PEARL DIVING

brooklyn@hushmail.com                              Today at 7:21 AM

To Lindsay Blair

I wish you only all the happiness in the world.
It was nobody’s fault. I tried to love you, but it just didn’t work for me.
I am trying to change my behaviors too in an attempt to learn and grow.

Blessings to you for the future.

Brooklyn

Just another day of an egoic death, I keep reminding myself that this is all good, burning off the crap that doesn’t serve me, just more dreams to walk away from, I keep working on surrender…letting go of outcomes…where are the humans that resonate? Where are the ones who see beyond the veil? Where are the ones striving to become the best humans they can be? Where are the ones that see the vision and ready to create another reality?

I don’t even remember what day it started, maybe it was last Sunday. As the Count was leaving for work he told me how he had to reassure his young artist friend that he had the knowledge and experience, her main focus was to create…together they play in perfect harmony. This sent me into a spiral of questioning my existence again.

Was I not asking for someone to help ground me? Was I not asking for someone to show up in my life that would help me articulate ideas into real things? Was I not asking for someone that would help me become a better version of me? …someone willing to stand beside and support me…someone that knew what it felt like to overcome the limitations tptb tried to bind them with…someone that wanted to create another reality. Why would someone that appeared to want this come into my life and then not willing to go all the way? What is wrong with me?

At least this time it only lasted a couple days. I had one day of feeling purpose and reprieve then I had to deal with my Jett, a day in the desert with no air conditioner; the fiasco with the dealerships, the fiasco with the rental car. Once again dealing with the “real” world of competition and greed…dealing with another day; stretching out body aches, being thankful for not understanding why others don’t see what I see…then this morning I get a message from him…this has gone on too long… I need to feel some reprieve, some pleasure, some fun…

I know my differences; I know that interactions with many people and dealing with “real world” situations exhaust me.  My mind is stuck in a deeper meaning searching for things missed by those who are more suited to the understandings of the “real” world.

As an HSP/INFJ I realize my thoughts are not their thoughts…I’ve just allowed “them” to define me. One of the differences is that my mind is usually deep in the ocean, searching for pearls and artifacts of lessons learned from past lives and generations. Part of the abandonment I feel is from trying to bring those pearls to the surface and have someone actually value them…many times I feel suffocated trying to breath the climate that others strive in and even when they agree with you, habits never change…maybe I ask to much from others…I wish there was someone in my life helping me hold up this vibration…

I have to keep telling myself that there is a reason, at least now I have a visual in my mind of what is so different about how I process the world…why do I keep trying if there is no one valuing the pearls I keep casting out into the world?

Dear world,

I tried to love you…it’s just not working out for me.

I am grateful for this human experience.

Thanx,

Lindsey Blair

STAY OR GO?

I got a message this morning from my old self…I told myself 6 weeks ago if I hadn’t made any connections in Prescott, that I would start thinking at that time to go someplace else, I was going to commit to this playground I found. I marked it on the calendar of my phone. I promised myself to do a project every weekend; I made soap, made a solar oven and cooked 3 weekends before  to oven fell apart, it was just a prototype. I was hoping to find a partner that wanted to share in the fun, what’s the use if there is no one to play your games with?

Today was the day I was going to stop the projects and decided where to go next, I thought it would be in another month or two…the universe had other plans and I am feeling frantic right now trying to figure out how to get everything done by the end of the month, especially when I’m bombarded with world news every day I work. I feel pulled into everyone elses boxes, and don’t feel an equal exchange from anyone around me. I’m dealing with people trying to take my money again through my credit card, it’s emotionally draining dealing with this crap, how can this even be legal? What is it? Do people blindly pay their bills and not question it? What is the purpose of…I cannot solve my own problems let alone trying to figure out the problems of the world…all the details, trying to find work to sustain me yet finding only drudgery.

… wondering why I met a man that appeared to want to support me in business, one that appeared to want to hold me to a higher standard, one that cared about my health, one that knew what it was to feel victimized by the system and competent in seeing through the veil …exactly what I asked for…maybe he didn’t like the standard I was hoping to hold him to; I was hoping he would do the same for me. I realize how maddening it must have been for brad, what was it that made me stay 35 years? I felt like I was always compromising my morals and values with him and he never supported me in being a better version of me.

I realize that thinking about Brooklyn is a waste of my time, I need to move on… It’s over…One of his careers was a 5th grade teacher maybe I had to do some healing over my 5th grade teacher swatting me for not finishing my times tables on time. How fucked is that? What message did that send me about my value?

What message did I receive from the world that always told me I was wrong? What message did I receive from men who only wanted to violate and control me? What message did I receive from being ignored, never told I was smart, never praised for my accomplishments, never recognized for my talents …?

What message did I receive when I was physically and emotionally drained whenever I had too much interaction with others? Something was always wrong with me and I never knew why. Most people like me are surrounded by takers, …some people take and take but never give. Humans, always asking for advice yet never heed the counsel, draining your brain for knowledge and never taking it, then they wonder why their lives are shit; their relationships with others and their bodies are in a constant state of imbalance. What message am I receiving from living in a world where humans are so stuck on the outside bling? Trying to fix everyone around them and not examining how they are contributing to the chaos. Things that are so obvious to me…but then who am I to counsel anyone? Look at my life. In my mind I’m a superhero saving the world…and I’m struggling to keep breathing…and many times I just want to hide.

Today I’m busy packing, leaving behind my big room surrounded by my stuff, detaching the dreams of finding collaborators for my ideas, detaching from this town I fell in love with, detaching from the dreams of House Concerts…sounds like the Count is going to start doing them soon, and I could have fed the guests…

This morning the message from my past self came around 8:30 am, July 13, 2016:” Will I stay or will I go?” Maybe all I need to focus on is saying goodby to my grand kids…this is a very a scary ride.

Thank you for being here confusion, I am so grateful you are once again telling me this life isn’t for me. What next? Please tell me you have a grand plan mapped out for me…or just take me now… I don’t feel the strength to continue holding up my own vibration let alone someone elses…Where are the dreamers, the visionaries, the humans that see the same as me?

AGAPE

Dear Winslow,

I appreciate that my FRIENDship has helped you BEgin to heal your HEART…although I’m sure it had already started, our talks probably brought it to the next level.

Maybe I wasn’t very clear about my friendships, most of them start out intense and just kind of fizzle. I now know part of the problem is who I am. Most people don’t want to keep going where I do and some believe I over think everything…I know I can make people uncomfortable because people like me can be a mirror to their insecurities. There are very few people that “get” me so I really value our talks…mayBE I should change that thought to I AM a MIRROR to SECURE… 🙂

When I’m feeling conflict I tend to get single focused and can appear aloof or uncaring…during those times it’s almost like I’m out of my body, hovering overhead trying to figure out the feeling, “is it mine?”, “is it the person I’m with?”, “is this part of a collective?” Most of the time I don’t even know, those are the times I just need to escape and get back to my core, which is what I did yesterday.

Right now I know my own conflict is trying to figure out where I’m supposed to be and the struggle to cut the cord with Brooklyn. I did tell you about my last letter to him and now I’m worried that you want more than just a friendship with me, I think I did tell you that I got off of the dating sites because I wasn’t sure if I was ready for an intimate relationship because I keep thinking about him…I realize that it’s probably not about him in particular but I saw a lot of his strengths that are my weaknesses and had high hopes that he was the one I’ve been waiting for.

Yesterday I went for a walk to the Hassayampa where Brooklyn and I used to go hoping that I could get some kind of closure and move on…it didn’t happen.  The only thing I can make up about this is God/Universe…or maybe I’m telling myself that I need to feel more independent before I get into another intimate relationship.

I really do value you as a friend and would love to help you in your journey. We are both on a similar path and think we could be good for each other, yet afraid that I’m leading you on…until I can find closure and cut the cord to Brooklyn it wouldn’t be fair for anyone…I have a lot of healing to do too. Your stories do not wear me out…most people only want someone to dump on but you are genuinely trying which is encouraging. I appreciate your friendship.

Agape

Lila

Sit back and enjoy the ride…

Yesterday I was really hoping to find some closure going back to the Hassayampa. Even my usual visualization felt detached and confusing…maybe BEcause of memories of him and the dogs kept appearing…at one time I thought I could hear his voice muddled in the sound of the river. I was really hoping that getting on a couple dating sites and meeting more men would distract ME from the fantasy I was creating with him…

I’ve decided to BEcome a member of Polka Dot POWERHOUSE. Although I’ve BEen spending more money than I’m comfortable with, I need to keep focusing on how each purchase is taking ME to another level of self improvement and trusting that it is always there when I need it…deep breaths…I can comfortably keep up this pace for a couple months. I have to keep trusting that my living arrangement, as invasive as it feels most of the time, is helping to heal a generational pattern for my kids and grand kids.

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS…There were a couple prayers answered yesterday. I’m taking on a new client, a replacement for my Alzheimer’s client that was feeling like drudgery. I was asking for a new assignment and also more money because I want to have an allergy test and possibly buy some tools for my new venture. The new client wants 5 days a week for a few hours in the morning, I told my supervisor I could probably manage him and my Quad for a few weeks because I need the extra income right now.

I hope to hear from Winslow soon…last Sunday we talked about meeting every Sunday for “Church”, a walk in the forest, I do enjoy his company. It isn’t easy trying to solve problems and hold up the VIBRATION of the world alone. BEsides that, he knows what it feels like to BE a portal of LOVE…