his crazy making madness. I LOVE my CHILDREN more than anything IN THE WORLD…and part of this journey has been about letting them go, I can’t HELP them anymore, all I can do is BE the EXAMPLE but what example am I to them? After 5 years, I’m still homeless with no direction.
The last time I saw my daughter I told her I wasn’t going to have any business without a PARTNER…still no one is SHOWing UP, so I’ll PLAY while I’m in Mexico and hopefully I’ll BE taking a class with my grand daughter…or maybe my daughter in law in Ohio, maybe his whole FAMILY. If my dress design turns out, I’m sending her on an adventure, it would BE a great marketing tool I need to find a sustainable company to HELP promote BEre I leave.
I can’t SAVE the WORLD, maybe I could connect a couple cousins… I’m BEginning to feel overwhelmed by the CONNETIONs I SEE myself making… will I BE able to manage it all? How so I continue to keep myself FUELed? How do I stay GROUNDed when I don’t want to leave my head? Plus I have to take care of ME…today I AM going to infuse my water with BLESSED ABUNDANCE.