PHENOMENON

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#5 70% of Highly Sensitive Personalities are introverts.

This picture really describes how I feel…I really can’t add much more ❤

Yesterday my desire was to see a miracle every day. I don’t think I was clear enough because there are miracles everywhere you look.

MY DESIRE is to see a miracle of HUMANS overcoming obstacles and BEing HAPPY every day.

The miracle of HUMANS realizing they are PERFECT just the way they are and BELIEVE they deserve the best.

I’m realizing how much easier it is for me to have a relationship online than in real life…

It gives me time to contemplate. I don’t have to be spontaneous with my thoughts or words. Maybe that is why an introvert needs the time alone. It’s exhausting being around people when you can’t observe before you speak. LOL the narcissist really helped me in this area…I never had a chance to talk.

I have to laugh about this now, how many years did I allow him to discount everything I said? It all feels so ludicrous today. It started as looks, or his breath, I could see the change in him when I said the wrong thing or looked the wrong way…and it became his fuel when he wanted me to feel as bad as him.

I felt his judgement on everyone and everything…it all looked good on the outside. Many times we heard things like, “I love you guys, you are the perfect couple”, “your family is like the Brady bunch”…one of our friends little boy said we were like the Simpsons.

I was his trained monkey. Now I tell people from my past that “Lee was the ass end of brad, I don’t live there anymore”…and some still call me Lee. Every time I hear that name I cringe…everytime someone calls me Lila…I feel kind of empty and…I guess Lila is looking for a story to tell, right now Lila has a desire to tell stories about the people she’s met and the changes they’ve made in their lives. I do know a few who have overcome major obstacles, but so many are struggling for money, the almighty dollar…I don’t comprehend this, is it my own stress or am I picking it up from them?

I decided I NEED a PARTNER to help me count the cost…how much more weird can a person be? I don’t even think about money unless I’m forced to. This is probably my biggest concern about being in the presence of 99.5% of the people I’ve met. Three countries, multiple cities and towns…the prevelant thought in the majority of them feels like money is their main concern…it works for them, it’s just not my concern. To live in the “real” world dealing with money is required. I have as much interest in talking about a car engine than I do money…a least a car engine makes more sense.

I’ve been asking others what their blocks are and I need to ask myself…maybe my next Face Book post will be about HSPs and money…

What has been my biggest resistance? Today I’m feeling a lot of pressure in my chest and it’s about people’s attitudes about money…why is it placed above HUMANS? Why do humans place a higher value on money than HUMANS? Why are so many HEART CENTERED HUMANS struggling to survive in this world?

I AM GRATEFUL for at least one friend today that sees the fallacy of it all…

I just heard from another high school friend. Not like we hung out, more like acquaintances, I don’t remember how we connected but she found out about HSP about the time I did, it’s been months since I’ve heard from her but we’re Face Book friends. This was the miracle I asked for today, it’s not even 8 am and it’s happening…

Hi Miss Lila,

I’m sending you a big hug today as my heart is really filled with joy. I seem to be in a spiritual fast forward…guess what? I’m tapping! I am also reprogramming some of the old messages that have been going on in my head all these years. I’m re-prioritizing things in my life and studying an online course called “dream building”. It took a significant amount of time, energy and investing in myself. I actually started the course last summer and then became filled with some unnamed fear and almost quit 😦 I made excuses to myself why I wasn’t good enough to do that, and I also procrastinated like you wouldn’t believe! But, eventually I’ve come full circle and now I’m moving through the procrastination, yay! I just finished tapping a meditation for release of procrastination. So I guess I better get on with my day but I just had to share this with you my friend! And I know that you are having miraculous things happening in your life as well! Isn’t it great to support each other in this great adventure? Hugs, Rose

I AM SEEING MIRACLES IN HUMANS EVERYWHERE

IDENTICAL; EQUIVALENT; EQUAL

#4 Most Highly Sensitive Personalities avoid conflict at all cost.

We tend to be peace keepers.

When conflict rises I tend to internalize it… sometimes I feel like it’s my fault when I had nothing to do with it.

For days or weeks, sometimes even longer, I replay the situation in my mind, ruminating, feeling the feelings, trying to analyze and find meaning to what happened.

You don’t need my validation as much as I don’t need yours.

Day four of my “coming out” on Face Book and getting good responses, people are commenting and even getting shares…I’m sure the pictures associated with them are helping, I wish I had the capacity to make my own posters, someday I will…one of my friends already has sent me pictures to put my own words and quotes on. It will happen if it’s meant to be…

First thing this morning I got a phone call from one of my friends about the message I sent her. She told me that she was searching for a counselor to help her deal with some problems and then she got my letter. We spoke for over an hour and I was able to help her stay focused on herself, her pain, her block. I tried to keep my opinion about what I make up about her situation to myself, focused on what I see and gave her a couple options about how she could visualize the block. She has all the tools she needs and encouraged her to use them. One of the things I found interesting is that she told me she looks at people around her to decide how to act…I think she is 60 now I hope she realizes after our conversation that she doesn’t have to look outside anymore. I hope she realizes she is beautiful…

Also I got a message from another friend and ended up talking to her, she said I was spot on with her. She shared with me that after years of being on pain medication she has been off of the drugs and now going to a methadone clinic every day…she is trying to get off of that now. She shared with me about some of her powers and how scary they are…I understand now. Her energy is really scattered so not sure if anything I have will help. If she could harness the energy she told me about, it I’m sure she could illuminate a city…I had to cut our conversation short because the farmer wanted to talk. When I tried to call her back I had no phone service.

I got an e mail from the third friend. His first sentence was that he is unable to let it go. Like the others he has all the tools he needs…I’m not here to fix anyone…maybe I’m only here to help others identify the blocks that need to be released…I don’t know.

What I DO KNOW is that I gave it up…the other two knew me when and claim they know the pain I was in. LOOK AT ME NOW…

I’ve decided that I want to see a miracle every day…it’s doesn’t have to be mine. I want to WATCH and FEEL the JOY…I guess right now that is what HAPPINESS looks to me right now. What is the use of having anything if you are still watching with the struggles others are having?

It’s global, I’ve felt the struggle every place I’ve been. If I’m right about this new theory then maybe I need to plan another trip to the UK. This time there will be a different purpose and it has to be something HUGE. A MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR, type of trip.

I could even buy a van and have an artist paint it…maybe I need to think of a theme…TROPICAL…that would stand out. It will have to be an automatic unless I have a co pilot…maybe I should stop looking on the Big Island Craigslist ads. Maybe I need to start looking in the UK…I guess the start would be to decide what airport.

I even have some new connections there, maybe a couple of them would want to go on a roadtip sometime. If it’s still cool then I could just go to the charity shops and buy the cloths I fell in love with…WOW I haven’t even thought about going to the UK until today. I haven’t felt the energy going anywhere and haven’t had a plan in a long time. Now it feels like I have a purpose. I see the only way this will happen is if these three friends…or whoever makes a significant change based on what I see blocking them and becomes a success story as proof. I think it needs to be 3 HUMANS, I’m not putting an attachment to anyone or anything…it’s just a DREAM…

Maybe there is a reason I didn’t get rid of my UK phone and my power plug converters…

Don’t be fooled by the radio

The tv or the magazines

They show you photographs of how your life should be

But they’re just someone elses fantasy

So if you think you life is complete confusion

Because you never win the game

Just remember that it’s a grand illusion

And deep inside we’re all the same.

WE’RE ALL THE SAME…~The Grand illusion, Styx

insurmountable

#3 Highly Sensitive Personalities have a vibrant inner life.1238767_10201563746672524_1644122926_n

I think this picture says it all. We are very inventive and can create vibrant inner lives that flourish and fuel many talents; writing, painting, sculpting, music. Most HSP’s are pegged as quiet or shy, what’s happening a lot of the time is that we are daydreaming, we’re going to the “happy” place in our minds.

I used to live in a constant state of fear they say if you are in fear it is because you are living in the future…

Yesterday after I got back from hitching to the grocery store the farmer came by to talk about work and the banana bread I’m going to bake for him. Before he left I told him how happy I was to be picking up broken and spent macadamia nut shells all day…I’m really staying grounded. Before he left he told me about a visualization to do; imagine a gold light coming from above into the top of your head, bring it into your body and see where it comes out…go that direction.

Today I’m feeling a lot of fear again…a couple people are reaching out to me and I don’t know if I have anything to give… and another one is hiding from me now. I guess my fear is that I still think I should be helping. I can’t fix anything…all I can do is encourage them to see a brighter future than what is presenting itself.

As I was working this morning I was feeling so helpless because these people have told me what they are dealing with and I feel so inadequate to help…one is a new friend, the other two are from my past. Their problems feel insurmountable to me and I started thinking about why they are showing up at the same time? I really do feel that I AM meant to be a Priestly Advisor…I really don’t like that title but that’s how it’s defined. Good things come in threes…

The words to Grand Illusion by Styx kept going through my brain but they were only these 6 words, “deep inside we’re all the same”. As I sat in the middle of the coffee and mac nut trees I did the visualization the farmer told me. I see that light going out in so many directions…I guess that’s what happens to BEings that want to save the world. I decided to start with what is presenting itself to me at this very moment. My 3 friends. I picked the problems of just one person and thought about 3 of the issues she is dealing with…I think I figured it out …in the reality of life, there are just a handful of “problems” we are all facing, the stories are unique but the feelings associated with them are all the same.

I came up with something that might help her and the more I thought about it I can see that each of my friends are dealing with very similar issues, just different stories. I think I know a couple of the problems but that’s just my opinion…they would need to figure it out for themselves. I’m going to take a leap and give each of them the same advice…maybe I’ll send myself an e mail identifying what I think is happening in their lives and wait to see if it’s true.

I’m going to send each of them this message:

I see 3 things blocking you right now.

One of them you have no control over, can you let go of the outcome and trust it is meant to happen this way?

One of them has been with you for years, maybe even a lifetime, can you let that go either physically or emotionally?

Once you master letting go of these first two, the other issue will resolve itself.

Could it be that easy? If I did a little research I could back this up with scientific studies. I guess if someone actually takes my advise an applies it in their own lives it would be worth my time to research it…I hope at least one of them will want to play this game…I’m tired of trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do with this life. The feeling of what direction to take next is feeling insurmountable today…

HELPING

#2 You might be a Highly Sensitive Person if being in public places overwhelms you.

I could never understand how my family could still be so active after coming home from events we used to attend when my kids were young. I was always tired, my brain was in a fog and I couldn’t think straight, at 5pm all I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed.

Same thing when I worked. When I would go home my usual routine was to lie down on our picnic table under a tree and try to rest.

These things never really worked and I think it’s because I didn’t understand why no one else felt this way. I didn’t know that I was an emotional sponge to everyone around me and for a few years I ended up on antidepressants or sleeping pills because something was wrong with me.

I’m getting good responses to my posts, one guy I know sent a message confused because it sounded like it was a problem. He is really one of the few men that are comfortable with his sensitivity…I wish he would have shared what he wrote on my post…

I spent the morning on Skype with a new friend. It was good to connect with her, I need more strong women in my life.

I’m worried about 2 of my friends today…one of them I just connected with again and I think she might be someone I could help get her business going. She posted a high school picture of herself on her FB profile and kind of disappeared…she was probably one of the most gorgeous girls in Wickenburg, inside and out. Her father was the judge and I wonder why she has struggled for so long…I’m sure that her Sensitive nature is a huge part of it. I think that young girl in her wants to say something. She isn’t responding to my e mail or a couple calls. I sent her another e mail today:

Aloha Denise,

I’m a little concerned about you…

I may be going to a bank this week and was wondering how much to make the money order for? If I don’t hear from you I’ll just guess at what I owe and hope it’s enough. I think you told me mom’s total bill was $45…so I’ll just figure another $40 for some samples…unless you tell me otherwise. I know you have bills so really not comfortable with you gifting it to me. I’ll allow you to do it another time OK? I hope my Mom is keeping you updated about how it’s helping her leg, she told me she wrote you a note.

Are you looking for an investor?

I was thinking about $500 would build a nice website…for some reason the Face Book page isn’t doing anything for me and I keep thinking about a website…

One of the things I’ve been wanting to tell you is that before I left MX one morning I woke up with a woman who wasn’t there yelling, “Denise”, I only know 2.

After being in the Burg, I know it wasn’t Denise L. and you are the only other one I know…you showed up and right now I am in the position to help someone with their business. If it works out between us, I could start making soap again and we could be partners. If we don’t think we can work together, then you can pay me back by helping another woman start a business…I’ve been waiting for the opportunity…this could be your gift to me…I just need one person to help… 

Sending Love

I hitched to the store and back today…whoop whoop…that was pretty bold. If a car isn’t showing up, then I guess I needed to be bold and TRUST I will be protected by whoever it is watching over me…that nameless, faceless TEAM. I was thinking a couple of days ago that I could spend $2500 on a car but for some reason it didn’t feel right…maybe that extra $500 is meant to help someone out.

While I was at the store I had good phone service and sat outside I tried to find someone on the mainland that had time to visit, my third call was to someone I connect briefly with from time to time. She was my supervisor in the late ‘80’s.

The last time I saw her we talked about being Empaths and shared stories. She also said, “You are so creative. I know you can do anything. Someday you are going to build a forest, all I want is to take care of one of your trees”…I see her taking care of my finances and keeping me organized someday in the near future…I hope.

We talked for about an hour, she dumped on me the whole time, I didn’t mind. I really love this woman and now she is dealing with the CPS. What she is saying is that a couple of her grandkids have been hijacked by their paternal grandparents. Both of the parents have questionable backgrounds and she is struggling because she has been cut off from seeing her grandkids after being an active part of their lives for the last decade, now she is in the middle of a legal battle and has been hitting many walls. I’m not going to get caught up in the story, it’s long and complicated. I tried to convince her there is a blessing coming from this, too many things are going too wrong. She is such a loving woman. I really have no answers anymore. I wish she had someone to hold her and help her through this time…I don’t think she’s ever really had that support in her life. I guess I want the same thing for me…I AM GRATEFUL today that I AM able to listen to her without it consuming me.

BOLD

I AM GRATEFUL to feel so alone today…

Maybe this isolation and alone is telling me that there are still unresolved issues I must work on…but what? My desire to save the world, to heal aching hearts becomes overwhelming at times. Maybe this isolation is telling me I need to go inward even more. Maybe the realization of how alone I feel is telling me that I need to work on being bolder…this is what I came up with today…

Posted on my FB page:

Today I decided to come out of the closet as to who I am. It’s just been the past in the past 3 years I’ve had a name for it and just recently there have been a couple Face Book groups formed. Almost daily there are new members joining who finally realize there is nothing wrong with them, they just experience the world differently than about 80% of the population…most people in the group are afraid to let others know how they feel and this is probably the scariest thing in my life I’ve decided to do.

From now until the end of the month I’m going to post one thing that is unique to being a Highly Sensitive Personality. I know I have a few friends who found out about HSP around the same time as I did and hopefully BEing BOLD and sharing some of these things will help them to also “come out”, of course everything won’t apply to everyone but about 20% of the population deal with many of these feelings daily. Even if you don’t identify with HSP, one out of every five people you know identifies with it, many don’t know and feel like something is wrong with them and have probably suffered with depression or addiction.

After discussing this with one of my granddaughters who identifies with the trait, I decided my first post would be about anger…

#1 Most of us can literally feel anger. For me if it’s directed at someone else I feel my whole body shut down, I lose my words, my mind feels disengaged and I want to hide from the shame. If it’s directed at me, same thing only I also feel pins and needles all over my body.

I also posted on HSP pages:

The past few years I’ve been trying to live a bolder life after hiding behind a narcissist for 35 years. I’ve lost, sold, or given away all my worldly possession, don’t have a home or a car and just the past few months started collecting some spousal support which is helping me to get out of my introversion and now traveling on a budget, my life was literally reduced to nothing.

I walked away from everything that wasn’t serving me including friends, I have never been close to my family so basically I have one sister and my mom I talk to occasionally and my 3 kids who are scattered across the US in towns I don’t see a future for myself in…sometimes I feel like I’m wondering aimlessly but the way life has been the past few years I feel I’m being led to something. The past few days have felt intense energy wise and the realization of how alone and lost I really feel has set in again…whenever I get this feeling I just figure it means I need to do something bold. Today I decided to “come out” on my own FB page about what it feels like to be HSP and hoping my HSP friends will comment or at least “like” my posts.

There is nothing wrong with us and a lot of times I have a hard time coming on these pages because of the sadness I feel over so many people feeling victimized and have no answers anymore to help anyone. I want to invite anyone to stop by my FB page, it’s all open and if you would like to join in the conversation the next few days please friend me. I really feel that by being bold and letting others know how we feel, we can make changes and help other HSPs that are struggling and maybe help others who don’t know about the trait ❤

I wonder what impact this leap of faith will have on my kids. I’ve had some good responses…I got a message from my new friend that basically said I still wasn’t being truthful…baby steps. I know how resistant I was learning all this new information. Really it isn’t new, it’s been around forever, it’s about TRUST. Trusting that what I need will show up EXACTLY when it’s time…not mine.

victims

There are many victims on this planet. Many. And the more we dismiss legitimate victimhood, the more we perpetuate and enable victimization. I really get that many of us reach a stage where it is essential that we move beyond victimhood and, in certain situations, recognize how we may have manifested our circumstances. But this is not true for everyone, nor is it true in every situation. For some of us, it is essential that we own our victimhood, that we are seen in our own victimhood, and that we do not re-frame our suffering in positive terms unless and until we feel it is true for us~ Jeff Brown

Things are happening, unexplainable sensations…pressure in head, flutters in my upper chest, last night pain in my foot…what does it all mean? According to the “woo woo” world there are waves of energy coming to the earth and the Sensitives are the ones feeling it. If I wasn’t living this life, I wouldn’t believe it.

I AM GRATEFUL for the isolation, I AM GRATEFUL for the alone time working on the farm, I AM GRATEFUL for the limited interaction with humans because I would be so tempted to fall into the needy victim role today and that would serve absolutely no one.

Today the world isn’t allowing me to just forget the past…everything today is about LOVE and intimate relationships. I try not to think this way but there is a part of me that is sad because I “wasted” my best years on someone that could never give me what I wanted in a relationship.

If I truly knew who I was how would life be different today? To keep dwelling on the years spent trying to make life better is starting to feel suffocating…trying; exasperating; frustrating…the trying I was going for was ENDEAVORING; ATTEMPTING; ENCOURAGING.

If I truly knew the dynamics of an Empath/narcissist relationship maybe I could have seen it in my own life. I guess I’m holding on to some anger over the “professionals” I put my trust in not seeing it and the deflated feelings after the few counseling sessions we had are surfacing again. God knows I tried to make it work…

After working 5 hours on the farm clearing out mac nuts from the walkways I spent a long time going over my Face Book page and reviewing where I’ve been since I received the divorce papers on June 11, 2014. Eight months ago, since then I spent the summer helping my Other Mother after she broke her arm. Thought I’d found true love…but our paths were too different.

I spent time with each of my kids and their families in Arizona, Ohio and Virginia, spent 2 months couch surfing across the UK and now here in Hawaii…all the pictures look amazing, the comments I received, the “likes” and all I could think about while I reviewed them all is that I really felt alone, no warm body to share the memories with. I love my kids to death but their lives are not mine, I fell in love with the people I connected with but their lives are not mine and I wonder if this is all I can hope for. What is it that I’m supposed to be doing? What meaning is there to this life?

I could stay feeling victimized by this world I don’t comprehend. I could keep feeling vulnerable because of my empathetic nature. A new friend suggested I BE VICTORIOUS…

What does that look like? It’s been a long journey walking away from worthless…

MEANING

Pioneers are people who prepare the way for others…

Being a pioneer means having a vision. This means seeing beyond yourself to the possibilities in the world around you. Pioneers can see opportunities where others may only see obstacles. They see promise where other only see confusion or problems. Being a pioneer means having courage. Pioneers are risk-takers. They understand failure, but they focus on the great potential for success.

Being a pioneer means being generous. Pioneers believe in helping others. Even when others don’t appreciate that generosity, the pioneer is a giver~ In Search of Heroes

Am I a pioneer? I’m learning to walk around this world I don’t comprehend and not picking up the crap of the craziness and inconsistencies I feel around me. Almost every day there is a new person coming to one of the Highly Sensitive Personality groups on Face Book saying how grateful they are for finding out that they aren’t weird after all. These people are adults. Adults who have felt the same shame, anger and blame of everyone around them. Adults who have been ridiculed and discounted for BEing “too” sensitive by family and peers all their lives. Many of them have been connected with and feel victimized by narcissists and sociopaths most of their lives…I’m having a hard time connecting…

My journey feels so HUGE but people from my past have no interest. I’m connecting with a handful of people and don’t think most of them really care, I wonder if anyone ever will.

The other day I skyped with my Other Mother (her new name, she despises being called the ex MIL) and she told me she ran into an old friend of mine who said to tell me hi…one of my very best friends that stopped coming around, stopped interacting when I became the most needy.

During that time everyone I had connections with always asked how he was doing, after a while I decided to respond, “I don’t know, maybe you should ask him.” It was funny how that response not only stopped the constant conversations about him but seemed to also put an end to the interactions I had with them altogether. I guess that is when I realized I was nothing without him…but my life felt so much bigger than he ever was, the super hero, the fire fighter/paramedic that saved lives and could leap tall buildings in a single bound. It’s only natural to think what I would be, where I would be, who I would be if I partnered with someone who gave me half the support I gave him. I KNOW there is a reason I felt like I didn’t matter.

I’m not really hiding from anyone from my past, everyone knows how to reach me and its so odd that when I did see them after a couple of years of recovering from ptsd there wasn’t anyone that seemed concerned about where I had been, what I was doing, why I looked different…actually younger…today I’m wondering what was all this for? There has to be a reason.

Thwarted plans, shattered dreams…even now my attempts at finding affordable transportation have been unsuccessful and need to take a break because of the drain I’m feeling. So I wait…again today I’m wondering if it will ever be my time to shine…will I ever find someone who will support me in my vision? Over 7 billion HUMANS out there you would think there would be at least one.

How will I know how to effectively play with the energies of others, how to determine my limits, how to realize my potential if my life is isolated and alone?

I AM GRATEFUL for this comfortable, peaceful place. I AM GRATEFUL for the fresh, organic foods. I AM GRATEFUL that my many years of praying to BE alone and stop the craziness were answered…I AM GRATEFUL for this fantasy of BElieving my life has a meaning…