MayBE this is how PI felt before man saw its importance, at one time I bet IT felt just LIKE ME; scattered across the Universe, feeling your PURPOSE has BEen wasted in a sea of egos and competition… mayBE the next planet will PLACE a VALUE ON humans like ME. Until then, please God/Universe, whoever you are, send me patience and HELP ME REALIZE a DREAM…sometimes I just want to explode
I keep asking for signs that there is someone out there searching for the same as ME. I’m sad that I keep going back to him…the other morning I told Jill that I have a thing for men’s hands. Of course this brought ME back to his hands, at times they looked out of proportion to his body. Shortly after that, while on my way to work, I heard a song and all day seven of the words kept going through my head, “Big hands I know you’re the one…”
I guess what hurts ME the most is that he wasn’t open to exploring what went wrong. If I would have known myself BEtter I could have told him about my BEing a chameleon..but when I think about it, mayBE he is a chameleon too…he seemed to be ever changing. Would I be willing to tolerate this out of someone if there was visible proof they were trying to improve? I guess the first step is to admit there is a problem, if he is comfortable with it, it’s his issue not mine. Maybe I should write a 12 Step Program for Relationships: Step 1-BEcome AWARE; Step 2-BE NICE; Step 3-HOT PASSIONATE SEX…LOL mayBE not…just one more list of things to do…
How many more lists before I SEE my INNER WORLD BEcoming my REALITY? The thought of this frightens the hell out of me…it FEELs EXPANSIVE and I feel so alone and lost in the minutia of IT all. Right now IT feels like the weight I’ve been trying to hold UP, the one that was suffocating me was the VIBRATION. In MY HEART I think I was always trying to fight the sorrow but I’m learning to BE a river and learning to hold UP a VIBRATION in the midst of the chaos.
My vision the past couple days has been to go back to the place that spoke to my HEART…I’ve been searching the past 5 weeks for a replacement …I have videos, maybe that’s what I need to work on this morning. I’ll stay in bed, relax, recuperate…maybe watching the videos I took will help me get rid of the feelings …no… I really want to go back to the Hassayampa, besides that it was healing. I would visualize that I was giving “them” back their shame or blame…but the last few times I sent THEM LOVE. I’m going back today and have a picnic. What do I send “them” today? Maybe I’ll purge the golden raindrops that have BEen showering ME the past few days…I’m not finding a suitable way to release that ENERGY.
I had a realization that with Brooklyn I saw how broken and limited he was in the places I want to excel at…If I BEcome business partners with him, I will BE fighting the urge to BE with HIM…If I have no CONTACT, I fight the fear of FEELing unsafe in this world I don’t comprehend.
I also realize that Winslow is crushing on ME… problem is that he doesn’t even know ME…the only people that KNOW this inner world of mine are the handful of views on WordPress I get each day, THANK you ONE and ALL. BEing noticed is hard for ME…I ‘ve always felt taken advantage of because of my sensitivities/passiveness/vulnerability. No wonder I hid behind a huge ego. I realize I’m more secure with an extrovert, someone that will hold me, touch me every once in a while. Someone to help me shine… I wish it could be Winslow, he is a very beautiful soul…. WE are both living on another dimension, I’m praying that he realizes what he needs in a relationship, I think he needs an extrovert too. Someone that would take care of the minutia and allow him to focus on BEing the CREATOR… but then I can only speak for myself, mayBE he thinks he needs something else. I realized the connection between us would be good to healing my father wounds…could he love me in an agape way?
Where is the huMAN that will help ME stay grounded?
Where are the business partners? I think I might have found some in a woman’s group, Polka Dot Powerhouse…hopefully the group will SEE a value in a VISIONARY like ME.
I’ve started identifying the HUMMINGBIRD as MY ORACLE. This feels significant today, I was thinking that reading uppercase words sounded like some kind of code, or even a foreigner trying to speak English… ORACLE makes perfect sense. SHE IS MY ORACLE. My desire is to BE that for someone. Why do I keep going back to HIM? Winslow is the only male showing up in my life but I think WE WEre connected to HEAL some wounds. I told him I was still in LOVE with someone else…I really hate to let people down…it’s physically painful. How do I change that today? MY DESIRE is for him to find his TRUE LOVE. I don’t want my father as my partner…
FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on the movement…the other day my Quad allowed me to massage his back. I think it was the first time I left his home feeling a sense of accomplishment. He told ME that he felt better than he had in months. Hopefully cooking for him will help him gain more strength, even though it isn’t all natural, IT’s a BEginning… I’m still struggling with an underlying anger of how corrupt and broken the healthcare system is…FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on the GOOD, the BEST possible OUTCOME. FOCUS on FINDing VALUE today…