ANOTHER PLEA

Every day since I’ve been in Celeste, it’s been a constant motion, is this what I really want?

The potential here is huge, the farmer has his own agenda and ideas but I see so much more. He is 70 and has been doing this for many years and I don’t know how. There is no set schedule, no rules or expectations and his mind is going in so many directions…he is enjoying how his home is starting to look. I told him deep cleaning feels like a waste of my talents, I don’t know how someone can be oblivious over the filth…there needs to be some structure. I need a coach…

I keep resisting but what do I say? I guess I’ve always known that I would get to a place where I’d have to ask him…who else is there? Even the last coach I hired and a counseling session I’ve gotten recently have left me even more disappointed and confused. I AM different, no one understands my ways, no one can tell me what to do. After days of contemplating I finally wrote the words and sent it:

Dear Brooklyn,

I hope life is treating you well… don’t know why I would think you would have an interest but I’m feeling kind of desperate for help and right now you are the only one I can think of. Are you looking for a project? At one time, you did offer to mentor me.

You already know some of my quirks, irregularities, and weaknesses. There are so few people I feel comfortable with in my life…I’m always asking myself, “why him?” It’s been almost a year now, I’ve been searching, still no one is showing up and life is feeling like it’s on fast forward. I admire your values, business knowledge and really need a teacher right now, I think it could work for me; I would never be face to face with you and communication would only be about work through email or phone. Would you want to coach me for a couple weeks? If so what would you charge?

I’m still learning how to be a new human…I’m still learning how to ask for needs to be met, learning boundaries and how to stand up for myself, learning how to take care of me and most of the time all I want is to be a 5 year old holding on to a responsible adults hand when I cross the street. I’ve been working on articulating ideas and dreams and now it looks like I might have the perfect place to start something, life is feeling a lot bigger than me and to tell you the truth, I’m kind of afraid.

I’ve been asking whoever’s directing this charade for another Jewish man in my life…who knew it would be in Texas? Problem is he isn’t much of a business man. He’s had a 175 acre organic farm for over 30 years and it looks like the structures haven’t been cleaned in at least 10. I’ve only been here a few days, the only one helping him, and I’m already overwhelmed by all that needs to be done. I have to keep reminding myself that I was praying for a huge project to put on my resume, and this just kind of showed up, I thought I’d be in FL or LA this winter.

In the next few weeks I need help prioritizing, making lists and work schedules. There is a lot to do here; besides farming and cleaning, there is inventory on 4 buildings, pricing and labeling…hopefully next week I’ll have a couple helpers. I’m getting exhausted just wiping down the filth on the windows and the farmer has more ideas. By this spring he wants to have a couple tiny homes and apartments ready to rent out on Airbnb, and a store with a possible take out restaurant. He also wants someone to help him with events. I told him about my plan to start a boarding school type of program mentoring young people and he seems to like the idea…if it goes well, I’ll be here for a long time…of course, this could just be another dead-end manifestation and I will have to accept there is something better waiting for me. What do you think?

If you decide not to respond, I understand. Take care

Sending Love,

Lindsay

WHAT IS TRUTH???

I’m feeling delusional today…tomorrow morning I’m heading to Texas and hopefully I’ll be working on my resume in a grand way, where is my helper?

HE must be JEWISH…the reoccurring childhood dream of me and my family being led into big tanks; the fear I felt, our eyes held down, no one speaking. We had all disconnected from each other…it’s what we do when faced with humiliating fear, when our humanity has been stripped away from us for just being who we are. As much as I hate being watched, one of my favorite past times is watching people perform in real life. Watching, studying, envisioning their stories, who they are, where they came from, their relationships with their family…

I feel so disconnected from mine right now and I think this journey the past few months has been about disconnecting from my children. I love them to the death but I no longer feel a part of them, they live so far from each other and they rarely travel to visit. I love them for the humans they are but wouldn’t want to live in any of their worlds. I see the fractures and where repairs could be made…it’s no longer something I need to fix. Besides that why would they listen to anything I say? I’ve never been heard…I’ve also never had the bear house either…

When a Bear Comes strolling across your path: it’s time to go inward and explore the notion of your very existence. Delve deep into your heart to find the significance of your own path and journey. Know that you are free to roam at will along your own path.

If this bear has cubs close at hand, or a bear cub visits you, make sure you bring your children close to you. It could signify that you need to connect closely with the kids around you and ensue that they are safe, free of fear and free from harm.

If Bear is your Animal Totem: You have a great deal of patience in manifesting your ideas and projects waiting for just the right moment to spring them on the universe. You have a great deal of confidence in who you are and where you are going in life. You are looked upon as an authority figure. You are nurturing and protect your children well.

If Bear comes drifting through your dreams: It could signify that it is time to explore your thoughts. Are you caught in the rut of compulsive thinking? Perhaps you have allowed other to do your thinking for you! Step back and re assess things. Go inward and find your true feeling on this matter and follow what you know is right in your heart.

Maybe Anahata’s companion should be a bear…what would his name be?

Once again I’m feeling delusional, there is a level of fear mixed with some excitement…and I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Maybe the fear today is missing the crest of the wave; yet feeling so naked and alone in taking the leap. I want to live fearlessly and challenge the norm; today there is no joy. People are tired, afraid, confused…misled, and all I want to do is have some fun.

I try to convey this message to my children but why should they listen? I’m sure they see the value in my altruism yet they are aware of the deception. If they are to follow my lead I guess they need to experience my house, living under my rules; the polar opposite of what they experienced in their lives. I’ve changed, I’m a new human…I’m the mother they deserved.

This student is ready, when will that teacher show up? I only know of one who could help me right now…he hasn’t been in the picture for eternity…maybe it was his lineage that is connected to that little girl in the dream…real or Memorex???

OK my job is over, we connected and hopefully we both healed enough so I can move beyond the memories of him. Maybe I need to hold on to the memory to know there is someone else out there that resonates and helps strengthen my weaknesses…It’s been almost a year now…it wasn’t sustainable; where is the energy I’ve been expecting all my life?

EXPERIENCE HOME

What does being altruistic mean to you?

I’ve been thinking a lot about being an altruistic chameleon and the negative impact it’s had on my life.

Last year I thought I met someone who thought like me, who saw generational patterns, who noticed me; knew when I lost a couple lbs, knew when I needed a pillow or a blanket… among many other things. The last time I lay next to him while watching a movie…I don’t even remember what it was, I was so lost in the feeling; my entire body was bubbling, the effervescent feelings brought on by ASMRs. When we kissed it was like nothing I remember ever experiencing before.  When we talked about businesses, most all included serving others; his moral compass appeared more evolved than mine…for some reason he started pulling away.

All I was asking when he came into my life was that something/someone would appear to help ground me, it was him. For some reason, he stopped; one of his issues was that he didn’t understand my thought process and I guess the hurt is that he wasn’t willing to grow with me…I’m still a new human, I guess I thought we were on the same path.

Today I’m feeling so lost and alone, I feel like I have so much potential and feel like being altruistic in a world that appears to be led by competition is holding me from having a place of my own…. I’m tired of trying to fit in everyone elses box. All I want is a huge house of my own where I can pull others into my peace and feel there is a value in doing so. All I want is to feel an equal exchange of energy from this world.

The other night my daughter and I had some alone time with wine and although she wouldn’t agree to the term lightworker or any words associated with it, she agreed that my job is to empower and strengthen others…

I got a message last week from a farmer in TX…I left my helpx subscription expire 8 days before; I was busy making plans to go back to AZ but after many attempts, I still haven’t gotten a response from the King…maybe this message is that I still need more experience.

In a couple weeks, I’m going to Celeste and help the farmer with his webpage, social media, fixing up a few rooms and advertising on Airbnb…among other things. I told him I would be there by the 14th if not sooner.

I don’t know why this happened, maybe it’s something I just made up in my mind (I question my reality a lot and I’m starting to feel delusional again) but as I’m mapping out my trip from my Sons new home in Sunman, I pointed my curser on the Google direction map over the route I’m taking through KY and a county name popped up, Lyon…it hasn’t happened sense, as a matter of fact I don’t even see any counties on the map…real or Memorex? What will it take to feel life is working for me? Just like it felt last year at this time, this or something better, something beyond my wildest dreams. I’m tired and I want to feel home…

DEAR HUMANS

This morning I decided to give meaning to the names of people that I feel will be key players in this dream world of mine…

I keep telling myself it isn’t him but the fantasy I created around him. Last night I got a text, “Darts?”…my reply, “I think you have the wrong number”. This morning I looked up the area code and it was the same area code as his, I wouldn’t know if it was his number; for one thing I don’t remember numbers and I deleted his number from my phone months ago.

Yesterday the memories of him were so strong and I’ve been in a flux of eradicating every thought of him or “what you resist, persists”. Why am I having such a hard time moving on?

If he were in my life his position would be Mars, the Fair Haired Warrior.

I realize it isn’t about him but about the dreams I started creating with him, after so many searches, I don’t have the emotional energy to do this again. I’m still searching for VUJADE…maybe this book is over…74979 words now…

Who will be my counterpart? I’ve decided that this journey has to be about being the perfect example of what an Empath like me can do after living a lifetime being the observer to this planet allowing everyone and everything tell her she wasn’t worthy; she was too little, too shy, too stupid…there were only a handful of people that expressed the words but it was the messages she received from society that told her she was wrong, that she didn’t belong. Your thoughts are not the same; always seeing the conflicts in the lives of others, giving others the benefit of the doubt because you see the greatness in the humans you connect with. I guess after 58 years I don’t want to be around individual personalities for extended amounts of time. If I’m going to get my needs met, I need my own place with my own rules.

I think I found the house and I keep telling myself the right people will show up when I need them. After 58 years and 7 days of life on this planet I’m ready to life a life with others serving me…I’m putting in another order today.

While I was waiting on the USPS to deliver the replacement power cord for my computer, I took time away from the www and created a more concrete plan on paper… most of the housekeeping has been done, now for the humans that will serve me.

I don’t know who they are, but know some people in my life that might be able to help me in this dream home of mine;

An accountant –

A teacher – …someone who wants to pass on knowledge and help others excel

…someone willing to take risks in ventures, someone comfortable and confident speaking to others…someone who sees the brilliance in me, someone who knows my intelligence and knows of my ability to say the exact opposite word when speaking, someone who knows my need to escape the “real” world and check back into myself when the world drains my energy…someone who will support me in eating healthier, someone to cook for and serve me from time to time, someone who sees food as fuel, someone who is willing to work side by side with me…what else does this girl need?

What will come first, the room or the helper?

Yesterday I raised my voice to my daughter, “Why do you want to live with an asshole?”…thankfully I caught myself and right after that…I apologized, turned away and went back to my project of helping her create a functional kitchen…it’s for her as much as it is for my grandkids. It would be a wonderful thing to have a space to create with them, hopefully we will become business partners soon.

Although a vacation would be great after this assignment, I need to feel there will be a safe place to land soon…where would I vacation anyway?  What’s the use of being here if there is no one to share this journey…

Dear Humans of Planet Earth,

“Say something, I’m giving up on you…” ~ A Great Big World

Sending Love

Lindsay

losing HOPE

10+16+20+16=62

What Values do we place on numbers? Do they really have a significance in our lives? Are they really directing our lives? What about the planets? What about the words? What do we tell ourselves? What do we allow others to tell us about ourselves? What about our actions? If these things do carry significant vibrations then my world should look different… What AM I missing?

Why AM I HERE if there is no one to create with ME?

I hate that I keep going back to the memory of him.

Right now I don’t see any other option but going back to AZ. I finally sent the King another text after he didn’t reply. I think in the past I would have given up by now but so far I’ve sent him two emails on the home.com website I don’t know what happened to the first but the second was sent to someone that didn’t even know who the King was. I also left 2 voice messages before I finally heard from him, he had been in Cabo for a couple weeks. Friday evening I sent one more text and he finally sent me a text with his e mail address, I sent him a copy of both e mails that were dated 10/1 and 10/10…trying to let go of an outcome today while trying to focus on proceeding as if success is inevitable…

Why have I been at my daughters for 2 weeks, working every day except for the 2 days in Dollywood yet nothing feels completed? How can they live in such a chaotic environment?

My desire was to be here for just a few weeks, help complete the exterior, clean up the yard and complete the kitchen; then work on a couple projects with my grandkids, start a business with them…I can’t believe the chaos. Yesterday I was hoping my SIL was working on the exterior while I was working on the heart of the home, the kitchen…I worked all day on the drywall, plus the laundry, and cleaning up and starting dinner.

I’m realizing the importance of having a place of my own, and still cannot figure out why I’m not finding home…last year I felt home, what happened to it? I think I’m over that dream now, I have a hard time believing this is what I came here for. Where is the CONFIDENCE that this is shifting? What’s the purpose of this vision, this dream, a life that I can pull people into my peace? I’m feeling 3 years old today, I want to go back to the time I wouldn’t wake up and hope I don’t this time. If this is all I have to look forward to, I want to go back to bed and never wake up to this reality again…

Where is the dreamer? I’ve only met one other in my entire life…why did he leave? His kiss took me to another dimension; he was so creative, so giving, so grounding…I thought we would change the world together, why did he stop trying?

Each night I go to bed physically, emotionally and energetically exhausted…sometimes I’m too tired to even shower, I’m keeping my promise to at least finish these 2 things. Where is the fuel to keep me going today?

Where is the visible proof that I will see the beginning of this mission to engage my grandkids in a different reality?

Whoever is here to help me, PLEASE GIVE ME A VISIBLE SIGN OF HOPE; I NEED TO FEEL THERE WILL SOON BE A COMPLETION TO THIS CYCLE…

THE LETTER???

Dear King Ron,

Since I haven’t heard from you, I have to assume that you are at least contemplating my offer. I also noticed that you updated the Hotel listing. I’m still very interested in the Hotel.

My interest is more than about making money for me, it’s about doing work I enjoy for the rest of my life…maybe you would be more inclined to respond if I told you my story:

Right now I’m in the position I am because the retirement that was promised me is gone and I have 7 years of spousal support that will just sustain me until I’m 65 or he dies.

For 35 years I was basically a housewife and mother with little financial support, I also helped my ex husband in his building business. I like projects and at the time I didn’t care about not making a lot of money because I knew it was going towards my retirement. He was also a firefighter and I was depending on AZ Public Safety retirement; I don’t think I was ever told that if his Public Safety would automatically become Workmans Comp if he was injured and that my benefits would be dropped. At the time of my divorce I had been living off of $500 a month from him and ended up settling for 33% of what should have been my soul and separate property.

I recently turned 58 and feeling a little desperate in finding work I’m passionate about for my twilight years. After 5 years of basically being homeless and working on my credit score, all I want right now is to have my own space to do projects. The past few years I’ve been working on articulating a vision; last month I saw this project which is very similar to what I’ve been planning only my thought is to help generate sustainable income in smaller communities: http://www.forbes.com/forbes/welcome/?toURL=http://www.forbes.com/sites/toriutley/2016/08/27/jeremy-cowart-the-purpose-hotel-and-what-it-takes-to-turn-an-idea-into-reality/&refURL=https://www.google.com/&referrer=https://www.google.com/

The past few years I’ve seen places in Mexico, the UK, and Hawaii, that could be utilized but I know AZ and have entertained a lot of guest at my own home in Wickenburg so I already have people who would support me in creating this, all I need is the space.

I’ve been looking at other property and traveling since I first saw the Hotel in Mayer. Right now I’m in VA and my mind keeps going back to the Hotel.

My plan would be to initially invite womens groups in for retreats to brainstorm ideas, even if I could rent the first room available and work on it would be perfect. Like I wrote before, all I would ask from you is your approval on any design or structural modifications. I’m confident that at the end of the lease, I will either have enough investors to buy the property or will work out an equitable agreement with you.

Right now I have enough money saved for at least 6 months rent and enough extra cash and credit for upgrades on a kitchen and bathroom. My credit score is now at 696…five years ago I had nothing and have basically been working on my own projects for 4 of those years…what else can I say?

I realize accepting my offer is taking a huge risk in your investment but I’m passionate about this idea. Please let me know if you are interested in working out an equitable agreement.  If I don’t hear from you by Friday, I’ll assume you aren’t interested and start looking for another home.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Sending LOVE and LIGHT

Lindsay

This or something better, something beyond my wildest dreams…PLEASE FATHER, I BEG YOU TO HELP ME IN MAKING THIS DREAM A REALITY…

DEAR FATHER

Why didn’t you protect me? What possessed you to turn your back from your responsibilities in raising this child? Why didn’t I feel supported or defended by you?

I know your storm, I know it all; I know everything and I forgive you for being human, I forgive Mom for her humanness and I’d like to help her, she seems so vulnerable and misdirected since you left. You know I feel no connection towards her, I’m OK with it, I’ve just stopped caring about people that consistently drain me asking for support and advice, then ignore my pearls of wisdom.

I realize that I will never get what I wanted from her and have learned to accept the relationship for what it is.

You know my dilemma now, you know the help I need…are you the one I’m supposed to ask? Are you the one that wants to help this fatherless child? If so, PLEASE HELP ME.

If you are there, give me a sign of where to turn today, give me some hope that there is a purpose to this life. PLEASE give me a definitive sign…

Is it wrong that I don’t miss you? Maybe it’s because I never felt supported in any dream when I lived at home, maybe because I feel shame for searching outside myself for validation. I realize that you did your best as I got older and I keep reminding myself that you could only give what you knew…help me change this PLEASE.

Juan told me he thinks you are with him a lot of times, are you with me now? Today I can actually visualize you. Did you leave that quarter for me? You know I’ll need a lot more than quarters to purchase what I need…maybe you could help me and direct the energy to me. If I’m supposed to go back to AZ and realize this dream, change a paradigm, help me help the weakest links in this family, PLEASE send me the energy today…I’m feeling hopeless.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Sending LOVE and light,

Lindsay

Maybe I’m thinking about the future too much, right here right now I need to focus on the time I have to create with my grand-kids…while living in a construction zone and trying to keep everyone on track. Yesterday I told my daughter and her husband that I was staying here until the kitchen gets put together and the outside gets finished and painted. I’m working right along with them; I don’t ask others to do anything that I’m not willing to do myself.

What sustainable plan do I work towards today?