LIFE of PI

3.14

MayBE this is how PI felt before man saw its importance, at one time I bet IT felt just LIKE ME; scattered across the Universe, feeling your PURPOSE has BEen wasted in a sea of egos and competition… mayBE the next planet will PLACE a VALUE ON humans like ME. Until then, please God/Universe, whoever you are, send me patience and HELP ME REALIZE a DREAM…sometimes I just want to explode

I keep asking for signs that there is someone out there searching for the same as ME. I’m sad that I keep going back to him…the other morning I told Jill that I have a thing for men’s hands. Of course this brought ME back to his hands, at times they looked out of proportion to his body. Shortly after that, while on my way to work, I heard a song and all day seven of the words kept going through my head, “Big hands I know you’re the one…”

I guess what hurts ME the most is that he wasn’t open to exploring what went wrong. If I would have known myself BEtter I could have told him about my BEing a chameleon..but when I think about it, mayBE he is a chameleon too…he seemed to be ever changing. Would I be willing to tolerate this out of someone if there was visible proof they were trying to improve? I guess the first step is to admit there is a problem, if he is comfortable with it, it’s his issue not mine. Maybe I should write a 12 Step Program for Relationships: Step 1-BEcome AWARE; Step 2-BE NICE; Step 3-HOT PASSIONATE SEX…LOL mayBE not…just one more list of things to do…

How many more lists before I SEE my INNER WORLD BEcoming my REALITY? The thought of this frightens the hell out of me…it FEELs EXPANSIVE and I feel so alone and lost in the minutia of IT all. Right now IT feels like the weight I’ve been trying to hold UP, the one that was suffocating me was the VIBRATION. In MY HEART I think I was always trying to fight the sorrow but I’m learning to BE a river and learning to hold UP a VIBRATION in the midst of the chaos.

My vision the past couple days has been to go back to the place that spoke to my HEART…I’ve been searching the past 5 weeks for a replacement …I have videos, maybe that’s what I need to work on this morning. I’ll stay in bed, relax, recuperate…maybe watching the videos I took will help me get rid of the feelings …no… I really want to go back to the Hassayampa, besides that it was healing. I would visualize that I was giving “them” back their shame or blame…but the last few times I sent THEM LOVE. I’m going back today and have a picnic. What do I send “them” today? Maybe I’ll purge the golden raindrops that have BEen showering ME the past few days…I’m not finding a suitable way to release that ENERGY.

I had a realization that with Brooklyn I saw how broken and limited he was in the places I want to excel at…If I BEcome business partners with him, I will BE fighting the urge to BE with HIM…If I have no CONTACT, I fight the fear of FEELing unsafe in this world I don’t comprehend.

I also realize that Winslow is crushing on ME… problem is that he doesn’t even know ME…the only people that KNOW this inner world of mine are the handful of views on WordPress I get each day, THANK you ONE and ALL. BEing noticed is hard for ME…I ‘ve always felt taken advantage of because of my sensitivities/passiveness/vulnerability. No wonder I hid behind a huge ego. I realize I’m more secure with an extrovert, someone that will hold me, touch me every once in a while. Someone to help me shine… I wish it could be Winslow, he is a very beautiful soul…. WE are both living on another dimension, I’m praying that he realizes what he needs in a relationship, I think he needs an extrovert too. Someone that would take care of the minutia and allow him to focus on BEing the CREATOR… but then I can only speak for myself, mayBE he thinks he needs something else. I realized the connection between us would be good to healing my father wounds…could he love me in an agape way?

Where is the huMAN that will help ME stay grounded?

Where are the business partners? I think I might have found some in a woman’s group, Polka Dot Powerhouse…hopefully the group will SEE a value in a VISIONARY like ME.

I’ve started identifying the HUMMINGBIRD as MY ORACLE. This feels significant today, I was thinking that reading uppercase words sounded like some kind of code, or even a foreigner trying to speak English… ORACLE makes perfect sense. SHE IS MY ORACLE. My desire is to BE that for someone. Why do I keep going back to HIM? Winslow is the only male showing up in my life but I think WE WEre connected to HEAL some wounds.  I told him I was still in LOVE with someone else…I really hate to let people down…it’s physically painful. How do I change that today? MY DESIRE is for him to find his TRUE LOVE. I don’t want my father as my partner…

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on the movement…the other day my Quad allowed me to massage his back. I think it was the first time I left his home feeling a sense of accomplishment. He told ME that he felt better than he had in months. Hopefully cooking for him will help him gain more strength, even though it isn’t all natural, IT’s a BEginning… I’m still struggling with an underlying anger of how corrupt and broken the healthcare system is…FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on the GOOD, the BEST possible OUTCOME. FOCUS on FINDing VALUE today…

CREATING SOLUTIONS

“I am convinced that the deepest desire within each of us is to be liberated from the controlling influences of our own psychic madness or patterns of fear. All other things—the disdain of ordinary life, the need to control others rather than be controlled, the craving for material goods as a means of security and protection against the winds of chaos—are external props that serve as substitutes for the real battle, which is the one waged within the individual soul.”~Carolyn Myss

For over a half a century I’ve been on this earth feeling so wrong, never feeling power, feeling the inconsistencies, seeing manipulation and control…and still I find myself in compromising situations partly because of my own egotistical need to feel accepted and wanted and partly because I want to trust that there are people out there that place a high value on me. I feel I deserve a hell of a lot more than I was ever led to believe.                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Sometimes I feel like that crazy lady on the bus… spouting off my own version of CRAP… CHRONIC, REPETATIVE, ADORING, PHRASES

Over the years I’ve formed what I thought were forever friendships and ended up feeling drained because of the drama that they appeard to generate in their lives, they could never see it and to this very day they are still playing those same tapes. So many HUMANS are stuck in what appears to be an unending cycle of self defeating behavior. Of course I see it in everyone else but not myself…from what I’ve been learning, it’s evidently my job.

In my former life…before I became a prisoner to his pain, about once a month I would entertain up to 30 people at my house and I wonder where those “friends” are today. I was there for many of them when they needed help…they seemed to disappear when I became the needy one. Not that I sought them out but I became too busy with the crap (chronic, redundant, asswipe, projections) in my own family and we grew apart…

I’m finding that the only way to end the confusion I feel now is to get rid of stuff. It’s becoming a pattern with me at every unwanted event, I just start purging more crap…now I’m feeling even more detached from this world. I could care less, it’s not nor has it ever been my world…I’ve always felt like an alien.

Today I’m finding myself in my own cycle of hell trying to figure out how to get out of here and connect with HUMANS…a huMAN…someone…flesh and blood that wants to create an easier way….someone to play this game with me of finding solutions…that wants to be on this ride…HUMANS that want to help save the world.

There is a breakdown going on all around, the fear is building up…HUMANS are starting to lose hope in everything they’ve put their trust in…I’ve heard of 4 suicides in my own paradigm the past couple weeks…I believe Robin Williams gave others permission to end the madness in their own souls…there has to be an easier way. Actually there is an easier way…PROVE ME WRONG OR PLAY ALONG….

TAKE A LOOK AROUND

“Take a look around” was a message I got today…does it mean anything?

I’m working on trusting my intuition, trusting the signs and synchronicities… but right now X + Y + Z have not equaled anything in the “real” world.

When I look around this is not the life of my dreams and wondering why I keep running into unwanted events. Is there a fine line between giving up on life and SURRENDERING?

The signs and synchronicities appeared to be pointing in one direction and I realize now that it was all one way…I don’t know what to believe now. What am I missing?

I’m eradicating everything that isn’t for my highest good, everything that feels constricting, everything that feels like a struggle…

All the e mails and newsletters on creating business…unsubscribing to them all, why should I continue? I have as much desire right now to deal with business, marketing and finances as I do to work on an engine or perform brain surgery….I need to keep TRUSTING that there will be a partner to show up and help with this when I’m ready.

I’m unsubscribing to all the e mails and newsletters on relationships and dating…after the feelings of rejection from the last one, I know I’m not ready for another and after so many years of trying to make something out of batshit crazy I’m not sure if I even want to explore this again…well I don’t like playing alone…TRUSTING it will happen organically and next time we will have the same goals.

Now I need to get rid of what won’t fit into my suitcase…there isn’t a lot of physical “stuff” left in my life after 3 plus years of purging.

More than anything else in this world all I want RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW is to sell my car and some kind of a guide to show up and lead the way…

People come, people go

Some grow young, some grow cold

I woke up in between

A memory and a dream

So let’s get to the point, let’s roll another joint

Let’s head on down the road

There’s somewhere I gotta go

And you don’t know how it feels

You don’t know how it feels to be me

~ You Don’t Know How It Feels, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers

WHERE IS THE PULL?

I’m realizing the fine line between setting intentions, creating a dream and expecting miracles vs the contrast of LETTING GO…SURRENDERING…and just ALLOWING life to happen…evidently I haven’t reached that line and I don’t know where to look anymore. I feel like I’ve exhausted all rescorses. Where do I turn to now?

I just realized that I allowed someone else to define me…I was feeling pretty confident about who I AM becoming. I was feeling SEXY, CONFIDENT, I felt like a SHINNY STAR…I was feeling protected…what is the energy that pulled me back down to the low energy, the food, the frustration? Maybe it’s not me??? It could be my Mom, I think she’s expecting me to take care of her now that I’m single (I don’t feel it’s a fair exchange, she was never there for me), it could be my ex MIL who keeps telling me I can stay here forever…it could be a relationship that appears to be one sided

Dear Doctor J,

Are you still missing me? Do you still think about me everyday? If so, then I need you to stop. If I’m picking up on your energy then maybe this is the confusion I’m feeling. Wether it’s true or not, this is what I’m making up about it:

There are no more words to say if you are still indecisive. Make a choice and go with it, have you made a list of pro’s and con’s? If it’s not you then I need to make room for someone else to be present in my life. Please get rid of anything that reminds me of you…pictures, gifts, notes…what ever. I will do the same for you.

As much as I believed in a partnership with you, I cannot force you to take this ride with me. And you seem too distant to want to explore what that ride will entail…I need to move on. I need to get out of here….this is not where I belong.

I will always LOVE you.

Lila #1

And you may ask yourself

What is that beautiful house?

And you may ask yourself

Where does that highway go?

And you may ask yourself

Am I right?…Am I wrong?

And you may tell yourself

MY GOD!…WHAT HAVE I DONE? ~ Once In A Lifetime, Talking Heads

ACCEPTANCE

The little pitty pots that I’ve been sitting on lately are helping me to get rid of the crap.

Although painful at times, I know I need these movements at this time and I will ACCEPT them as just another normal necessity of this journey.

At some point I do aspire to be at some level of perfection but I AM IMPERFECT…I’m still learning and I LOVE ME THIS WAY…

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Or is it?

The other day I happened to encounter the ex and his girlfriend on the road, them in their sporty Mustang, me in my scruffy little ’95 Honda Civic…not only scruffy, it has no air conditioning. In the Arizona desert the average summer temperature can be 115 or more, I call Hello Kitty my sauna on wheels…how many others have such a luxury?

The funny thing is that they were going below the speed limit and I was in the other lane. As I was approaching, I just happened to notice the license plate MYNDBNDR and realized it was them (she’s a therapist). I don’t know why but I decided to get slightly ahead of them and slow down once I could see them in my rear view mirror and wondered if he would notice it was me. There wasn’t a charge or anything, I don’t know what my intention was. Maybe it was just to be noticed, to remind him the state he left me in, we haven’t seen each other in over 3 years now. All I could think about was that in my fantasy, RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW I would be driving the car he never “allowed” me to have…the Jaguar convertible…well my little kitty could be considered is in the same species couldn’t it? I can make up whatever the hell I want…my kitty is growing up…

In my mind I AM making up that soon, very very very soon my life will turn around. I needed to encounter him so that he would realized I was right after all, thoughts do become a reality….the common theme in our marriage was trying to convince him that his thoughts becoming reality was true, problem is that I didn’t think I was part of the equation…my thoughts didn’t matter. I lived a lifetime in denial of who I AM. And now RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW my thought is far, very far from my reality. I AM worth more…much much more than I was led to believe. What energy, space and consciousness would it take to make this happen?

I BELIEVE the reason I’m back in this town I prayed for years to get out of was to help heal the wounds his mother had around him. Not for him, not for her…this is about MY KIDS, MY GRANDKIDS…I AM changing a paradigm in my family.

When I had my fracture and was ready to die it was my family and the story that I was leaving behind that made me want to survive. I decided at that time I was going to be a stronger woman.

MY THOUGHTS DO MATTER, I decided at that time to be living proof for the next generation that WE ALL HAVE the POWER to become who we came on this EARTH to BE…it’s only taken me 3 and a half years to fully realize who I AM…I was given the opportunity to stay with each one of my kids and share with them a little about the things I’d been learning, they don’t really see things my way but that’s OK. Why should they believe me? I BELIEVE that once my FANTASY becomes my REALITY they will BELIEVE. My wish is that they will follow my lead and start identifying the generational beliefs and then PROPERLY ERADICATE what isn’t serving them…it’s their choice, I have no control over it now. What energy, space and consciousness would it take to make it happen?

Yesterday my ex monster-in-law…my NEW adopted Mother, told me that she was feeling comfortable with the relationship between him and her. She said she BELIEVES it was my influence that has helped her come to peace with the fact that he was put on this planet for a reason too, we just don’t know why yet. I think she is realizing that whatever he does or has ever done was never about her, it was just him being who he is and we allowed it to disrupt our life…

I BELIEVE my MISSION here has been accomplished…it’s time for me to spread my wings and just have FUN NOW…What energy, space and consciousness would it take to make that happen?

Sometimes I am GOBSMACKED that I could paint such HUGE DREAMS in my mind…it’ not really the stuff I see in the vision, it’s the feelings of WONDERMENT, the feeling of BEing FREE…today I’m running down the road with my arms wide open shouting how beautiful life could be if we really tried…I JUST ADORE THAT PART OF ME…A SILLY SILLY LITTLE GIRL…JUST HAVING A GOOD TIME…I haven’t felt free enough to do it in two countries now…will the third one be a charm???


When I was young
It seemed that life was so wonderful,
A miracle, oh it was beautiful and magical.
All the birds in the trees, well they’d be singing so happily
Joyfully, playfully watching me
. ~ Logical Song, Supertramp

THE EARTH MOVED

Well maybe not the whole EARTH but mine did…I wonder what it would take to make it a collective effort?

I decided that if I really really really am supposed to go on this trip, everything will fall into place…I’m exhausted trying to force anything anymore…remember I am REDEFINING an ENTIRE LIFE…I have a lot to do. It might not be easy for many to believe but it’s draining to always be processing the energy that tends to bombard you at times, there is that constant push and pull to get things done…I’m going against the grain…and it’s not the path of least resistance yet…I’m learning to just ALLOW…PATIENTLY FLOW…TRUST THAT MOUNTAINS WILL MOVE.

There are things I still want to learn and there’s my blog…I have a need to shout out to the world in general, I was silenced for so long and now I want to be HEARD…LOL…I AM HEARD. I’m looking for others that don’t fit in the box…searching for connections to people like me, I CANNOT be the only one here that wants to engage in this GAME.

My choice is to give up trying to make everything happen and learn more…I AM GRATEFUL for this space to just BE.

I commited myself to a couple books…Surrender by Judith Orloff and Open Her by Karen Brody…I’m going to start focusing on just a few things at a time…not ten thousand…I’m going to see if I can manifest another home to just BE for a while, a quiet place to just read…If not, then I guess there is something else I need to learn…

I decided on the book, Surrender, because I feel like I’ve been in the state of SURRENDER for a while now…I decided that I would just show up in the world…no conditions, no outcomes, whatever my HEARTS DESIRE is will show up anytime. Am I missing something? I think I know how to do everything after hearing a couple people speak about it. Hold my interest for a couple hours, give me the basic concept and I will make up all kinds of ways I can apply it in my own life. I guess this is one thing I need some help with now, I’ll read the book.

I want to learn more about relationships, even though Open Her is written for men, a lot of women have found it useful so decided to read that too. The book identifies Seven Male Archetypes. Maybe it will help me define the men in my Queendom…it’s another one of my ideas…a training ground for SUPER HEROES.

In my Queendom I see myself as THUNDER LOTUS,the Dominatrix…my SUPER HERO POWER is that I blind MORTAL MEN with my BRILLIANCE…suffocate them with LOVE, then I will try to kill them with KINDNESS, it will take a STRONG huMAN to PARTNER with ME. Can a person really LOVE “too” MUCH or be “too” KIND??? …is that even possible?

WHERE IS MY STYLIST?…I want to dress the part, not leather and chains, something FEMININE, SOFT, BEAUTIFUL….maybe I can just start playing with some of these ideas a few paragraphs at a time and see where they would land…

The earth moving event for me is that even though I WANT IT ALL…I realize to get everything I want at once would be overwhelming, especially to one person. I need to slow down even more, if that’s possible. I need to start focusing on what’s presenting in my life to know which way to go.

Hey GOD, Universe…whoever… YOU put me on this planet I don’t understand…if you want me here then show me what to do next, I need help seeing the signs…I’m working on being the BEST HUMAN I can BE, you do the rest, just make sure it’s FUN for ME…this is MY SURRENDER

I’m BETTING THE FARM on this..