Sit back and ENJOY THE RIDE

Last weekend I was in Sedona and activated my OkCupid account to show my sister who has been happily married for almost 50 years, what kind of guys are out there…I really wasn’t planning on keeping it open but shortly after I activated it, I got a message from a guy in another state. It’s only been a week but I think I’ve found a friend. In his last letter he indicated that he is interested in someone else and thinking about relocating…he rights letters as long as mine. I hope it lasts. Not just his friendship but his new love interest. I thought I’d found a friend over a year ago, eventually he disappeared…he wasn’t really looking for a friend. I used to pray he would hook up with a nice woman, I hope he’s found a mate by now. This new guy has been a licensed therapist for many years and tired of the minutia…

 
PS Are you able to retire or will you be looking for another job? Coaching is becoming trendy, more freedom to do what you do, and I would think less invasive than dealing with licensing and other legalities…just a thought
Lila
Sit back and enjoy the ride… enjoy the ride…that’s how all my e mails end, and I have to remind myself that every day…

 
I’m in my element when I help others… I wish there was someone helping me. It used to hurt but in the past couple years I’ve realized that no one really understands what I’m dealing with, no one understands my thought process, or they are uncomfortable with depth…shallow swimmers.

 
I’ve spent a lifetime helping others and the past few years have been learning to take are of me…

 
Something always leads me back to him. He seemed to know my physical needs before me…we would sit down and rest for 5 minutes every so often when we were working, he would get me a pillow or a blanket when we watched programs we both enjoyed, he got an ottoman for me. The second time I went to his house, one of the mirrors in his bathroom was lowered so I didn’t have to stand on my toes to look into it…

 
the ex didn’t notice when I went from a size 14 to a 6. Brooklyn noticed if I lost a couple pounds…we had the same tastes in food and both liked cooking, experimenting, and learning more. I’m usually more conscious of my food than anyone around me…he taught me to eat even better. the ex would rarely eat anything outside of candy, one time he had a toothache and would only drink water. I took him to the ER and they kept him for 3 days because his kidneys were shutting down and they couldn’t figure out why…

 
To go on can be torturous at times but what else do I have to hold on to? Who else shares my dreams and visions and likes to keep track of the money and economize?

 
the ex hated New Yorkers and Jews…daily I’m working on cutting the cord to one…maybe then I’ll attract someone more suitable for me. Some days I want to end it all but if I’m meant to be here I guess at this point all I can do have faith this uphill climb will level out, all I can do is sit back and enjoy the ride

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WHO DO I SAY I AM?

What parts of me do I describe?

Who have I decided I have become? The chameleon, the alien, the goddess, the crone…
Maybe the alchemist who in the past few years has discovered how to change the structure of plain drinking water into emotions; who has used breath to direct unwanted energy into the earth to be transmuted into sustainable energy…or up to the sun to be burned.
Or do I discuss the introverted empath who simultaneously wants to hide while being noticed; who feels/sees/hears the incongruencies of the world yet is a paradox of her own; who periodically needs to detach from the “real” world and cry about the things she cannot change…poverty, manipulation, greed, hate, subjugation…
Or maybe the tell tale sign of who I AM is what’s in my toolbox: a cloak of invisibility; pinwheels; bubbles; tapping; an infinite stream of possibilities; believing in human potential, a better day, a trust that the universe has my back, and a hope of a better day; accepting there is a reason; surrendering to outcomes; enough knowledge to set the world on fire; a thesaurus.
Or maybe what scares me. Finding others who, like me, are very individual and communicate in cryptic form. My take on it is that there is a knowing, maybe a truth, that is waiting for a blueprint. The visions are there ready to be articulated and waiting for the right cartographers to show up; their maps will change the rotation of the world. Not like Superman…this rotation is in the energy. It will be just like playing an old country western song in reverse, everything that was lost will soon be found.
But then I could be wrong, maybe I’m just a child lost in a fantasy…some days I’m that pink balloon searching for a place to land, some days I’m an egg, some days I’m a rock, some days I’m a multidimensional masterpiece…maybe I’ll never have the power to change the entire world but I know I have the power to change my own.

LIFE of PI

3.14

MayBE this is how PI felt before man saw its importance, at one time I bet IT felt just LIKE ME; scattered across the Universe, feeling your PURPOSE has BEen wasted in a sea of egos and competition… mayBE the next planet will PLACE a VALUE ON humans like ME. Until then, please God/Universe, whoever you are, send me patience and HELP ME REALIZE a DREAM…sometimes I just want to explode

I keep asking for signs that there is someone out there searching for the same as ME. I’m sad that I keep going back to him…the other morning I told Jill that I have a thing for men’s hands. Of course this brought ME back to his hands, at times they looked out of proportion to his body. Shortly after that, while on my way to work, I heard a song and all day seven of the words kept going through my head, “Big hands I know you’re the one…”

I guess what hurts ME the most is that he wasn’t open to exploring what went wrong. If I would have known myself BEtter I could have told him about my BEing a chameleon..but when I think about it, mayBE he is a chameleon too…he seemed to be ever changing. Would I be willing to tolerate this out of someone if there was visible proof they were trying to improve? I guess the first step is to admit there is a problem, if he is comfortable with it, it’s his issue not mine. Maybe I should write a 12 Step Program for Relationships: Step 1-BEcome AWARE; Step 2-BE NICE; Step 3-HOT PASSIONATE SEX…LOL mayBE not…just one more list of things to do…

How many more lists before I SEE my INNER WORLD BEcoming my REALITY? The thought of this frightens the hell out of me…it FEELs EXPANSIVE and I feel so alone and lost in the minutia of IT all. Right now IT feels like the weight I’ve been trying to hold UP, the one that was suffocating me was the VIBRATION. In MY HEART I think I was always trying to fight the sorrow but I’m learning to BE a river and learning to hold UP a VIBRATION in the midst of the chaos.

My vision the past couple days has been to go back to the place that spoke to my HEART…I’ve been searching the past 5 weeks for a replacement …I have videos, maybe that’s what I need to work on this morning. I’ll stay in bed, relax, recuperate…maybe watching the videos I took will help me get rid of the feelings …no… I really want to go back to the Hassayampa, besides that it was healing. I would visualize that I was giving “them” back their shame or blame…but the last few times I sent THEM LOVE. I’m going back today and have a picnic. What do I send “them” today? Maybe I’ll purge the golden raindrops that have BEen showering ME the past few days…I’m not finding a suitable way to release that ENERGY.

I had a realization that with Brooklyn I saw how broken and limited he was in the places I want to excel at…If I BEcome business partners with him, I will BE fighting the urge to BE with HIM…If I have no CONTACT, I fight the fear of FEELing unsafe in this world I don’t comprehend.

I also realize that Winslow is crushing on ME… problem is that he doesn’t even know ME…the only people that KNOW this inner world of mine are the handful of views on WordPress I get each day, THANK you ONE and ALL. BEing noticed is hard for ME…I ‘ve always felt taken advantage of because of my sensitivities/passiveness/vulnerability. No wonder I hid behind a huge ego. I realize I’m more secure with an extrovert, someone that will hold me, touch me every once in a while. Someone to help me shine… I wish it could be Winslow, he is a very beautiful soul…. WE are both living on another dimension, I’m praying that he realizes what he needs in a relationship, I think he needs an extrovert too. Someone that would take care of the minutia and allow him to focus on BEing the CREATOR… but then I can only speak for myself, mayBE he thinks he needs something else. I realized the connection between us would be good to healing my father wounds…could he love me in an agape way?

Where is the huMAN that will help ME stay grounded?

Where are the business partners? I think I might have found some in a woman’s group, Polka Dot Powerhouse…hopefully the group will SEE a value in a VISIONARY like ME.

I’ve started identifying the HUMMINGBIRD as MY ORACLE. This feels significant today, I was thinking that reading uppercase words sounded like some kind of code, or even a foreigner trying to speak English… ORACLE makes perfect sense. SHE IS MY ORACLE. My desire is to BE that for someone. Why do I keep going back to HIM? Winslow is the only male showing up in my life but I think WE WEre connected to HEAL some wounds.  I told him I was still in LOVE with someone else…I really hate to let people down…it’s physically painful. How do I change that today? MY DESIRE is for him to find his TRUE LOVE. I don’t want my father as my partner…

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on the movement…the other day my Quad allowed me to massage his back. I think it was the first time I left his home feeling a sense of accomplishment. He told ME that he felt better than he had in months. Hopefully cooking for him will help him gain more strength, even though it isn’t all natural, IT’s a BEginning… I’m still struggling with an underlying anger of how corrupt and broken the healthcare system is…FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on the GOOD, the BEST possible OUTCOME. FOCUS on FINDing VALUE today…

CREATING SOLUTIONS

“I am convinced that the deepest desire within each of us is to be liberated from the controlling influences of our own psychic madness or patterns of fear. All other things—the disdain of ordinary life, the need to control others rather than be controlled, the craving for material goods as a means of security and protection against the winds of chaos—are external props that serve as substitutes for the real battle, which is the one waged within the individual soul.”~Carolyn Myss

For over a half a century I’ve been on this earth feeling so wrong, never feeling power, feeling the inconsistencies, seeing manipulation and control…and still I find myself in compromising situations partly because of my own egotistical need to feel accepted and wanted and partly because I want to trust that there are people out there that place a high value on me. I feel I deserve a hell of a lot more than I was ever led to believe.                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Sometimes I feel like that crazy lady on the bus… spouting off my own version of CRAP… CHRONIC, REPETATIVE, ADORING, PHRASES

Over the years I’ve formed what I thought were forever friendships and ended up feeling drained because of the drama that they appeard to generate in their lives, they could never see it and to this very day they are still playing those same tapes. So many HUMANS are stuck in what appears to be an unending cycle of self defeating behavior. Of course I see it in everyone else but not myself…from what I’ve been learning, it’s evidently my job.

In my former life…before I became a prisoner to his pain, about once a month I would entertain up to 30 people at my house and I wonder where those “friends” are today. I was there for many of them when they needed help…they seemed to disappear when I became the needy one. Not that I sought them out but I became too busy with the crap (chronic, redundant, asswipe, projections) in my own family and we grew apart…

I’m finding that the only way to end the confusion I feel now is to get rid of stuff. It’s becoming a pattern with me at every unwanted event, I just start purging more crap…now I’m feeling even more detached from this world. I could care less, it’s not nor has it ever been my world…I’ve always felt like an alien.

Today I’m finding myself in my own cycle of hell trying to figure out how to get out of here and connect with HUMANS…a huMAN…someone…flesh and blood that wants to create an easier way….someone to play this game with me of finding solutions…that wants to be on this ride…HUMANS that want to help save the world.

There is a breakdown going on all around, the fear is building up…HUMANS are starting to lose hope in everything they’ve put their trust in…I’ve heard of 4 suicides in my own paradigm the past couple weeks…I believe Robin Williams gave others permission to end the madness in their own souls…there has to be an easier way. Actually there is an easier way…PROVE ME WRONG OR PLAY ALONG….

TAKE A LOOK AROUND

“Take a look around” was a message I got today…does it mean anything?

I’m working on trusting my intuition, trusting the signs and synchronicities… but right now X + Y + Z have not equaled anything in the “real” world.

When I look around this is not the life of my dreams and wondering why I keep running into unwanted events. Is there a fine line between giving up on life and SURRENDERING?

The signs and synchronicities appeared to be pointing in one direction and I realize now that it was all one way…I don’t know what to believe now. What am I missing?

I’m eradicating everything that isn’t for my highest good, everything that feels constricting, everything that feels like a struggle…

All the e mails and newsletters on creating business…unsubscribing to them all, why should I continue? I have as much desire right now to deal with business, marketing and finances as I do to work on an engine or perform brain surgery….I need to keep TRUSTING that there will be a partner to show up and help with this when I’m ready.

I’m unsubscribing to all the e mails and newsletters on relationships and dating…after the feelings of rejection from the last one, I know I’m not ready for another and after so many years of trying to make something out of batshit crazy I’m not sure if I even want to explore this again…well I don’t like playing alone…TRUSTING it will happen organically and next time we will have the same goals.

Now I need to get rid of what won’t fit into my suitcase…there isn’t a lot of physical “stuff” left in my life after 3 plus years of purging.

More than anything else in this world all I want RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW is to sell my car and some kind of a guide to show up and lead the way…

People come, people go

Some grow young, some grow cold

I woke up in between

A memory and a dream

So let’s get to the point, let’s roll another joint

Let’s head on down the road

There’s somewhere I gotta go

And you don’t know how it feels

You don’t know how it feels to be me

~ You Don’t Know How It Feels, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers

WHERE IS THE PULL?

I’m realizing the fine line between setting intentions, creating a dream and expecting miracles vs the contrast of LETTING GO…SURRENDERING…and just ALLOWING life to happen…evidently I haven’t reached that line and I don’t know where to look anymore. I feel like I’ve exhausted all rescorses. Where do I turn to now?

I just realized that I allowed someone else to define me…I was feeling pretty confident about who I AM becoming. I was feeling SEXY, CONFIDENT, I felt like a SHINNY STAR…I was feeling protected…what is the energy that pulled me back down to the low energy, the food, the frustration? Maybe it’s not me??? It could be my Mom, I think she’s expecting me to take care of her now that I’m single (I don’t feel it’s a fair exchange, she was never there for me), it could be my ex MIL who keeps telling me I can stay here forever…it could be a relationship that appears to be one sided

Dear Doctor J,

Are you still missing me? Do you still think about me everyday? If so, then I need you to stop. If I’m picking up on your energy then maybe this is the confusion I’m feeling. Wether it’s true or not, this is what I’m making up about it:

There are no more words to say if you are still indecisive. Make a choice and go with it, have you made a list of pro’s and con’s? If it’s not you then I need to make room for someone else to be present in my life. Please get rid of anything that reminds me of you…pictures, gifts, notes…what ever. I will do the same for you.

As much as I believed in a partnership with you, I cannot force you to take this ride with me. And you seem too distant to want to explore what that ride will entail…I need to move on. I need to get out of here….this is not where I belong.

I will always LOVE you.

Lila #1

And you may ask yourself

What is that beautiful house?

And you may ask yourself

Where does that highway go?

And you may ask yourself

Am I right?…Am I wrong?

And you may tell yourself

MY GOD!…WHAT HAVE I DONE? ~ Once In A Lifetime, Talking Heads

ACCEPTANCE

The little pitty pots that I’ve been sitting on lately are helping me to get rid of the crap.

Although painful at times, I know I need these movements at this time and I will ACCEPT them as just another normal necessity of this journey.

At some point I do aspire to be at some level of perfection but I AM IMPERFECT…I’m still learning and I LOVE ME THIS WAY…