Every day since I’ve been in Celeste, it’s been a constant motion, is this what I really want?
The potential here is huge, the farmer has his own agenda and ideas but I see so much more. He is 70 and has been doing this for many years and I don’t know how. There is no set schedule, no rules or expectations and his mind is going in so many directions…he is enjoying how his home is starting to look. I told him deep cleaning feels like a waste of my talents, I don’t know how someone can be oblivious over the filth…there needs to be some structure. I need a coach…
I keep resisting but what do I say? I guess I’ve always known that I would get to a place where I’d have to ask him…who else is there? Even the last coach I hired and a counseling session I’ve gotten recently have left me even more disappointed and confused. I AM different, no one understands my ways, no one can tell me what to do. After days of contemplating I finally wrote the words and sent it:
I hope life is treating you well… don’t know why I would think you would have an interest but I’m feeling kind of desperate for help and right now you are the only one I can think of. Are you looking for a project? At one time, you did offer to mentor me.
You already know some of my quirks, irregularities, and weaknesses. There are so few people I feel comfortable with in my life…I’m always asking myself, “why him?” It’s been almost a year now, I’ve been searching, still no one is showing up and life is feeling like it’s on fast forward. I admire your values, business knowledge and really need a teacher right now, I think it could work for me; I would never be face to face with you and communication would only be about work through email or phone. Would you want to coach me for a couple weeks? If so what would you charge?
I’m still learning how to be a new human…I’m still learning how to ask for needs to be met, learning boundaries and how to stand up for myself, learning how to take care of me and most of the time all I want is to be a 5 year old holding on to a responsible adults hand when I cross the street. I’ve been working on articulating ideas and dreams and now it looks like I might have the perfect place to start something, life is feeling a lot bigger than me and to tell you the truth, I’m kind of afraid.
I’ve been asking whoever’s directing this charade for another Jewish man in my life…who knew it would be in Texas? Problem is he isn’t much of a business man. He’s had a 175 acre organic farm for over 30 years and it looks like the structures haven’t been cleaned in at least 10. I’ve only been here a few days, the only one helping him, and I’m already overwhelmed by all that needs to be done. I have to keep reminding myself that I was praying for a huge project to put on my resume, and this just kind of showed up, I thought I’d be in FL or LA this winter.
In the next few weeks I need help prioritizing, making lists and work schedules. There is a lot to do here; besides farming and cleaning, there is inventory on 4 buildings, pricing and labeling…hopefully next week I’ll have a couple helpers. I’m getting exhausted just wiping down the filth on the windows and the farmer has more ideas. By this spring he wants to have a couple tiny homes and apartments ready to rent out on Airbnb, and a store with a possible take out restaurant. He also wants someone to help him with events. I told him about my plan to start a boarding school type of program mentoring young people and he seems to like the idea…if it goes well, I’ll be here for a long time…of course, this could just be another dead-end manifestation and I will have to accept there is something better waiting for me. What do you think?
If you decide not to respond, I understand. Take care